To be annoyed at the assumption we always travel to them

[thiskittenbarks]

I live 2.3-3 hours away from my (and my DHs) home town, and have a 11 month old baby. I don't drive but DH drives us down often to see family and friends. We have grown a bit tired of having to go so often as baby doesn't enjoy the journey and it's all a bit stressful. We have 2 spare rooms and plenty to room for visitors, so we have been trying to encourage peo people to come here if poss. Baby is a good sleeper and doesn't keep guests awake.
I have a v close group of friends who all live in hometown. None of them have children. I had an argument with one friend in the group earlier in the year because she thought I was being difficult about meeting up and she said I had told them they all had to come to see us here (when actually I had just said we were travelling to hometown the weekend before so it would be easier for us not to have to do it 2 weekends in a row, but that we would also be happy to come down to them).
Side note: DS is nearly 1 and only half of the group have visited us once since baby arrived.
Me and the group of friends had put aside next weekend to see each other months ago, but no one had mentioned it since or said what or where. It's now emerged that there was a convo about what we would do (which I wasn't included in) and plans were made in hometown. Nothing was mentioned to me at all. I hadn't asked them to come here due to the aforementioned argument and I didn't want to be told I was demanding they come here again.
We are travelling to hometown this weekend for 3 big family events, and DS has this week decided he hates being in his car seat and cries pretty much the whole journey. I don't want him to have to do it 2 weekends in a row (nearly 3 hr journey on Sat and again going back on Sun).
Today is 1st time it is mentioned that (they thought) we were going to them. Then when I said I didn't know I was supposed to be coming down to them, and that DS hated traveling at the mo, they said that I did know because we had made plans to do thing X in hometown. I wasn't involved in the convo re that plan and have searched the group chat to make sure I didn't miss something.
London is equidistant for everyone and easy to get to, so I don't see why the assumption is that I will always go to them.
I'm also pregnant so feeling sick and shattered and have just started back at work. I feel like they really don't appreciate how difficult and tiring it is to travel down all the time with a little one. I know I have chosen to live away from hometown - but I feel like it shouldn't just be assumed that I will kart my whole family around (and the cot and all that other crap) because it suits them. AIBU?

You moved you suck it up - what a load of crap. People move. It’s life!

The thing about moving is that is highlights who you’re real friends are. Some friendships will naturally pale but real ones will stay strong.

The main thing is that you look after your own health and pace yourself. You can just be honest and say you don’t feel up to traveling due to sickness and baby is now a nightmare in the car. They mightn’t understand now but they probably will in a few years. You’re one step in front of them and they have no understanding of the tricky bits of parenting/pregnancy.

Regardless of what happens you need to root yourself and make friendships in your new area. Mummy friends.

It's not nice to be the ones doing all the running is it? I suggest you visit as little or as often as suits you both, and keep extending invitations for others to visit you. Try to make some friends in your area, meet up with others with similar aged children, join a group etc. It's time to establish your life where you are, you don't live in your hometown anymore so stop living like you just work away elsewhere. Don't be too upset if you find people don't visit you often, their lives are in your hometown so visiting you is likely to be as challenging as you find making the trip to see them. Family on the other hand, should be expected to make an effort, within reason.

We has this problem after we moved away from our hometown. We would frequently travel back to visit, sometimes as often as every couple of weeks. Occasionally people would visit us, but the visits would often tie in with an event they were attending in a nearby big city. Eventually the visits to us dwindled, and now we rarely have hometown visitors.
Once DS was born it became much more difficult for us to go so often, as it was disruptive and exhausting. We would have to visit everyone individually when we were there because we couldn't go out together in the evening to meet friends as we had previously because no one would/could babysit, and I didn't want to dump DS on relatives every time we saw them. So we stopped going so much and started inviting people to us more often. We also started making much more effort to make friends in our area.
Now we have lots of lovely friends where we are, and we visit family and some friends in our hometown maybe every 3 months. Hardly anyone comes here to see us, though my family make as much effort as we do.
DHs family haven't visited in well over 18 months however. He takes that hard, particularly as he suffers from depression. His mum won't drive to us as it's 'too far' (an hour and a half) and getting the train is 'too much hassle' as she'd have to change once. She will however, take coach trips to visit attractions near us fairly regularly .

Aside from that, our lives are here now, this is DS's 'hometown' and our adopted hometown too.

Life changes and you have to adapt to those changes, or you'll never settle and be happy.

You sound very young OP and I think that you havent quite understood that once you grow up, friendships change, I totally appreciate that sounds really patronising but Im genuinely not trying to be, this is part of being an adult, many of the friends you had when you were young and childfree would have drifted apart anyway never mind the added complication (and thats what it is) that you have moved 3 hours away from them.

They have their own lives in their own base which is now not your homebase anymore and to think that you would all meet up regularly once you moved several hours away with a young child was Im sorry to say, incredibly naive.

The onus is generally always on the person that chose to leave to do most of the travelling, it may not seem fair but thats the reason people generally dont become close friends and community with people 3 hours away, the close proximity IS a large part of the equation of the bond that holds people together.

