Starting to care about age gap two years in..

[ashawills]

Hi. First time poster and slightly nervous but here goes...

Bit of background, I met my boyfriend two years ago, I was 23 and he was 39. Honestly, I never asked his age. He looked maybe late twenties, very early thirties so I didn't care, we drunkenly slept together and although I didn't expect it to become anything more, it did and I was very happy. My family were okay about the age difference, so were my friends (eventually) and I just switched off and stopped thinking about it.

I'm now 25 and he's just turned 41. We've been in talks about TTC, so I started thinking really seriously about our whole relationship and whether it's secure enough to start planning for children and suddenly, it became weird. I read too many mumsnet threads, and online articles and when I went home from work and he was kissing me and asking about my day I felt sick, as everything I'd read made it feel creepy.

I've had to pull away these last two days as I'm making myself uncomfortable. Reading comments about he was sleazy just looking for arm candy made me feel awful as I'd never in any way seen it like that.

Now I'm just thinking about how when I'm 55 and still fairly active (hopefully) he'll be 70 and I'd possibly have to care for him.. and suddenly I'm filled with worry that I'll let my love and passion blind me and it won't be what's best for my life, for my path.

Not asking for answers, just advice, opinions.. am I being silly and sabotaging a relationship with these thoughts, or am I opening my eyes to reality?

@LostInTheTunnelOfGoats Thank you. I think that's exactly what caused these confusing feelings I've had the last two days.. things I didn't deal with my old relationship being bought up and me tarring them with the same brush. My OH is far from abusive, he is kindhearted, utterly selfless, hard working and funny and I know I'm lucky to have him. It's just that niggle there, the thought of "am I basically signing up to be widowed young" but I can't let thoughts like that taint a great thing.

I don't think there is anything remotely creepy about that age gap - absolutely no grooming or anything. But I would not have wanted to marry someone that much older than me. And that is a good enough reason to consider whether you want to be in the relationship or not. The difference between 25 and 41 is big imo. Works for lots of people, might not work for everyone.

Why not really think about whether this is the commited relationship you want for the rest of your life or do you have some doubts about it?

Your initial worries seem to have been triggered by talking about ttc with your dp. This has forced you to think long term about your future together.

There's no point putting your head in the sand and ignoring the fact that when you're older, the age gap might become more of an issue.

You mention being uneasy about a "power imbalance" so be honest with yourself about whether your relationship is equal and whether you can see yourself with this man long term.

You're still young and have only been with dp for 2 years. I think it's wise to hold off ttc for a bit until you're sure of what you want.

DP is 12 years older than me. When I was in my 20s and waited for my plane, I chatted with a granny and she said prepare to be a widow for a long time. She said men die sooner than women. Anyway, I was depressed back then, but 20 years on I am still with my DP, and I now realize I could be hit by a bus and be disabled tomorrow and he'd have to care for me. Knowing him I know he would, so no regret.

Oh nooo! I hope you aren't put off him! If you are happy and he is happy, there is nothing wrong here at all! Oh it would be soo sad if you were put off him by others' comments!

That's actually a common age gap! It simply tends to work out often that younger women and older men get on well - something about maturity levels, methinks ;). But seriously, that's about the same age gap as my mum and (step)dad, and they are extremely happy and healthy and have been for nearly 30 years now! My dad is a very healthy and strapping and surprisingly young man! If his hair weren't salt and pepper, not even full grey, you'd honestly think my dad were in his 40s, and I wouldn't know who to put my money on in a physical contest between Dad and my very fit 40s DH! (Probably my dad, if I'm honest!)

There is nothing at all wrong with TTC now, either. For one thing, men remain fertile forever, unless something gets in the way. For another, people live a loooooong time these days, so that's not at all something you need to worry about.

I didn't read the whole thread tbh but I'd dump and move on. If you're having doubts for whatever reason, they'll come back to haunt you when it's bad and it's long term and you have kids. You're young, you're whole life is ahead of you and you will fall in love again. He is a creepy old guy. Huh.

