Fallen out with MIL so thinking I might be UR

[PretendTeaPot]

Had a big falling out with my MIL and wonder if I need some perspective.

DD is 2.4, but developmentally closer to 15/16 months, she's speech delayed, has hearing problems, eye sight problems, is asthmatic and has hip problems. She has at least 1 appointment a fortnight for something or other.

DH is flakey at best, a lazy sod at worst. He forgets everything including his own head if it isn't screwed on from what time his shift starts at work to picking DD up from Nursery, and everything in between. He's so unorganized that he never leaves time to have a shower when getting ready for work and is often late anyway, I'm constantly surprised he hasn't been sacked - he must be a good worker in other areas that they can overlook his consistent lateness.

I also work 3 days a week, manage to get myself and DD ready in plenty of time in the mornings, get DD to Nursery in time for breakfast there and get to work usually with 5 minutes or so to spare so I can make myself a cup of tea and start the day relaxed - I've been late once when there was a big accident on the main A road through my town but the two other women who live in my town were also late due to that so no-one got into trouble.

I had got into the habit of reminding, cajoling and even waking DH up to get him to where he needed to be on time. As well as getting myself and DD ready, getting DD to her appointments,shopping for and feeding us all, getting the cat fed, litter changed etc reminding DH to do the two housework jobs he has to do (clean the bathroom once a week (not the toilet as I do that everyday, just the bath and sink) and mop the kitchen floor once a week), reminding him to text his family to see DD. It was like having a teenager and a toddler at the same time.

In June I went to the doctors as I've not been feeling well; my blood pressure is through the roof, my heartrate is consistently high, and I've been suffering with headaches. The doctor has sent me for further testing but is 90% sure I'm doing too much and need to slow down.

So I stopped, stop reminding DH to do anything, told him I'm ask him once a week to text his mum to ask if she wants DD, and if he forgets or doesn't do it and she doesn't ask him then she won't see DD. I stopped getting him up, stopped doing things for him, and would just leave his meal in the microwave to heat up later if he wanted it, of course I still remind about housework as that affects us all. And I actually feel better since doing it.

And MILs shouted at me on Sunday as she hasn't seen DD since before my doctors appointment in June as DH says he'll text her later and forgets. He's been late for work 2-3 times a week since I stopped, and has not attended a single appointment of DDs as I give him the letters but don't remind him anymore so he can rearrange he schedule so he can attend.

MIL says that being married is like this and I need to do more for DH, she says I should of realised that men never grow up. She said it's my job not hers or DHs to make sure DD sees both sets of grandparents she sees my mum a few times a month as my mum will contact me and offer to have DD for a couple of hours for me. I also speak to my mum at least once a week. I also need to remember that DH works and his home life should be as stress free as possible. Apparently if I can't manage everything I should quit work (I work to cover nursery fees plus a tiny bit of spending money that's it - I also work for my own sanity as a life spent ferrying a child back and forth to hospital is boring, time consuming and means I don't have many friends plus her hip condition means we have to be careful what groups I take her too as if she hurts herself she can end up at A+E) and keep DD at home with me.

I'm just wondering whether IABU? And I do need to start doing things for DH again?

You're his wife, not his mother, and he is an adult, not a teenager - any grown man who has to be woken up every day, reminded to shower, etc needs a good kick up the arse!

Fuck that. It's not your job to manage every aspect of his life. You're not his PA.

And when I say concern I don't mean that you should wake him up in the morning more like start planning for him being unemployed and how that will affect you and how you will manage -because it will happen.

you are not being unreasonable at all.

It is worth explaining to your MIL calmly that you have high blood pressure and have been told you are doing too much, and so have stopped what you can. Suggest she texts her DS if she wants to see baby. Just say calmly that is how it is, I need to protect my health for the benefit of the baby, DH can either shape up or live like he wants to, but you cannot look after him like a child.

Suggest you get your DH to speak to his mother too and back you up, explaining that this is how it needs to be and that he will try harder for her.

If you don't have your DH's support to your new plan of prioritising your health, then you need to start treating him like he treats you, and when he asks why you say "because this is how you treat me, so I assume this is also how you want to be treated". Often men are not able to see that their behaviour is not worth it until they have a very clear cause and effect.

