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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not feel guilty about man kicked out of pub?

73 replies

sailorcherries · 21/10/2017 22:09

Disclaimer - I'm drunk.

I've been out with family and friends (women only) for a birthday, drinking since 3pm (so this may have clouded my judgement).

I'm 24 and my sister is 21. Since we arrived a man had been trying to dance with my sister, despite her not wanting to or engaging. He was grabbing her hips etc.

Later on he grabbed her and kisses her cheek, despite her not wanting this, and then kept pulling her hair whilst she was dancing.

Now this mab was about 60 odds and my sister was not reciprocating his advances.

We stood outside the bar for air (sister and me) and she mentioned the hair pulling. Until this time I had no idea. The bouncer overheard and was furious! He asked mely sister to point him out and she didn't want to (out of fear of repercussions). My sister then went inside and the bouncer spoke to me and I pointed out this man after his behaviour. The bouncer then removed him from the bar due to his inappropriate advances and behaviour.

My sister was a bit embarrassed about the whole ordeal and annoyed with me for getting the man removed. Aibu for speaking to the bouncer and describing this mans inappropriate actions which resulted in him being removed from the bar?

OP posts:
Original poster
sailorcherries · 21/10/2017 22:51

And thank you everyone. I pointed her in the direction of the #metoo campaign and told her to take a look at the stories and experiences of these women and then decide whether she felt guilty.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 21/10/2017 22:58

What's relevant is she wasn't interested. That's all.
The age isn't relevant.
He sounds horrid though. Yuck.

ChickaaaaannDipppaaaaassss · 21/10/2017 22:59

I've got zero tolerance for this bullshit.
That guy would have been told to fuck off the moment I felt uncomfortable.
That said. I once got kicked out of a nightclub for punching a bloke in the face who thought it was appropriate to squeeze my arse so hard it left marks. I hadn't even made eye contact with the dickhead.
Not my proudest moment...

midnightmisssuki · 21/10/2017 23:03

he pulled her hair?! of course YANBU.

Wolfiefan · 21/10/2017 23:04

Chick I once proper belted a bloke who grabbed a handful! Shock
I was much younger and slimmer and dancing in a club. I had my back to this person and had no idea someone was that close to me. Then he grabbed me. I whipped round and fucking walloped him. Blush I wouldn't advocate thumping people but I was so shocked.
Wasn't me who got thrown out!
Wonder if this idiot does the same every weekend? How many woman have been subjected to this?
And re your sister. HIS actions got HIM thrown out. No guilt on her part obviously.

NoKidsTwoCats · 21/10/2017 23:04

ChickaaaaannDipppaaaaassss ugh. Did he get to stay, though?

I don't know what it is about a certain type of man in clubs. I'm no stunner but I've had to physically SHOVE men away from me in clubs who haven't accepted it when I've said 'I'm not interested, thanks'. I guess this is one of those #MeToo moments.

MycatsaPirate · 21/10/2017 23:13

Of course you did the right thing. The bouncer sounds brilliant.

I am now nearing 50 but in my younger days would regularly be the target of unwanted attention. Two occasions that stand out, once standing leaning against a wall waiting for my mate to come back from the bar, this guy walks over puts his hands either side of my head against the wall. I try to duck down but he moved so then he leans in and tries to stick his tongue down my throat. I spat a mouthful of drink in his face.

Another guy grabbed me on the dance floor once, I can't actually remember where he grabbed me but remember feeling so enraged I punched him in the face and knocked him on the floor. He was thrown out.

Your sister needs to learn how to say that actually, that behaviour is not acceptable and to speak out.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/10/2017 23:15

I've had a man thrown out of a club for pestering me, as well. (And I felt silly and awkward and as though I was 'making a fuss' though he was absolutely creeping me out; following me round and asking really rude, nosy, inappropriate questions.)
YANBU at all and nor was the bouncer.

