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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not feel guilty about man kicked out of pub?

73 replies

sailorcherries · 21/10/2017 22:09

Disclaimer - I'm drunk.

I've been out with family and friends (women only) for a birthday, drinking since 3pm (so this may have clouded my judgement).

I'm 24 and my sister is 21. Since we arrived a man had been trying to dance with my sister, despite her not wanting to or engaging. He was grabbing her hips etc.

Later on he grabbed her and kisses her cheek, despite her not wanting this, and then kept pulling her hair whilst she was dancing.

Now this mab was about 60 odds and my sister was not reciprocating his advances.

We stood outside the bar for air (sister and me) and she mentioned the hair pulling. Until this time I had no idea. The bouncer overheard and was furious! He asked mely sister to point him out and she didn't want to (out of fear of repercussions). My sister then went inside and the bouncer spoke to me and I pointed out this man after his behaviour. The bouncer then removed him from the bar due to his inappropriate advances and behaviour.

My sister was a bit embarrassed about the whole ordeal and annoyed with me for getting the man removed. Aibu for speaking to the bouncer and describing this mans inappropriate actions which resulted in him being removed from the bar?

OP posts:

user1497357411 · 23/10/2017 06:43

i too am surprised at the many posters who will use this occasion to talk about age discrimination. You are misunderstanding on purpose solely to abuse OP. Please stop that. Both on this thread and on other threads. It is very annoying when people are making a posts and then other posters grab on to one single word and want to change the conversation to be about that word.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2017 06:47

I think you should use this experience to have a very serious talk with your sister. She needs to know that she should NEVER tolerate a man touching her when she doesn't want him to. His age is irrelevant, the setting is irrelevant, and she should not have to say no twice. Fuck being "nice" and fuck making excuses for someone's disgusting behaviour.

ToastyFingers · 23/10/2017 07:09

Anyone who thinks age is irrelevant has clearly never been a young woman harassed by a man much older than them.

It is much easier to defend yourself against the unwanted advances of your peers, but there's a definite 'silly girl, respect your elders' element to being harassed by a man much older than you.

claraschu · 23/10/2017 07:24

I agree with StealthPolarBear " It feeds into the myth that if the man is young and good looking (eg footballer) she probably wants it,"

I also agree that it is annoying to pick on an OP for not being totally correct in every way.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 23/10/2017 07:32

Why did you post?

Who in the world would have said that your sister should have put up with that and that you should have not said anything?

JonSnowsWhore · 23/10/2017 08:19

Why did you post?

Who in the world would have said that your sister should have put up with that and that you should have not said anything?

Because it’s a public forum & she can post what she likes? Why does anyone post anything on here? I post a lot of shit on here because I’m bored & fancy talking to people, maybe OP feels a bit stressed about the whole thing happening to her sister & wanted some people to talk to.

OP i don’t know why people are making the age thing an issue, that’s totally the wrong thing for people to focus on when you’ve posted about a woman being harassed & grabbed inappropriately. Glad they got rid of him so he wasn’t able to grab her any more!

pigeondujour · 23/10/2017 08:27

Who in the world would have said that your sister should have put up with that and that you should have not said anything?

Her sister who is annoyed at her as mentioned in the OP, maybe?

OhOurBilly · 23/10/2017 09:11

Fuck that. Yanbu. Dh is a bouncer and doesn't put up with this kind if shit either. I worked in clubs for years and it is horrendous how many men feel absolutely and completely entitled to grab you and then be abusive/gobsmacked when they're told to fuck off.

SilverSpot · 23/10/2017 09:37

Bouncer was great.

Shame your sister doesn't have the confidence to tell him to FUCK OFF and go find the bounder herself. She shouldn't feel bad about the dirty old perv. (and yes, 60 is well old when in the context of a something girl)

BlackForestCake · 23/10/2017 10:02

Getting thrown out of a pub is hardly a severe punishment. The bloke will be just fine. It’s not like you’re having him sent down for five years. Don’t give it a moment’s thought.

ReanimatedSGB · 23/10/2017 16:23

His age is irrelevant. if the OP's sister had thought him a charming, attractive older man that she was happy to chat to and dance with that would have been nobody else's business. It was the fact that he was a pest who wouldn't go away that made it a problem. HIS behaviour was a problem, no one else's.

TammyswansonTwo · 23/10/2017 17:20

People aren't criticising the inclusion of the age because it's ageist. They're criticising the idea that this sort of behaviour from any man regardless of age or level of attractiveness. This is why men get away with assaulting women in environments like this all the time if they don't look like a stereotypical dirty old man.

Of course it was the right thing to do - very glad the bouncer stepped in. In my student days I accidentally (honest) broke a guy's nose in a club - I was at the bar, and from nowhere there was suddenly a hand up my skirt and inside my pants. My self-defence classes reflex kicked in and I struck up and out with my elbow before I could even think. Whoops. Bet he's never done that again, the nasty little fucker (and yes he was in his 20s, but not very attractive once his nose was broken).

Original poster

sailorcherries · 23/10/2017 22:10

Actually had he been a twenties something guy I'd have mentioned that too, to give a better description. The age was relevant because his age was part of the reason my sister felt uncomfortable.

She was uncomfortable as she had no interest in this man because he was 40+ years older. She probably also felt intimidated by someone who she perceived to be 'more grown up'.
Had she shown interest in a younger man who then took it too far I'd have mentioned her talking to someone who looked her age and then x/y/z as to what happened.

Someones looks and age do not detract from their behaviour however looks and age do play a part in one persons attraction to, and interaction with, another.

OP posts:

Original poster

sailorcherries · 23/10/2017 22:11

And yes. Had he been a charming, older man my sister wanted to dance the night away I'd still mention his bloody age although wouldn't be posting this thread.

Thank you to everyone who replied x

OP posts:

Arealhumanbeing · 23/10/2017 22:38

YANBU.

Bouncers chuck them out these days then?

They used to join in.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 24/10/2017 07:42

Being aged 60+ of course is a factor in feeling uncomfortable. If a 60 year old male friend started coming on to your granddaughter I think most people would feel uncomfortable.

Fluffysparks · 24/10/2017 09:04

Oh ffs no, the age is not particularly relevant, but if you’re all going to be picky like that then neither is the establishment, the gender of the sister, the fact she is OP’s sister etc. Honestly why are you having a go at OP over a bit of info she gave in the title?

Anymajordude · 24/10/2017 09:17

Actually I think the age is a bit relevant. It puts him immediately in the creepy old guy bracket not the possible future friend or partner territory if he'd been in her age group.

Arealhumanbeing · 24/10/2017 11:04

Who in the world would have said that your sister should have put up with that and that you should have not said anything?

Have you been in the world recently or at all?

The answer is a lot. A lot of people would think that. Many of them female.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 24/10/2017 11:05

Area On MN - the target audience of the post?

Have you seen anyone say that this is all perfectly fine and should be accepted here?

Belleoftheball8 · 24/10/2017 11:13

Well done op I had a bloke grab me inbetween my legs in a nightclub as I was walking past. I was mortified so I grabbed his arm twisted it and told him If he ever so much touched me again I would rip his balls off and stuff them in his mouth, he was kicked out. This type of behaviour should not be accepted.

Arealhumanbeing · 24/10/2017 11:35

CauliflowerSqueeze

No. But the question was, ‘who in the world’ not, who on the thread or MN.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 24/10/2017 11:41

Ahh ok. I will rephrase that then “who in the whole of MN would think that”

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