To think kids shouldn’t always come first

[Winosaurus]

I know this is going to be a divisive topic but I have read so many times on MN that “kids should always be your priority” and “kids should always come first” and I just want to know why people think this?
I think the welfare of children is the most important, their financial, emotional and health related needs should be prioritised but I think so many people these days confuse needs and wants.
My kids do not always come first in my life. I gave them life but I didn’t give them mine, and I do things that make me happy too even if they’re not fully on board. On a basic level I weigh it up - if we have spare cash and they need something essential then of course their needs come first, but if they want something but so do I then I don’t always try to appease them and like to buy things for myself too.
I think putting kids constantly first and particularly ahead of a relationship/ marriage is unhealthy. My parents were happily married for 32 years and were the most amazing parents - yet we were not the most important part of their life, their marriage to each other was and they took time and effort to maintain that.
I recently had a conversation with a friend who’s DC was having an almighty meltdown about her and her DH going to dinner without him. She relented and took him because “DC’s happiness comes first”.
I honestly think this is why we have so many entitled kids devoid of empathy.
Just saying

I can't stand centre of the universe mini dictators and their dopey parents that can't say no.
Otoh I hate this benign neglect brigade chortling about how lax they are.
We aim for somewhere in the middle where dc have their needs met and some but definitely not all of their heart's desires but absolutely no demands ever, whilst seeing parents get some of their wants too.

Great post LostIn

Agree too.

Recently - SDS, no I’m not going to be late for my appointment just because you “don’t want to walk 15 minutes” home from school.

And yes, DH and I go away every year for a week, by ourselves, even though we know the kids will miss us. We’ve never had alone couple time as we’ve always had 4 DC between us so that’s important to us. One week v 51 of them being our priority 99% of the time.

Parents are human beings with their own needs. We’re not cyborgs that populate the earth purely to fulfil our DCs every whim

I agree! It is actually dangerous making them the center of the universe - they do grow up to be entitled beings.

Yanbu - there is a happy medium which I think all parents should aim for. I agree with those who have said people can become confused between their child’s needs and their wants.

YANBU

I always tell my daughter that my world does not revolve AROUND her but revolves WITH her.

Therefor whilst she is the biggest thing in my life there are still other elements that need to be factored in - and sometimes mama wants a bath in peace!!

I do think a mother should keep her own interests, relationships, and sense of self (seperate to that of being a "mummy of two and wifey " )
I find women martyr themselves not for just their kids but for everyone, especially men.
I hear a lot of my childless friends shudder at being a mother because they're told that as soon as you're a mother you no longer have any seperate identity , you turn into an ugly frumpy human dishrag whose sole purpose is serving the family. But then I see childless women sacrificing their wants/career/future/friends for their shithead boyfriends too. Women are taught I was taught anyways self sacrifice and selflessness is the epitome of all that's good and holy.
I get out and go to the gym , make time to go to groups on subjects that interest me, take classes, meet a friend for coffee..it's really important to take care of yourself to keep your sanity.

It's for this reason me and DP selfishly (not) go away together for at least three days (sometimes a week) once or more a year and leave our DD in the very capable and loving hands of her DGM.
Our DD is our life, but she doesn't own it (if that makes sense, probably doesn't).

She may be your mother so you think talking to her like that is acceptable, but she is my wife and if any other man spoke to her like that then they certainly wouldn’t be getting this restrained reaction”.

I don't think this is amazing at all. Surely he should have said 'Because she is your mother, you don't speak to her like that.' And also 'that's not how we speak to anyone' instead of quietly threatening him.

I don't get this thread at all. Most parents don't let their kids turn into spoilt brats. That doesn't mean if a child is given what they would like that they have to. It's about parenting in a way that if you give your child lots then the child appreciates it. I wouldn't declare I put my children first. We are a family. Whoever needs or wants something, child or adult get it if possible.

I recently had a conversation with a friend who’s DC was having an almighty meltdown about her and her DH going to dinner without him. She relented and took him because “DC’s happiness comes first”.

See, I also think kids come first. Which is why I think they need to learn other people have needs and rights, too. You let your kids down if you don't. Saying no and allowing them to cry is miserable but you have to suck that up, as a parent (and it does buy better behaviour long term if you set boundaries, too, not to mention protect your sanity and relationships which is in their interests).

Having said that I know a couple of parents who genuinely act as though they're childless. They barely spend any time with their kids at all and expect them to fit in around their lives wholly.

As with most things, it's a question of balance - and needs and wants, as you say.

I always tell my daughter that my world does not revolve AROUND her but revolves WITH her.

I like that.

Happy medium, definitely.

