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AIBU?

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Original poster

To miss my old life?

31 replies

bemore · 26/10/2017 18:14

New person here. Hi 👋🏻

Feel like I need some impartial input on my life. Maybe a kick up the arse, some sympathy, I'm not actually sure what really but I'm open to it all....

I recently, after a bit (a lot) of pressure from my Husband/Family, gave up a very well paid but hugely demanding/time consuming job. My kids are a bit older, both over 10, I've worked full time since they were both babies. Back then it was a necessity but laterally, I didn't need to do it, but I did.
I worked really hard in my career and was proud of what I'd achieved.
However, it got to the point our family life wasn't great, I was working super long hours, weekends, etc etc. If I needed time off though, I got it so I didn't really see the issue but it was causing problems.
My husband + immediate family basically pushed me into resigning.
I'm now at stay at home mum, but my kids are at school/have a good social life, my husband is now working all the hours under the sun as he is expanding his company {with some input and help from me} and I honestly don't know what to do with myself.
I miss my old life. And I feel guilty for that because everyone is now much happier apart from me....my husband doesn't want me to get another job, even though i have been offered a couple, I've turned them down.
I don't know how to feel about everything. I'm bored out my mind.
And I can't talk to anyone close because they think I'm being ridiculous. Even my own sister can't understand why I'm not happy!!!
Any words of advice Mumsnet?????
Am I being selfish?
Thanks!l

OP posts:
LadyLoveYourWhat · 26/10/2017 18:18

Does it have to be all or nothing? Could you go back to work but do fewer hours? Why is it OK for you husband to work stupid hours, but not you?

WHATISTHISNIGHTMARE · 26/10/2017 18:18

Not at all selfish I would say.

Accept one of the jobs before your skills lose some relevance I would also say.

Why did your family pressure you?

LadyLoveYourWhat · 26/10/2017 18:20

My job makes up a big part of my identity, I don't think I could give it up just like that, I really don't think you are being selfish.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 26/10/2017 18:23

Take one of the jobs and ditch the husband.

Any man who thinks you should be home and not have a career isn't worth having.

Your children will gain a great deal from you working, it's not selfish at all.

Gingertam · 26/10/2017 18:24

Agree with LadyLove. You've gone from one extreme to the other. I think if you never work again you could end up bitter in years to come. Accept a job whilst you are still in demand but just try to find some work/life balance. Of course hubby is happy, the question is are you?

OvertiredandConfused · 26/10/2017 18:25

You are not being selfish. I couldn’t not work now - I love my job, my colleagues and the satisfaction it gives me.

However, I did not work for 2.5 years. I got properly involved in being a school governor (I now Chair a multi-academy Trust), Parish council and deanery synod. These were hugely demanding and fulfilling roles that also gave me an independent life.

If you decide not to go back to work, I thorough recommend a version of that route - you could look at being a magistrate, charity trustee etc, etc

I’ll leave it to others to comment on the relationship and family dynamics.....

Original poster
bemore · 26/10/2017 18:46

Thank you for your replies, will try and give a bit more context...
I worked A LOT, sometimes upwards of 60 hours a week so I think I was a bit blinkered to how my family were feeling.
That said, my kids are both happy, do well at school, have great friends etc, etc and with them being a bit older, I actually thought it was easier. As in they walk to/from school unsupervised, could spend half hour or so in the house before my husband got home, to me it felt easier. But everyone else says opposite and couldn't understand why I'd want to spend so much time at work.
I said before that my husband is expanding his business, this is great, it really is and it means financially we haven't missed my salary, but I think this has gone to his head a bit. He's not an awful person by any means but I just feel that everything now is on his terms and I HATE IT!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
SavageBeauty73 · 26/10/2017 18:48

Get a part time job?

Ellapaella · 26/10/2017 18:52

Why did you have to be the one to give up and not your dh? Working was obviously a huge part of your life and who you were and if the kids are okay I’d say go back to work, maybe try and get a better work life balance if at all possible.

honeylulu · 26/10/2017 18:52

Definitely go back to work!
I'm not knocking what people say about it being good for kids to have a parent around but if that parent is unhappy and unfulfilled the benefit is cancelled out. It's not a good thing to model for your children - that being a mother means you compromise something really important to you.
I'm like you - I love having a career and I would HATE to play second fiddle to a man's!

