What would YOU think about my OH's behaviour?

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Sorry this may be a bit long. think I already know what I should do about this,but I'm just asking for MNer's opinions. There are 3 issues in question here.
My OH (I can't even bring myself to call him DP any more) went back to his home country in Africa nearly 4 weeks ago to visit his family,for the first time in nearly 18 years. He said he was going for one month,so he would have been due back this coming week. I spoke to him on the phone this Monday just gone,and he kindly informed me that he will be staying for 3 months,not one,and will be back about a week and a half before christmas. He swears that it was a 'spur of the moment' decision,not pre-planned. I have my doubts. I was upset enough about him going for a month,so my gut feeling is that he knew it was for 3 months,but didn't tell me because he knew it would upset me even more. I just feel so let down and pissed off about it all. I was so looking forward to his return then he drops this bombshell.
The other issue is his behaviour prior to him going away. He had told me back in August that he was planning on going,he just wasn't sure at that stage exactly when it would be. I accepted this,but said could he please give me a bit of advance warning and not drop it on me at a minutes notice (he has form for being a bit of a last minute merchant). He assured me he would. Anyway,he turns up round at my place on the evening of the 18th September and says he's going on the 21st! As if this wasn't bad enough,he then asked me for all his clothes so he could get packed. I said that a lot of his stuff was in the dirty washing,they wouldn't be washed and dried until the following evening,thanks to him not giving me enough notice. He had the nerve to grumble about this,saying he had told me he was going. I said yes,he HAD told me he was going,but not exactly when.
I have since also found out that I'm pretty certain that he's lied to me about which airport he flew from. i.e. that he went from our local airport which is literally a 15 minute bus journey from where I live,even though he said he was going from an airport which is about 30 miles away,and impossible for me to get to on public transport (I am without a car at the moment).He said that if he had been going from our local one,I could have gone with him to see him off,but that it wasn't practical from the one he was actually going from. Out of curiosity,a couple of days after he left,I looked up online which flight he'd taken. I knew which airline it was and he had said it was a direct flight with no stopovers. But no direct flights operate from that particular airport to where he was going. In fact there were no flights to the particular airport he was going to,on that day,full stop. So I've come to the conclusion that he DID actually go from the local one,but told me otherwise to put me off going with him. Now,if he hadn't wanted me to go with him for whatever reason, (hating goodbyes etc) I would have accepted it. But why lie about it? I have not said anything to him about this during our phone calls,but it is bugging me. I feel like he has told me lie after lie. What would you think? And what would you say/do when you saw him? We've been together for 2 years and 7 months.

Sounds like he has another family in Africa, I would not trust him at all, he lies, what else has he lied about!

He could be doing anything with anyone. The only thing you really know is that he's a liar. You cannot trust him. I too am thinking he has a family tucked away somewhere.

Stop taking his calls. If you have anything of his in our home, chuck in bin bags and dump with his cousin.

Move on OP. Regardless would you want to be with with someone who thinks it's ok to just go 'yeah, 3 months, not 1' over the phone?

I think he's got a wife and kids over there op

What a shitty way to treat someone. I'm sorry OP x

Doesn’t sound like he wants to be with you op, cut your losses

I’d let it go myself, seems dodgy as hell

All white English men are perfect, never have affairs or do the dirty on anyone and of course no white man has ever, ever, ever expected a woman to do his washing. I'm in a mixed marriage, 40 years on have never had reason to suspect my husband has been up to no good. Alot of racism on here.

grannytomine I was only repeating my friend's experience , and I don't think you can overlook that some different cultures/religions treat women differently.

But the OP said he hadn't been back to Africa in 18 years. Assuming that is true, I'm struggling to see what kind of family he can have sired in that time.

Lonicera you weren't the only one and don't you think it is a bit strange to assume that because his skin is a certain tone you can make judgements about his morals or culture. My husband is Roman Catholic and is often accused of being a Muslim terrorist based purely on his skin tone. If a man is behaving badly that reflects on him, not every one with the same physical features.

It's quite possible that he has another relationship here rather than Africa, hence only seeing OP once or twice a week. Have you ever met the cousin OP, or been to his place? I'd assume he's gone abroad with someone else and likely isn't coming back.

Errrr. Do you think he's lost his job? 1 month off work would be doable with notice (I note you said there was little to no notice) but to turn it into three months while away? No. I have a very flexible job and employer and there would be no way this could happen without some extenuating circumstances. Like a birth, death or marriage. You can't just extend a holiday to 3 months!

