To expect my word choices to be respected?

[BigbreastsBiggerbeard]

I have an illness that prevents me from doing a lot of things. I may WANT to do things, but I CAN'T.

Now, it seems fairly clear to me that the two are entirely different. It's down to ability, not desire.

AIBU to expect people to also understand the distinction and not continually say "but you don't want to do that". Or "but you won't do that", when the activities they are referring to are not possible due to my ill health?

I have just broken up with my partner, am very upset. But our communication was dreadful and this was one thing he did that used to upset me very much.

Whenever I tried to explain how there was quite a difference between 'can't' and 'won't', he refused to see it. He would become defensive about his choice of words. Essentially saying "it's the same thing". It really isn't.

I would be keen to know other people's opinion on this.

It's pretty basic english comprehension. Anyone who doesnt understand is either being deliberately obtuse or a bit dim.

He’s an ex. It really isn’t worth the headspace.

I have 3 conditions that each have fatigue as major symptoms. I totally understand where you’re coming from. Communication can be tough anyway, but my DH doesn’t listen to what I’m try to convey. It eats away over time. My big one is “are you alright?” When I’ve just moved and made loads of pain sounds. I’m not going to waste my breath anymore explaining why that’s such a stupid question and with it being a yes or no answer, I just growl no at him. He makes a fake sympathetic noise and we carry on. Annoys the fuck out me. Don’t ask if I’m alright, ask me if you can help, or how I’m feeling or something vaguely sincere.

Yadnbu if this was enough to draw a line for you. My DH makes up for his prickishness in other ways.

This is another one of those threads where I can immediately tell who has and hasn't experienced chronic illness.

Most people with chronic illnesses will have already had years of comments like this - subtle choices of words that undermine your experiences, disbelief from family, friends, colleagues, medical professionals. It's exhausting and it makes you defensive to some extent (and understandably so).

My husband struggled initially to get his head round my health issues. I think he didn't want to believe that things were as bad as they are and wilfully chose to minimise it to himself. Then fairly early on he travelled with me when I had an operation done by specialist a few hours away. He was there when the specialist came to speak to me after my surgery and he was in tears while the specialist explained everything they'd found and done. After that he admitted he hadn't taken it seriously enough and his attitude changed. It changed further once we were living together and he saw what I was dealing with every day.

He would never EVER mix up the words can't and won't. He understands that I'm not making a choice. In fact he understands that I push myself to do far more than I should and if I'm saying I can't do something, I really can't.

This use of language is deliberate and isn't something you should put up with.

By the way, my DH is not perfect - I posted a couple of months ago about the fact that when my pain is at its worst he doesn't even acknowledge it, just pretends I'm not lying on the sofa in tears. I find that hard to deal with, but I know he just doesn't know what to say. If I was lying there in agony and he was coming out with things like "I assume you don't want to do x or y now", i would lose my shit.

It's not a word choice. He hasn't struggled to understand the difference between can't and won't.

You have been in a relationship with someone who has not believed or respected your illness and your limitations. I hope you didn't have to put up with him for a long time.

DD has ME. I understand the difference, but I do know how very difficult it is for other people to fully appreciate it. However as your DP he had that insight as he will have been with you 24/7. So there is no excuse for his ignorance.

I'm sorry that you are probably feeling that your illness has caused your relationship to end. In reality it was his lack of compassion and understanding that did that.

There is a big difference between can't and won't. They mean very different things. But yes, lots of people don't use them according to their precise meanings, and do treat them as if they're interchangeable.

However, I don't think that's necessarily what's happening here. The OP's ex might or might not be aware of the difference. The OP's ex might or might not be using "won't" in order to wind up the OP. The OP has tried explaining the difference to him, but it's not worked. All she can now do is not engage with the conversation. Make gentle fun of him every time he does it, if that works for her.

At this point there's no changing him, and all you can do is change your reaction to him. If he doesn't get you upset with it, he might stop doing it.

