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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not invite BIL to our wedding?

72 replies

Frouby · 21/10/2017 12:15

We get married next year. Small venue with service and a meal followed by disco and a buffet. Around 50 for day, up to 120 for night.

I have a large family. Bil is my sisters husband. I can not stand him. Neither can my dp. Nor can my other sister. He is a complete and utter knobhead.

He and my dsis split up about 2 years ago after he cheated on her. She left him, made a new life for her and the dcs. Dnephew is currently going through a tough time. He is being assessed for ADHD and some other stuff. Bil has been involved and as a consequence of dnephews problems dsis has agreed to try again.

I think she is making a massive mistake. But it's absolutely her choice.

Bil and dsis still live separately. They are on again, off again, on again, off again.

If I invite him he will be loud and obnoxious and lairy for the whole day. He will get drunk, be rude to people and try and be the centre of attention. He is like an overgrown toddler hyped up on haribo and overtired.

I really don't want him to come. But as mu dsis 'd' h I have to invite him don't I?

They are currently on again. If I didn't have to get everyone elses invitations out I would wait until they were off again, then send her an invite.

Please tell me some weird wedding etiquette thing that means you don't have to invite cheating bastard bils as it's bad karma or something.

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 22/10/2017 10:34

I wouldn’t chance inviting him and it seems highly likely that he’ll piss lots of people off. I’m guessing your dsis will be on edge all day waiting for him to show her up if he’s there.

I think it’s a good idea to talk to your dsis, explain the situation and tell her he would be invited to the evening (when you’ll have beefy backup!)

Hope it goes ok

Original poster

Frouby · 27/10/2017 09:11

Sorry only just back to this thread. It was my 40th sunday and I got tied up in stuff.

Am going to speak to my other sister today about it all and sound her out. She is closer than me to other sister (tho not as close now she has deliberately moved away) and see what she thinks is the best way to broach it.

Am tempted to write invitations out for everyone except immediate family, then write them out for immediate family minus knobhead and just hand them out as soon as they are in an off moment.

OP posts:

KimmySchmidt1 · 27/10/2017 09:29

Not really up to you to control who your sister brings as her plus one is it?

But if you are worried about anyone's behaviour, I suggest a quiet word while wearing your wedding dress - you'd be amazed how people fall into line when they are being told off by a bride.

pantrylightout · 27/10/2017 09:35

This is your day. Maybe tell sister that all planning was done before they got back together. She may even be glad that hes not going. You will hopefully look back on the memories for a long time. Do you really want to be remembering him being a knob all day, I think not.

Original poster

Frouby · 27/10/2017 10:20

Err kimmy when I am doing the invitations it is! When we are paying it is. And I don't have to give a +1 either. A couple of close friends with either a new dp or no dp aren't getting +1s.

When we are limited on numbers I am not bumping people off who I want to be there in favour of random people I don't know or know well.

OP posts:

Original poster

Frouby · 27/10/2017 10:22

And he would take absolutely no notice of me and am not sure why I would be tracking down people to warn them about their behaviour while in a wedding dress. There may be the odd hard stare to my own dcs if necessary but not 40 odd year old blokes.

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 27/10/2017 10:25

If I invite him I will be on edge all day. If I don't at best dsis will be mildly offended, possibly majorly offended. And bil will be furious

Seriously do you your memories of your big day being ruined because you were on edge all day?

Hisnamesblaine · 27/10/2017 11:06

And this is why I don't think I'll ever marry. (Been engaged 10 years) I despite my fiances brother. He's hateful sod who lives to wind people up. The thought of him not only being there but being best man who make my skin crawl. Good job I ain't fussed about marriage itself

Birdsgottafly · 27/10/2017 11:33

Just invite your Sister.

We are in a similar position with one of my Son-In=laws, we have made it clear that until they are together again fully for six months, then family events don't include him.

We mix occasionally with him and that will be the judge of how he behaves and if there is an improvement.

I don't like that we have to do that, but he doesn't give a shit who he offends and upsets.

"If I invite him I will be on edge all day. If I don't at best dsis will be mildly offended, possibly majorly offended. And bil will be furious"

Your Sister has just got to get on with your decision and he can do one, it was his fuck up that caused this. It doesn't sound as though either of them understands the impact of their mess on wider family and he should be working hard to be allowed back in.

Original poster

Frouby · 27/10/2017 14:04

He doesn't understand at all. He doesn't understand the impact his behaviour has had on dsis or his ds.

His ds has been expelled from school, has been suspended from a pru and is currently undergoing assessments for various issues. He had problems before admittedly but since the split and the on/off relationship of his parents his problems have gotten significantly worse.

My dnephew is another reason I don't want to invite bil. Dnephews behaviour is much worse when he is around. I completely understand that dn doesn't do it deliberately and he is a child with problems but his df won't help him control himself at all.

