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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed DH has taken himself of to the pictures today?

67 replies

Scoobyloo11 · 25/10/2017 13:57

Context - he has 3-4 hours to himself each day (works from home).

He fills this time with his own hobbies (or the flicks).

He makes evening meals - but nothing that involves say chopping an onion - max 15 mins in the kitchen... And the ironing pile seems to be invisible to him.

I work FT - at home one day a week when I cook, usually something like spag bol, cottage pie etc.

DH thinks I'm jealous.

We haven't been to the cinema since about May...

OP posts:

nickEcave · 27/10/2017 12:23

How would he react if you sat down and told him that he now has far more down time than you as a result in the change of work circumstances and he needs to take on more of the household stuff as a result? For me the bottom line is that me and DH have roughly equal amounts of leisure time. I work 4 days a week and on my day at home I often go to the cinema or meet a friend for coffee but that day is also my day for batch cooking and cleaning the kitchen and bathroom so if I don't do them that day I do them in the evening when my DH is relaxing.

NameChangr678 · 27/10/2017 12:26

He just sounds like an introvert and clearly needs more space than you. I love going to the cinema alone.

Butterymuffin · 27/10/2017 12:29

Amazing how often men 'need more space' = things are set up so they get it, whereas women 'need more space' = too bad love, this is being a parent for you, you knew what you were getting into, etc etc...

Butterymuffin · 27/10/2017 12:33

Do what allthebest says about the ironing. Just leave his. When he notices/says anything, then you can say 'you've got so much more time free now - are you saying you don't have time to do it?' Then he either has to say 'but shitwork like that's your job..' (reply: not any more, buster) or 'but I didn't have time after all my cinema going, gym visits and sitting around eating bonbons' (reply: well, you'll know to make time next week, won't you? )

Original poster

Scoobyloo11 · 27/10/2017 12:37

Allthebestnamesareused - I've left the ironing this time. He has some shirts that have been there for over 3 weeks. There are now some things of mine there too - so am going to do those and the kids' school shirts at the wknd.

But he just leaves them there!!

NameChangr678 - plenty of scope for him to cook/iron/clean on his own if he wants time to himself!!

And if time on his own is what he REALLY wants, well I might just have a suggestion for him...

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 27/10/2017 12:40

The key thing is that even though he is working fewer hours than you he is still assuming that the shitwork is your responsibility because He Has A Penis.

QuietNinjaTardis · 27/10/2017 12:44

I would say that if he has time to go to the cinema then he has time to iron his own shirts. Don't do them. And if when he whinges tell him that instead of going to the cinema he can iron his shirts. Wash his clothes.
But tbh I'd probably ltb cos he sounds like an utter twat.

Dashper · 27/10/2017 12:54

Unfortunately some people need things pointing out to them. DH was working from home for months before I finally snapped and said he needs to help with his child first thing on days that I work too. We have agreed tasks for him now. Annoying but it worked.

Cookingongas · 27/10/2017 15:43

Yanbu. I detest how normal wife work work still is. You are carrying all the burden- even leaving him a list of hires as some have suggested is leaving you with the mental load, you are the owner of the chores.

Dozer · 27/10/2017 15:49

“it's important to do things you enjoy”. Important for HIM, he means: his actions make things more difficult for you and the DC.

He clearly considers his own wishes and time important, and not yours. You also mention him being rude and dismissive towards you, and sulking then denying it. At best he doesn’t respect you.

Original poster

Scoobyloo11 · 27/10/2017 16:12

Agree Dozer.

And DCs just called me at work and said he'd insisted in taking along to his writing group this morning. It's not a course or anything, they just meet up every couple of weeks. We - I - tried to get childcare but no one was free for the whole time.

And he made them sit there (with screens I think) for close on 3 HOURS.

AIBU about this being selfish too?? DCs mentioned it in passing - wasn't the reason for them ringing, so should I just think this is the kind of thing kids have to suck up sometimes??

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 27/10/2017 16:16

If it's a real necessity, yes. But I wouldn't see it as one. I would be annoyed that in a school holiday week he couldn't give it a miss just once to do something with them. But it sounds like he never feels he has to do that, right?

ReanimatedSGB · 27/10/2017 16:23

I bet this cock has put himself first throughout your relationship - it's just that it's only really showing now he is working fewer hours.

Original poster

Scoobyloo11 · 27/10/2017 16:27

Right. So I'm not surprised but there's clearly no point bringing it up. Had someone who could do 2 hours, but that wasn't enough. Apparently.

Really could start a new AIBU every day - but the big picture gets lost in all these smaller incidents.

How do I get across the core issues - which are basically around respect for me and DCs (in terms of how he spends his time and how I don't feel listened to) in the least martyr-ish/emotional way?

OP posts:

Dozer · 27/10/2017 18:19

You can’t get it across: the problem is he’s a selfish dick.

His writers’ group isn’t an example of a time where DC should be expected to “fit in” IMO, especially not at half term. The others probably thought he was a twat.

Original poster

Scoobyloo11 · 27/10/2017 18:42

Fear that's true Dozer. I actually spoke to a couple of (male) friends about this earlier - haven't really said anything IRL before.

And they thought he was being twattish too.

OP posts:

Cookingongas · 27/10/2017 18:54

All of these little incidents - step back and they make up the tapestry that is the big picture. A reasonable chat would work if he cares enough to want change and has mindlessly and accidentally fallen into this selfishness. But if that’s not the case....

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