Mum asking how counselling is going

[RangeTesKopeks]

Currently seeing a counsellor.

My mum is aware of this (I probably shouldn't have told her that I started it in the first place).

I'm visiting her at the moment, and she asked me how the counselling is going. I said that I'd prefer not to talk about it. She said that she wanted to know, and she was interested in my life. I got a bit upset, and said it was private and I didn't want to talk about it, especially now that I'm an adult.

I then tried to justify it by saying that it was confidential and private, and then said that I didnt want to have to justify myself. She then told me there was 'no need for me to be so businesslike about it'.

I'm a bit hurt because I don't see why I should have to talk to her about it. It's not really any of her business!!

We do have a good relationship, and she is very supportive and kind. She has actually read my diaries and things in the past, and I just don't really want to share any personal information with her.

My mum is used to controlling everyone in the family

Yet, she has done and does do loads of lovely things too. That’s the headfuck.

rescuer and fixer tendencies

Thanks so much everyone.

These posts resonate particularly, as they're similar to my situation.

I think that one of the ways that I've tried to deal with any rejection, guilt, anxiety created from my relationship with my Mum has been through being overly apologetic. She's criticised me for that. I'm not blaming her - just reporting the situation.

I've never really had emotional support from her. A close friend of mine committed suicide in sixth form, and I felt more comfortable to talk to my Dad to talk about it.

This also sound awful, and I would never ever tell my Mum this IRL, but I feel like I could never rely on her. She could manage her time better, and we were always late for everything - school, appointments etc.

Maybe work out a standard script.
'Thanks for asking, I'm finding it really useful. How is X in your life going?'
When she keeps pushing.
'why are you so interested? Are you looking for recommendations for someone to talk too? I can ask my advisor if she can suggest anyone for you?'
'I don't really understand why you are pushing for me to tell you this when I want to keep it private. Why can't you accept that?'
'If you keep on talking about this when I don't want to, then I guess I'll catch up with you next week.'
The first 3 times you walk away are the hardest.

I agree that discussing it with your counsellor may be helpful.

Thanks Justanother and ilove

Also just wanted to add something else. I met someone a couple of months ago who mentioned that she'd had a difficult childhood.

She said that she's still recovering, and that she's finding counselling - in particular, something called the 'onion-skin technique' or something similar (can't remember exactly) - and 're-parenting' very useful.

Does anyone have any experience of either of these please?

Bump.

Anyone?

Bumping.

I've haven't had experience of either of these OP, but maybe my experience may still be helpful to you. My counsellor really helped me to see my mother's behaviour objectively. Like Rainybooo and yourself, my mother does lots of lovely things, in fact to an outsider she would appear unusually kind and generous. But I think she feels that this entitles her to control the family. The counsellor helped me see what was going on - I really hadn't realised it was dysfunctional, it was so deeply ingrained in how my family operated. Once I could see things clearly, it was much easier to set boundaries. And then you can really start to work on yourself.

Thanks Pepper - that's really helpful. Sorry to hear about your experience

Thanks Range, feel I am coming out the other side now. Best of luck to you.

I really feel like my emotional needs weren't met because she didn't know how to meet them this rings a chord with me. Took a long time for me to understand it, but both my parents went to boarding school from aged 8 and I now realise that neither of them had what I would regard as a full time "normal" family life

I think that "re-parenting" is viewed with a lot of scepticism. It's basically about sitting on your therapist's knee pretending to be a baby so you can relive your childhood and make it better. Sounds like a load of rubbish to me

Haven't heard of onion skin technique

WRT the 're-parenting', I've had a look at this website and found it really helpful with the advice that it gives on how to recover from psychological neglect, in particular lonerwolf.com/re-parent-your-inner-child/.

I feel like the reason why my relationship with my Mum is so complicated is because, when I was a child/teenager, there were a lot of mixed messages and a lack of consistency i.e. I would be treated like a child and 'babied' one minute (e.g. she'd lay out my clothes and even come in to wash me) and then treated like an adult the next (particularly in terms of intellectual conversation etc.) She still lays out clothes or buys (her choice of) clothes for me, still fills my plate and gets annoyed if/when I don't finish it(!!!!) and I know it's well meant, but I have to just say to her - thanks, but I'm getting my own clothes. This can offend her loads though.

My parents also don't have a great relationship. My Dad is treated as if he's a child (my mum polices what he drinks), and he gets pissed off and passive aggressive.

It's so fucking awkward over meals. We have nothing to say each other so we just watch TV and don't talk. Or my Mum will just talk and my Dad will sit in silence. I hate it.

Bump.

I also think my Dad's really down. He just drinks to block out everything (only at night). He uses alcohol as a coping mechanism. He's really unhappy.

Bump.

Op stop bumping your thread! People will respond when they get a chance!

allthegood what an unhelpful and incorrect thing to say. If you don't know what reparenting is, don't comment. And you clearly don't.

OP I'll try and come back tomorrow to comment on your stuff.

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reparenting]

According to this, "Typically, reparenting starts with the regression of the client to the child ego state. The therapist accomplishes this by partaking in child-rearing acts such as bottle feeding, lap pillows, and other techniques" and "most of the scientific community gives little support for reparenting theory".

allthegood it isn't just that though - have a read of my link.

Another thing that I find difficult to deal with is when my Mum asks if she can make breakfast/lunch for me and I reply with, thanks I'll sort myself out. She then will make something for me (which I appreciate it) but which is either too much to eat or something I don't like eating. And then she'll scream at me to come and eat it and then call me 'ungrateful', a 'bitch' or similar. I've tried dealing with this by saying the above (i.e. Thanks but I'll sort myself out), and being firm and polite. But it's not working. Not sure how to get around this. It's like my mum doesn't accept I'm an adult, and thinks that while I'm 'under her roof' (when I'm visiting her) she gets to control what I do and when I do it, and thinks I'm rude if I politely refuse.

Most things that my Mum says to me are in the imperative i.e. Don't do this, do this. And it pisses me off.

Or she'll start speaking to me in her native language, KNOWING I don't understand because she never taught me the language apart from a few random phrases. Then she thinks I'm being wilfully disobedient for not following her instructions in the native language (even when I've explained to her, time and time again, that I'm following the instructions because I don't understand what she's saying in the language!!) FFS.