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to go against MY wishes and have my mum at next birth when she DOES MY HEAD IN

47 replies

preggerspoppet · 12/04/2007 19:51

she was at my first, mil was at my second (my mum was not available at the last minute last time thank goodness)

my mil is exactly the kind of birth partner I need; calming, respectful, knowledgeable etc etc.

my mother is someone who very easilly gets my back up, she is very blunt and outspoken and is convinced that if she was at the birth of my ds2 then things wouldnt have gone so wrong (it wasnt that bad and entirely down to inexperienced mw)

I'm a nurse, (started training 9 years ago) she is a healthcare assistant (started 6 months ago) but she seriously thinks she is florence nightingale.

I'm staying with her for this week, today we had some of her friends over and I overheard her talking to one of them telling her how amasing it is to WATCH your daughter give birth, and how lucky I am to have her be so interested because her mother wasn't.
I can't bare the thought of being WATCHED by anyone, when I have given birth before all I want is to be left alone.

I have never asked her or even hinted that I want her there, she has to travel 1 and half hours to be there and booked annual leave and a hire car just incase she is without her car.

I don't want to offend her but I absolutely don't want her there.

please help!

OP posts:

aviatrix · 12/04/2007 19:54

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StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 12/04/2007 19:55

Not unreasonable at all. You should only have who you want there. Don't tell her when you go into hospital, ring her up afterwards and say it all happened a bit quick.


mumto3girls · 12/04/2007 19:56

Just tell he straight, you've had her at one MIL at the other..this time you don't want either..least she'll know it's not just her!


SenoraPostrophe · 12/04/2007 19:57

well, I can se your dilemma, but my first thought was wow, booking annual leave and a hire car for daughter's third!

can you say you appreciate all she has done but you think that with number 3, you'd rather get all the post birth help you possibly can, so why doesn't she book her annual leave for 2 or 3 weeks later? (or would that be just as bad?)

god I wish my mum had been here when I had number 3. not bothered about who was at the birth, but it does help to have someone around afterwards. and to babysit, in fact: this time I gave birth alone due to dh having to babysit other 2.


TooTicky · 12/04/2007 20:01

OMG, if you don't want her there then don't - tell her the truth or be deviously polite but this is one time you really should be able to choose your company!!


shimmy21 · 12/04/2007 20:02

No you are not being unreasonable.
What about telling her that you really need her to look after your other dcs when you go in to labour because she is the only person that you would trust with them, they love her so much, it would put your mind at rest etc etc blardy bla.

Then you ask MIL to do the less important job of looking after you.


preggerspoppet · 12/04/2007 20:13

oh, it;s so hard though she is very sweet and lovely and it will break her heart. (dispite being a completely unsuitable birth partner for me and an all round pita)

I'm having a home birth and really need my mil there as she is so valuable.

have thought about suggesting she take the other kids (I like the ;you are the only one I would trust with this job' idea! but I just know she would have her sleeves rolled up down the deep end iykwim making me cringe and going against everything I would want for the birth. (peace,calm space quiet etc)

the prob I have is that mum and mil live in the same town and so would be obvious if mil managed to get there in time but I didnt have a chance to even phone my mum.

I would love to have her there for the other kids and after to help out, but also she is full of good intention but when it comes down to the nitty gritty of looking after them it just doesnt happen.
(I'm staying with her this week for 'a break' what a laugh! I'm much more knackered than normal!

just how do I tell her? If I don't get it right then I will end up falling out with her and my dad (who thinks she is some kind of midwife -more experienced just because she has done it 4 times herself -over 20 years ago)
or jsut forgetting to ring her at the time and putting mil in bad position and being riddled with guily after....

OP posts:

SenoraPostrophe · 12/04/2007 20:16

how about if you told her that if she is there she has to do x y and z? would she be calmer?

only I don't think this is something worth falling out with your mum tbh. births have a habit of not going to plan anyway.


preggerspoppet · 12/04/2007 20:22

I really don't want to fall out with her or hurt her feelings I just know that she will upset the atmosphere for me and put me on edge, just by being in the room.

I'll give you an example if you like of just how gobby she can be....

