To be annoyed DH has taken himself of to the pictures today?

[Scoobyloo11]

Context - he has 3-4 hours to himself each day (works from home).

He fills this time with his own hobbies (or the flicks).

He makes evening meals - but nothing that involves say chopping an onion - max 15 mins in the kitchen... And the ironing pile seems to be invisible to him.

I work FT - at home one day a week when I cook, usually something like spag bol, cottage pie etc.

DH thinks I'm jealous.

We haven't been to the cinema since about May...

Are the Dcs off school today?

Who's got them or are they old enough to be left?

Oh sorry, from over seeing bath time, dcs are clearly little still! So where are they when he's off to the cinema ? Or are they not on half term?

Could he up his hours easily?

I'd be fucking livid if my husband pulled this shit. He's welcome to do what he wants with his free time but if there's stuff that needs to be done at home it's not free time in my opinion. Free time is what you have after all the essential stuff is done and that includes housework, laundry etc. I can't just decide to piss off out for a few hours and hope the babies' bottles magically make themselves or that the laundry magically sorts itself out.

It's not free time it just shows he values your time less than his own.

Tell him you're giving up work to be a SAHM.

If he thinks he does enough maybe you need to sit down and work out how much you both do - including household tasks, work and commuting - then divide tasks equally.

If he refuses that then maybe stop doing anything for him, stop ironing his clothes, making him tea and go out to the cinema/gym/hobbies on your own when you can.

Hmm hard to say. I work 16 hours a week and DH works about 60. I do everything around the house etc though (cleaning, shopping, washing, finances, helping kids with homework). I have two days off a week and mainly get stuff done at home but I've been to the cinema a few times to see things DH wouldn't like. We haven't been to the cinema together for ages but only because nothing has been on! If DH was pissed off that I went to the cinema I'd be really annoyed.

I think cinema should come after cleaning ironing& making food. However he does seem to have a great schedule giving lots of work free time. I do think you sound jealous of his arrangements but the division of the household tasks are unfair as it stands.
What would happen if you stopped making his food and washing & ironing?

So he thinks that he deserves to do nice things with his time but you don't, you have to work harder than him?

Fuck that. If he wants to be single then let him make it official.

Does he earn good money (same as you, or more) with all this, or are you the main breadwinner, too?

He sounds quite complacent.

Did you actually make dinner last Friday? I would have made some toast for myself and not gone ahead and cooked.

I think it is OK in a working household to rely on very simple, cooking-lite weekday dinners.

Does he do any cleaning?

Lazy selfish sod who thinks that doing his share of the domestic work will make his cock fall off, by the sound of it.
Add up his contributions to your life, along with your own. Generally speaking both partners should have the same amount of a) leisure time and b) disposable income. So the adult who works fewer waged hours does more domestic work, and that's not unfair - but the one who works longer hours doesn't get to do nothing with the DC or cooking or cleaning. If one adult is both a high earner and also obliged to work very long hours to bring in this much money, that adult pays for a cleaner and/or nanny rather than designating the other adult the house servant.

But it sounds as though your H does less waged work in terms of hours, brings in less money and does less domestic work than you. How come he's the pampered ruler? Is he that good a shag? Is that his contribution?

Until a few months ago we both commuted, though I was home a little more.

In those days I would do at least 2 'big cooks' a week so the DCs could have leftovers for their tea when I wasn't there.

Because of our hours we had a childminder some days - she still does a bit (partly because the DCs like her and also the idea was she can look after them when DH needs to work). That's who had DCs today.

They are 8 & 10. I go up at bedtime partly to chivvy them along but also because they like chatting to me then, especially if I've been at work all day.

Ah, so the overall household system dates from when you were both commuting, and he has just taken advantage of a change that benefits him without picking up any extra shitwork.

Think carefully about what you do that benefits him, and pull back from that.

Campervamp - the ridiculous thing (maybe from both sides) was it was actually 2 ready meals that night!!

So it was really about which of us caved.

It was me. And I did both. Should have just done mine, shouldn't I??

Scoobyloo11 I love your posts.

You seem well balanced and lovely. Can I ask two things though. Treat these questions as if they are unconnected. Different things.

1. What is the problem?

1. What do you want in life - set out your dream in words please?

That's very sweet Be3A12S16O18 (great name...)

