to go against MY wishes and have my mum at next birth when she DOES MY HEAD IN

[preggerspoppet]

she was at my first, mil was at my second (my mum was not available at the last minute last time thank goodness)

my mil is exactly the kind of birth partner I need; calming, respectful, knowledgeable etc etc.

my mother is someone who very easilly gets my back up, she is very blunt and outspoken and is convinced that if she was at the birth of my ds2 then things wouldnt have gone so wrong (it wasnt that bad and entirely down to inexperienced mw)

I'm a nurse, (started training 9 years ago) she is a healthcare assistant (started 6 months ago) but she seriously thinks she is florence nightingale.

I'm staying with her for this week, today we had some of her friends over and I overheard her talking to one of them telling her how amasing it is to WATCH your daughter give birth, and how lucky I am to have her be so interested because her mother wasn't.
I can't bare the thought of being WATCHED by anyone, when I have given birth before all I want is to be left alone.

I have never asked her or even hinted that I want her there, she has to travel 1 and half hours to be there and booked annual leave and a hire car just incase she is without her car.

I don't want to offend her but I absolutely don't want her there.

please help!

shall i just show her this thread?

I would be struck off the will by the morning!

good point twig...

me and my mum had a falling out in the run up to the birth of my 2nd, as she said that dd1 had to be given oxygen to help her breathe (which she didn't) She was put in a resussitaire (sp?) as I had gestational diabetes but that was all she had.

Anyway it all blew over in plenty of time.

Is there anyway that you can make the relationship better between the 2 of you? Get your feelings out into the open?

I bet if we did a quick poll, most of us would say we wouldn't want our mothers present when we gave birth. I certainly wouldn't, even though I get on quite well with her generally.

Maybe you've already told her now, but if not, my feeling is it would be best not to enter into discussion. Tell her your decision, even giving a reason or sweetener if you like, expect all kinds of flack but don't argue. Just say "sorry, I've made my decision." even if you have to say it 100 times.

Much as she does my nut in I would love her at the borth cause shes better in a crisis than DH.

I'd hate to have my mother in the room when I give birth. We didn't tell mum I was in labour at all last time, just gave her a call when it was all done and dusted.

Hope the original poster got what she wanted in the end, it's vitally important to be comfortable during labour.

Agnes

I did want my mum there - I needed someone to be awake and give my DH a nudge when the time came!

I only wanted dh at the birth of out 2 dd's. When I was in labour with dd1 my nan visited and in the end dh had to ask her to leave, I just felt uncomfortable with her there.

Personally speaking I was happy to have my Mum at the birth of DD but my sister did my head in. She just turned up at the hospital and marched in like she owned the place.

I got my own back my making her read the paper to me . She then decided a week or so after the birth that I'd gotten milk fever when it was a vaginal infection I'd picked up in hospital . One of these self-professed experts on childbirth, having not even attended a first-aid course.

If I had any more LOs I would probably have to ask my mum or MIL (keeping well away from the business end, as it were) as my bf couldn't cope and I wouldn't like anyone else there unless my DD was old enough to be a birth partner.

My mom came to visit me when I was in labor and I kicked her and my sister out. Mothers don't stop being mothers, and she tried to tell the midwife and the nurse what to do, or how I was feeling, and what I needed. After she left the room felt much lighter. If you don't want her there, don't have her there.

morning folks...

thanks for all the advice.

I didn't get the chance to talk to her last night as she stayed on the phone for hours to a friend and then needed to let off steam afterwards..

quite releived really, I felt ready at one point but am now glad to have had time to reflect on all the advice on here overnight.

I guess I need to chill myself out about it before I go in full steam.

I won't have her there, unless it is to take the other children out, even if needs be overnight.

This could be my last shot at childbirth, I'm really looking forward to it now after doing a lot of hard work gaining confidence which is especially great as last time could have put us off doing it ever again! but that just doesnt involve my mum.

I would be so happy if she would take the others as she really is the best for that job...

she will get over it, maybe one day she might even understand?

I will update.

thankyou all again x

you need to tell her today though .. procrastrintion will not help

anyway she's opened the conversation 'Mum you know you were talking yesterday about the birth .. well we really need you to watch ... '

do it

Not unreasonable in any way!
It is your birth and you should have who you want there.
It sounds like you need to tell her soon so you can relax and enjoy being pregnant, you dont need this kind of stress. If she gets annoyed, just say how much you would appreciate her help and support for when the baby is here etc
Failing that write a letter, sometimes seeing things in black and white helps to spell it out.
Good luck!

Not unreasonable at all.

I loved my mum to bits, but when it came to giving birth, it was me and DH and a midwife - end off.

Tell you mum that both she and MIL have witnessed one GC being born and this time you are looking forward to just you and DH.

Besides which your other two DCs will really need her support and love while mummy is having the new baby.

If your DM is likely to tell your MIL about this, give MIL the heads up on the conversation just in case and so she's not hurt - it's not her fault.

fanks!

Well???? Have you said anything yet?

I'll do you a deal. I'll tell your mum she's on babysitting duty when you go into labour if you tell my neighbour to get her f*ing dog to shut up.

I'm too shy.

So..have you told her?

so sorry girls, am complete wimp haven't said anything yet....

but, I am going to do it either over the phone or in a letter to avoid backing down.

also have def made my mind up for sure that I am not going to give in because I feel sorry for her or want to be kind.

Oi, mumbleschums neighbours dog, SHUT UP!

your turn now

will update as soon as I have something to report, hopefully not in a thread titled 'help me, my mum hates me' !!!

We're all here in a huddle waiting for you!!! Good Luck and remember it's a once in a alifetime thing ( even i you have another it won't be this one!!) so stiff upper lip and tell her straight!