To think this is not for me

[alltheseasonsgosofast]

Our baby is nearly 9 months.

I feel awful saying this but I'm not enjoying being a parent at all.

Will this ever pass?

I'm another one who suddenly enjoyed parenthood a lot more once I went back to work. I know that's not an option for everyone though.

I think if more mothers admitted how hard they found it, birth rates would fall massively.

I feel your pain alltheseasons. I was a single parent to twins and while I loved and felt protective towards my DTs, I didn't have PND or anything, and there were many 'special moments' which I cherished, my over-riding feeling of the first 18 months was that it was simply bloody hard work! I resented the feeling that my identity was subsumed my motherhood, I resented the fact that I couldn't even go out to get milk without planing a major expedition, I resented the loss of spontaneity, the absence of a social life, the sleep deprivation (not because they were bad sleepers so much, but because looking after small children requires so much it leaves little time to do anything else and sleep has to go).

The only thing I can say to you is that it DOES get easier. 18 months was a turning point for me, but they got a lot easier after 12 months TBH. Things I found that helped was adopting a routine (made me more efficient and gave me back a few hours a day, plus the DTs thrived under it and became easier to manage), and forward-planning (e.g. meal plans, working out what you need to get if you're popping out for something so that you only need to do one trip, etc).

What support network do you have? Is your OH helpful? Family? It's vital you see other adults who you can lean on. You're an individual, not just a mother, and your needs need meeting too.

I quite liked the baby stage. The trick is to use this time to take more care of yourself. For example, I found it a lot easier to exercise or do some yoga while the baby played on its playmat a few feet away. This became a lot harder to achieve when the child could walk around.

Babies just love being with you. You don't have to focus entirely on its entertainment or social skills. What would you like to do? Read a book? Do it. Watch a TV show? Do it. Walk around H&M? Do that. Take care of your needs first. The baby itself will not entertain you and will be boring, so seek out other entertainments. Babies are boring, but all the other things you could be doing are not. You are not doing anything wrong by doing something else that isn't 'the baby'. Put the guilt aside.

When I had my first, leaving the house seemed hard, but when I had my second I did it without thinking. I had to take my eldest to the doctor about 14 hours after giving birth, so off we went. They're a lot easier at the baby stage than they seem. Chuck a nappy and a change mat in the pushchair and head on out. What's the worst that can happen? A cry or a nappy change. And you can handle both.

I forced myself to go out daily, when mine were tiny. I would deliberately only buy one day's worth of food, so I had to make at least one trip to the shops a day. My eldest is nine now and I still enjoy this routine.

Try to make a list of things you would enjoy doing, and then start doing them. The baby will be fine regardless, and perhaps more than fine as you will be happier.

Give baby and toddler groups another try. Every one of them is different and you might need to visit a few before you find one that you feel comfortable going to.
Staying at home and not interacting with other adults can send you slightly bonkers (it does me!) so it's definitely worth making the effort to get out and make new friends. It can make such a difference if you can meet someone for a coffee and a chat for 30 minutes. You don't have to be best friends but just be prepared to chat about ordinary stuff.

I have been there, I think part of the problem is the pressure to feel like you are enjoying it when actually it's pretty dull and really hard work.

As a pp said above, find some organised activities rather than toddler groups as if you're focussed on doing something you don't have to feel like a spare part if nobody chats to you. Libraries often do free rhyme times or look for music groups etc in church halls. If they are crawling then try your local gymnastics club if there is one as lots do sessions for toddlers (a bit like soft play but less hellish)

Also try to find time for some simple pleasures - catch half an hour of a favourite programme on iPlayer in nap time, put music on, go for a walk and get a takeaway coffee - any little thing you can fit into your day to make you feel more like the 'old' you. It does get more fun - mine is 5 now and he's awesome x

The early years are rubbish. I found them soul-suckingly difficult, physically and emotionally. But ooohhh my goodness, it gets so much better, I promise. I took my older ones (7 and 9) to the cinema yesterday to see a film we ALL enjoyed. It was awesome. We had a really good time and a good laugh. They are (mostly!) good company and I love their view of the world.

