to go against MY wishes and have my mum at next birth when she DOES MY HEAD IN
preggerspoppet · 12/04/2007 19:51
she was at my first, mil was at my second (my mum was not available at the last minute last time thank goodness)
my mil is exactly the kind of birth partner I need; calming, respectful, knowledgeable etc etc.
my mother is someone who very easilly gets my back up, she is very blunt and outspoken and is convinced that if she was at the birth of my ds2 then things wouldnt have gone so wrong (it wasnt that bad and entirely down to inexperienced mw)
I'm a nurse, (started training 9 years ago) she is a healthcare assistant (started 6 months ago) but she seriously thinks she is florence nightingale.
I'm staying with her for this week, today we had some of her friends over and I overheard her talking to one of them telling her how amasing it is to WATCH your daughter give birth, and how lucky I am to have her be so interested because her mother wasn't.
I can't bare the thought of being WATCHED by anyone, when I have given birth before all I want is to be left alone.
I have never asked her or even hinted that I want her there, she has to travel 1 and half hours to be there and booked annual leave and a hire car just incase she is without her car.
I don't want to offend her but I absolutely don't want her there.
aviatrix · 12/04/2007 19:54
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SenoraPostrophe · 12/04/2007 19:57
well, I can se your dilemma, but my first thought was wow, booking annual leave and a hire car for daughter's third!
can you say you appreciate all she has done but you think that with number 3, you'd rather get all the post birth help you possibly can, so why doesn't she book her annual leave for 2 or 3 weeks later? (or would that be just as bad?)
god I wish my mum had been here when I had number 3. not bothered about who was at the birth, but it does help to have someone around afterwards. and to babysit, in fact: this time I gave birth alone due to dh having to babysit other 2.
shimmy21 · 12/04/2007 20:02
No you are not being unreasonable.
What about telling her that you really need her to look after your other dcs when you go in to labour because she is the only person that you would trust with them, they love her so much, it would put your mind at rest etc etc blardy bla.
Then you ask MIL to do the less important job of looking after you.
preggerspoppet · 12/04/2007 20:13
oh, it;s so hard though she is very sweet and lovely and it will break her heart. (dispite being a completely unsuitable birth partner for me and an all round pita)
I'm having a home birth and really need my mil there as she is so valuable.
have thought about suggesting she take the other kids (I like the ;you are the only one I would trust with this job' idea! but I just know she would have her sleeves rolled up down the deep end iykwim making me cringe and going against everything I would want for the birth. (peace,calm space quiet etc)
the prob I have is that mum and mil live in the same town and so would be obvious if mil managed to get there in time but I didnt have a chance to even phone my mum.
I would love to have her there for the other kids and after to help out, but also she is full of good intention but when it comes down to the nitty gritty of looking after them it just doesnt happen.
(I'm staying with her this week for 'a break' what a laugh! I'm much more knackered than normal!
just how do I tell her? If I don't get it right then I will end up falling out with her and my dad (who thinks she is some kind of midwife -more experienced just because she has done it 4 times herself -over 20 years ago)
or jsut forgetting to ring her at the time and putting mil in bad position and being riddled with guily after....
preggerspoppet · 12/04/2007 20:22
I really don't want to fall out with her or hurt her feelings I just know that she will upset the atmosphere for me and put me on edge, just by being in the room.
I'll give you an example if you like of just how gobby she can be....
In the garden today with 3 of her good friends, one had her daughter with her who is due her first baby tomorrow, mum starts telling her all about how painful birth is and about when she had my brother (her first baby) the midwife 'stuck an enema up her arse and shaved her fanny'
I was so mortified, I just don't speak like that, mum is quite middle class but has one heck of a gob-on-her.
She gets so inapprpriate it makes me cringe so badly, I am quite private.
Twiglett · 12/04/2007 20:28
you have to tell her
I'd give her a job .. tell her that you NEED her to look after other kid to get him/her out of the way for the day and she's the only one you trust
leave her in no doubt that you do not want her to be there for the birth that it would inhibit you and make the labour more difficult .. remind her you love her but that its your decision
do it RIGHT NOW
because the longer you wait the worse it will get
lulumama · 12/04/2007 20:30
you must not have any one at the birth if you know , in advance, they will not respect your space, and will be sat watching, giving a runnng commentary...even if that person is your mum!
why not have a doula, and have MIL and mum as your post birth support....?
need to be open and honest with your mum , no point having her there and resenting her presence, or having to start lying...
preggerspoppet · 12/04/2007 20:43
twiglet that really scared me -the RIGHT NOW bit, biut you are right...
she keeps asking me what I am doing (hiding behind laptop)
I'm off the hook for a min because her friend has just phoned.... they will be chatting for a while ...
she does keep asking me to tell her about my birthplan.
we have been on a natal hypnotherapy course and are very excited and feel in control on every level, (other than the obv. even have an indi midwife coming, and mil is a natal hypotherapy practitioner.
she will be so hurt... I have butterflies, but I must just do it
contentiouscat · 12/04/2007 20:47
Its your birth, you have who YOU want there - perhaps she could be nearby so she can be introduced to your new DC as soon as its born? This is too important to you to worry about anyone elses feelings.
Have to say although I know my mum changed my nappies there is no way I would want her looking at my fanjo now im all grown up!!
Loopymumsy · 12/04/2007 20:52
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