Thats not to say that you wont be friends forever and continue to meet up but your friendship group and dynamics changed the moment you chose to leave and the onus IS on you to do the bulk of travelling. You chose to leave the community.

You also sound upset that they are having discussions that you are not included in, I appreciate that is frustrating as not being there means you couldnt have known about some of the plans but of course they are going to be discussing things in person when they all meet up, they cannot be expected to remember to relay all the conversation back to you. Its also not their fault that you are working 12 hour shifts, exhausted, pregnant, cant drive and wont visit them without bringing your baby.

Yanbu, yes you moved away but would it kill anyone to make an effort at least once a year to make the trip up to you.
Actually we didnt travel to our hometown for a year due to d's also hating his car seat and everyone was so accommodating and understanding
Seems like they were not interested in having you there as they didnt include you in the plans.
I would slowly distance myself and make new friends in your current place.

You're in one of the most difficult phases at the moment, I think, with toddler, pregnant and work so it is understandably upsetting when your old friends are being unhelpful.

Mat leave will be a really good opportunity to start getting to know people in your new town, and it will gradually get easier. It will also probably get easier when your hometown friends start having their own children, but you're unlikely to be as in sync as you were which changes the quality of the friendship.

I moved away and what I've found useful is a group text when we know which weekend we're going to be around. If they're not, it isn't a problem, we'll be down again soon, if they are, we meet up. It means you have to arrange your own events and timescales rather than fitting in with their plans, but you'll probably find you need to do that more when you have 2 children anyway.

Having done a lengthy commute to a different big city than the one I'm from in the past, doing it again at the weekend for a journey of an hour and a half would have been the last thing I'd want to do. Sure it's doable, but I wouldn't have done it unless it was someone very close or something very important. I still see why you feel it's not fair, but you can feel they're being inconsiderate whilst still getting that spending three hours travelling in and out of London at the weekend will actually be a considerable nuisance for some people.

I can also see why you're pissed off that nobody noticed you weren't in the group chat or added you. That would be upsetting even if they were all coming to London.

I should imagine that the group feel that it's easier for just you to travel than all of them.

If you can't make it then you can't-no big deal, surely?

Could you accomodate them all at yours & do a similar sort of meet up to what happens when you go there?

@OnionShite none of them work in London any more but did years ago. However I do! 3 days a week I commute an hour and a half. And I would do it again on a weekend to see my friends (although yes I would certainly prefer it if i didn't have to.

you can't force people to come to you

No, but it is a reasonable assumption that if a friend invites you to theirs that you may take them up on it every so often. If so-called friends CBA then they aren't particularly good friends

'They aren't necessarily good friends'. I don't agree. I haven't seen some of my friends for years as we live on opposite sides of the country, or in different countries, and we are all at very busy stages in our lives. Hope to meet up once things calm down but it doesn't make us bad friends... A good friend is someone you can just pick up with even if you haven't seen them for years. But not everyone can see their friends as often as they wish, especially if long distances are involved.

Aw you’re getting a hard time here. I think it’s totally understandable that you feel a bit pissed off. All my friends who live in my home town still made the journey five hours up to me when DS was born and regularly do for his birthday/christening etc. I have never made it all the way down to them as they understand that traveling with a baby is easier. Because they’re my friends!!! And I have never been more grateful and when they start families I shall do the same in return.
Funny enough some friends who live a couple of stops away on the tube never bothered. It says more about your friendships than your attitude unfortunately. Sorry love

A couple of stops on the tube with a baby isn't so bad either though? Your friends might have had 101 reasons why this is difficult for them, just as valid as your reasons. Maybe they don't want to see you because you're judging them...

Yes, time to make your base where you live now.

Hometown shouldn't be home any more. Those people are just getting on with their own lives, locally.

It's sad and a bit tricky to be reliant on people who are miles away and in a different stage in their lives.

It sounds like you are trying to be in two places at once. It doesn´t work. It is hard letting friendships drift, especially when you don´t really want to, but you can´t be running up and down the road every weekend - then you aren´t really living your life in either place. I suggest you scale back the visits to your home down. Go once a month or every 6 weeks (or whatever is reasonable for you), and spend your free time getting to know people and building up your life where you live now. Does it hurt when your friends are going out without you back at home? Yep, but that is the way it goes when you have left. They will still be your friends even though you don´t see them so often, they just won´t be as close as once they were.

It will get easier when you’ve put you’re roots down more in the new area.

YABU - if you have a group of say 10 friends/family, its far easier for 1 (ie you) to travel to 10 (friends and family) than vice versa.

Wow, OP I could have written your post. We moved about the same distance away from my hometown a few years ago and now that we've had a child and have another one on the way we can't get back to visit friends as often.
In the last year or so I've really struggled to keep some friendships going, it's tough to be the one that always travels! I invite friends to us often, we have lots of space and I love cooking and entertaining, but they clearly can't be arsed.
I've started to pull back, it's becoming clear that it's not worth the emotional investment, which is sad as some of them were great friends, but now I think part of our friendship clearly relied on proximity.

My advice to you is to pull back, focus on building new friendships locally.