To be annoyed at the assumption we always travel to them

[thiskittenbarks]

I live 2.3-3 hours away from my (and my DHs) home town, and have a 11 month old baby. I don't drive but DH drives us down often to see family and friends. We have grown a bit tired of having to go so often as baby doesn't enjoy the journey and it's all a bit stressful. We have 2 spare rooms and plenty to room for visitors, so we have been trying to encourage peo people to come here if poss. Baby is a good sleeper and doesn't keep guests awake.
I have a v close group of friends who all live in hometown. None of them have children. I had an argument with one friend in the group earlier in the year because she thought I was being difficult about meeting up and she said I had told them they all had to come to see us here (when actually I had just said we were travelling to hometown the weekend before so it would be easier for us not to have to do it 2 weekends in a row, but that we would also be happy to come down to them).
Side note: DS is nearly 1 and only half of the group have visited us once since baby arrived.
Me and the group of friends had put aside next weekend to see each other months ago, but no one had mentioned it since or said what or where. It's now emerged that there was a convo about what we would do (which I wasn't included in) and plans were made in hometown. Nothing was mentioned to me at all. I hadn't asked them to come here due to the aforementioned argument and I didn't want to be told I was demanding they come here again.
We are travelling to hometown this weekend for 3 big family events, and DS has this week decided he hates being in his car seat and cries pretty much the whole journey. I don't want him to have to do it 2 weekends in a row (nearly 3 hr journey on Sat and again going back on Sun).
Today is 1st time it is mentioned that (they thought) we were going to them. Then when I said I didn't know I was supposed to be coming down to them, and that DS hated traveling at the mo, they said that I did know because we had made plans to do thing X in hometown. I wasn't involved in the convo re that plan and have searched the group chat to make sure I didn't miss something.
London is equidistant for everyone and easy to get to, so I don't see why the assumption is that I will always go to them.
I'm also pregnant so feeling sick and shattered and have just started back at work. I feel like they really don't appreciate how difficult and tiring it is to travel down all the time with a little one. I know I have chosen to live away from hometown - but I feel like it shouldn't just be assumed that I will kart my whole family around (and the cot and all that other crap) because it suits them. AIBU?

People move for all sorts of reasons; jobs, because their partner is from somewhere else or simply for a better quality of life.

And? I moved to another country both for work and for a better quality of life ... I still accepted that I would be the one to do the bulk of the travelling to see people as I was the one who chose to move away and you can't force people to come to you.

Why would my friends organise a meetup in my city that was inconvenient for everyone and mean at least a few people wouldn't be able to attend - either because of work schedules or cost - just so I could attend when they could send a text round a few days before and meet up in the local pub without me?

I don't expect them to do baby friendly stuff at all - we regularly do not baby friendly stuff. But I need to know what the plan is, so I can let DH know he is looking after baby. I had no idea about the plans that were made as they were made in person when I wasn't there and only found out because I probed. If I decided to take baby down on the train on my own and then found out the plans that were made without me are something baby can't go to I'd have travelled 3 hours to sit in on my own.

Well if the group of friends live in the hometown & it's convenient for a night out there, I'm not sure why you'd think that they should all travel elsewhere that's convenient to you.

"But I need to know what the plan is, so I can let DH know he is looking after baby."

Why not just make the decision to leave baby & have a catch up with friends?

Not read the full thread.

People are being harsh!

We love 2.5 hours away from majority of family and friends who mostly live within 30 minutes of each other max.

We have three children all under 5.

We don’t travel with the children for weekend visits. It’s too much time in the car, too tiring and stressful and no one gets any sleep.

My friends from school/uni have travelled abroad to see us (and no doubt take advantage of free accommodation in popular holiday locations).

We have lots of room here for people to stay and we are good hosts. Almost everyone recognises that we just can’t be as flexible as they can be and they mainly come to visit us and then DH and I visit them separately for weekends without the children.

Sounds like your friends aren’t interested enough in you to realise that travelling with a baby is stressful and awkward.

Time to let those friendships fizzle our, see them when you are there anyway but don’t make your life unnecessarily complicated for friends who can’t se that it’s difficult for you at the moment.

As I said in pp Ive just returned to work doing 12 hour days and was looking forward to seeing baby. I still probably wouldn't have minded leaving him for a night if I was involved in the planning in any way.

I hate the fact that because we left our hometowns to go to Uni, met a life partner and didn’t return we are the ones who have to run all over the country. Do people who live in their home towns ever leave them?

You need to make friends in the town you live in, and just keep in touch with your old friends when it's convenient for you. Trying to maintain your original social circle when they all live a three hour drive away just isn't sustainable!

I am in a similar position to you, but a little further down the line with the ages of my dc.

My advice would be to scale back your time and energy going to and from your hometown and start building a proper circle of friends and people you can rely where you are. You have your life and your children and are moving on, it seems your old friends are yet to catch up. Some friendships are not intended to last forever and I would think about some distance. If they are making plans without you it can be hurtful, the ones that truly care will make an effort to stay in contact and come and see you. It will be a good test.

Once your new baby is here there is no way you will be able to do it, so best make plans now for NOT going and let them all get used to the idea.

You either move back or make a life where you are.

No more travelling. Go twice a year like we do, Easter and Christmas. I have found it is more than enough and have the most wonderful circle of friends where I am, so I don't really miss going back now at all.

there's always a bit of tension with the "ive moved 3 inches since birth" brigade who often feel chippy about never leaving their home town if its a small insignificant one rather than a big city.

hard to know if that is playing in here but I think you are definitely reasonable to cut down on travel in your circs.

perhaps just recognise that you need local friends, and see home friends a couple of times a year.

