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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Starting to care about age gap two years in..

66 replies

ashawills · 27/10/2017 18:10

Hi. First time poster and slightly nervous but here goes...

Bit of background, I met my boyfriend two years ago, I was 23 and he was 39. Honestly, I never asked his age. He looked maybe late twenties, very early thirties so I didn't care, we drunkenly slept together and although I didn't expect it to become anything more, it did and I was very happy. My family were okay about the age difference, so were my friends (eventually) and I just switched off and stopped thinking about it.

I'm now 25 and he's just turned 41. We've been in talks about TTC, so I started thinking really seriously about our whole relationship and whether it's secure enough to start planning for children and suddenly, it became weird. I read too many mumsnet threads, and online articles and when I went home from work and he was kissing me and asking about my day I felt sick, as everything I'd read made it feel creepy.

I've had to pull away these last two days as I'm making myself uncomfortable. Reading comments about he was sleazy just looking for arm candy made me feel awful as I'd never in any way seen it like that.

Now I'm just thinking about how when I'm 55 and still fairly active (hopefully) he'll be 70 and I'd possibly have to care for him.. and suddenly I'm filled with worry that I'll let my love and passion blind me and it won't be what's best for my life, for my path.

Not asking for answers, just advice, opinions.. am I being silly and sabotaging a relationship with these thoughts, or am I opening my eyes to reality?

OP posts:
Redglitter · 27/10/2017 18:40

when I'm 55 and still fairly active (hopefully) he'll be 70 and I'd possibly have to care for him

70 isn't old these days. I'm in my late 40s and have various health problems. My mum's in her early 70s and can run rings round me. You don't know what's ahead of either of you. My best friends parents are in their 80s and her dad golfs 3 times a week and her mum swims and goes to keep fit. Ages don't always define you

To be put off him because of things you read on here is madness

Original poster
ashawills · 27/10/2017 18:42

@Dozer He was with his first girlfriend who was around his age until he was 29, she cheated on him so they broke up. He was then single until he was 35, was with his ex (who was 2 years older than me) for about a year until he realised he didn't love her and was with her just for the sake of being with someone - they broke up and he casually dated for a couple of years and then we met.

OP posts:
caoraich · 27/10/2017 18:45

I think it's reasonable to think about the age gap but consider it in context of everything else. Are you both fit and healthy? You can't know what will happen in future but I know plenty of very healthy people in their 70s. I also know people whose partners have had heart attacks in their 40s! However realistically you may well find that by the time you're 70 he will have passed away. It's a long way off, but how much this matters depends on how meticulously you like to plan for the future

It's a shame that you've felt creeped out by this. Personally I think it's more about "life stage" than age. If he'd been interested in you when you were a 16yo schoolgirl and he was your 32yo neighbour or something, it would be creepy. But if you've both met as adults who are interested in similar things and have similar timescales for future plans, e.g. TTC, then I think the age gap means much less.

A good friend of mine is 29 and is soon to marry a 42 year old. They actually first met when she was an army cadet at 18 and he was her instructor. But he didn't even remember her when they met again by chance 8 years later! By that time they were both established in different careers, on an equal footing and looking for the same things in life.

Original poster
ashawills · 27/10/2017 18:46

Sorry, I really seem to of struck a nerve with some people here. I'm really, really not trying to sound horrid. I'm not creeped out by him - I just read comments online that almost made my relationship with him sound comparable to an abusive precious relationship purely due to the age difference. Thinking about that period of my life messes with my head a little, so having it bought up and almost put in comparison with my current relationship did make me feel creeped out and a little scared.
I love my boyfriend very, very much. He is a great man and I would love to marry him, have a family with him and even care for him if I had to. I want a long and happy life with him. However I've been 'groomed' and led down the wrong path in the past and I freaked myself out that it was happening again.

I'm glad to hear that people think that's not the case, as that truly is what I believe too. But sometimes old memories can taint new experiences too, that was all.

Sorry to anyone I offended

OP posts:
grannytomine · 27/10/2017 18:46

When you were 16 and he was 32 it would have been weird. It quickly evens up once you are out of your teens. My DH is 70 and I have been his carer for nearly 30 years. If you can't face the thought of being a carer any relationship is going to be dodgy.

TheEmpressWears · 27/10/2017 18:48

Now's the time to reassess.

I think it should feel so worth it, so right, so superior to anything else that you could ever find with anybody else to live with that gap

TheEmpressWears · 27/10/2017 18:49

Screw anybody who's offended!

You're reassessing and you mightn't even understand all of the reasons why!

You're only 25 and a year or two to do things for yourself would be great for you.

sunandmoonshine · 27/10/2017 18:54

@TheEmpressWears

And SCREW anybody who is pissed off that people are offended! Hmm

Original poster
ashawills · 27/10/2017 18:57

@Humpsfor20yards I really hope you aren't comparing this to the other thread of a girl with a 30+ year age gap.. I read that and was sickened. She was underage and impressionable and he is more than twice her age. That isn't the case here...