He isn't coming back OP. Why would he change? He's got away with this for so long why would he think you would stop putting up with his shit now?

It can overwhelming coming to the realisation that a relationship is over.

It does sound like moving to the nursery in your mum's town might be cutting it fine getting to work, but depending on your type of work, maybe they could offer a few mins flexibility? Or perhaps a childminder in your mum's town would take earlier drop offs? Or is there a nursery nearer your work so DD would be with you for the commute time?

Don't get bogged down feeling helpless with the practicalities. There is ALWAYS a solution - its just hard to find it when your overwhelmed with the emotion of it. You are obviously a very capable, intelligent woman. If your not in danger, you can take your time, make your plans and start a new life where you're not carrying that dead weight.

The trouble is that, although your problem now is the manchild you're married to, his parents are part of the problem because not only have they created the Beast the way he is, but they will support him to continue to behave that way. So he will see no reason to change, because you, to him, are just being completely unreasonable and not doing things the way his mother did.

Of course you're not though - of course you are the one in the "right" here and your H and his enabling mother/family are the backward thinkers.

But, not having MIL on side, will make any possible change in your H very much harder to achieve.

He won't go and you would find it difficult to go. You've already pretty much stopped doing most things for him anyway, by the sound of it, but can you take it to the next level and stop doing anything for him? Just live your life the way it needs to be to take care of you and your DD only. After all, if you do end up splitting up, that's how it will be afterwards anyway, so it's good practice.

Trouble is, it might take something that drastic for him to pull himself together and grow up. I'm surprised he hasn't had something said to him at work, to be honest, persistent lateness isn't well tolerated in most jobs!

I'm sad for you that you are in this situation, especially as it has adversely affected your health. I think, if he won't leave, then just withdrawing as much as possible is going to help you in terms of readying you and your DD for whenever he does decide to go off.

Oh my word. How the hell do you put up with this man child.

I commend you on your progress. Glad you are feeling better. Don't slip back into old ways. Hopefully your DP will learn some life lessons. All I would advise is don't start conversing with MIL about stuff. Hope your health continues to get better. If you were really rude to MIL I would apologise but remind her that what your said still stands.

MIL says that being married is like this and I need to do more for DH, she says I should of realised that men never grow up.

Screw that!! He's an adult. Why on earth is it your fault that he can't be arsed to do anything or sort himself out??
Your MIL and DH sound as bad as each other, sorry.

Is he into gaming, by any chance?

You would almost certainly get more than 50% of the house overall as you have a child

They're renting, and both their names are on the tenancy.

OP, speak to work and ask if you can start/finish half an hour later.

Are you in a fixed term contract, or has it moved onto a periodic tenancy? Speak to your landlord and ask if they will take you off the tenancy. You won't be able to end the tenancy unless H also moves out though.

I think you need to work towards separating, and speak to your mum, you need her support.

YANBU! If your MiL wants to see her GCs it's up to HER to arrange it, for goodness sake.

Your DH needs serious retraining too.

YADNBU OP. I think I would have told MIL to take the lazy arse man child back. Don't wake him up anymore. Maybe buy him an alarm clock for xmas and if he forgets to set it then it's his problem. Needs to grow up.
If it kills me my two ds's will grow up to be self sufficient decent men.

WTAF!

I would have told the MIL to take him back and you want a refund because he isn't fit for purpose.

You clearly don't love him anymore and nobody could blame you, he's neither use nor ornament.
But what sort of message is this for your child? Stay with a man who makes you sad because you think it's easier than being without.
What about your happiness, which will enable you to be a far better parent for your dd.

Your MIL has strange views on the partnership of marriage. The stupid cow has raised a pathetic man-child who can't think for himself. My ex was like this, wanted me to wake him for work, sort his lunch and basically baby him through life. Along with his explosive temper when things went wrong, you can see why he is an ex.

I just could not live with someone who expected me to look after them. If they are ill, fine, if they had a disability, fine. But just because you have a uterus and they don't? Fuck off!!

Stop doing anything for him. Don't do his washing. Don't remind him about anything. Let him cope on his own.

And move out. For your own sanity, just get out before he drives you insane.