GeillisTheWitch · 21/10/2017 23:16

Dirty old perv. Hope that's him barred from that establishment for life. You were right to point him out to security.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 21/10/2017 23:18

Good for you. If he’d done that to my sister he’d have got a kick in the nuts, he should count himself lucky Grin

KrytensNanobots · 21/10/2017 23:19

Any man groping you, or merely touching you or dancing with you when you don't want them to is definitely classed as unwanted attention or abuse depending on severity.
Definitely call it out.

Originalfoogirl · 21/10/2017 23:22

*Nokidstwocats"
"Why should anyone get away with what is basically sexual harassment?"

Keep up - it's apparently ok if you are young and close in age to the person you are doing it to. Only if you are 40+ years older is it a horrible thing to do.

Original poster
sailorcherries · 21/10/2017 23:27

Original no that's not what I said, but if you want to put words in my mouth then please continue.

Had my sister said "oh this guy is fit, he's dancing with me and grabbing my hair etc" as much as I might not find it appropriate, or pleasant, she is happy with it because it's someone she might see as a partner.

When she says "this old man keeps harraasing me and he's older than dad" then I will mention age.

Had a younger man harrassed her I'd of said 'a man of twenty' or so on.

OP posts:
Original poster
sailorcherries · 21/10/2017 23:28

And by happy with it I don't mean sexual harassment but his actions, as they differ depending on circumstances.

OP posts:
SierraFerrara · 21/10/2017 23:29

Good job bouncer

ChickaaaaannDipppaaaaassss · 21/10/2017 23:29

NoKids, Yep. He stayed.
I was 21 years old and pushing 8 stone. I hit him so hard he was on the deck.
I never justify violence, but my god, he pushed it.
The bouncers told me I was 'too drunk' to stay in the club. Funny really, I was out with my 56 year old mother for a work party!
He came up behind me, pulled up my skirt and squeezed my arse.

Merida83 · 21/10/2017 23:32

The bouncer did the right thing absolutely!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/10/2017 23:32

Bouncer sounds amazing. I am genuinely cheered by their actions.

You really shouldn't think that a fit young bloke pulling your sister's hair is a good thing though.

Original poster
sailorcherries · 21/10/2017 23:38

As I said I mentioned their age because their age was part of the reason my sister was uncomfortable. Had he been younger and my sister interested then she may have been more open to/reciprocated advances. His age was part of the harrassment as it was part of the reason she wanted nothing to do with it.

If he had been younger I would of mentioned a younger guy who happened to think he was hitting it off.

The age is not the deciding factor but did contribute to my sister's uncomfortableness.

I too am impressed with the bouncer's response.

OP posts:
RabbitSaysWoof · 21/10/2017 23:49

I think the age of the man is relevant. At the op's sisters age I worked in a pub, I got a lot of attention. It was always easier to brush off someone my age that I wasn't interested in. I don't know why I felt less intimidated.
That's not condoning a 20 year old pest as acceptable, but it may have made the op's sister less able to stand up to him herself if he's in her eyes old.

tillytown · 22/10/2017 01:54

Op, ignore the people who are more outraged that you dared mention someone's age, then they are about yet another man harassing a woman.

StealthPolarBear · 23/10/2017 05:58

It feeds into the myth that if the man is young and good looking (eg footballer) she probably wants it

pigeondujour · 23/10/2017 06:25

I absolutely don't believe that anyone could see or read a man of 60 harassing a girl in her twenties and not think the respective ages add to the overall picture of the dynamic.

jeaux90 · 23/10/2017 06:35

Chickaaan Confused that's awful!

OP well done to you and the bouncer for not putting up with that kind of shit.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 23/10/2017 06:40

Seriously people focus on the issue!

Classic derailing. Not only does the victim have to be perfect in her response to the harassment but the recounting of the harassment has to be rendered in perfect politically correct, non-ageist prose.

For god’s sake. Of course YANBU. Your sister may be embarrassed but that is because she has been trained to not make a fuss.

If HW has taught us anything it’s that we must all make a noise to wipe that shit out.

Oh, and well done you and that bouncer. He gets it.

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