And yes, it stinks that he's doing ths.

He's an arse and that's why he's your ex.

I get that it's very upsetting during a break up but going over and over in your head who was unreasonable is pointless and unhealthy. It must be unreasonable or you wouldn't be so pissed off and upset about it. It's nothing to do with wording it's to do with his apparent lack of empathy about your limiting condition.

He ruled a lot of your emotions in the relationship OP don't let him rule them now you're not together. Only allow people into your life who care about you and accept you how you are

should be perfectly obvious, when I am creased with pain am not going to dig garden.

I think this is more about the fact that your ex didn’t really believe you are ill/as ill as you make out. There is definitely a difference between ‘can’t’ and ‘don’t want to’.

The problem comes where people think that with chronic illness, you can do it if you really try. If you think of this using spoon theory it might make more sense. (I’ll try to add a picture). If energy is viewed as units, there are some things that people with chronic pain/illness simply can’t do. Example - I was invited out last night. However I have bad pain. I am also back at work (Occ health think I’m fit ). I did not have enough spoons to go to work this week, then get showered and dressed up and do dinner out with people. You could say I didn’t want to, but the reality is I struggled to even get up the stairs to go to bed so I don’t believe I could have, as much as I wanted to.

The migraine analogy is another good one. There is no way I could work out at the gym if I had a migraine. I would probably be sick and possibly collapse because I can’t see straight with them. It wouldn’t matter how much I wanted to work out, I couldn’t. I would be physically unable. Other migraine sufferers would understand. People who have had a bad headache and worked out despite it might think it is a choice. I don’t think it is.

OP because chronic illness is awful. I think you are well-rid of this particular bloke.

From the other side of the coin, I'm visibly disabled in a wheelchair, and constantly being told I cant do things, that I can and want, to do.

There is a lot I can't do, so anything I can do, I choose to try and achieve.

I don't need assistance to do the things I'm talking about, just other people not to decide they don't like seeing that it's more difficult (but not impossible) or painful or undignified for me to do it.

(Conversely often when I state I actually physically can't do something - usually involving stairs or 'jump on the tube' to get somewhere - it's assumed I mean I don't want to, not that there's a physical barrier!)

I'm frequently excluded and marginalised as a result of other peoples usage of can't and want.

It's a daily issue, and what usually emerges is 'they' mean they don't want me to do something, so claim I can't.

I end up achieving many things of the disputed things at times when there's no one around to stop me, and am then described as 'naughty' for having quietly achieved what I want when it's been deemed that I can't.

I suspect people choose to interpret other's situations to suit their own agenda's.

Messed that's awful that you are described as naughty! By whom!?

My best friend uses a wheelchair and people often just move him places without asking. I've learned over the years it's respectful to always offer assistance (with him as we're so close) or with others wait to be asked, unless it's something polite I'd do for anyone like open a door. I find most people are more than ready to ask for help when they need it, as it's an everyday thing. To just help someone do something they were fine doing alone because you've made a presumption about their capabilities is really disabling and might be the final straw for somebody who's been prevented from functioning all day.

I worked in a school supporting a Deaf child. I wrote a report which outlined difficulties, classroom strategies etc. I wrote that X can’t take notes while the teacher is talking (and therefore would need a copy of notes from elsewhere). I was asked to rewrite as I had used negative language.
They wanted me to use ‘needs support’, or ‘has difficulties’ - both of which imply that with a bit of extra effort he could have managed the task.
Sometimes people can’t!

I'm with you OP. This would have driven me crazy. And, as pp's have said, whilst you can't police other people's language, you can expect the people who say they love you to hear what you're saying and make adjustments to their language. If they don't make the adjustments then I think it's fair to say that they don't believe what they're hearing or simply don't live you enough to make the effort.

Yes to being forcibly moved because I in the way. Apparently they can't ask me to move, like they would anyone else.