Have spoke to other dsis today. She reckons it's going to cause problems not inviting him. But agrees it's best I don't. She reckons Christmas will be a good time to hand out invitations as they are usually off over Christmas due to bil not wanting to contribute financially to dnephews presents etc and due to him spending a lot of time drunk looking for a row. Am going to formally invite dsis and dnephew then with an invitation with only their names on it. Explain I am not doing +1s due to space restrictions and only those couples living together will be getting an invite.

It's all I can do really.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 27/10/2017 14:15

My God.

The trouble one fucking knobhead creates.

I really hope that you don't invite him and when the feathers start to ruffle you say

'No I'm not inviting him. Because I bloody can't stand him. He causes nothing but trouble and I would feel anxious having him there. I don't intend to invite him as he's 'family' because he doesn't act like it - he shows no care, no loyalty and he actively works against supporting his own child. If it causes an issue with DSis then all I can say is that if this shows him, finally, that the rest of us DO NOT WANT TO PUT UP WITH HIS SHIT ANY MORE then great. If DSis breaks up with him again because of this then even better. He is a leech and a troublemaker and an all-round shit, everyone knows it and maybe if we all SAY IT then he will FUCK OFF FOREVER!!!'

Butterymuffin · 27/10/2017 14:23

He is vile. He makes my skin crawl to even look at him.

You can't invite someone you feel like this about to your wedding. Just no.

DarthMaiden · 27/10/2017 14:30

I wouldn’t invite him.

By the sounds of it he’s spent years behaving appallingly at various family functions and there is no reason to suppose he’ll behave at your wedding.

Your sister knows this. She frankly can’t expect that even though she’s willing to put up with him, that the rest of her family should - especially at such an important (and expensive) event.

She (nor anyone else) should think her or his feelings on this top trump your right to have a wedding day free from the anticipation of drama and embarrassment. Neither should other guests have to be put on “high alert” to act as bouncers if he gets out of hand.

Frankly it sounds like everyone in the family should stop appeasing and enabling this idiot. Ban him from all family events. Show him his actions have consequences. Maybe it might even give your sister a reality check about the choices she’s making in maintaining a relationship with such an unpleasant person.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/10/2017 14:36

Stick by not inviting him, he will ruin your special day and you can never get that back. Just because she keeps taking him back and accepting his behaviour, does not mean you have to. If she sides with him, inwod distance myself from her.

Stargirl82 · 27/10/2017 14:43

Can the hairy arsed builders be on stand by if he decides to turn up anyway regardless of not being invited?

troodiedoo · 27/10/2017 14:43

Please don't invite him. Yes it will cause problems for people either way, but it's your special day so let someone else have thf problems while you try to relax and enjoy it.

Your sister will be offended because it's a reminder that she's married to a twat, and she's probably spent a lot of time telling herself he's not that bad.

Worst case scenario is that your sister won't come without him, so think whether you would rather have both or none of them if push comes to shove.

Original poster

Frouby · 27/10/2017 14:52

I don't think he will turn up if not invited. I hope not anyway. But hairy arsed builders will be on standby anyway.

He won't argue with them. They are big lads, won't take no shit and will quietly and with minimum fuss escort him out.

If he isn't invited then there is no reason for him to even know the venue to be honest. I will ask dsis to not tell him. She can tell him what she wants. It's not a venue we have used as a family before or even anywhere local to where I live. I didn't even realise they did weddings so hopefully neither will he.

My other, very lovely dsis who hates him as much as me agrees that using my younger sister as an excuse is a valid one too.

I love my family. I love being 1 of 6. But sometimes it's hard work.

OP posts:

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 27/10/2017 15:07

Your sister has made the unwise decision to be in a relationship with this oaf.
You have made the wise decision that you don't want any sort of familial relationship with him, so don't invite him.

People who are incapable of behaving like decent civilised human beings don't deserve wedding invitations

DarthMaiden · 27/10/2017 15:32

I don’t think you need an excuse.

People like your BIL spend a lifetime not caring who they embarrass, offend and upset.

Yet when the tables and they feel slighted in some way (usually in direct response to their behaviour) are turned they simple ooze indignation and disgust that they are being treated inappropriately.

It’s partly why they tend to get away with it, because the repercussions of “upsetting” them seem to be worse that sucking up their bad behaviour. It’s just a viciously cycle though, the only way forward is to disengage and let the cards fall where they may.

DarthMaiden · 27/10/2017 15:38

I don’t think you need an excuse.

People like your BIL spend a lifetime not caring who they embarrass, offend and upset.

Yet when the tables and they feel slighted in some way (usually in direct response to their behaviour) are turned they simple ooze indignation and disgust that they are being treated inappropriately.

MargaretTwatyer · 27/10/2017 15:43

I think it's perfectly acceptable not to invite somebody because they'll be drunk and nasty and also perfectly acceptable to tell them that's the reason why.

Motoko · 27/10/2017 19:44

Don't invite him and if anyone complains, say what Fizzy suggested.

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