To expect my word choices to be respected?

[BigbreastsBiggerbeard]

I have an illness that prevents me from doing a lot of things. I may WANT to do things, but I CAN'T.

Now, it seems fairly clear to me that the two are entirely different. It's down to ability, not desire.

AIBU to expect people to also understand the distinction and not continually say "but you don't want to do that". Or "but you won't do that", when the activities they are referring to are not possible due to my ill health?

I have just broken up with my partner, am very upset. But our communication was dreadful and this was one thing he did that used to upset me very much.

Whenever I tried to explain how there was quite a difference between 'can't' and 'won't', he refused to see it. He would become defensive about his choice of words. Essentially saying "it's the same thing". It really isn't.

I would be keen to know other people's opinion on this.

FlowerPot1234, I don't see any difference between saying "I can't go to the gym because of my migraine" and "I don't want to go to the gym because of my migraine".

The desire to go to the gym is there, what you really mean is if you didn't have the migraine, you would want to go.

I suppose it comes down to the philosophical question of whether you ever do something you don't want to do.

Really sorry but I'm really confused. I know I defiantly don't think YABU. I'm just trying to imagine a time when I would say 'you don't want to do that' meaning you can't do that.

Winebottle Sort of but not quite. The desire to go to the gym is there. I want to go. But I cannot exercise that want. Yes because of a migraine. So I can't. It is very subtle now you've responded with that line which I can see is very similar, but to really analyse it your sentence still feels that there is an ability to do something but I am merely choosing not to because of a migraine. When actually it's a step further - I can't. There's no choice involved (other than go and make it worse/throw up on others on the free weights/cause myself undue pain), which although objectively is a choice, is kind of rendered not a choice when the other option is so bad.

I think it's easier to make many can'ts into don't want tos,rather than the other way round.

, I don't see any difference between saying "I can't go to the gym because of my migraine" and "I don't want to go to the gym because of my migraine

One means that the migraine is making it impossible for me to go the gym. I actually cannot go whether I want to or not, no choice in the matter. The other means I don't want to go because of my migraine, implying that you could if you tried hard enough or wanted to more, but you choose not to.

The thing is that quite often people say they literally can't when they probably could but choose not to (not you, OP, just in general)

It might be the way he sees it, but he is wrong. He's been told why it's wrong and he won't accept that. It would be infuriating to be told you chose not to do something when the reality was that you were unable to do it.

FlowerPot1234 You've acknowledged that not going to the gym is a choice so what sets that apart from any other choice of whether to go or not?

I don't think the can't/don't want distinction should be about judging whether a excuse is a sufficient one. Ill health? That's a can't. Watching X factor? That's a don't want to. Objectively, there is no way of deciding whether a choice is rendered a non-choice. They are all choices.

There is definitely a feeling in English culture that we need to justify our choices so we use can't to take the choice out of our hands and not appear rude. "I can't afford to go" sounds better than "I'd rather spend my money on other things" but they amount to the same thing.

I cannot see well enough to read without my glasses.
I am not wearing my glasses.

You ask me to read out the ingreedients list of a recipe while you run round the kitchen gathering them.

I say “I can’t”. Because I can’t see to read without my glasses and I am not wearing my glasses.

Now, you can say “well put your specs on then!”.

At which point, I can put my specs on and read out your ingredients list.

Or I can leave my specs off.

If I leave my specs off, then you can assume that not only am I unable to read the ingredients list for you, but also that I don’t want to.

You cannot say that I don’t want to before that point, though.

There's a big difference between can't and won't and it's an important distinction to remember. Sometimes, saying can't when it's really won't can be a bit like... it's essentially putting yourself down saying something is out of your control, which it isn't always? For example someone with depression saying they can't get out of bed, it's important to phrase as 'won't' because it's a subtle way of reminding yourself you do have some control and leaving the bed is actually within your power. To keep saying 'can't' almost disables you and makes you feel helpless. Obviously there are some things you can't and some you won't... and I've had depression. I recognise fully it was an 'I won't' open curtains, not that I can't. Reframing that gave me the chance to think actually I do have some power here.