I have a 5yo (and DC2 on the way). I want him to know that he is loved & wanted & valued for who he is, no matter what. I want him to know that he is incredibly important to me. I want him to know that other people, including me, matter too; I want him to know that he won't always get what he wants, and that that's fine and ok and part of life.
I want him to know that mostly I make the decisions because I'm the adult, but that sometimes I will give him a choice. I want him to know that I empathise with him when he can't get what he wants, but also that throwing a hissy fit doesn't make me change my mind. I want him to know that I am reliable and consistent and do what I say - if I say I'm going out without him then I am, if I say I'll pick him up before lunchtime the next day then I will. I want him to know that sometimes it's his turn to choose the cafe and sometimes it's mine. I want him to know that I love his company but that sometimes I want to be just by myself, or with a friend.

I think these things are almost universal, though. I think virtually all parents agree that children need good boundaries, empathy from their caregivers, acknowledgement, love, practice at not getting what they want. I tend to assume that the examples people observe of other parents falling short of this tend to be poor judgment calls by tired parents trying to do their best, or sometimes by people using a shorthand to explain their actions (e.g. "I'm prioritising my kids right now" covering a multitude of reasons for not pursuing romantic relationships, which is a really personal and emotive topic and not one id necessarily expect people to be honest about, even with themselves).

I grew up knowing full well I wasn't my mother's priority. The lesson I learned was that people who love us can be distant and unreliable, and that it's best to do everything for yourself, to a ridiculous extreme. I wince a bit when I read some of the tough-love-teach-em-young posts on here. If we want to err one way or the other, I think it's probably much easier for an older child or adult to learn they're not the centre of the universe after all, than it is to learn that they matter.

I thought that someone summed it up really well earlier in the thread: their needs yes, their wants, not necessarily.

I agree. I think that while kids are kids, they are also 'adults in training' so to speak. If they constantly get their own way and are pandered to, surely itll be a huge shock when they grow up and realise that other people won't do the same for them?

I do generally agree OP. It amazes me the extent to which some mothers seem happy to martyr themselves, particularly when it comes to things like sleep. There are so many posts on the MN Sleep board from people who would rather sacrifice their own physical and mental health than risk ‘damaging’ their child with sleep training. It is entirely normal to need sleep to function - it doesn’t make you a bad parent. If I hadn’t put myself first and sleep trained my daughter I don’t know what might have happened.

There are parents who can't bear to see their children upset. They will give in to demands and tantrums because they think they are bad parents if their child is crying.
Kids need to be upset sometimes. They need to learn to cope with disappointment and that they can't always have what they want. I would never have deliberately upset my children but I was not over concerned if they cried because they wanted their own way.
I get fed up of friends who let their kids interrupt our conversations and can't tell them to wait.
Kids should be your main priority, but that doesn't mean you jump to their every demand.

I dunno. These sorts of threads always seem to turn into a bit of a shower of people all reassuring themselves that they're doing it right. And there's usually a mention of an acquaintance or relative who isn't doing things the way the poster is, and is held up as an example of everything wrong the world, because one time they did this thing and now their children are awful.

If you're happy with the way you live your life and raise your children, more power to you. I don't see why there's any need to bang on about it. No-one's taking score.

You teach empathy by showing empathy .showing empathy doesn't mean giving them everything and it doesn't mean giving in .its a shame that so many people misunderstand this .

Totally agree OP. At last, someone talking sense.

I think we hope that by putting children first we will lead by example and they will turn into caring people capable of becoming good parents themselves. Certainly my adult DC seem to have metamorphosed into caring and responsible adults. Those who are parents are making sacrifices just as we did.

It's really sad that someone could judge a child for being 'entitled and devoid of empathy'.
So refusing to treat our children as equal to us makes them ' devoid of empathy'?
I don't think so somehow.

*not refusing

Totally agree OP .
When I have time off in the school holidays I try and see both my friends (whose DC may not be my DCs friends) and DCs friends (whose parents may not be my friends).

My mum was pregnant at 18 and by the age of 23 she had three children, we were her entire world, there was no one else she would rather spend time with, that doesn’t mean we were attatched at the hip we saw our family often but all she ever wanted was to be a mum and she has always told me and my siblings it was the hardest job in the world, ever. Raising three children pretty much alone as my dad worked from morning until evening, but that she wouldn’t ever trade a second of tantrums or stuck in the mud for anything else in this world. Our mum is our best friend, I don’t agree with this OP on this because I grew up knowing that no matter how harsh the world was, how much my friends let me down or school wasn’t nice or just in general how unfair the world is, my mum was there always she’d be exactly where she said she was. There were the odd times I remember She went for dinner with dad and we had a family friend sit in with us (she got home before bed time) but she’s never enjoyed it without us. She and my dad are still together 20 years down the line and they are now grandparents to four (from all three of us) and we spend every day together still because even now as a mum myself my own mum wants nothing more than to be with us and now our own children. She never left us out, she let us feel valued and as a family we did everything together. I’m raising my daughter like that, I want her to see me the way I see my mum like the only sanctuary in this world. She would regret weeks away from us as children or going out to see pointless ‘friends’ that 30 years down the line won’t be there.

Our children come first while they are young, as they grow older, we get back to our full time relationship.

Our children, who are young adults, now treat us very kindly and helpfully.

We taught them.