To think kids shouldn’t always come first

[Winosaurus]

I know this is going to be a divisive topic but I have read so many times on MN that “kids should always be your priority” and “kids should always come first” and I just want to know why people think this?
I think the welfare of children is the most important, their financial, emotional and health related needs should be prioritised but I think so many people these days confuse needs and wants.
My kids do not always come first in my life. I gave them life but I didn’t give them mine, and I do things that make me happy too even if they’re not fully on board. On a basic level I weigh it up - if we have spare cash and they need something essential then of course their needs come first, but if they want something but so do I then I don’t always try to appease them and like to buy things for myself too.
I think putting kids constantly first and particularly ahead of a relationship/ marriage is unhealthy. My parents were happily married for 32 years and were the most amazing parents - yet we were not the most important part of their life, their marriage to each other was and they took time and effort to maintain that.
I recently had a conversation with a friend who’s DC was having an almighty meltdown about her and her DH going to dinner without him. She relented and took him because “DC’s happiness comes first”.
I honestly think this is why we have so many entitled kids devoid of empathy.
Just saying

[pipistrell]

ImEoin I suppose what I'm trying to do is build both independence and resilience. I'd say that starts to kick in around three years old? Before then you're right, wants and needs are kind of hard to distinguish.

[brasty]

BetterGoNowMary That is so sad. Sounds like the pro breastfeeders had no understanding of how serious a mental illness bipolar disorder is.
In some of the examples being mentioned about mental health, I think it is like the airplane instructions to put your face mask on before your childrens. This is so you can be conscious and help look after your children. And yes if you are not okay as a parent, you can't look after your child okay.

[SouthernFriedChickenPlease]

Violetcharlotte you just reminded me of when my sister got married and her bridesmaid, the grooms sister, left at the wedding meal to put her dd to bed (no SN) because her dd wouldn’t sleep with her laying there with her

[SouthernFriedChickenPlease]

Sleep without her laying there with her

[brasty]

I worked with a woman who used to do everything her DD wanted. Sadly she is now an adult and has severe anxiety. Don't know if the two are related in her case.

[lizzieoak]

What gets my goat, in terms of kids’ wants vs needs, is some people’s reluctance to teach their kids that the kid does not always come first (after baby/toddler years).

One friend, if you went over for tea and tried to have a chat her dd would interrupt constantly (just to get attention) and this went on from the time she could talk to age 10 (which she is now). Friend would also do this on the phone to long distance friends and would go off on side tangents to her dd for ages. On the phone it got so as she was returning to the adult conversation only to find they’d hung up. Imo it would have been good for the girl to be taught to amuse herself and not expect to be the centre of every conversation.

Another friend I met for coffee recently, her 4 year old was climbing all over the long padded benches at Starbucks (we were at a table so the climbing and wriggling was going on between other childless adults), and at one point his wriggling legs swung near someone’s laptop. Then he stood up on the back of the bench and started slowly swinging the Starbucks sign back and forth while watching his mum to see what she was doing.

It set my teeth on edge. She said “danger, danger” and got him down but had let him clamber around next to people.

My kids would have been out of Starbucks in an instant if this had gone on. My dd didn’t play up like but my ds could be a handful and he was constantly being removed (by me) from shops and cafes. Because other people are not fond of our kids and should not have to put up with their tiny boots swinging near adult heads.

As far as me and the kids go I do go without. Except for the chocolate - that is mine and I do not share.

[BetterGoNowMary]

I have to say I have no idea why in God's name anyone takes their toddlers to coffee shops. I gave up doing that with my DS as soon as he could walk as he was just unmanageable otherwise. I don't want to drink coffee that badly!!

[carefreeeee]

I agree in terms of maintaining adult relationships - that's really important. It's to the children's long term advantage too if their parents are (ideally) happily married or otherwise at least happy in their own lives.

Like anything there's a balance - you don't want to give your children everything they want but it's nice to give them some of what they want. Though there are some spoilt young children around these days, I think most teenagers I know are actually pretty sociable and considerate - probably because they spend more time with adults.

[lizzieoak]

It depends on the child though (taking them to cafes). When my dd was little she and the other 2 little girls were perfectly happy sitting in their Starbucks highchairs and watching the world go by. A few years later we all had boys and they wriggled and fussed and made going to cafes a misery so we stopped. My ds (who was lovely post aged 3) was also a bloody misery on the beach, in the grocery store, and in the garden. Any time he thought I was not focused on him he was a pain in the arse. He outgrew it though (or realized it wasn’t working).

[Maireadplastic]

My husband and I often put each other first. We often want each other to ourselves. We were divvying up domestic jobs the other day when our youngest boy (of three boys) said 'you two do a lot for each other'. I think that's good.

My boys are brilliant. One day they won't be here but my husband will.

[Leapfrog44]

I agree. Happy parents make happy children. And children need to feel deprivation sometimes. Having everything you want and everything your own way is not a good way to prepare for the real world.

[lizzieoak]

What do people think about adult children? I was a bit shocked that an acquitance of mine, along with her siblings, refused to speak to their dad when he had the temerity to divorce their mum. They were in their late 20’s - early 30’s at the time. Their mum is lovely, but they loved their dad prior to him wanting a divorce.

I’m not of the opinion that we live our lives for our kids forever.

[FaveNumberIs2]

Totally agree with you, op.

[lolalola19]

Agreed OP

[Bargainqueen]

I think how you've written this OP, it's very easy to agree with you. I do totally agree that parents need time to themselves and shouldn't forget who they are. However, it's very difficult because we are all different and where as I believe that I chose to have my child and therefore do feel that certain sacrifices should be made, I don't agree that I should be totally selfish.
Like another poster said, there is a happy medium. I don't think any child should expect it to th all about them, but in the same breath I don't expect parents to constantly moan and bitch about how much of a life they don't have and blame the child.
You have children, be expected to have to put them first at times you may not want to.