And your MIL can fuck off back to the 1950's.

for you OP as caring for your DD and trying to ensure her needs are met must be emotionally and physically draining.

You mention your DH's very poor time management and organisational skills. To me this can be an indicator of developmental co ordination issues - dyspraxia or DCD are the common terminology used to describe these issues .

I don't care how old-fashioned her beliefs are, quite frankly (and they are!), my line would have come that she shouted at you. Why the hell would any adult actually yell at another adult like that? Why not come to you and have a quiet word to ask if everything was all right?

Her shouting at you is her reducing you to child status. Clearly, in that family, all adult children remain dependants until the older generation needs care. FUBAR, sorry.

Op my dil was becoming overwhelmed with a toddler, work and my ds who although a great dad is a lazy sod.

I kicked my sons arse bloody hard, reminded him of his responsibilities, told him to step up and do his fair share in the house. He has improved 100%!!

Your mil should be ashamed and kick her some lazy arse. It’s not how it should be and guessing your mil didn’t work and didn’t have a child’s with sn.

Instead of shouting at you sue should be helping you practically and offering to have dd.

Stand firm love. You are doing an amazingly job and plan a better future.

I'm sure it was a great relief to her when he married you. She could finally shift that burden onto it's 'rightful shoulders', those of his wife (you). I'm sure she was doing all that shit for him in one form or another right up until he slipped that ring on your finger. Then she breathed a huge sigh of relief. And God knows she wants you to keep it up since she realizes that the alternative is her having to pick up the burden again.

You say it's more work to get yourself sorted for a divorce than to do what you are doing. You're accepting long term burden over short term hard slog. Yes, it may be a pain in the arse for a few months to get yourself a place, childcare, etc etc but I'd take that few months gladly over the many, many years you're going to have to deal with his shit (and his mother's).

See a solicitor (or the local authority) about the tenancy. Get expert advice about getting him off. And stop doing anything for him. No laundry, errands, cooking, cleaning, 'social' duties (Xmas/birthdays), etc. And definitely no sex. Once he gets more uncomfortable being where he is, he'll move out quick enough. Probably back to Mummy's.

Your husband is a lazy muppet who needs to pull his finger out and his mother is an enabling fool.

Do not ever quit your job. It is so important that you keep working at this point, because if I were you I'd be stockpiling cash for when a) your DH loses his job and b) you get bored of this ridiculous behaviour and want to leave him.

I'd wait until your daughter is settled in school which gives you plenty of time to save up to ditch him.

OMG! Of course YANBU OP!!!!! Reading your post made me so mad for you!! Your husband sounds utterly utterly useless - unhelpful to the point where you are doing so much more than him to facilitate your lives that you are now ill! Does he not give a shit that you have been made unwell by doing too much? Clearly not!

As for your MIL - how DARE she blame you for her son's inability to be organised and get off his arse and sort stuff out. That is not your fault or your problem and she has got a damn cheek yelling at you! You need to stand up to her, you really do, don't let her think you are a walk over. I'd be fucking fuming to be blamed for somebody else's slackness like that, no way would I take that.

Sorry posted too soon but have a look at this under the 'Learning' section.
www.dyspraxia.ie/Adults-with-Dyspraxia-DCD

Issues like this often run in families as well.

The 'pre-marriage' him wasn't reality. If it were, he wouldn't be treating you like he is now. I'd argue it's more likely that the real change for him was parenthood: subconsciously, you then changed from a couple to you being his Mum and him being his Dad. With predictably lazy-arse results.

You would be ok. If you're renting it simply isn't worth staying for the house. If it's council, he will hang on by the skin of his teeth, if not, why bother at all.

The most difficult thing seems to be nursery start time, could you possibly negotiate to start even 15 mins later? Or employ a childminder just for a drop off - one already going to the nursery in the mornings - you might be able to drop your DD there on the way to work and childminder takes her in, you pick up.

You could perhaps move in with your mum while you save a bit of cash and get sorted? Then a rental, new nursery, tax credits and a way forward.

He won't change.

If his name is on the tenency, then let him choose. He stays and you go, he goes and you stay or he grows up, sorts his life out and behaves like an adult or he may find the decision is out of his hands.