Your ex sounds like he was purposefully choosing his words to make a point, that he probably thought you could have done something if only you tried harder. It's a subtle way of getting the point across that he doesn't believe your assessment of what's possible or not. I'm guessing it came from a lot of frustration at the way your health affected you. He sounds like a bit of an ass for it tbh

Another interesting one is driving... people saying they can't drive when they've never tried to learn.

Depends on why you can’t though doesn’t it? If you’ve got no legs, you can’t go for a run regardless of how much you’d like to (assuming you don’t possess those Paralympic running blades, which most amputees will not).

If you’ve broken your ankle and are non-weightbearing, that’s also a “can’t” in my book (IWBVU to say “actually you could run, it would just be agonisingly painful and probably do permanent damage, so that’s a “want”).

If you’re a bit tired (but otherwise well, I’m not including fatigue from other illnesses here) and don’t feel up to it, it’s more of a want. But actually even if it really was just laziness, that doesn’t justify sarky comments from your ex-DP.

Just to clarify; I suffer from M.E. This means that my energy levels are low and some things are simply impossible. These may be things that I want to do, but do not have the energy to do.

I also suffer badly from anxiety, and as many people with anxiety will understand, however much it looks from the outside as if you "won't" - you genuinely "can't" as to do so would trigger a breakdown.

Winebottle

FlowerPot1234 You've acknowledged that not going to the gym is a choice

Well I didn't entirely. I said you could, and I suppose you would but I wouldn't, say that my not going to the gym because I have a migraine and I'd rather not throw up all over the gym or cause myself further excrutiating pain is a choice but similarly if I went to the gym I would physically not be able to do the workout I do there because I am physically rendered unable to do so this evening. Therefore I can't. Therefore most people would say "I can't" go to the gym as I have a migraine. My ability to do a workout has been taken away from me. My desire is still there. And it's bloomin' frustrating.

I do get where you are coming from on the wider issue. "Can't" is far too often used when in fact it's a "I don't want to". But in some situations, there really is a can't, and it seems the OP's post is one where her ex couldn't see the can't and could only see the won't.

YANBU to be pissed off. He's being accusing as you say and its not right. What a git.

Its really frustrating and rude I think, when someone cannot recognise the distinction once it is pointed out to them and change their words for something more appropriate.

I actually had a disagreement with someone today about this exact thing.

I'd already said I "couldn't because of XYZ good-reason-beyond-my-control" and it kept getting said back as "don't want" and they definitely were taking the attitude that I was the non-cooperative one.

Perhaps surprisingly (or not!) a lot of people do seem to have trouble with accepting limitations to do with health/ disability and I think sometimes this just reveal what they are thinking subconsciously rather than being habit. Its like they get annoyed that health-limited people spoil their fun or make their life difficult somehow, and just won't be solved easily - as if we aren't affected too!

I guess they are just pretty selfish people at the end of the day looking at you family member

but its also more common than I realised in wider society, or getting worse..

quercus - I'm sorry to hear about your experience. It's so exasperating when , as you say, someone refuses to acknowledge the distinction.

I suspect that my now ex was unconsciously revealing what he felt, i.e. that I choose to limit myself. Well, that's another reason why I shall be remaining single from no on. I'm so exhausted with having to justify, explain.

I hope you weren't left too distressed by the interaction with your family member - I guess there's only so much explaining you can do before your head explodes

From NOW on. Honestly, the distress has devastated my spelling ability....

YANBU. Totally different but when I was much younger I had some severe allergies. My aunt would ALWAYS say 'oh head, you don't like chocolate, do you, so you'll have broccoli instead'. It totally minimised the effect it had on my life (used chocolate as an example only!).

