To speak to son's school about a video he made in class on his phone

[ginexplorer]

So the background is - I have a year 8 son at grammar school.
Last years end of year report was mixed with some excellent feedback and some with feedback like "he needs to stop messing about and distracting others in class" and "extremely able but could push himself a lot more". That kind of stuff.

So we have had conversations etc to stop the larking around (he loves the school and his friends in particular), and he promised he would make more effort this year. I tried to put it down to 1st year settling in and going through changes early.

I spoke to his maths teacher recently as I know he was really underachieving there - to see if he was struggling and there was more help /support needed. (Maths has always been his major strength). She said he still messed about a bit but not on her "radar" for concern. (Clearly the teachers are monitoring).

Also had a chat ref homework around 4 weeks in and nudged his tutor to have a word as he was basically letting it pile up. I saw an immediate improvement so assumed this was a good thing and had nipped it a problem in the bud.

However, I checked his phone recently and found that in maths he had been recording under the desk in secret another boy - it wasn't mean (the other boy knew and was in on it) but it was clearly messing about and in complete defiance of the rules about no mobile phones in class or break/lunch.

He is obviously thinks he is too clever to get caught, although clearly not clever enough to delete it. I think he was wrong to do this as clearly not paying any attention to the lesson and after all our chats I feel I've done enough to help him /support him. My thought was to tell the school to make them aware but not to let him know I'd told them. (Clearly he'd hate me for this) and maybe counter productive.

My husband disagrees I should tell the school and says his card would be marked and it would ruin his academic career.

Even if I don't contact school I still think he needs a consequence - end of day he got caught and needs consequences!

Am I being unreasonable ? If not school - then what other better alternatives you think may help? Do you have any similar experiences ?

👌well done

Good. He clearly isn't going to follow the school rules without heavier pressure than school are prepared to put in place. Your DH needs to sort his head out and stop trying to be a "cool" parent. It's not a big leap to wonder why your son has little respect for the rules.

I'm glad you've taken the phone off him.
tbh I'd still tell school because I'd want them to know that pupils are filming in class so they can read them the riot act. Your DS is saying the other boy knew but there's a massive opportunity for bullying with secret filming.

Confiscate his phone. Stop trying to get the school to parent for you.

I got pulled in once for selling 'happy powder' to other kids pretending it was drugs. It was sherbet, mind. Never affected my academic career. I think your husband is being a bit silly thinking this sort of thing could impact anything other than his sons own learning in class.

I'd tell them.

If he needs a phone for just in cases calls can you lock his down with parental controls and a password he can't guess.

We don't have academic files here that are passed to universities so I have no idea why your husband would think his 'cards would be marked'.

I agree take his phone, no fanfare, just let him know he clearly can't be trusted to follow basic rules like no phones in class so you're taking it away. If he doesn't like it, then he'll know he has to have a severe about-face with the behaviour!

Have you ever considered that he may be bored shitless? If he's extremely able and his teachers are failing to occupy him then inevitably he will mess around at this age. What he's done actually sound extremely tame. A lot of gifted pupils I have known have run riot at school including but not limited to sneaking out of their rooms to meet boys who had jumped the school wall, redirecting traffic into the school (by stealing traffic cones and setting out on the main road during the night), skipping school at least once a week (me), bullying teachers (only the stupid ones obviously but still not good behaviour), telling the careers counsellor for five years that she wanted to be a lorry driver when she grew up then going to medical school without telling the school, the list goes on. Just tell him to take novel to class when th him so that he can just read quietly instead of being disruptive.

Ttbb, are you joking? So because one child views himself as clever he can do whatever he likes in a lesson?

As for the comment about only bullying the stupid teachers - WTF?

I really feel for the teachers of your children.

But anyway, I agree with giving your son a basic phone for school and I would add a weekly check of the history of the phone to find out what he’s been up to. Most schools would take covert filming very seriously and it would usually result in a fixed term exclusion.

I would also have a chat with your husband. It sounds like he could do with a few parenting lessons...

Ttbb are you just trying to be provocative?

If I remember correctly, Ttbb only thinks private schools are the way to go...

It's rough when as parents we have to come down hard on our kids.

So huge for you for doing the right thing.

Take his phone away during school and give him a pay as you go brick to use during school time if an emergency arises !!

Why do you feel the need to check his phone? I've raised 3 teens through to adulthood.they all had phones I never once felt the need to snoop on them.all high achievers academically,no issues ,no problems they knew they were trusted and respected..let him be.your too involved..or take the phone and cause resentment,your choice

Toooldfor the police advise parents to look at their children's phones because they are children and are often stupid. Your own children may not have been pissing around in class possibly affecting the academic achievement of the other children around them.

OP I would also let the school know for the simple reason he may not be the only child filming. Clearly the other child knew he was being filmed. You could do this anonymously.

But yes, take his phone, give him a cheap PAYG and not just for the video but for his behaviour. You need to check that his homework is done. Does he not have a planner that you sign every week to say you have checked? My son's school does.

sounds to me like the real problem is with your dh!

The videoing isn’t the problem. The problem is your DH undermining you. It’s making you question your approach and it’s making your son behave worse. That’s the problem that you need to deal with.

I've raised 3 teens through to adulthood.they all had phones I never once felt the need to snoop on them.all high achievers academically,no issues ,no problems they knew they were trusted and respected

Well good for you. I am glad you are clearly such a perfect parent that you never had any issues with your children. If only we could all be like you and have your kids!

I, however AM having issues. All of my friends check there young teens phones and I think its pretty sensible as they need guidance about what is and isn't acceptable to post.

I check it to make sure that my son (as is recommended by the school and from the esafety magazine and evening Ive attended at school. I check to ensure he isn't bullying anyone else, on the receiving end of bullying, posting videos that could get him into trouble (in this case it could have had I not spotted it). He is still at an age where he is learning about social media and needs guidance and rules. I can't ban it - its everywhere. I need to educate him so he uses it respectfully. Perhaps you need to realise that not all children are the same? Some will push the boundaries harder than others. Maybe yours didn't - lucky you. Perhaps they weren't subjected to it as much as children are now as you indicate hey are now older.

I don't check constantly, and I gave him the freedom of using Instagram and other apps which I gave guidance on beforehand and trusted him to use. However he has now broken that trust and I've taken the phone away. If I hadn't checked I may never have known. Perhaps your kids are so clever they do it all behind your back ? How would you have ever known?

I came on here to check out something I was unsure about and received some good advice from most people and I've acted on it. I'm really grateful to those people. Thank you. Being called a snoop and telling me about your perfect children is really not constructive - unless of course you are just a troll! I can't think of any other reason you would say such negative things other than to make yourself sound superior.

I know his sounds harsh but it is your job to parent you son, not the school’s! Your dh needs to work with you and not make you out to be the badie! That’s not fair and won’t achieve anything.

cauliflower - the videoing is a problem, but you are right in that DH is undermining me. I won't go into here - I know its not a marital helpline!

I need to work harder/find a smarter way to engage his support and back up as I am struggling on my own to be honest.