Clearly he's lost his job. And if he hadn't lost it before he left he will certainly have lost it now.

Lots of racist comments on here which is quite shocking. His behaviour might be explained by any number of things and not be down to any of the conspiracy theories. He might have believed that 2 days WAS advance notice. He might have wanted to avoid a big scene given how much he knew you would be upset. Flights are often cheaper from Gatwick than Heathrow. He may have planned one month then something happened and he felt he needed to stay for longer maybe to help sort out some family issues that he was not aware of as he has not been home for 18 years. If this is the case work may have granted extended leave. He may have planned 4 months in advance from work and asked for a sabbatical. Some employers allow this especially if you are really good at your job and they don't want to lose you. He may not have told you as he knew you would be really upset and genuinely thought this way would be better. Really you don't know what the truth is at all and can make up all sorts of theories. Maybe you need to have a long hard look at the relationship before he 2ent away. Was it based on respect and equality? Was it caring and loving and healthy? Did you trust him? Were you happy? If so then you need to just ask him directly why he left in the way he did and explain how it has made you feel. If the relationship i's genuine then you may get satisfactory answers. But I am getting a strong sense that it was not a healthy relationship in the first place which is why you do not trust him and are prepared to believe all the worst case scenarios that have been presented here. I wonder if you have not felt comfortable in the relationship and this behaviour has confirmed some of your existing beliefs. Maybe talk to your DD and other friends to get a more clear view of the situation before jumping to conclusions about wives and illegal activity. Best of luck. I hope you find the answers that you are looking for.

Men from all cultures cheat! However, within certain cultures, a husband and wife living apart is quite common and not seen as unusual...this would give far more opportunities for a man to stray.

Everyone saying he has got someone pregnant or has another family in Africa - way to jump to conclusions! Either way tho OP I think you deserve better than someone who comes round for a night on the weekend while you feed him up and do his washing - hugs to you x

OP how are you feeling, it must be difficult to read some of these comments. What do you think about everything now, did you call his work as pp suggested?

Okeydokeygirl.....its ridiculous to say its racist when all some of us ha e said is point out that in the African/Caribean culture it is common for men to have multiple partners. Its not a racist comment at all. Would it be racist to say some Arab cultures allow multiple marriages? No..it just is something are allowed to do.

I have spoken to my friends ex who is from Ghana and he explained its what is common for them. Men have multiple partners, rarely live with just one of them.....and the women are mostly fine with this because its the way it is out there. It becomes an issue where a foreign way of life is adopted in the UK....those like my friend who although is half African has necee been brought up with African values. She went to a private school...straw boater hat and blazers etc...she had an African father and a Christian Arabic mother....she went into her first relationship with an African (against her father's wishes and advice because HE himself said African men disrespect women) and she unfortunately married an African who did have multiple partners but hadn't told her this.

I am not saying ALL African men treat women like this but like it or not, part of the culture in Africa is that's is perfectly normal and accepted to have multiple partners. To say its racist is political nonsense.

He won't be back unless he needs money. Likely has other women there

I think he's as dodgy AF!

Lots of racist comments on here which is quite shocking. OK then this instead. IMHO I think that the leap from some pretty rubbish and unexplained behaviour by OPS OH to all the theories about him having wives and children/arranged marriage planned/be involved in illicit or illegal activity/only wants OPs money is quite a huge leap made by a number of posters in relation to him being African. Whilst I do get that many African cultures have very different attitudes towards women and marriage,we really do not know what OP''s OH beliefs are. He has been in UK for 18 years and may well not have same beliefs as his home country. We really do not have that info about him to be making those kinds of assumptions about why he has done what he has. He might just be a colossal dick and wanted to avoid confrontation. Or there could be some very simple explanations which is why I suggested to OP to look back at the relationship prior to him leaving for any clues. I agree that there were some elements that were unusual e.g the paying for dinners to be cooked and doing his washing,but as a PP said this may have been a mutually beneficially arrangements based on the OPS finances. I am not sure how helpful it is to the OP to make such wild declarations that he definitely must be married! They are possibilities but not the only ones.

Two things stick out for me:

• were you ever asked to accompany him? You have been together for a while now - I would have expected at least a suggestion that you join him for a week or something.
• who on earth can randomly get 3 months off work?

Call his work OP - see what they say.