And I don't think they should have to come here. But I do think there should be some convo about it. If I am asked If I am free on weekend X and I say yes I don't think that automatically has to mean I will pack up DH and baby and travel down to them. It's not hard to say "are you guys happy to come down? or shall we meet in (equidistant) london?"

Surely when asked if your free on weekend x you me reply would involve asking what the plan is surely? You don’t just agree to a date with no idea do you?

I think you need to accept that the majority of traffic will be back to your original home, but try inviting the odd couple to stay with you. You need to spend time in your own area to make it feel more like your own, real, home, not live a split life.

I really like individual visits as I get older, especially as groups can get dominated or mean that you don't do a proper catch up.

I feel your pain though, as my friends are scattered all over the country - somehow we hardly ever seem to meet up where I live in Birmingham, even though it's perfect for transport!.

kitten You need to stop worrying about them, what they did or didn't say and move on with your life. Find new friends with babies and you can enjoy some fun evenings and weekends together. Your old friends will still be there but just seem them much less often.

You are going to have your hands full soon anyway! You won't be caring about who is meeting up with who

I get that you'd like to see your baby as well as your friends, but that's not on offer. Park the baby at home and go and see the friends.

Showing willing this time will make them more inclined to come to you next time.

You need to stop worrying about them, what they did or didn't say and move on with your life

I think this is good advice.

It's not hard to say "are you guys happy to come down? or shall we meet in (equidistant) london?"

So why don't you initiate that?

Hometown Friend: Hey are you free on weekend X?
OP: yeah why?
HF: Thinking of getting together
OP: Don't think we can get to that weekend. Do you all want to come to us? Or we could probably make it to London if you want to meet halfway?
HF: Süre, when should we come?/Sorry it's not convenient to come to you
OP: OK,

My new favourite expression is - the road goes both ways.

We live 4-5 hours from DHs hometown (not mine!) he hasn't lived there full time for 27 years.
We still get 'it's much easier for you to come here'.....

No it's not. Both of his parents are gone, we have to stay in a hotel there. Perception from extended family and friends is it's no inconvenience on basis he was born there. It's stupid.

I refuse to go now. I did 25 years of the journey. One of his siblings has visited ONCE (too far) and still thinks we can 'pop up' for all sorts of things like there is no time/cost involved.

Most of them aren't even that hospitable when we are there and are awkward about arrangements. 'Were actually busy this weekend now, but we are free next weekend, just come again!'

You will always make get the bulk of the journeys but someone else should at least make an effort.

I think the fact you have room and you have welcomed the visits of your friends... makes you a very kind and generous host... more fool them for missing the opportunity to escape the city for a nice weekend away

I totally understand how you feel but I agree that, whether they have children or not, it would still be an effort for them to go to you when it's easier to meet in your home town.

I moved away to a European city 15 years ago and my good friends have only visited twice. They have young children now so it makes it harder but they both have husbands/family who could help out if they came for the weekend. I've come to accept it though.

Also, because they have children, when I fly back to visit them (once a year), I often have to go to where they are and they all live in different counties. It's a pain and I feel like I'm already making the effort to get a flight, so they could at least leave their kids at home for one afternoon a year to come meet in the main city!

So, while I understand how you feel, it also works the other way with parents often making their friends work around them (rightly or wrongly). Although I feel a little hurt that I make more effort, I also understand that it was my choice to move away. Plus I consider them such wonderful friends, especially for keeping in contact with me all this time (which is an effort in itself), that I forgive them this one thing.

Much as I can see why you're peeved, it sounds like you're downplaying how difficult it would be for them- you're just throwing in let's meet in London very casually. Personally I'd absolutely hate to drive into London so I can see why they're not up for it. If it's equidistant and you're a 3 hour journey away, it's a 1.5 hour one for them which many people would find a ballache at weekend. Also if you have to cross London to get to them, would they not have to cross it at least partially, unless you're talking about meeting on the outskirts which I would guess might be just as difficult for you?

Tbh I don't think either of you are BU particularly. I do think it would be a good idea for you to go for some baby free time with them too. I'm guessing DS will be mobile soon, if not already, which believe me is going to be even less fun and games travel wise.

You're right though that they don't get it. People just don't until they have kids themselves. It's just how it is.

Blimey. There are some arseholes on here. The OP said she is happy to travel most of the rind but would also like her friends to visit her occasionally. Seems fair enough.

people who stay in the same town all their lives just don’t get it. Because they wouldn’t dream of leaving their home town, they don’t get why you would. Refusing to visit you is a bit like a punishment, to tell you off for daring to leave!
I left my hometown twenty years ago and have pretty much moved on from my old friends. I have new friends down here. The ones from back home who can be bothered to visit or stay in touch aren’t always the ones you expect either. It’s a real eye opener. Move on. Make new friends. You won’t look back.

I have good friends who are far away. They have 'stayed' where we originally met.
20 years on we still meet up.

Meeting up can be me going to see them, or us meeting up somewhere else.
It's working because everyone is making an effort. Because everyone is happy to see each other.

What I hear in this OP is that the friends back home are actually not missing the OP that much and would be quite happy to carry in just in their own. So much so that they don't even notice when they plan stuff wo her.
That would be a warning sign for me that the friendship has started to die off.

Most people in the group have in the past commuted to London every day. I also commute to London part time. It's not a big journey for anyone and is an hour for each of us on a train (plus a bit of time getting to the chosen location in London). Very doable.
There are 5 in the group - so thinking about it if it was all fair and square every 5th visit would be to me. It's definitely no where near that.