To speak to son's school about a video he made in class on his phone

[ginexplorer]

So the background is - I have a year 8 son at grammar school.
Last years end of year report was mixed with some excellent feedback and some with feedback like "he needs to stop messing about and distracting others in class" and "extremely able but could push himself a lot more". That kind of stuff.

So we have had conversations etc to stop the larking around (he loves the school and his friends in particular), and he promised he would make more effort this year. I tried to put it down to 1st year settling in and going through changes early.

I spoke to his maths teacher recently as I know he was really underachieving there - to see if he was struggling and there was more help /support needed. (Maths has always been his major strength). She said he still messed about a bit but not on her "radar" for concern. (Clearly the teachers are monitoring).

Also had a chat ref homework around 4 weeks in and nudged his tutor to have a word as he was basically letting it pile up. I saw an immediate improvement so assumed this was a good thing and had nipped it a problem in the bud.

However, I checked his phone recently and found that in maths he had been recording under the desk in secret another boy - it wasn't mean (the other boy knew and was in on it) but it was clearly messing about and in complete defiance of the rules about no mobile phones in class or break/lunch.

He is obviously thinks he is too clever to get caught, although clearly not clever enough to delete it. I think he was wrong to do this as clearly not paying any attention to the lesson and after all our chats I feel I've done enough to help him /support him. My thought was to tell the school to make them aware but not to let him know I'd told them. (Clearly he'd hate me for this) and maybe counter productive.

My husband disagrees I should tell the school and says his card would be marked and it would ruin his academic career.

Even if I don't contact school I still think he needs a consequence - end of day he got caught and needs consequences!

Am I being unreasonable ? If not school - then what other better alternatives you think may help? Do you have any similar experiences ?

Well done on your parenting OP. Good job. Problem resolved.

Seven201 - I think you need to read my post further back as I did actually acknowledge that already. I was going to deal with it (but hadn't done so decisively and was unsure what to do) but I wanted to know also if I should tell the school.

here is an excerpt from original post also "Even if I don't contact school I still think he needs a consequence - end of day he got caught and needs consequences!"

So I do want to parent my child and I know its my job. I am however struggling a bit as am often undermined when doing so. This is a difficult situation. I am working on it.

Checking his phone is absolutely not snooping and I wish all parents would do this.

Your DH needs to present a united front and save any criticisms for a private discussion. Videoing is a problem I agree but it’s a bit of stupid behaviour and easily managed (as you’ve shown). The DH situation will need more work. Good luck!

To be honest I don’t think it’s a bad idea to contact the school to say you’ve taken his phone off him because you found he’d used it in school time. The more adults in his life that can support the stance the better. It’s certainly not an abdication of your parental duties. If you had 100% unwavering support from his dad you wouldn’t probably think of this. But you want him to hear the same message from someone else - I get that totally.

Thats exactly it Cauliflower:) I think you have hit the nail on the head completely. Its such a relief to be understood.