People demanding to help when unneeded is quietly irritating but a tolerable inconvenience.
I'm referring to people deciding what I can and cant do to meet what they do and don't want me to do. In other words these words can be used to control both ways round.

My university (some parts) and work are the big offenders in trying to prevent me doing things because they don't want me to under the auspices of 'Can't,' then calling me 'naughty' for achieving them.

I and those with chronic illness are small children who need others to decide on our real abilities and motivation.

Very few things are physically impossible.

Do you actually believe this? Have you really thought about it? Imagine the range of activities humans do, for work, for leisure, how many body movements, how much weight carried. You didn't even qualify it with a reference to the difficulties pain presents. Pain can drain you of energy with a speed you couldn't imagine unless you've experienced it, and leave you too exhausted to even get out of a chair.

It most definitely isn't true. I hope you never find out that it isn't true.

I recently watched a video of a girl with ME celebrating her birthday. She was lying down in bed and couldn't even lift her head to look at her birthday cake. Even with a DD with ME, it's so incredibly difficult to understand that she couldn't lift her head. Of course I believe her, but without any visible symptoms it's a leap of faith to do so. That's why I think that you have to have 100% trust in people who are suffering with this horrendous debilitating illness. If you don't have that, it says more about you and your relationship with that person.

Don't you think "can't" is even more disempowering?
Can't sounds so much more permanent, too.

With a condition like ME you manage it, make choices about your total budget of energy. On Tuesday, You can go watch one football match as your only activity of the day, or you can cook a meal and walk the dog & play cards with your kids. You don't want the footie match because it would leave you shattered to do anything else (& you don't even like footie, maybe), not that you absolutely can't do it.

I would rather "don't want" than "can't", because "don't want" implies I have some control over my situation & choices.

You can't always make choices. That's a fallacy. You don't have a predictable reserve of energy when you have a chronic illness. Pain levels are not predictable.

There are plenty of things I want to be doing right now. I want to be playing with my twins. I want to be taking them to the park. I want to be doing the cleaning that really needs to be done. But I CAN'T. I haven't had a choice in what activities I do today - my period has started early and I have no choice but to dose myself up with strong painkillers and lie down with a heat pad and try not to cry.

So if my husband came up to me now and said "so you don't want to go to the park then?" I would be mightily pissed off because he knows full well that I want to do it, but I can't. Him acknowledging this is not disempowering in any way.

It would be different if I were saying I want to do something feasible and he was saying "no, you know you can't do that". That's not what's being spoken about here though. This is about someone saying they can't do something and being told that really they just don't want to do it.

Rhoda - That's it - if something is going to exacerbate my symptoms, I am unlikely to 'want' to do it. I COULD hurl myself into a patch of stinging nettles, there's nothing physically stopping me doing that....except the knowledge that it will cause much pain and discomfort and the discomfort will not be momentary.

I would have felt more comfortable if he'd referenced my illness/es a bit more often when referring to things that may be difficult. Instead it was always me that had to refer to them. And I HATED that,. Because it always made me feel like I was 'making a fuss' or 'putting obstacles in the way'. Or like I was continually dragging my ill health to the fore.

Ironically, when someone demonstrates that they are aware that I have limitations and factor those in, I rarely have to mention my dodgy health!

Mehfruittea - Now, that's what really frustrates me. You say he "doesn't listen" to what you're trying to convey. I don't understand why, in a relationship, people don't make the effort to understand each other. In my opinion it's a lack of respect.

Yes, you're right, it DOES eat away at you over time an I think this was the straw and the camel moment, as he's done things like this so often. That's not to say he wasn't a great guy in many respects (I'm not defending him, but he was a decent man in so many ways)

I'm so sorry to hear you have three conditions to cope with - that's not fun

strugglingtodomybest - I love your username, that's pretty much what I found myself saying to him fairly often

I don't think it's too much to expect people who profess to love us to take the time to properly listen and respect what we say.

When we find ourselves making the same point time and time again, there's something seriously wrong....