I was back at work after 3 months.
It was planned that way anyway but I just had to get back to the adult world.
I was not maternal at all.
My DD will tell you that now.
I love her more than life and would honestly die for her.
But I didn't enjoy being a mum, which is why I only ever had 1 child.

It does get easier though.
Once they are a little older, going to school etc... it's much better.

It passes I promise.
I didn't enjoy the baby stage at all. At all. I cannot function on sleep deprivation.
But I did like the toddler stage and when dd started nursery and I got some time to myself and work it all came together.

I totally know how you feel. My DD is 6 months old and I don't know what's happening to me.
Everyone around me tells me it will pass and the first year is 'the worst' I'm just hoping they're right...

It will pass. Children change so much, so fast that by this time next year you will have an adventurous toddler on your hands. Toddlers are different to babies, they chat, they make you laugh, they’re constantly learning and enquiringly, you may find that stage more enjoyable. But don’t get too comfortable with it, as that stage too will pass and you will have a school aged child who is making his/her way in the big wide world. Before you realise it junior school will be swapped for secondary school and that’s when you see another huge change.
Try not to sweat the small stuff, please do try to enjoy this all to brief time with your baby and rest assured that just because you’ve found that babies are not as much fun as you thought that doesn’t make you a bad parent.
Do try to find a bit of time to rediscover yourself, old hobbies, old friends, new friends, whatever it takes to keep you happy. We’re not all natural earth mothers.

Honestly it’s horrible for many mums - it will pass
I found a bit of me time and going back to work was what I needed - my husband does really help and looks after the kids whilst I did whatever I needed, including weekends away with friends which I reciprocated as he goes away some weekends too

You’ll get through it, don’t see it as failure or anything stupid like that, see it as something needs to change and that’s you giving yourself time to break the monotony and do something else - have things to look forward too as well - that’s really important

In the wise words of Michael McIntyre I don’t say good bye anymore to my wife when I’m leaving the house I say ‘good luck’

It will totally pass.

A baby doesn’t stay a baby. Your truly amazing bit of parenting might happen when they are at school age, or teenagers, or when they are adults even! Your relationship will not be like this for ever and will continually change and develop.

Hang in there, it’ll get easier.

nothing quite like a friend with a baby and a dark sense of humour... at that age babies can still sometimes even join you for a pub lunch (in my experience that all stopped when walking happened).
but it's NOT always fun. often it's precisely no fun at all, but with vomit. i also have a career i love which I went back to and found a good balance - really helped a lot - and a supportive DH.
it is MUCH more fun years later when you get to read harry potter, go trick or treating, make cookies, go on beach holidays and all that.

Can I recommend some books? A Life's Work by Rachel Cusk and Life After Birth by Kate Figes. Both great on the reality of motherhood.

Having a baby is hard. I never liked toddler groups at all. What worked for me was getting out of the house with the buggy and walking a lot. Do you have any family who can give you a break? Have you got plans to go back to work? I found that, although harder logistically, going back to work was far easier over all than being at home.

It does get easier xx

Baby stage is shit. but it honestly does pass and you are 3/4 of the way there. Once they get to 1 its loads better. Just keep telling yourself - 3/4 of the way there.

My friend asked me the other day if I regretted having DD. If she'd asked me before she was about 12 mth old I would have said yes (it was an awful, boring, ever dependent, sleep deprived mess). If you ask me now (DD nrly 7) I would have said no, its amazing.

I love being a Mum, but I love being a mum of an toddler and older child better (more fun and can wipe their own arse).

Don't feel like its supposed to be one of those Instagram lovely dovey phases where everything is roses.

