To ask for money from ex?

[Misspollyhadadollie]

Ex doesn't pay maintenance. There is a fun fair near me for the half term and I want to take the kids tomorrow as it's the only day they do wrist bands (very expensive with 3 kids otherwise) however money is tight so can't afford it. If it was the Thursday it would be no problem as that's when I get paid. Would it be unreasonable to ask ex if he would pay so they can go?? I tried hinting yesterday but he didn't offer.

[Misspollyhadadollie]

Wtf?! You know nothing of my life my ex has been violent to me in the past so no I won't do anything to provoke him! Didn't really wanna have to say that on here though. And my dad said any time I need money to ASK him since he wasn't there for me growing up and only came back in my life when I was 21. Good old mumsnet hey.

[sweetbitter]

Does he sometimes give you bits of money here and there for specific things then, but no maintenance? How much time do they spend at his?

Have you ever tried writing a breakdown of how much they cost every month in terms of clothes/childcare/food/petrol/activities etc and showing him how child benefit doesn't cover it?

I don't think you are unreasonable to want him to contribute to this, but asking him for money in this way isnt fair on you, he should be paying SOMETHING regularly unless he has them 50%.

[WhyWouldYouThinkThat]

Looks like I'm gonna have to ask my dad instead which means travelling an hour to his then an hour back. Sigh.

That would be silly. How about just not taking them to the fair. 🤷🏻‍♀️. They can go next time.

[Misspollyhadadollie]

No he doesn't pay at all. The last purchase was around Xmas he bought them some presents. They don't have to go tomorrow no but I will take them on Thursday when I get paid instead then but like I said that will be full price day so will be abit annoying.

[Misspollyhadadollie]

Oh forgot to add he doesn't take them either. (Because he won't)
Only sees them at mine.

[Blink1982]

Make out that you want to lend the money off him til Thursday and never pay it back.

[mylaptopismylapdog]

Ask your Dad if I ever become a grandparent I l would love to be providing such a treat and know that my daughter will enjoy it too without having to stress.

[HeebieJeebies456]

my ex has been violent to me in the past so no I won't do anything to provoke him!

Only sees them at mine

So not only do you enable him to avoid financial responsibility towards his kids - you also continue to allow a violent abuser physical access to you in your own home and the dc?

And my dad said any time I need money to ASK him
That's good - but it doesn't mean 'take the piss'.
This wasn't an emergency or something the dc needed (clothes,food,heating).
You want to go cap in hand to him over a luxury that they can do without - and in the same breath you whinge about 'having' to travel to get it!

[snash12]

HeebieJeebies456

Why are you being so nasty?

[Misspollyhadadollie]

Well either way I won't be reporting him as I don't need the stress that goes with it. And yes he can see our kids as he has never been violent to or infront of them.
Anyway last night he transferred the money without me asking so looks like we will be going after all.

[NoFucksImAQueen]

Who gave you the money? Glad you can go

[AngelsSins]

For fuck sake, it's so wrong that men get away with this. They should be in prison for neglect in my opinion!

[AngelsSins]

And Heebie, how about you try holding men accountable for their behaviour rather than blaming women?

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Christ heebie you must be a pleasure to be around.

[sunlightinthewoods]

Glad you are all getting to go after all.

[LouHotel]

I wouldnt facilitate any further contact with this man. What message does is send your children that he's still welcome in their lives after being abusive to their mother.

Your worth more than that and the little money/time he gives your family.

[HeebieJeebies456]

how about you try holding men accountable for their behaviour rather than blaming women

She needs to report him to hold him accountable - which OP is flat out refusing to do
What exactly is she doing to hold HIM accountable?

Too scared to report him allegedly - but obviously not that scared to let him have full access to her home and kids.

I pointed out the facts bluntly - sorry if the truth hurts!

OP is choosing to remain a victim of a violent bully.

[CamelliaSinensis35]

I am also confused as to why OP allows a violent man into her children's home. A violent man who doesn't pay a penny towards their upkeep. Heebie isn't being unreasonable in questioning this.

[scoobydooagain]

The minimum payment is not £7 on benefits, as my ex has ds a max of 3 nights a fortnight, his child maintenance is calculated as £0.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

It would be if he didn’t have shared care scooby.

I didn’t think I needed to point out that the payment is adjusted to account for overnights as I figured that was fairly obvious.

[scoobydooagain]

3 nights a fortnight is hardly shared custody

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Does he have other children at home or to pay for via Cm?

[kittensinmydinner1]

Heebie has just asked some very logical questions. !
Why is a violent abuser allowed access to the children ?
I don’t believe that he has never been violent to OP in front of them .
If this is actually the case then why is she afraid to report him to HMRC/CMs (I don’t do anything to provoke him - he’s been violent to me in the past) Presumably OP is always with her children so would not be in any danger of violence as this has never happened 🤔

OP is enabling his behaviour.

[Misspollyhadadollie]

Whatever! Not reporting him so tough shit. And I don't care what you believe.