Original poster
bemore · 26/10/2017 18:54

@SavageBeauty73 I would, but my Husband doesn't want me to.. sounds ridiculous I know. He basically says that everyone is happier now I'm not working and, financially we're fine, so can't see why I'd want to work!!!
There's not many part time jobs in the area I work in, I could freelance though which I'm looking into at that moment.
I think I just needed to vent a little bit. And I've become a total mumsnet fan since I've had time {lots of time} to sit + enjoy!

OP posts:
Original poster
bemore · 26/10/2017 18:56

@Ellapaella I was on a good wage but my husband earns a lot more than me and has potential to earn even more now he has more time {because I'm at home}.
I am totally see his point, he thinks this will benefit in the long run but I think I'm going to crack!!!

OP posts:
Mishappening · 26/10/2017 18:57

60 hours a week and an OH who is running his own business - something had to give. But perhaps you have given too much! You have several options:

  • look for part time work
  • retrain in something you love - I made a new career out of my hobby (photography)
  • work more hours in your OH's business
  • get out there and enjoy yourself - that sounds good to me!
  • volunteer - you will have valuable skills to offer

The important thing is that you do not see yourself as defined by your job - you are you whether you are sweeping roads or a brain surgeon!

Ellapaella · 26/10/2017 18:57

Everyone is happier except you.

GummyGoddess · 26/10/2017 19:01

Get another job, it's pointless you giving up work just to sink into a depression which is where you sound like you're heading.

With your new job do not work so many hours, the issue was the hours you worked, not that you had a job.

How would your husband like it if he had to give up work and you continued? If you need the job for your mental health then you need it and he shouldn't stand in your way.

Mayhemmumma · 26/10/2017 19:02

60hrs to zero must feel mind numbingly boring.

BUT to try to defend your other half he has been with you (presumably supportive) for over 10 years in this demanding role. If he was just an arsehole the marriage would have collapsed a long time ago. My DH works similar long hours and it is very hard on the family unit. Maybe he was worries for your health and wellbeing and wanted more time with you? (As opposed to be a controlling pig?)

You agreed to this, clearly your are an intelligent capable woman who could have said No? Maybe part of you thought it would be sensible but now you're feeling lost.

Perhaps think of all the things you've dreamed of doing if time and money allowed and start making them happen? Enjoy the luxury? There's nothing stopping you to 're train in something or put your mind and knowledge to other uses?

Or after a trial run say it's not for you and go back to work? Or work with DH?

LadyLoveYourWhat · 26/10/2017 19:04

Ella is spot on, no everyone is not happy, you are far from it! You don't need your husband's permission to go back to work, either. If the situation were reversed would he be happy to completely give up working, does his job not give him an extra feeling of self worth? Why is it that you are expected to feel differently?

NefretForth · 26/10/2017 19:05

You matter too, you know. And even if you didn't, the family won't benefit from you being at home and unhappy. What your husband means is that it suits him to have you at home, no doubt picking up all the domestic load. His view is not more important than yours (and his work is not more important than yours just because it's paid more).

RavingRoo · 26/10/2017 19:05

One of my senior most MDs works a 4 day week and her manager works a 3 day wk. Agree with others - it doesn’t have to be all or nothing, and being key time doesn’t mean you can’t get promoted.

MrLovebucket · 26/10/2017 19:05

I'd do more hours in your husband's business so that he can reduce his hours and be at home more.

Gets you out of the house, something to put on your CV for future employment and keeps your mind/body active.

NefretForth · 26/10/2017 19:06

Actually, the last thing I'd do is work in the husband's business - that just reinforces the idea that he's the important one and everyone else is there to service him!

MrsMozart · 26/10/2017 19:08

Do what males YOU happy.

pallisers · 26/10/2017 19:09

@SavageBeauty73 I would, but my Husband doesn't want me to.. sounds ridiculous I know. He basically says that everyone is happier now I'm not working and, financially we're fine, so can't see why I'd want to work!!!

Well you are not happier so clearly everyone isn't happier. Are your children really happier or do they even notice. I suspect your husband is the one who is really happier because he feels free to work on his business without worry/guilt about the house/kids.

Go back to work. Find something that isn't 60 hours a week ideally but why not work when you clearly want to.

mishfish · 26/10/2017 19:10

So your husband pushed you into giving up your career so he could expand his business as that’s what it reads to me!

Fishface77 · 26/10/2017 19:11

You are important.
Your wants and needs are important.
What do you actually want?
Can you gt the same/similar job on better terms?
Don't become reliant on your husband and "his" money if you are already saying everything is on his terms then something isn't right.

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