[manicmij]

Winosaurus you are correct. Unfortunately we are now in the generation of parents who themselves had every whom pandered to so they do not like or even want the bother of dealing with the reactions when children have a meltdown. Indulgence all the way.

[Mamabear4180]

In your example OP (of the child having a meltdown because his parents were going out for dinner without him) I disagree with you. I would want to find out why my child was so upset not just leave him to his big emotions! I wouldn't consider going anywhere unless my child was emotionally able to handle it. I certainly wouldn't enjoy my meal so it would be pointless going!

There's a difference between putting your DC first and allowing them to trample all over you. It can be hard to distinguish between the 2 sometimes but in general you do have a point. The most important thing for a parent to care about is what relationship they have with their DC, the rest is nobody else's business, including whether they took their kid out for dinner because he was upset!

[Justoneme]

I have really enjoyed this thread. It's thought poking

[Gingertam]

Totally agree with you.

[TheRollingCrone]

It's a happy medium isn't it? Finding whats best for your family/children/marriage.
Tbh the happiest couples with children I know just "are" I'm not sure conscious thought followed by action is part of it. They were happy and together before they had children.

For disclosure: my marriage was a car crash , but I have got a nice kid

[TheRollingCrone]

Justone thought poking [grinning]

[Dreams16]

It’s about striking a healthy balance yes my DC is my world and I would try and do my best to make sure they are cared for know they are loved but at same time there are times where I love alone time time to be me and as you say treat yourself spend time with my DH go out for meals together etc I think it’s trying to strike a healthy balance

[EivissaSenorita]

My sister and brother-in-law have always done everything for their 4 daughters and bent over backwards to enable their every whim, gone without for themselves and now they have 4 grown up brats who won’t put themselves out for anyone and their boyfriends can’t live up to anything that their parents have done for them. I’ve watched and done things differently win my kids

[celticmissey]

I think it needs to be balanced. As a child I had everything I needed in terms of a nice home, clothes and enough good on the table. But I had a dad who was obsessed with getting promoted at work and a mum who was not in the least bit maternal. Result- as an adult I look back on my childhood and would have swapped any of the material stuff for some "quality time" and "quality memories" of doing things with my parents. When your childhood's gone it's gone. I won't make the same mistake with my Daughter. I would have loved to have come first on the odd occasion...

[LostInTheTunnelOfGoats]

Definitely a happy medium. I do make sacrifices for my daughter, but they are big ones and she doesn't know about them yet - she'll probably only realised as an adult herself. Anyway they aren't really sacrifices if you choose to do them. I work hard to make sure DD has as many advantages as I can scrape together for her, and I've been quietly shrewd and calculated when making some decisions for her benefit. But again, she knows none of this and she doesn't need to be aware. That's for the adults to worry about. There's nothing worse than a martyr mummy who spoils their child constantly while making them feel guilty and bad that poor Mummy isn't getting a minute to herself because she's had to go out to the shops again to buy Jimmy's favourite brand of ham for his lunch.
DD is a sensitive child, and we haven't always had money, so sometimes she'll say (about a school trip for instance) "but is it OK? Are you sure it's ok?" and I'll say to her "yes it's ok, if we couldn't afford it you wouldn't be going, it's as simple as that" or "if I didn't want to do it, I wouldn't". My parents had this attitude with me, and I think it's spot on. I knew I was loved and cherished. And I knew if I really wanted something, I could ask my parents for it and chances are I would get it, if they could manage it. If they couldn't, they'd explain why - no money because of car bill, no room for a puppy etc
Mum and Dad have a great marriage and they always made time for each other. I'm glad they did, because they're still happily together and I have a great relationships with both of them - when I think about it,most of my similar age friends have divorced parents who split up when the youngest went to uni.

I try to follow their example in my own marriage, and I think it's paying off. I wasn't put on this earth to be a joyless, self sacrificing martyr, neither was my mother and neither was DD. If someone shot at me with a gun, my mum would throw herself in front of me, as I would for DD. She's travelled miles in the dead of night when I was very ill and needed her. I can depend on her for anything. But she never felt the need to deny herself a dress from the Next sale and a meal out with friends because it might otherwise deprive me of some daft piece of tat I longed for at the time.

I would hate my smart, wonderful DD to turn herself into a slave to her husband and children, so I'll always try my best to model the opposite. She sees me having fun with other adults, she's absolutely been packed off to her grandparents so DH and I can have a weekend away, and damn right I'm going to spend some of my hard earned wages on makeup and clothes when I need them.

Why the fuck would I want her to feel responsible for me turning into a drudge who never gets a break - that's a horrible thing to put on a child. Also I absolutely agree with whoever said that raising children to have their every wish fulfilled is going to stress them out massively in later life. Children need to learn emotional resilience and self care, and their first teachers in that will be their parents.

It starts young. Case in point, a friend of mine has a very miserable, entitled daughter who is becoming increasingly hard work. I could see it coming.. Aged three, I would be sitting in soft play waiting for my friend.... No show. I'd get a phone call "I can't come, Jessica won't put her shoes on"
Well, tell her to put them on, make her put them on, I'd say
Friend would say no- "because she doesn't want to"

So the child would dictate the whole day over a whim, and my friend, bless her, who was a loving mother and thought she was doing the right thing, was convinced that a three year old saying "I don't want to" was an unarguable, set in stone statement that a parent must follow at all costs.
Sometimes it's absolutely fine to "pull rank"