To be gutted

[Joskar]

My sister is getting married next year and I'm not a bridesmaid. She just didn't ask me. Foolishly I only just realised about six weeks that I hadn't made the cut even though she got engaged in the spring. How thick am I?! I'm so upset and hurt. It's so silly. I'm a grown woman and I know it's her wedding and her day and her choice. I know I shouldn't be this upset. My little girls are going to be flower girls so I suppose she maybe thinks I'm "represented" as it were. She was my chief bridesmaid and I just didn't think I wouldn't be hers. Dh thinks I'm being ridiculous. She's currently visiting and I've been helping her choose a venue and so on but I just want to cry when I think about it. When I was a kid I really, really wanted to be a bridesmaid and I don't think I ever will be now. I feel like an idiot.

I know I am being extremely unreasonable but I'm so upset. How do I get over myself?

Hmm. I don't know if yabu or if Yanbu...

If it was me I don't think I would feel hurt. I would assume she thinks that she is including you by having your girls be flower girls. That's really lovely isn't it? I would also gues that she expects you to have your hands full with the girls and the new baby. I also think it's ok to want to choose your two best friends. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Are there any other reasons you could think of
Do you actually have time to help?
Do you live close by?
Are you much prettier than your sister
Is she much closer to her friends

Overall I think you are being unreasonable even if it's understandable. I get that little girls want to be a bridesmaid but your not a little girl anymore do you really still care?

BTW I've just realised I've never been a bridesmaid either 😂

Most women I know ask their best friends. And yes nieces and nephews will also be included.

Could you turn the conversation on its head?

You: I see you have chosen x and y to be bridesmaids. Just out of interest, what made you choose them?
DSis: they represent the yin and yang of my life (or something)
You: And how can I help on the day?

That way it's looking at the positive rather than negative and hopefully you will find out that the decision was based on something really important to DSis and that she has another role for you.
Whatever is said, make up your mind to have a fabulous time on the day.

I don't think asking your sister will help. I suspect though she would be really surprised if she knew how you are feeling.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's very awkward. If you say something it's like you are pressuring her to make you a BM and if you don't say something it will eat you up inside.

It's going to be awkward because you will be with the bridal party because of the children. Just prepare yourself for that.

If it were me, I’d just ask, but then again no fireballs of humiliation or hurt would happen, as I have no desire to ever(again) be a bridesmaid so it would be curiosity driven.

Maybe she figures you'll be featured in her family photographs so wanted to find places to fit her friends in too?

I had this exact thing. Always talked about being her bridesmaid, from knee high to a grasshopper. She asked her 3 friends. I was heartbroken and sobbed. Then she moaned about what a crap job they were doing. I swallowed the lead ball of pain.
THEN THEN I got engaged and she sent me bloody bridesmaid dresses for her!! Immediately! She had them picked.
Petty and small but I never even replied or acknowledged it. Let her bloody stew.
To say it’s a weird sore point is an understatement (8 years later)

To be fair when my sister got married she didnt invite the oldest sister - by then a mother - to be a bridesmaid, as being married and older my younger sister didnt think it would be important to her. I thought it pretty weird that my older sister (around 32 then) was upset - isn't being a bridesmaid a young thing? Personally I'd have loved to be one when I was 7, but as an 18 year old I found it a bit twee and embarrassing.

Family weddings are the best fun but do you really need a formal role to enjoy it? Family are by their nature at the core of the event - you are so important to your sister and being there is so so important - in fact with all the palaver involved you are probably one of the key people she imagines to not be fussy or difficult or making it about you - she relying on you to get it and support her. Its a public statement of love afterall not about everyone else being centre stage - I just think its all become a bit over the top.

Just remember whats its really all about. Love - your beloved sister and her future. Celebrate that. Not a school show where everyone deserves some attention or a part to play.

I'd be absolutely crushed. My DSIS and I were maids/matrons of honour at each other's weddings, and I know she'd have utterly disowned me if I'd not had her. She's have been furious and launched a campaign to let me know about it!! It was just always assumed on both our parts, actually, that we would be in that spot for each other. Even though we've both got friends we're closer to / spend more time with, and it's not something we've ever really discussed, neither of us ever even considered having anybody else in that position, and none of our friends in our wedding parties ever considered anything else would happen. Is that strange?

When we realised just how pregnant DSIS would be at my wedding, whether she'd still be up to it, but she laughed at me and told me she'd be furious if she weren't my MoH, and that we'd figure out something for the dress.

We aren't terribly close on a daily basis, either; we talk once a month or so and pick up where we left off, but we are very close emotionally if that makes sense, as we've been through quite a lot together just the two of us, and are still extremely important in each other's lives. We are sisters!

