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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Brother

100 replies

PostcodeJack · 28/10/2017 00:40

I've just found out that my sister inlaw pays for everything in their household, including my brother's mortgage.
Background is that she put 50% down and my brother took a mortgage after his deposit. Sister in law is now paying HIS mortgage, all bills and doing the housework when she gets home. How the fuck is this fair?

OP posts:

Original poster

PostcodeJack · 28/10/2017 03:01

Heebie... actually yes I have. I honestly think he's rank out of order and unless he fucking starts paying his way he needs to do one

OP posts:

hiddley · 28/10/2017 03:03

You're very angry about your brother OP to be swearing about him at all hours of the morning on a parenting thread. Very strange.

HornyTortoise · 28/10/2017 03:05

What does she get out of the marriage? From what you have written, it seems nothing. She must love him very much to be putting up with this. Do they have kids together? Or just her 'pre marriage children'?

Original poster

PostcodeJack · 28/10/2017 03:06

Hiddley... sbe would actually be much better off. But they do love esch other. Perhaps I'm asking how my brother can stop being an utter cock. Yes. I get the whole paying his fucking way

OP posts:

hiddley · 28/10/2017 03:09

It's not your issue.

HornyTortoise · 28/10/2017 03:18

Your brother can stop being an utter cock, by stopping being an utter cock. Tbf if hes not making any effort at all, he will always be an utter cock. And yes, its not your problem to solve tbh, and I would honestly stay out of it. Getting involved in stuff like this, even just as a sympathetic ear...can end up with you being blamed for stuff.

All I can suggest is when SIL starts on about it, suggest she speaks to himabout it.

Original poster

PostcodeJack · 28/10/2017 03:19

Tortoise...sorry didn't reply. Pre marriage children are her children from her beloved husband who died. My brother loves them and they love him. Other than this he is actually a lovely bloke. I just don't understand why he's leaving everything to my sis in law

OP posts:

Simmy10 · 28/10/2017 03:22

Hi. Just been reading the messages and I am confused! Could be due to the time!, is OP being accused of being the sis in law or the brother? I think OP is saying she is a woman but some members dont believe this?is this influenced by OP user name of postcode jack?

Happyemoji · 28/10/2017 03:26

Does it matter if she is a he or he is a she. He or she obviously wants to vent her or his issues. I will post this op there is nothing you can do about it she has to make the decision to leave his arse alone.

HornyTortoise · 28/10/2017 03:32

He might not be leaving everything to her though. I am assuming you only have her story on this? If she works a lot and then does all the chores, I assume he is doing the most of the childcare?

See so many things go into this that without intimate details...you can't really know whats going on

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/10/2017 03:46

The OP said above that he has agreed with the SIL's description and doesnt see the issue, he thinks that the SIL should ask him for money rather than him setting up a regular standing order, he is working.

zzzzz · 28/10/2017 03:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EverythingRightNow · 28/10/2017 03:52

Different relationships have different dynamics, maybe there's something he does that is indispensable, so she'll happily foot the bills. I've found if you poke around in siblings relationships, you're pretty much asking for NC.

Try and figure why it annoys you so much.

It is their life, their house, their rules.

HornyTortoise · 28/10/2017 03:55

Different relationships have different dynamics, maybe there's something he does that is indispensable, so she'll happily foot the bills.

Yeah this is what I was clumsily getting at

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/10/2017 05:58

She was a fool to invest in the house and not have her name on the house. Can she get that changed? Your brother isn’t a nice guy at all. And she’s being a mug.

FinallyHere · 28/10/2017 07:45

can't flush the }#%^ bog because the actual bills haven't been paid

Just wondering which country would allow fresh water supplies to be cut off for non-payment of bills

Englandd*

BarbaraofSevillle · 28/10/2017 08:01

But you said she pays all bills so why are the utilities being cut off?

The situation is probably unfair and if it is they need to sort it between them. Obviously they need to fairly share household labour and finances but her paying the bills and him paying for treats isn't necessarily unfair.

Who pays for food and day to day travel? Our food, eating out and other treats like hobbies and holidays probably cost more than our essential bills anyway, so if one of us was paying the bills and the other paying for other stuff, they'd probably be doing well out of the situation.

Urubu · 28/10/2017 08:19

So much info is missing: do they both wirk FT? Who does childcare (or pays for it)? Do they earn the same or is there a big difference?

Original poster

PostcodeJack · 28/10/2017 10:36

Sorry. They both work. She works 3 days per week. He FT. Children are grown up. As for why I asked, it just seems massively unfair and a lot of pressure on her. Just wondered whether others had the same view

OP posts:

Tiglet2 · 28/10/2017 11:17

So, this seems to be the situation:

DB and SIL both work. DB full time, SIL 3 days.
SIL has children from previous marriage. Children are adults.
They got married, bought a house 50/50 SIL paid cash, DB got mortgage, but house deeds are in both names, therefore both on mortgage.
DB paid mortgage until he lost his job, then SIL took over mortgage and all bills. DB and SIL have separate bank accounts.
DB now is earning again but is only contributing willy nilly at irregular intervals and says SIL can ask for money for the bills if she needs to. DB pays for treats and bills if asked for. Otherwise his earnings are his. SIL's earnings pay bills/mortgage/food and not much left after.
SIL does majority of household chores.

OP asks if this seems a fair division of finances/chores and is looking for general opinions from the MN jury. OP doesn't think it fair but is interested in your views.

I'm with OP.

MNHQ

FlissMumsnet · 28/10/2017 11:35

Ahem........

Original poster

PostcodeJack · 28/10/2017 11:36

Tiglet. Thank you. Perfect summary!

OP posts:

zzzzz · 28/10/2017 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZombieVampireHedgehog · 28/10/2017 13:39

The problem is, if you intervene, will DB get a mood on with with you.

It's lovely you've highlighted your concerns, if you have a fairly good relationship with either, could you ask either their thoughts?

I haven't RTFT, so you might have done this. I can't imagine her children being impressed unless she earns a fortune working part time, so income is equal, although most would agree he needs to step up for SIL.

Original poster

PostcodeJack · 28/10/2017 13:57

To be honest I think her issue is less to do with the actual money and more the total lack of acknowledgement on his part. I have spoken to him (with blessing of sil) and we have a relationship where either one of us will quite happily call the other out if we think they're being out of order. I just can't believe that he would think this was fair and wondered whether this was normal, particularly since he's not usually such an entitled cock

OP posts:

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