It's just that niggle there, the thought of "am I basically signing up to be widowed young

That's a crazy way of looking at it. Something could happen to you and he could be left on his own. Marrying someone your own age is no guarantee of a long happy marriage. A colleague of mine lost her husband suddenly when he was in his 30s. He collapsed and died. She was left on her own with a baby.

I'm on the other 'age gap' thread at the moment. I started out on that one by saying that I don't have an issue with age gaps per se, but it depends on the age of the people when they meet. 23 - whilst young - is not hugely immature. You've reached adulthood and gone to college/uni or worked. 16 years as an age gap isn't bad at all. The OP on the other thread was still a child when she met her boyfriend.

What's making you question the age gap now? Does it genuinely bother you, or is it some intellectual rationalisation where you are worried about what other people might think, and deviating from the prevailing and popular view?

You're also thinking and asking sensible questions about your future before jumping into something irreversible (like having a baby), which is a good and positive sign. Only you can decide whether your current relationship is a "goer", but the 'balance' sounds fair where you are at the moment.

There was a thread about a nearly 30 year age gap which is twice as much as yours and was too big IMHO. And the circumstances were completely different to yours if that's the one you're thinking about. Yours is a big age gap but I don't think there is any reason for you to feel it's creepy.

What do your parents make of the age gap? My dd is a similar age to you and tbh I would be a bit concerned if she was with someone that much older (plus I was only 19 when she was born, so I'd be closer in age to her dp than her which I would find creepy)

@FangsAlot I was really scared of what my parents would think, but believe it or not they were beyond supportive. My exs that were my age were all very immature and my parents have said how much more suited me and my partner seem. They also say he seems very youthful for his age and they wouldn't guess he was any older than 28. He is the first boyfriend I've had that actually gets on with my family, rather than just polite exchanges

He sounds really nice. If it is the right man, it's the right man. I had 3 children by 26 and was married at 21 (although I had graduated by then and I did work full time so no stopping my career!). It worked out fine.

If he wants chidlren at 39 he probably should get on with marrying you and having 2 or 3 in the next few years before he's very very old. perhaps have a chat a bout serious things like marriage, who will work (older men can sometimes stay home to care for chidlren as they have reached retirement sooner whilst the wife works full time on her career so that might be a good route for the two of you perhaps), make sure all these things are discussed.

Why do you think your DP will need to be cared for when he grows older? People can age well. My parents are nearing 70 and they are fit and healthy. My grandparents reached their 80s and 90s and were self-sufficient (with some help for housecleaning and that sort of thing).

Old age is not synonymous with being disabled. Having a good head on your shoulders, and money, is important.

You sound generally happy in your relationship which is great.
My dh and I have a 27 year age gap. He is now 70 but very fit for his age. We have 1 dd together who is 7. I do worry a bit about the future but I accept no-one really knows what's coming. As the saying goes, live for today! I know there is a good chance I may be widowed young but for now (and the last 15 years) we're happy which makes any downsides worth it.
I fell in love with him, not 'an older man'. It took me a while to get my head round it when I found out but it works for us.
You know your relationship best, but it Sounds good from here.

I met my husband when I was 24 and he was 47. We have been together for 14 years now and have two children. I don't think over much about being widowed young, although it worries my DH a great deal since he experienced health problems a while ago. In my view, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, or get ill myself and leave him a widower. Nothing is guaranteed.

Ok, I am going to be in the minority here. I was madly in love with someone 17 years older than me at exactly your age. It lasted for three years. I didn't see anything wrong with the age gap at all at the time and would have fought anyone who did. Now I am the same age as he was then, I wonder what on earth he was doing. I look at 20 odd year olds now and feel maternal towards them - I don't see them as potential partner material at all. Their life stage is a world away from mine.