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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my sisters (im so done)

71 replies

mammabear27 · 26/10/2017 10:40

ok so all my life my sister have been a nightmare, they were always ganging up on me and just making me feel very uncomfortable in my own skin, ok so fast forward to now, my mom made us have a family meeting to clear the air and try and get things back on track for her sake (fine id do anything for my mom) anyway this meeting ended in me getting hit from both my sisters leaving me with bruises, anything i was saying wasn't good enough i could stand on my head and it wouldn't be enough for them!
Im nearly 30 and have my own little family i have an amazing partner who would do anything for me (my sisters do'nt like him mainly because he stands up for me) and I have a young child who has additional needs so my life is busy, but we are very happy.
is it wrong that i no longer what my sisters in my life? I don't want them to play any part in my upcoming wedding either ( as I feel they will just try and ruin my special day)
i really need the advise! sorry for the long post

OP posts:

rightknockered · 26/10/2017 11:34

If as a parent you stand back and allow one child be bullied by it's siblings, you are making a choice that it is acceptable for that one child to suffer.
Have you spoken to your mother about it all?

Original poster

mammabear27 · 26/10/2017 11:37

wow, I'm shocked with all the responses. I do think it will be best for me to walk away and focus on my own family as they are my entire world.

My mom worked when we were little so she didn't really see everything going on, I don't blame her she was supporting us financially she had no choice (my sister throw this in her face all the time but I understand the situation she was put in)

I just think shes been put in a tight spot and doesn't want to loose contact with my sisters. I won't be joining the Christmas Dinners this year tho!

OP posts:

DJBaggySmalls · 26/10/2017 11:43

You sound way more mature than your sisters. I think your Mum wants a happy family but doesnt know how to make it happen, and your sisters are too addicted to drama.
Can you cut contact with your sisters, and put boundaries in place with your Mum? Would she accept why you want to see her and not them, now she's seen you get punched?

Caprinihahahaha · 26/10/2017 11:44

It's completely understandable that you want to think the best of your mother and to find reasons to excuse her behaviour but honestly, she's partly responsible for this. And she's spineless in letting your sisters attack you because she won't stand up to them.

theEagleIsLost · 26/10/2017 11:48

I actually think she made the situation worse with the family meeting a recipe for unnecessary drama.

I was hit as an adult in front of my parents by brother - I think they saw it as a squabble amongst their kids while I saw it very much as an unprovoked assault by an adult male - though I never reported it.

I moved away and been LC since - he did come to our wedding as it was many years later and less drama to invite and behaved well. I've had no direct contact for years - never really been made an issue by rest of family - though I suspect distance and lack of family events help there.

MissionItsPossible · 26/10/2017 11:55

Why is your mother expecting you 'to be friends again' when all your life they have been horrible to you and ganging up on you? They hit you so hard they left bruises? I would not stand for that. I can appreciate that you wouldn't want to go to the police for her sake but I would absolutely cut them out of my life. YANBU.

GabsAlot · 26/10/2017 11:55

so thyv always abused you and noone has done anything about it

ive had issues with my sister but never violent that would be the end for me

DPotter · 26/10/2017 11:56

I agree with others - your mum does not have your best interests at heart. She’s hanging on to the image / dream of an ideal family which, for whatever reason just doesn’t exist. She wants all her girls to get along and she therefore needs you to put up with being abused to facilitate her dream. I don’t doubt she loves you, but that love doesn’t see the real situation between you and your sisters.You could try talking to your mum - now she has seen the relationship ‘in action’- and say this is why you can’t continue as before, but from the sound of it I don’t feel optimistic she will really understand and both back you and challenge your sisters.

If the bruises are still there, I would seriously reconsider reporting to the police - for the sake of your children and your own sake. Physical Fighting between siblings as children is one thing (not acceptable, but understandable for kids under 8 or so), but a line is crossed when there’s physical abuse between adults and you should not tolerate it. I think your partner is spot on - listen to him.
I would totally support going nc with your sisters and lo c with your mum, and that means not inviting the sisters to your wedding. Sad - yes but the right thing to do. You may need additional support from someone like a counsellor or support group as your mum will continue to try to paper over cracks.

Original poster

mammabear27 · 26/10/2017 12:04

thank you all so much for your advise,
I do think my sister don't want to see me happy and throughout the years if I miss occasions because I'm unwell they go around telling people its just depression or anxiety which is very untrue I suffer with an auto immune disease which does leave me very unwell at times, my partner couldn't ever understand why they would never visit me when I was in hospital as when they are ill I'd visit and bring presents.

OP posts:

MissionItsPossible · 26/10/2017 12:07

You sound like a kind and caring person but I think enough is enough with them now mamma. Why bring presents and visit ill people who are just plain nasty and cruel to you?

Ausparent · 26/10/2017 12:11

www.theminimalists.com/relationships/

I would really recommend reading this essay on relationships. Just because someone is related to you, that doesn't earn them a place in your life.

