My birthday

[newmum7369]

I know this is petty, but I want to know if IABU.

My husband plays rugby on Saturdays for a local side. It's my birthday coming up and it's the first time it's landed on a Saturday in the 6 years we've been together. I have said I'd like to go to a place I love for a walk with DS (3 months) and lunch in a nice pub I like. It's not a big birthday.

He's saying no because he has rugby. He's missing rugby the following week because he's going to Twickenham to watch England play. I've never asked him to miss it for me before, including training 2 nights a week.

AIBU for thinking if he can miss rugby for Twickenham he can miss it for my birthday? He had a big birthday this year and I took a day off work, took him away for a night in a swanky hotel and organised a meal out with approx 30 of his friends.

I just want him to come for a walk and lunch on my birthday! Even if he comes now it's only because i persuaded him, so he can't win now! Gahhh!

Actually I don’t think you are being unreasonable. It’s more about what he views as important. He values the effing rugby more than making you feel special.

If he had said “ I’ve planned x,y &z on Friday and Sunday do you mind if I’m out on Saturday?” I’d think more of him but I think he’s being an arse...

@Brens13 - I do agree to an extent. He's played rugby a lot longer than he's known me so I would never expect him to give his hobby up or sacrifice it regularly. However, he's now married with a young child and just occasionally you have to make compromises so that everyone feels happy. It's one game out of what would be over 100 games/training sessions a year.

Also, the Twickers ticket is free! He was invited by his Dad whose friend couldn't make it anymore. Not a reason to pass up the opportunity of course, and I've got no problem with him going, it's just annoying that he can miss playing for that and not to do something nice for me!

@newmum7369 I do understand, I hope my post came across fairly light hearted, I had just read a lot of "your DH is a selfish knob" posts in reply (which I assume are not overly helpful to you as I'm sure he's not and has just upset you on this particular point) so thought I'd put it from the other point of view to try and balance it up a bit.

I would probably just explain to him the reasons why it upsets you a bit and that you were excited for your first family birthday together. I know after our matches we shower, stay for teas and socialise for a bit - maybe he could not do that this time and come straight home so as to make more time for you. Or if it's an afternoon match could you all go for a nice brunch before his match, then have the walk on the Sunday?

I really hope you have a lovely birthday weekend. (And I really hope England win the rugby when he goes too!) x

YABU

Rugby is a religion in our house.

Seriously though, it may be that he’s letting an entire team down if he ditches. Could you do it later in the day, or on the Sunday as a compromise?

@Brens13 - no not at all! Sorry if I came across a bit blunt too! I do appreciate that it's a commitment and in some respects, a bit of a way of life. It's very rare that I ask him to miss it (weddings, our honeymoon, very occasional one off events really). He and his Dad are both sport mad, so I understand that that's unlikely to change, but equally I don't want to have to be the one who compromises all the time for the rest of our lives!

I would be annoyed if DP couldn't miss a rugby game for my birthday. Yet he can miss it for Twickenham! The fact is that you're probably feeling second best to his rugby and considering he plays 3 times a week he should make an effort for your birthday. You made all the effort for his birthday!! (I know it was a big birthday, but that's besides the point) I can totally see where you're coming from OP and I would feel exactly the same. I hope he realises that you're special and deserve to be given a special day x

@newmum7369 that's definitely fair enough. I'm currently pregnant with our first (so not playing, boo hoo) and know that things will have to be different occasionally when they're here. I think it's probably easier for women to realise that though as the baby relies on us so much at the start we get used to having to put them first and make compromises. As this situation isn't a compromise for the baby's sake, but for yours, it makes it slightly harder again for him to understand I expect.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice how to raise it with him and make him see it differently. I think if he doesn't compromise this time though make sure he realises that he hasn't, and that this may have to change in the future when family events must start to take priority. Start preparing him mentally for the next time!

So what is he actually doing for your birthday?

You arranged a night in a swanky hotel and a meal with 30 friends for his big birthday, and yet you have to arrange your own birthday?

This strikes me as veey unfair. And you don't sound like a child, OP. It's sad that you feel guilty about asserting what you need.

My DH ws/is a rugby fanatic, he would never miss a game, he managed the team so he did have an important 'role' and in many ways I admired his commitment to his team.

I remember one year I insisted he stayed home on a Saturday night with me ....... he did but went to bed at 8pm in a sulk.

I then organised my life so that it was full of friends and nice things to do on Saturdays.

We have now been married 30 years - he is seriously knackered with so many old rugby injuries, has lost touch with all his rugby mates - meanwhile I have a huge circle of friends and interests - he is the one staying home alone on Saturdays .

Not sure what my point is, just telling you my situation .

I’d definitely go with asking him what he has arranged for your birthday. Doesn’t sound like his social commitments have changed too much since becoming a father. He really needs to think on this. Why does the wife always have to compromise?

YANBU he sounds really selfish. It would be different if he was really committed to playing but, as you say, he can miss it for something else he wants to do. Your birthday won’t be on a Saturday again for a few years so I think you should speak to him and tell him how it’s made you feel.

You said you took a day off for his birthday, has he ever done that for you?

I think he is being selfish. I can only assume the posters that don't think he is also don't think birthdays are important.

Both me and DH think birthdays are important. In over 30 years of marriage we have always gone out for the day if not gone away. We have both always taken the day or days off work.

No we celebrate our birthdays but it just doesn't have to be on the actual day if it clashes with other arrangements. There are plenty of days where we don't have things on that we can use as our birthday celebration.

I do agree though we don't consider them important enough to waste annual leave on as we prefer to use them for actual holidays or for kids stuff!

Some people's logic baffles me.

Yes you could do something later or do something on another day but it's your birthday!
You spend all year looking after kids, work etc so on a birthday it's your turn to be spoiled.
Like you did with dp. The day should be about something you enjoy.
I hope you get your day you hope for
If it was me I'd go without him and take lots of picture of what him missed out on.