Is that strange, though? Are we the odd ones out?

That should have said:
I asked whether she'd still be up to it.

I can kinda see both sides here. I feel your pain with never being a BM. Neither of my sisters asked me to be bridesmaid either, despite the fact I had my youngest as BM at my first wedding. I was hurt, but I accepted it.

My second wedding I didn't even invite my sisters as our relationship was irretrievably smashed to smithereens due to their abuse of our dad. I had my daughters as BM. Toyed with the idea of asking DH's sister, but I could sense she didn't like me (because I stole the family meal ticket ) plus my daughters are both autistic & were struggling with the idea of being BM & wearing dresses themselves, so it was essential that I follow their lead when it came to dress shopping & not have to take into account someone elses work pattern, which generally included weekends. SIL really showed her true colours & threw her toys out of the pram acting like a complete spolit brat, not the woman in her mid 20's she was. If it hadn't been for the fact that the MIL had agreed to stay at our place & look after the kids during our honeymoon (not that she actually did, but thats a whole other story ) I would of told her she was not welcome at the wedding.

She spent the entire day with a face like a smacked arse, didn't say a word to me at all & didn't even buy us a card! PATHETIC SPOILT BITCH! Since the wedding her, their mother & brother have continued to show their true colours which ended with the sister publicly abusing me on Facebook for all to see. At that point DH sent her a stern message telling her off & we have no further relationship with them.

I suppose the moral of the story is. Its ok to be hurt & upset, but no need to make a big drama out of it or let it spoil your relationship with your sister, which seems to be quite good!

Oh gosh I remember this pain from when my brother got married.

My SIL had six- her 3 sisters, her 2 best friends and our sister.

Apparently they'd all have "kicked off" if they weren't asked and they knew I wouldn't kick off. So despite being the closest to my brother I was the only one not asked.

Other brother did a reading and was an usher. Other SIL did a reading. I basically was the babysitter for the kids of the BM's and readers and our Nana (who had the start of dementia at point).

I found out I wasn't a bridesmaid when my mother and I were having a conversation and she mentioned who was. It was like a bucket of cold water over me.

One of the bridesmaids is pregnant and will have a six month old at the time of the wedding and the other one lives 100s of miles away so I don't think it's that I won't have time to perform the duties or help. In fact on past experience I would imagine I'll have to do a fair bit of helping. Usually do for her things.

There is no way I'll be going about with a face like a skelpit arse. It's her wedding day! I'm hardly going to make a show of myself or ruin it for her.

Joskar - I'm sorry. That's a horrible way to find out . It really does suck.

I'm sure you wouldn't look like Princess Fiona . Please don't be hard on yourself! It's just a sucky situation when you find out someone doesn't value the relationship quite a much as you thought. Sadly I think her reasons for not choosing you won't have had anything to do with her thinking it would be too much for you/the favour's returned by having your DDs . People just do what they want to do and you can't question her (for the fireball of humiliation reasons you gave ).

As you say, focus on the positives of not being bridesmaid (I know that's hard). Having to deal with less bridezilla shit? Not having the agro of organising a hen do, when people change their mind or don't pay for stuff? Being able to get pissed by 10am on the wedding morning?

I'm sorry none of this really helps. There are lots of us out there who know how painful this is .

My DSis and SIL were both bridesmaids at my wedding and neither asked me to be a bridesmaid at their subsequent weddings. Oh well.

This happened to me and the rest of the family genuinely thought it was fine, because my daughters were involved as flower girls.

It was possibly even worse because she had my other sister as a BM too.

I felt as though it made me look like the black sheep. But I mentioned it years later at a drunken night and they all thought that it was fine because of the flower girls. My sister couldn’t understand my point of view at all. Perhaps, like mine, your sister didn’t mean to be hurtful.

My best friend didn’t ask me to be bridesmaid even though we always said we would be each other’s. She had her sister and nieces instead to keep the peace within the family. I didn’t make a big deal out of it even though she was my bridesmaid and was heavily involved with my wedding.
3 years down the line and I still feel upset about it. I didn’t get to see her in the morning and get ready with her and there are no official photos of us together whereas she is in loads of mine.
If you are that upset I would say something now just so she knows how you feel.

OP, do talk to your sister. I totally get your feelings, but I still think she might have just thought 'Okay, Joskar's little ones are flower girls,' and the thought didn't really go further than that.

I'm very close to my sister, but if she got married, she would have my children as part of the ceremony, and I think she might think it's a bit odd to have the children's mum there as well, as another bridesmaid. I really think things can change once DC are on the scene. If you didn't have DC involved, I bet she'd think to ask you!