Oh god OP I remember seeing the clock and it being 9am and I felt like I'd already been up for a whole day, and I couldn't believe how long I had to go until bedtime. I'm another who found the baby stage beyond exhausting. The difficulty understanding each other especially - I found it so much easier and more fun when they learned to talk. The older they get, the more suited to it I think I am (preteens now).

Toddler groups are awful. I lived for taking baby out in the buggy, walking around until they napped, and then going to a coffee shop or gallery to enjoy something for a bit.

Also nursery and work may be what you need. I went back to work at around 7/8 months with each baby (more part-time at first). It saved my sanity, I could not have carried on without having something outside baby-parenting to think about.

I loathed every minute of early years parenting. I simply avoided stressful situations by mainly staying at home or just visiting helpful family members. I never took him anywhere brave or adventurous because I didn't have the confidence to change his nappy anywhere but at home or my mums house.

It was fine, he had a lovely babyhood. I went back to work at six months. I never once, for one minute, missed him when I was in the office. He was at a fab nursery.

He's seven now and the light of our lives but in truth, the moments I genuinely look forward to are those I spend alone.

You're not a bad person or a bad mum, who the hell likes wiping shit, or being kicked for trying to keep somebody warm and safe. How anybody finds it fulfilling is a mystery to me. Each to their own!

Yes remember this stage well. As someone said so perfectly - you look at the clock having been up for hours and it is only 9 am.

I went back to work 3 days a week when each of them was 6 months. Would have lost it otherwise. My husband wouldn't have lasted 6 months. Is going back to work an option? Ours went to daycare and we made loads of friends through there.

What we did find worked for us on the weekends/evenings is accepting that the old life is gone - no more (well mostly no more) cups of coffee reading the paper without a care in the world on a saturday morning. Instead we embraced the suck as the man said. Got up with the baby (even the one getting a lie-in didn't lie in past 9), made coffee, went out of the house, met friends with babies at the playground or on the walk so the mind-numbing boredom of it all was alleviated by talking to other people. My experience is that it is easier if you don't try to have your old life for a while but enjoy the new life.

I loved the middle years though - age about 4 to 11.

Pretty much all I can remember from that age is being half crazy with no sleep and petrified I'd break the baby.

Yep - what Morris said.

You've been sold a lie that you will enjoy this experience...but you are very very normal in not doing so.

It does improve - or at least change - as they get older.

Its a shame you can't try being a parent without committing to a lifetime of it...although that would probably drop the birth rate by a factor of 5 and wipe out the human race....

Loving what Fluffy said about them bringing you cups of tea. I told DS recently I was holding out for this!

Up to 7 months was a slog. Then I went back to work and had a cup of tea and a conversation with another adult at least daily.

I remember 18 months being suddenly quite jolly. He laughed a lot and his personality really started to show.

DS will be 9 in a few weeks. I'm increasingly conscious of the things I've tried and enjoyed that I would never have experienced if it weren't for him. From mountain biking to Lego movies to slides at the swimming pool. Everything is awesome sometimes for little ones and it can be infectious.

I find whenever I have had some time to do something just for me I enjoy parenting a lot more afterwards. If at all possible spend some time without the baby. DH suggested putting him in nursery one day a week when I was on mat leave. I refused but looking back I think may be I should have done, even a few hours would have given me strength.

Is there any chance you can go back to work, even part time?

This was me before ds could crawl, then he became more fun. Also combined with me getting out of the house more. I joined a local resort for the year on a cheap deal, I can go swimming or several classes. It means I can get out of the house whenever I want and whatever the weather. It also gave me something to mentally put on the calendar so I didn’t have weeks stretching ahead of me without anything planned.

Get out of the house, the more you do it the easiest it becomes. Doesn’t have to be toddler groups, s/he will enjoy anything as long as you talk to him/her. Go to museums/art gallery/swimming/walk in the park/anything you use to do before.

And last week he spent two hours exhausting himself at indoor play while I had a pot of tea and read a book. Later the same week we both browsed in a bookshop for an hour then shared a cupcake in the café. Peace reigned. Your day will come.