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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should we ask FIL to give his Inheritance to us?

70 replies

Tatteredlace · 25/10/2017 13:40

Long one but here goes.

DH's Mum and Dad has their house repossessed, lots of issues surrounding alcohol etc. We only found out the day before the eviction happened and on the day FIL stole MIL's car and left her in the street. MIL went to stay with Family and they never spoke after that.

DH and I married around a year after that and FIL didn't turn up to our wedding, even though he spoke to DH that morning and everything was fine, and DH refused to speak to him after that.

A year later MIL died unexpectedly. She had got quite a substantial amount of money from the sale of the house and she had got her life back on track after leaving FIL. They were still married so FIL ended up getting all of MIL's money, after promising to give the money to the 3 children he changed his mind and kept it.

A year later we had our first baby, he wasn't interested in meeting the baby. His other Son got married and he didn't turn up to that wedding either.

FIL's Dad passed away a few years later, he never turned up to his funeral. Heir Hunters have tracked him down so he can claim his VERY substantial inheritance. FIL's Sister has said we should write to him to ask for MIL's money back now he has loads of money. She said that their Father had intended to change his will and leave FIL's share to his children instead of him, but he was too frail to.

AIBU to write and ask for him to give the money owed to his children and 5 grandchildren he has never met?

OP posts:

Original poster

Tatteredlace · 25/10/2017 15:34

Substantial for us but realistically only in the tens of thousands. They were both given half of what was left.

She had about 25k when she died so it all went to him. He is getting 4-5 times that.

OP posts:

diddl · 25/10/2017 15:36

"its DH's Father and he still has some slim hope that his Dad might come through for him."

Oh dear.

If he wanted to give you money he would have done by now.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/10/2017 15:44

I agree that hope is the killer.

He had a chance to give you money, he said he would and then reneged. There is not a chance in hell he would give you any now.

Whether getting either ignored or a straight "no" from his father would help your DH begin to process and come to terms with the fact that this man will never be the father DH wants him to be, is another matter. If it might then it may be worth doing for that reason, but not with any real expectation that he will actually step up and do the right thing.

FlowerPot1234 · 25/10/2017 15:44

MIL's money back now he..
ask for him to give the money owed to his children

Where are the give money back or money owed bits from?

What is actually owed?
Who has taken money and needs to give it back?
I didn't see either in the original post.

EvilRinguBitch · 25/10/2017 15:47

I reckon if there’s a 1% chance that a letter written now will net you fifty grand then it’s worth a go - alcoholics are unpredictable and ink is cheap. Or you could wait for him to die?

But the moral of this story is that if you leave a disastrous marriage then do not hang about, do not put it off. MAKE A WILL! Otherwise you could fall under a bus tomorrow and people will be saying “well if she’d really wanted to provide for the people she claimed to love rather than her abusive ex then she’d have done something about it - it was obviously her choice and she must have had her reasons”.

Original poster

Tatteredlace · 25/10/2017 15:48

FlowerPot1234 I get your point. Nothing is owed and nothing was taken. Thank you.

OP posts:

Patchouli666 · 25/10/2017 15:49

He can't turn up for the births deaths and marriages which will cost him nothing but time. He is a selfish bastard. I'd let it lie and hope either for karma or he forgets about stuff and it's left to his children eventually anyway. If you make him aware that you know about it or try and use it as a way to get him involved again, I can only see him reverting to form and being even more of a bastard. Sorry my own father was like this xx

nosleepforme · 25/10/2017 15:53

he sounds very unreasonable and horrible!
although i do have to also say that while in reality, most would agree that he should give the money over and it is the decent and moral thing to do, at the end of the day, MIL did not write a will or protect herself, so he gets the money. he's a right old arse for not being a good man and understanding that the money was not meant for him, but it's too bad.
i think yabu to write a letter, the money is legally HIS! he can do what he wants with it, and he clearly does not want to give it away.
yes, it would be nice to get the money, but that would mean you receiving a GIFT from him.

LadyRosalieBeauchamp · 25/10/2017 15:58

don't embarrass yourself or lower yourself to his level by asking

just5morepeas · 25/10/2017 16:00

I don't think you're unreasonable to ask - though it should be your dh or fil's sister who asks - but I think you're very unlikely to get anything from him.

I'd weigh up the likelihood of him acting decently with how much pain it might cause my dh.

Graceflorrick · 25/10/2017 16:01

OP, it seems unlikely that writing to him will have any impact. Can you seek legal advice? I think it’s the only way you’d be likely to have he money back.

Original poster

Tatteredlace · 25/10/2017 16:03

I get what everyone is saying and thanks for the advice and suggestions. I am going to suggest that DH not write a letter. FIL is a complete arsehole and he has had every opportunity to be apart of his Families lives and he has chosen not to do that.

He would never give his children any money and he clearly doesn't want to follow in his own Fathers footsteps and at least give his kids a chance in life.

Karma is a bitch. People should write wills. If you leave your spouse, then protect your shit.

Thanks Mumsnet x

OP posts:

ButchyRestingFace · 25/10/2017 16:03

She had about 25k when she died so it all went to him. He is getting 4-5 times that.

I thought you were talking millions.

He’ll piss his way through that figure in two shakes of a dead lamb’s eye.

Original poster

Tatteredlace · 25/10/2017 16:08

ButchyRestingFace He will drink it in a week and his GF will probably help him.

OP posts:

Sweetpea55 · 25/10/2017 16:14

As horrible as this may sound,,,and Iv got my tin hat on here,,If he has loads and loads of money,,he may end up not leaving a will,,in which case DH and any siblings will get it then,...eventually.

But he hasn't bothered with you all so far,,not even with grandchildren which is really heartless..so I doubt if a letter will do anything,

diddl · 25/10/2017 16:14

So was your FIl's sister left anything from her father's will as well as FIL?

There is alosy always someone who says "well, they intended to do x,y,z"

Just causes trouble & resentment.

Why didn't she help her dad change his will if he wanted to?

I'm sure a lot of parents just divide equally between their kids.

There's always one thinks that they should have got more/one deserves less or nothing.

Ausparent · 25/10/2017 16:15

Honestly? Don't do it. Walk away and forget about it.

All there is down this road is pain and frustration for your DH.
Legally, it isn't inheritance, it is your FIL's money, whether you feel it belongs to him morally or not.

Having proven time and time again that he is not focused on his family, you are just setting up your DH for another opportunity to be disappointed in his dad and it sounds like he has had enough of that in his life.

Write off the money, let it go and if one day he changes his ways then it will be wonderful. If not, you have not lost any time on it and will have spent that time living a happy life.

Original poster

Tatteredlace · 25/10/2017 16:17

diddl She did try to help her Father change it but because he was very poorly by this stage he wasn't seen as fit to make any changes

OP posts:

RatRolyPoly · 25/10/2017 16:18

Don't bother asking, just hope he carks it before he's spent it all.

diddl · 25/10/2017 16:18

Ah, sorry

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