In the garden today with 3 of her good friends, one had her daughter with her who is due her first baby tomorrow, mum starts telling her all about how painful birth is and about when she had my brother (her first baby) the midwife 'stuck an enema up her arse and shaved her fanny'

I was so mortified, I just don't speak like that, mum is quite middle class but has one heck of a gob-on-her.
She gets so inapprpriate it makes me cringe so badly, I am quite private.

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preggerspoppet · 12/04/2007 20:24

and how insensitive to be telling her all about the pain....

she delights in reminding me how 'badly' I dealt with the pain of having ds1, nearly 8 years ago. and how much better she is at dealing with the pain.

oh heck.

OP posts:

Twiglett · 12/04/2007 20:28

you have to tell her

I'd give her a job .. tell her that you NEED her to look after other kid to get him/her out of the way for the day and she's the only one you trust

leave her in no doubt that you do not want her to be there for the birth that it would inhibit you and make the labour more difficult .. remind her you love her but that its your decision


because the longer you wait the worse it will get


lulumama · 12/04/2007 20:30

you must not have any one at the birth if you know , in advance, they will not respect your space, and will be sat watching, giving a runnng commentary...even if that person is your mum!

why not have a doula, and have MIL and mum as your post birth support....?

need to be open and honest with your mum , no point having her there and resenting her presence, or having to start lying...


preggerspoppet · 12/04/2007 20:43

twiglet that really scared me -the RIGHT NOW bit, biut you are right...

she keeps asking me what I am doing (hiding behind laptop)

I'm off the hook for a min because her friend has just phoned.... they will be chatting for a while ...

she does keep asking me to tell her about my birthplan.

we have been on a natal hypnotherapy course and are very excited and feel in control on every level, (other than the obv. even have an indi midwife coming, and mil is a natal hypotherapy practitioner.

she will be so hurt... I have butterflies, but I must just do it

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lulumama · 12/04/2007 20:44

do it, get it over with, she will live...this is your birth, needs to be your way..!


preggerspoppet · 12/04/2007 20:47

Where do you cover lulu, a friend is thinking of hiring a doula..

highjacking my own thread here....


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contentiouscat · 12/04/2007 20:47

Its your birth, you have who YOU want there - perhaps she could be nearby so she can be introduced to your new DC as soon as its born? This is too important to you to worry about anyone elses feelings.

Have to say although I know my mum changed my nappies there is no way I would want her looking at my fanjo now im all grown up!!


DaisyMOO · 12/04/2007 20:48

If MIL is a hypnotherapy practitioner there's your excuse - you need her there to do the hypnotherapy but you don't want too many bodies there while you're in labour, you'd feel crowded if it was more than mw, dh and MIL. Terribly sorry mum etc etc


lulumama · 12/04/2007 20:49

i'm in merseyside, preggers, do southport,and the surrounding areas....

Doual UK, find a doula service!


preggerspoppet · 12/04/2007 20:49

cc, I wouldn't totally mind her looking, it's the blabbing about it in front of all and sundry that I cant handle!

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preggerspoppet · 12/04/2007 20:51

oh poop lula she is way down south... thanks for the link though.

she is still on the phone.

this is helping though, I must just be brave.

I bet she makes me feel guilty and change my mind though.

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Loopymumsy · 12/04/2007 20:52

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lulumama · 12/04/2007 20:52

you;re welcome !

in london, i can recommend Marslady and Hertsnessx , who both post on here ! they have different names on Doula UK !!

do not be guilt tripped into this ! stay strong !


contentiouscat · 12/04/2007 20:57

I have a friend whose OH is always going into graphic details about her births (really TMI) only time my DH joined in I told everyone some of his personal foibles he didnt want repeated - hence to say he now know discretion is important!


preggerspoppet · 12/04/2007 20:57


feeling ready ish. need to speak to dh quickly but she is on the phone still!!!

he feels the same as me.

will update when the deed is done...


thankyou for the encouragemnet folks

OP posts:

Twiglett · 12/04/2007 20:59

write out what you're going to say

bullet points

or you'll just end up blaming DH or changing your mind halfway through

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