My problem boils down to how DH uses his time - and what I feel it says about how he values mine.

And my dream is to have one of those relationships where this problem doesn't exist.... one which is equal and supportive.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable so
I'm on here to try to get a sense of if I am. Or if he is...

Thought of something else I want...

At work, colleagues listen to me. We discuss things. Sometimes they agree with me, other times not.

But they don't just tell me I'm being ridiculous. Or plain wrong. DH does.

Eg - the other day we were going somewhere with the kids. He'd agreed to go, but for the first half of the journey he moaned about how far it was/if they would like it (they did) etc etc.

Later , when I said he'd been incredibly grumpy, he just said 'no I wasn't '. ..

So I end up completely doubting myself.

This is really wrong op. I have to say I couldn't put up with this at all.

I think I would go out myself at weekends and leave him to it. Don't iron or cook for him. I had to do this for a short while when I married dh (he kept boasting that he landed on his feet with me- I tended to do absolutely everything while he went off for a jog- now we have DC he is great)

It is very disrespectful of him to say you are ridiculous.

That is nearly worse than not doing anything in the first place.

Again, what does this man bring to the family? Most of the money? Most of the childcare? Most of the happiness, by his sheer presence?

Doesn't sound like any of the above. Also, what brought about this change in his working hours? Did he get sacked/made redundant? Or did he decide to go self-employed? Whatever the circumstances, is the work he does bringing in enough income? If he's set up his own business and it's in the early stages, is it likely to bring in a decent income? (If it's writing of any kind, the answer is very, very likely to be 'no', whatever he thinks.)

We are both employed by the same company. It just happens that he has taken on a role where he can work from home. He's definitely going to be doing it for another few months.

ReanimatedSGB - you are quite right. I don't feel like he brings much to the party for the rest of us. Unsurprisingly, he's quite happy with his situation!!

I could come up with a string of AIBUs - though MN probably has a limit! But because DH always tells me I'm wrong/exaggerating I have lost my sense of what is reasonable.

Trying to be fair to him, he is more active with the kids than me; he does do dinners when he's there; he's the driver in the house.... That is about it...

wobblywonderwoman - I don't know what to do when he point blank tells me I'm wrong. If I did decide to LTB - he's more than likely to insist there's nothing wrong and stay put!!!

It actually sounds as though the main problem is that this man has little or no respect for you. He sees himself as the 'person' in the household and you as just another appliance. Therefore he will arrange his time as he sees fit, to benefit him, and will only oblige you (or the DC) if it doesn't conflict with what he wants to do. And any objection or criticism from you is a sign that you don't know your place and are 'malfunctioning'.

Sounds about right reanimatedSGB*.

So what to do? Can he be fixed - or is he a defective model??

You keep a task list. Log everything you do, ask him to do the same and compare after two weeks.

If that doesn't work, marriage counselling.

It's difficult to 'fix' a relationship with a man who has a very deep-rooted belief that women are inferior to men and exist for men's benefit. The fact that your H not only skives off his share of domestic work, and plans his time to allow himself leisure no matter how it affects the rest of you, and, most of all, the fact that he shuts down discussion with you and suggests that you are wrong/mad (ie you don't know your place) means it's probably going to be difficult for you.

RhiWrites - I suggested that the other day after our last row about this. And then in the next 5 minutes I carried on sorting out laundry, tidying up some dishes, moving some tat the DCs had left around... and thought blimey, this list will take a while! But yes, it is a good idea since otherwise it's just he says/she says.

Today's joy - which I can look forward to when I get home from work...

He was in bed first last night - I was with oldest DC who has a bit of bug and had woken up. When I got in to bed I looked at my phone for a fee minutes (on night setting).

He complained about the light so I switched it off, but then DC got up for the loo again and bumbled around a bit. So he swore - and took himself off to the spare room.

I've heard (not from him) he made a mistake in his work this morning that the boss saw.

Betcha it'll be my fault.

One of the things you mentioned he ignores is the ironng so you do it.

Just do your and the kids and leave his until he realises his is being left and then he can do his own.

Start off with telling him what you'd like done by the time you get home. I know this goes against the grain of he should know/notice etc. However treat it like training a puppy.

Leave him a list each day until he no longer needs the list and knows that is what is expected.

The problem is I am like you and get fed up with things being undone so do them. You have to be strict with yourself and not cave!