Mum asking how counselling is going

[RangeTesKopeks]

Currently seeing a counsellor.

My mum is aware of this (I probably shouldn't have told her that I started it in the first place).

I'm visiting her at the moment, and she asked me how the counselling is going. I said that I'd prefer not to talk about it. She said that she wanted to know, and she was interested in my life. I got a bit upset, and said it was private and I didn't want to talk about it, especially now that I'm an adult.

I then tried to justify it by saying that it was confidential and private, and then said that I didnt want to have to justify myself. She then told me there was 'no need for me to be so businesslike about it'.

I'm a bit hurt because I don't see why I should have to talk to her about it. It's not really any of her business!!

We do have a good relationship, and she is very supportive and kind. She has actually read my diaries and things in the past, and I just don't really want to share any personal information with her.

Can I ask how old you are Range? and what your normal living arrangements are? How far do you live form your parents and how often do you stay with them?

*not following the instructions

I'm in my mid-twenties Raspberry.

I live far away from my parents normally - they live in southwest England, and I moved to London for a trainee teaching job about a year after university (which was also far away from home). Unfortunately, I resigned from the trainee teaching job last winter (a couple of months into the job) because it made me really anxious and depressed.

I've been tutoring and job-hunting since then. I live in London with some other family members at the moment, but will find a place to rent in London as soon as I find a stable full-time job there - applying for jobs every day at the moment, and have been for quite a few interviews.

I would prefer to stay in London because it's practical in terms of public transport links - I can't drive due to my eyesight (can't read numberplates at the required distance).

I visit my parents every couple of months.

Sounds tough. Sadly the only thing you will be able to do is to stand REALLY firm and have clear boundaries. When you do though, she will get worse, before she (possibly) gets better. You have to be prepared for this.

I suggest you discuss this with your counsellor. A great many of your difficulties would stem from her controlling behaviour and your attempts to deal with it.

Next time she tries to control you because you are 'under her roof', simply remove yourself from being under her roof. Take your bag (make sure it's packed and ready to go) and leave the house, saying 'If these are the conditions which you expect me to live with when staying with you, then I would rather not stay with you.'

Expect shit to hit the fan though, because she will do everything in her power to get you back under control, and it will only be when she realises that she risks losing you completely that she'll back down.

And... sadly, you have to show that you're willing to walk away from her if she doesn't respect your boundaries. If she thinks you won't, then she won't give up.

Thanks Talkin

Well yes calming up and being all dramatic about it will hurt her feelings. Just say ‘yeah great thanks.’ Telling her you were seeing a counsellor and then getting funny when she asks reminds me of those vague FB posts.

head I didn't tell her I was seeing a counsellor. She opened my post, and saw I had an appointment.

She sounds similar to my mother. Tell her nothing. Platitudes. It’s private. I’m happy with how things are going. I’m not going to discuss it with you further.

My mother is and has always been emotionally unavailable. I have done a lot of work on myself. I was ashamed of myself as a toddler and hated myself by the time I was 5. She “can never understand” how I could think like this “because I don’t think about myself, I think of others”. To say, she cannot even accept how I felt about myself, let alone acknowledge that she failed as a parent to teach me self care and self love.

I don’t know if this resonates. I am mid 40’s now. It has taken a very long time to slowly extricate myself from my mother’s grasp. My brother is close with her and they have an odd relationship. He is the golden child and I am the scapegoat. My mother called me demeaning names, was and still is controlling and whacked me round the face when I was 17. There is a lot I cannot forget.

My best advice is to be low contact with her.

You need to learn about boundaries.

Thanks littledragon

I absolutely agree with everything Talkin posted above.

It will be tough, but you need to improve your boundaries with her. And yes, she may well kick off before she tries to hoover you back in.

Can you discuss this in your counselling? Look up tactics and methods to help give you more tools to help deal with her and her treatment of you? How dare she scream at you and call you an ungrateful bitch for not wanting the food you told her you didn’t want her to make!

Thanks everyone.

I also need to really work on my resilience. I feel incredibly insecure, and hugely anxious.

I also feel as if my Mum's behaviour towards me was really confusing and made up of loads of mixed messages. It made me feel like I need to depend on her and must be grateful towards her for everything although she also often tells me off/has told me off in the past for not being independent or self-sufficient enough.