I think this is perhaps similar to a financial discussion where I say " I can't afford to spend £50 on that". What I mean is I choose not to spend my money on that because I need to spend it on something else.
In your case it's a case of choosing what to use your energy levels on. So you may say "I can't go out tonight" because you know that if you go out tonight you'll be unable to manage work tomorrow.

So in that case there is an element of right on both sides. He is right in that you are saying "I don't want to" because you know you must save your energy.
You are saying "I can't" because you know that you can't do both and the other thing is more important.

I suspect the issue is that he doesn't recognise that doing one thing means you can't do the other. He sees you manage to go and do a similar thing at your choosing, perhaps because you don't need to go in for work tomorrow, and then because of that thinks you are using it as an excuse because you managed it when you "wanted to".

Some people don't believe you!
I have anxiety. Some days I can do things. Some things I can't do. It varies.
I have a very bad back. I can't run. I have tried. It ends badly. My surgeon confirms it is not something I can do. People never question that.
But when my anxiety prevents me? I think many people believe I "could" do things if I REALLY wanted to.
They're the same ones who think I should just pull myself together and I don't work because I'm a lazy cow who CBA.
Sorry OP. It sucks.

You're disagreeing over 2 different meaning of won't (will not.)

In your eyes, it's negative intent, translating won't as 'don't want to'.

In his it's won't as the future negative of 'to be'. Eg It will rain/it won't rain. In this meaning, won't is future negative and conveys no message of intent.

Both meanings and interpretations are valid.

Wolfiefan - yes, that's exactly it. And it doesn't help that I 'look' normal. So nothing to suggest to the outside world that there's anything wrong with me.

I often said to my ex (still makes me sad referring to him as that) that if I was in a wheelchair and therefore couldn't, for example, negotiate a flight of stairs, he wouldn't say "but you won't take the stairs, will you?" rather than "But you can't take the stairs, can you?" That would be ridiculous.

It would be obvious that the stairs were impossible, and therein lies the problem. If it's not visible, it's not real. He would be perfectly capable and willing to make the distinction in that scenario, but not in others.

Bugger it. Can't be arsed thinking about it anymore. I cried so much yesterday that the lines on my forehead won't iron out. Distress at 48 years old is doubly distressing

Bugger them! Bugger them all!
We shall do what we can when we want and we won't let 'em get us down!
I know. Easier said than done. Some days are much harder than others. Enjoy the good ones and don't beat yourself up when you can't. It's not a choice. Wish it were.

But, Kanye, if he says “but you didn’t want to do that, did you?” then he’s not using ‘won’t’ at all, is he?

I don’t think I understand your point, but it is 2am.....

My dad says, "You don't want to do that..!" when he thinks something is not a good idea.

Is this him?

YANBU OP. My e'd was the same and it's also part of the reason he's an ex.

It's dismissive and ableist language. I bet he's one of those people that believes those "The only disability is a bad attitude" memes. Fuck. That.

There are plenty of things I can't do. Or I could do but they would cause me harm/pain/further illness/transplant rejection so my consultants have told me not to do them. To my mind, being medically advised not to do something, or not doing something because it would needlessly make you more unwell is synonymous with "can't".

Example: I'd love to go swimming, but the infection risk is too great for me. It's not a case of "don't want to" - I DO want to, I am physically capable of it, but it carries too high of a risk for me so my consultant has said I can't do it. Therefore when I have to refuse a trip to the pool I say "I can't do that." Sometimes I quantify it's on medical orders, sometimes not.

My marriage is hardly worthy of a ticker-tape parade. But if I said to DH that a certain word or phrase made me feel unnecessarily bad or sad, he’d stop. Whether he agreed ‘intellectually’ or not.

Admittedly, it’d take 2-3 repeats for him to get it, but he fundamentally recognizes that we both have our idiosyncrasies and I support his.

Some basic tit for tat seems beyond your ex’s capacities. Whatever the topic.

The modality of verbs (and semi-modals) is still debated by linguistics and far from simple.

You're entitled to your views but policing semantics and phrases like "respect my word choice" do you no favours.