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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that this was inconsiderate and rude?

66 replies

yawning801 · 22/10/2017 12:36

We had some old friends over for dinner last night, for the first time in about fifteen years. When they arrived (fifteen minutes late!), they announced that the husband had a stinking cold! He spent the whole evening blowing his nose (LOUDLY) and sniffing. I've recently been in hospital, so the last thing I need is another cold.

AIBU to think that you should let someone know if you're ill so that you can work out whether to rearrange?

OP posts:

Original poster

yawning801 · 22/10/2017 17:25

Sorry, sorry, sorry! I'm a dripfeeder!

OP posts:

Neolara · 22/10/2017 17:33

In normal circumstances, I would think it extremely odd if someone cancelled or offered to cancel dinner because of a cold. In your circumstances, I think it's odd they didn't offer.

Agree with others that arriving 15 mins late for dinner is more polite than arriving on the dot. As a lot of people (but clearly not everyone) agrees, it might have been wiser to consider they might arrive late and plan timing of food according. Incidentally, 30 mins late would be rude. 15 mins is height of politeness IMO.

overnightangel · 22/10/2017 17:42

OP: Maybe your attitude is why they only visit every 15 years

FluttershysCutieMark · 22/10/2017 17:50

You planned to serve as soon as they arrived? Answer door, take their coats, seat them at table and serve straight away? That's a bit weird, I would expect a 30 minute sit down/chat and drink before being served a meal. But that's maybe just me.

Given the update it would have been better to let you know and let you make the choice but as the other posters have shown, people don't all agree on the severity of a cold.

Moanyoldcow · 22/10/2017 18:45

I would give the host the option to cancel if I felt well enough to go but would always give a heads up.

Plenty of people suffer badly from colds for a wide variety of reasons, not necessarily massive medical issues.

I'm asthmatic. I get a few colds a year like most people and soldier through with the usual stuff but occasionally I'm floored by one and end up on increased meds. It's not unheard of for a bad cold to become bronchitis. I generally avoid 'avoidable' colds for that reason. It won't kill me but I'd just rather not.

CMH123 · 23/10/2017 08:28

It may 'only' be a cold to most people, but I had someone vist me without previously telling me that they had a cold. They turned up with a streaming cold. I had come out of hospital a week before from major abdominal surgery, and ended up being readmitted within a week of the visitor coming - I picked up their cold and pulled part of my laparotomy scar open from coughing and sneezing so much.

A close friend is currently in hospital with pneumonia after someone visited her between her chemo cycles with a cold.

BarbarianMum · 23/10/2017 09:05

I think there is a big difference between having a bit if a cold and having a "stinking" cold (temperature, sneezing, constant nose blowing). First one, you just get on with it. Second, you're infectious so stay home.

SuperDandy · 23/10/2017 09:26

I am well known for avoiding colds and have no shame at all about asking people to avoid me if they have one. Anyone prone to lung trouble or post (or pre) surgery should be avoiding exposure to colds.

Blackadderspants · 23/10/2017 10:03

OP YADNBU

Revolting to turn up with a streaming cold knowing you can pass it on. Nothing worse than snot all over the dinner table.

crazycatlady5 · 23/10/2017 10:07

They probably thought it rude to cancel at such short notice because of a cold.

PandorasXbox · 23/10/2017 10:09

Did you have a nice evening otherwise OP?

whiskyowl · 23/10/2017 10:10

I think you always, ALWAYS let the other party decide.

I'd have rung you in the morning and said "I'm really sorry, I have a dreadful cold. I can still come over - I'd love to, in fact - but I realise you might not want to be in contact with my germs right now, so I'll leave the ball in your court. I'm really sorry, it's awful bad luck that this has happened just now. If we do cancel tonight, I would very much like to catch up properly soon".

whiskyowl · 23/10/2017 10:12

(I was furious last year when we met up with PIL and FIL had a stinking cold. They know my husband has an incredibly full-on job and cannot afford to stop for illness, and that I have a very weak immune system at the moment. They chose not to let us have the option of deciding for ourselves by simply not telling us. Highly anti-social, uncaring and selfish.)

Onwardseveronwards · 23/10/2017 10:39

I agree - rude to cancel yes, but you tell the other person and offer them to reschedule (unless you know you have some incredibly infectious disease and then obviously you just have to insist on cancelling!)

Mittens1969 · 23/10/2017 14:32

15 minutes is a bit late, but not something I’d have a moan on mumsnet about TBH. I do think they should have warned you about the cold though.

LostInShoebiz · 23/10/2017 14:50

Even if it were something unrelated to noses, lungs, throats, etc. to get a cold when you're already taking other medication can be horrible as often you can't take cold and flu medication, might have restricted mobility so painful to sneeze, coughs and so on. Ideally they would have checked with you. Time-wise, unless they live very close by, a 15 minute delay due to traffic is not too bad - not like the couple who were late but had stopped for coffee on the way.

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