My mum is always really concerned about us getting on. Her biggest fear is that she will die one day and her kids will drift apart. I ha e to accept that this is her thing not mine and whilst I have never been unkind or spiteful to my siblings, I take a step back when I need to.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 26/10/2017 12:19

I still have contact with a violent sister who verbally put me down all the time and they were invited to our wedding ( though they nearly wernt) however, it took me a long time to realise it I was putting up with too much , with the support of my new partner, and posting on here myself, made me realise that I needed to draw our own line in the sand and limit contact. I knew that my sister wasn't going to do anything to our spoil wedding, but You're pretty sure they will, so I would ban them, if your mum can't understand I would tell her she is welcome to stay away too. Also send a message that any future violence will be reported to the police. Obviously block them on all social media. The hardest job is getting them out out your head, best of luck.

ptumbi · 26/10/2017 12:48

she therefore needs you to put up with being abused to facilitate her dream. - totally. And it is easier/easiest to blame you, get you, the meek one, the appeaser, the target, to put up with it,than to address the bullies and get them to change.

I really don't think your mum does 'have your back' - she just wants the easy option, the path of least drama, the quiet life. And that means leaving your sisters to do what they've always done (because she's not been there to stop them) and to stop them now, well that would mean work, and drama, and her stepping into the firing line...

Leaving it lie, with you being the scapegoat and target and victim, is easier for her.

MissionItsPossible · 26/10/2017 18:13

Initially reading ptumbi's reply I was going to say it was harsh but reading it over a couple of times, they are absolutely right (going by the information in your post).

Original poster

mammabear27 · 28/10/2017 13:08

So my mom thinks maybe we should all just sort it out maybe I should apologize because “I know what they are like” I’ve done nothing wrong other than tell them the truth and decide I’m to old for their drama!

OP posts:

SouthWindsWesterly · 28/10/2017 13:16

Nah. Sod that for a lark. You don’t need abuse either emotional or physical in your life. Don’t apologise. They hit you. It’s rheir turn to say sorry and thank their lucky stars that you haven’t gone to the police.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 28/10/2017 13:27

I'm sorry but your mum is really not helping

She is minimising what you sisters did. They physically hit you.

But she's working on you to apologise as she knows she hasn't got a hope in hell of getting them to apologise

I don't think you can trust her to do the right thing by you. I know you said she has your best interests at heart but I think this proves she doesn't

Me I'd back the fuck off. You have your own lovely family and an oh who backs you. If you mum wants to accept your sisters behaviour as fine then leave them all to it.

Take care

LakieLady · 28/10/2017 13:27

YANBU. They are toxic bullies and don't deserve a sister as nice as you.

ptumbi · 28/10/2017 13:32

Yes I get the 'you know what she's like' and 'it's just what she says, it's just how she is'....

And I say that I don't want someone like that in my life, I don't care that she is my sister. If it was anyone else, in the street or work, I'd have no problem cutting them out - why not her?

Your mum is doing the same as mine- guilting you into just Shutting TFU! 'Just take it, they are just like that'. It's the easiest course - for her.

I have been NC for 10 years or so, I refuse to apologise. I have done nothing wrong, and I am NOT the baddy in this. Neither are you. Concentrate on the family that love you (and show it) and cut out the ones who don't.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 28/10/2017 13:35

Hit you? They HIT you?!

I would go NC from this moment on. You cannot have a normal family relationship with people who resort to physical violence (or verbal, or financial, or emotional or any other type of violence for that matter.).

And if I was in your shoes, I would report it to the police.

CraftyYankee · 28/10/2017 13:37

She wants YOU to apologize to THEM? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Tell her in no uncertain terms that it will not happen.

Cut them out of your life completely, they add nothing good and a lot bad. Dial back contact with your mother. In fact, if she values them so highly, maybe suggest she asks them to take her to the dr. Stop sacrificing your time and energy for people who clearly don't care about you.

Willow2017 · 28/10/2017 13:43

NC no apology no discussion they are vile.

You could have had them done for assault. They acted like immature teenagers.

Do not get drawn into any discussion on this. Be there for your mum but shut down any conversation about your sisters. Tell her you refuse to acknowledge them from now on. You and your family come first.

Do not feel sorry they brought this on themselves. 30 years is way too long to put up with that shit from anyone.

PovertyPain · 28/10/2017 13:44

Your mum has HER best interests at heart, op. She wants you to be a good doggie and roll over while these two fucks can do what they want. If you stick around, you can take their crap. If you go NC' she knows that she will have to deal with their shit. She's protecting herself. Are you going to let your child see their mum put up with this shit? Are you going to make your dh to have to have these wankers in his life and watch his DW suffering from their abuse? Please get these creatures out of your life.

Chestnut24 · 28/10/2017 13:47

Please go to the police and then cut them out for good. You have a whole, positive life ahead of you and they have no place in it. Xx

Juicyfruitloop · 28/10/2017 13:47

YANBU. You gave your partner and your child. Definitely blank the negative violent ass's from your life. How dare they.

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