OP posts:
OohMavis · 27/10/2017 19:00

Step away from the internet. At 23 you weren't a child and at 39 he wasn't 'old'.

noeffingidea · 27/10/2017 19:02

OP there's nothing wrong or creepy with the age gap. You are both adults and able to decide things like this for yourself.
Some people on mumsnet seem to have a bee in the bonnet over any age gap larger than, say, 3 or 4 years. Just ignore them, ffs.

OohMavis · 27/10/2017 19:03

Sorry I meant that kindly, it looked much more abrupt than I intended. What I mean is don't let others' perceptions on your age gap cloud your relationship, be happy!

Original poster
ashawills · 27/10/2017 19:05

@OohMavis Honestly, step away from the internet is the best advice! So easy to fall down the rabbit hole when googling and give ourselves so much unnecessary anxiety! Thank you x

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 27/10/2017 19:07

It’s only natural to have a good think about these things when you are considering taking a massive step like TTC. Try to put all the horror stories out of your mind and just assess YOU and how you feel about your DP and your partnership.

FWIW, one of the happiest, most mutually supportive marriages I know is where the couple have a 25 year age gap.

sunflowers4 · 27/10/2017 19:08

@ashawills as long as he makes you happy and treats you right then just go with it! People like that are hard to come by! There are 14 years between my mum and dad, they met when my mum was 21 and dad was 35! They have been married now for nearly 30 years! - 3 kids (6 including 3 from dads previous marriage) and are very happy 😊

woundedbutwalking · 27/10/2017 19:12

I’m 5 years younger than my DH, he had to look after me for years after a car accident nearly paralysed me. You never know what life will throw at you. If you’re happy, he’s kind to you & you’re on the same page re marriage, kids & all the other things you want from life then you’re luckier than a lot of people.

bagster · 27/10/2017 19:15

My husband has to do a lot of caring for me due to severe back trouble and we're the same age. My aunt and her husband have been happy together for 30+ years despite her being 14 years his senior. Don't let the age thing worry you if everything else is fine.

RavingRoo · 27/10/2017 19:17

How do you feel about him? Don’t put any stock about others opinions, just go with your gut. It is possible to have deep and meaningful relationships with men who are your age (I’ve never had a problem finding good men my age and do prefer partners my own age) but if you’re happy then stay.

oblada · 27/10/2017 19:18

Maybe the opportunity to reassess and see why you are attracted by older men? Not a problem at all per say but it seems to potentially trouble you so best look into this now rather than later. The age gap wouldn't worry me otherwise but your post makes me think that potentially he isn't the right one for you as otherwise you wouldn't easily be thinking those thoughts... Best take the time to sit down and assess now and decide what works for you. There is no right or wrong in love.

mrwalkensir · 27/10/2017 19:19

Just buried a depressed relation who did the "right" thing and had two horrible partners that drained the life from him. Have friends who have waited 25 years to find the right person, who happen to be 15-20 years younger. It's sad that they'll probably have less time together than couples where both are a similar age, but it really is quality not quantity. Would you rather spend 60 years with somebody you didn't enjoy as much? You could well have 30-40 years. Enjoy

RainbowPastel · 27/10/2017 19:20

We have a similar age gap. It has never been an issue. We have been together 21 years, married with two children and own our own home. Don't listen to anyone else.

Original poster
ashawills · 27/10/2017 19:24

@oblada I really don't see it as I'm attracted to older men as a standard. My first ever relationship was with an older guy, but it was my first relationship. I was young and naive and easily manipulated. From the age of 18 until 23 I dated guys my own age, guys a year younger, guys a year older. I've dated far more men close to my age than older. He doesn't look his age, or come across as someone a lot older than me.. I'm attracted to him. Not 'older guys' in general.

OP posts:
LostInTheTunnelOfGoats · 27/10/2017 19:25

I think you're suffering from a little bit of displacement from your last relationship. You had a horrible time with your ex, and as your DH is now the "older man" in the relationship, you are linking those emotions to him

The difference is you were both adults when you initially met. In your previous relationship you were a child and he was an adult. Only you can know if your DH is abusive or controlling, but if he isn't, then it's totally different situation. One adult can't usually use their age and experience to dominate another adult the way that an adult can to a child/teen

My DH is ten years older than me, I don't think twice about it, however I do sometimes worry that he'll get ill/die before me just as we think we can look forward to retirement. That happened to a family member of mine and it was so sad. But it's just as likely to happen to an older couple who expect to retire at the same time. And it's a long way to go yet. I adore DH and just hate the thought of being without him

Booagain · 27/10/2017 19:25

The internet is a horror for paranoia! And it’s only ever the bad news stories that get on there.
My friend has a gap of 18 years and they adore each other.

LostInTheTunnelOfGoats · 27/10/2017 19:28

On saying that, don't rush into TTC. You've a while yet before having to worry about fertility, and these feelings might be a sign that there's still things you have to come to terms with for yourself, before you have to deal with parenthood

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