To be gutted

[Joskar]

My sister is getting married next year and I'm not a bridesmaid. She just didn't ask me. Foolishly I only just realised about six weeks that I hadn't made the cut even though she got engaged in the spring. How thick am I?! I'm so upset and hurt. It's so silly. I'm a grown woman and I know it's her wedding and her day and her choice. I know I shouldn't be this upset. My little girls are going to be flower girls so I suppose she maybe thinks I'm "represented" as it were. She was my chief bridesmaid and I just didn't think I wouldn't be hers. Dh thinks I'm being ridiculous. She's currently visiting and I've been helping her choose a venue and so on but I just want to cry when I think about it. When I was a kid I really, really wanted to be a bridesmaid and I don't think I ever will be now. I feel like an idiot.

I know I am being extremely unreasonable but I'm so upset. How do I get over myself?

Maybe she thinks you'll have enough on looking after your daughter's if they're flower girls and looking after your baby too? Ask her.

I would ask friends to be my bm rather than my sister.

I honestly think that she might just be thinking about little ones as bridesmaids.

If my sister got married, she would ask my children but I really don't think she'd want me as a bridesmaid as well!

Just talk to her. She might genuinely have not even thought about it, especially as your children are already involved. She might think you're perfectly happy about it!

I had both my sister's, my best friend and one sil, I wish I hadn't asked my sister's, I only really did it because there would have been a row if I hadn't, there were a million ridiculous rows anyway and they had faces like slapped arses all day. Let your sister do it her own way

You can love family, but be closer to friends

My sister actually got married 5 hours away on a day knowing we could not go even though i thought we were close. We lived in the same Street and saw each other all the time.

Reading through your post I have just realised I wasn't asked to be bridesmaid at my sisters wedding....I was probably too occupied preparing my 2 dd's and ds for their roles as flower girls and pageboy to notice. Should I be offended?

How would I ask without looking like a total knobber? Or without really embarrassing her/myself? How do you go lighthearted with this?

Me: How come you didn't ask me? Hahahahahaha. (Rictus grin)

Her: (mortified silence) erm...because I didn't want to.

Me: Oh. Right. (dies in fireball of humiliation)

Or

Me: Ah me, I've always wanted to be a bridesmaid. Doesn't look like I will now, eh? (Subtle, see?)

Her: Nope. Doesn't look like it.

Me: Oh. Right. (Dies in fireball of humiliation)

Dh thinks that lots of people don't ask their sister to be a bridesmaid but I don't think that's true, is it? Surely most people have their sister unless they've cast out with them for some reason?

It never even occurred to me to ask my sister to be a bridesmaid at my wedding. And I've honestly never realised that she might find that hurtful until just now.

I guess I'd better check (it was a long time ago now). And I'm close to my sister so it def wasn't a reflection on how i viewed our relationship.

I think your dd are both flower girls so she'd have her mates as BM'ds

I'd not say anything just enjoy the day

I honestly couldn't get worked up about this. She has chosen your children as flower girls, she is involving you in the preparations, so obviously there is no issue

Why not just go as a guest and be happy for her - and enjoy yourself

OP, your fireballs of humiliation made me .

Has she got other adult bridesmaids? Apologies if I've missed that.

I didn't ask my dsis to be my matron of honour and it never crossed my mind this might upset her. I had my three closest friends as bridesmaids. Her children weren't flower girls either. It never crossed my mind her not having to worry about getting her kids to dress up and perform would upset her. I guess I just assumed she would prefer to enjoy the wedding in her own choice of outfit, with her family.

Married women aren't traditionally bridesmaids but occasionally matrons of honour. As your two DDs are to be flowergirls I think you should just let this go.

I should have added, my older sister didn't ask me. She asked her sil whom she despises and who despises her in equal measure. People are mad, it's not nice to feel left out, I've been on both sides of it and neither is nice. Being left out feels like crap and being bullied in to having her made me feel like she was more important in my wedding than me. And in my parents eyes she was. Everyone else was. 6 weeks later none of them are talking to me it seems I have issues!

I don't think most people ask their sister , it depends on the relationship with the sister . Perhaps your sister and these friends have an arrangement that they are all each other's bridesmaids and she doesn't want to over do it , particularly as she has your daughters as flower girls . I did run it past both my sisters ( one of whom is my best friend) but they were not bothered so I had a friends daughters instead .

At least you can wear a fabulous outfit and not a candycoloued puffball?

Maybe she the is saving you from that?

I feel like this is something you could sit down with her to talk about? Not go lighthearted - just "I feel hurt that you didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid. Can I ask why?"

I'm not all that close with my siblings but can imagine myself having that kind of conversation with them, and I hope them having it with me. Hope it works out OP.

I'd ask her gently - it's obviously important to you. I nearly missed one of my SILs out of being a bridesmaid - I realised a few months after I'd asked originally that she might feel left out and actually I'd really like her there! So I asked her kind of sheepishly and she was happy to be a part of it.

I have 3 sisters. I was the last to get married and two of my sisters had a daughter. My bridesmaids were my two nieces and the sister with no children. It would have seemed a bit odd to me to have mothers and daughters as bridesmaids. Also, I thought three was enough.

The sisters who weren’t bridesmaids weren’t upset. Why would they be? I had invited their daughters.

OP, I would strongly suspect that she views your little girls being flowergirls to be returning the compliment of her being your bridesmaid and probably doesn't realise that you would still like to be her bridesmaid.

Yes, I think her way of including you is by having your dd’s as flower girls, although I do understand why you’d feel hurt.

When you say you found out 6 weeks ago, how did you find out? Did your sister just ask that she’d like your dd’s as flower girls and then went in to tell you who her bridesmaids were?

I know I'm being a big baby about it and totally unreasonable. She absolutely gets to choose her bridal party. There's no law that says she has to have me.

I get that there's nothing to be done. Or at least nothing that ends well. Fireballs of humiliation are the best outcome really! Imagine being the pity bridesmaid or that she felt obliged and resentful. Or that she doesn't like me and just doesn't want me and I've never realised.

It's just that I did think we were close and I never thought I wouldn't be in it so I feel like a fanny for not realising and I feel hurt not to be asked.

I suppose one upside is that I won't have to have my photo taken with them. They're v v beautiful and slim and stylish (there will be no meringue or pastel puffballs I'm quite sure). Probably best not to be the Princess Fiona. What else is an upside? Give me more. Why would it be rubbish to be in it?

I'm intrigued as to the duties that people have mentioned. What duties do bridesmaids have? Mine just showed up in their own frocks and got pissed. Few photos. I thought that was what bridesmaids did. Mine didn't even have to throw a hen do or anything which is the only thing I can think you might expect them to do. They did help decorate the hall the day before but then loads of people helped so it wasn't a big deal. What do bridesmaids do?

Married women aren't traditionally bridesmaids

So what happens when you're the last in the group to get married? Serious question. Most of the women I've known who have their group of friends as bridesmaids don't drop each of them in turn as soon as soon as they're married, they keep the same group of bridesmaids until the whole group is married and don't refer to them as matrons either.

Honestly, not being facetious, just wondering if people here honestly wouldn't have their married BFFs because they're already married in favour of someone unmarried for the sake of tradition? It's not been the case at any of the weddings I've been to*. In fact married bridesmaids are quite normal.

*Disclaimer: I used to co own a wedding videography company.