I tend to catastrophise a lot as well. A couple of years ago, I started wondering if this might be because of an undiagnosed mental health condition (I was wondering if I might be autistic or something similar), but I actually think that I feel like this because of my upbringing. I had a pretty isolated upbringing (brought up with a sibling, Dad worked away a lot, and I didn't go to a big school until I was around 8ish).

Moved to lots of different places as a child, and just when I started to feel settled in one place, I was moved to a different school. I went to a different school every two years from when I was around 4 to 18. I never had a say in anything either. Was forced to do an activity of my Mum's choosing every day after school and on weekends until I was around 15. She wouldn't listen when I told her I didn't want to do it anymore. She would swear at me or scream at me when I said I didn't want to do it I don't actually think I had a particularly happy childhood.

When i say 'big school', I mean that a couple of the schools that I went to up until I was 8 had around eight or nine students in them altogether.

I didn't really learn to socialise when I was a child, basically, and didn't mix with that many people.

Boundaries are certainly a key issue. How dare she open your post?

My mum was a SAHM and didn't/doesn't have anyone round or any hobbies, really. It was like she completely separated her pre-children life from her life that she had since having kids.

I think what I really want is to know how the fuck I can get over it all. If I can feel better. I really really hope so.

www.amazon.co.uk/Where-Draw-Line-Healthy-Boundaries/dp/0684868067

Buy yourself this book op. You can get it on kindle or as an actual book.

Your therapy is going to help you to set boundaries, as your mother is trampling over any you try to put in place. "Thanks it's going fine but it's private, so I won't say any more." Would be a fine response. Then change the subject.

Reading your diary and opening your mail is absolutely unacceptable. Discuss with your therapist how to deal with this intrusiveness from your mother.

Maybe don't visit so often for a while. Stick to phone calls and emails. With phone calls you can suddenly hear the doorbell so have to hang up at any moment.

As for the rest of the time, maybe this becoming so important to you (despite having moved away) indicates that it is displacement activity on your part?

Really, with your therapist you should be tackling the problems you have had with work so you can be confident that the next job will be OK. Looking back on your childhood might be a way to avoid looking at the more recent problems, probably subconsciously.

I do think therapy to sort out your parental issues is a good idea but I wonder if right now your focus on it is more about avoidance of other issues.

RunRabbit it sounds like OP has a lot of issues around her upbringing that she needs to talk through in therapy. That doesn't sound like displacement to me. Therapy isn't just about one issue and it's not just about coping strategies for a current situation. It can be for lots of things, it's a dynamic thing.

OP, sounds really tough, and really complicated. Stick at it in therapy.

You might want to come over to the Stately Homes thread. You're not alone :)

You also might want to have a look at some websites and resources about difficult parents. Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. The Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers website. The FOG website. More resources are listed in the Stately Homes thread.

Reparenting basically refers to learning to empathically and loving listen to yourself and love yourself. For some people it's more about learning to listen to themselves and trust themselves, for some people it's about self care, for some people it involves inner child work (connecting with their child self, which might mean role play in therapy, it might mean meditation, it might mean journalling, it might mean having conversations with yourself, it might mean just listening and empathising with the memories that are coming up). It might mean responding to yourself differently, as you would a child - I hear you, I hear you are feeling so angry, that sounds so difficult, I am listening, etc - rather than what you might naturally do for yourself - shut up you're so pathetic etc - all that negative self talk. It's about doing for yourself and your inner the same as you do (or would do if you're not a parent) for your own child. And gradually filling in the gaps of what was not provided for you as a child. Identifying where you have needs and gaps, and learning to fill them for yourself. It's about becoming independent and growing up, as you learn to self-nurture, and gradually letting go of the idea that your parent will provide it, if they are actually not able or not willing to - in that sense it can be a grieving and coming to terms with process. Reparenting is basically just doing it for yourself.

Sorry this is all a bit of a stream of consciousness! I hope there is something in there that is helpful to you.

Keep going, keep posting, you are doing important work :)

Oh and I should say, word of warning. With inner child work, and with any kind of diving into memories work - be careful. Do it with your therapist, and do it when you are in a safe stable place, with lots of coping strategies in place, and a good support network.