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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not invite BIL to our wedding?

72 replies

Frouby · 21/10/2017 12:15

We get married next year. Small venue with service and a meal followed by disco and a buffet. Around 50 for day, up to 120 for night.

I have a large family. Bil is my sisters husband. I can not stand him. Neither can my dp. Nor can my other sister. He is a complete and utter knobhead.

He and my dsis split up about 2 years ago after he cheated on her. She left him, made a new life for her and the dcs. Dnephew is currently going through a tough time. He is being assessed for ADHD and some other stuff. Bil has been involved and as a consequence of dnephews problems dsis has agreed to try again.

I think she is making a massive mistake. But it's absolutely her choice.

Bil and dsis still live separately. They are on again, off again, on again, off again.

If I invite him he will be loud and obnoxious and lairy for the whole day. He will get drunk, be rude to people and try and be the centre of attention. He is like an overgrown toddler hyped up on haribo and overtired.

I really don't want him to come. But as mu dsis 'd' h I have to invite him don't I?

They are currently on again. If I didn't have to get everyone elses invitations out I would wait until they were off again, then send her an invite.

Please tell me some weird wedding etiquette thing that means you don't have to invite cheating bastard bils as it's bad karma or something.

OP posts:

TunnelofLove485 · 21/10/2017 13:17

Op people like him get through life by choosing to associate with tolerant, polite people who won’t want to stir things up. You need to be assertive. There is nothing wrong with not inviting him and telling him why. Yes he might make other party’s tricky but they would be anyway! I would tell your sister that you love her and support her in the decisions she has made in her life. That you will always love and support no matter what. However it is her that you will support, not him and he is not invited because of his previous behaviour. If she is offended, I would simply say that it really hurts you that this hurts her but your wedding day is the only day where you can dictate who will be there. If she refuses to come you tell her that her invite will still stand and you love her. She might not come. But I bet anything that she isn’t completely blind to his behaviour and will, deep down, understand why you have said no. Good luck!

Hassled · 21/10/2017 13:22

But do you have to actually send physical formal invites to close relatives? I didn't bother - my brother assumed he was coming, I assumed he was coming, he didn't need an embossed card. So get your invites out to those who need them, don't bother with close family, and nearer the time see how the land lies - at that stage you can say to DSIS (who hopefully will have come to her senses by then anyway) that you don't want BIL there.

MotherofTerror · 21/10/2017 13:37

I think you do need to discuss this with your sister, and explain. But I wouldn't invite him. It's your day. Your sister should understand.
If you wait until they are "off" again and then invite her only, she may assume he can come with her if they are "on" by the wedding day.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 21/10/2017 13:40

If this wankbadger was a work colleague that neither you or your husband to be liked, would you invite them? No.
So don't invite BIL.

As above, whatever you do will be wrong, so just tell your sister that he's not invited or welcome but she and nephew are.
It will hardly be news to BIL that he's not popular, so he shouldn't be surprised to not receive an invite.

Why spend your entire wedding day just waiting for him to kick off?

ZippyCameBack · 21/10/2017 13:55

Is he likely to turn up anyway? I don't think you should invite him, but I do think that as well as speaking honestly to your sister, you should have a word with the venue and work out a plan for what happens if he turns up and kicks off.

Winebottle · 21/10/2017 14:04

You have to invite him unless you speak to her and she agrees that he doesn't get an invite.

They are a social unit. He gets an invite as your sister's husband. What you think of him is irrelevant. Their marital problems are none of your business. If your sister is with her husband, you need to treat him as her husband.

It is hypocritical to stand there and vow to come together in marriage and expect others to treat you as such while disrespecting your sister's marriage.

You risk damaging your relationship with your sister. Husbands come before siblings so if you choose not to invite her husband, you have no right to be upset if she declines her invite. She should not be made to choose between the two of you.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2017 14:31

I think you should have a face to face discussion with your sister as soon as possible. Tell her you love her, and your intention is not to offend her, but you simply will not be inviting her partner to your wedding. It sounds as though she is well aware of what a twat he is, although not enough to leave him for good, sadly. Be as nice as possible but be firm. She may very well be hurt or angry, but if that's the case, just let her be. I wouldn't even consider allowing this man anywhere near my wedding.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/10/2017 14:47

It is hypocritical to stand there and vow to come together in marriage and expect others to treat you as such while disrespecting your sister's marriage

Is crap like this that allows assholes to get away with their shitty behaviour. Do you think he honestly gives a shit about ettiquette? If he did then he would behave decently at a social occasion. Their marriage (or lack thereof it seems) does not alter the fact that he is a twat to the OP, that he would behave badly and ruin her wedding.

The only hypocrite here is the man who fucked up his marriage by cheating, disrespected his wife and her family and yet would still expect to be treated as if none of that had happened.

Original poster

Frouby · 21/10/2017 15:08

Thanks for all your thoughts. General consensus is ainbu to not invite him.

Dsis knows I don't like him. I am civil to him for the sake of the rest of the family. Rest of family knows I don't like him.

I will phone dsis next week and tell her I am inviting her and dnephew but not him. I will blame the fact that we are limited on numbers and I am struggling to invite everyone and because they are on/off I don't want to waste a space on him.

I will tell her if they are on again he can come to the evening do. By that point I will have got the formal bit out of the way and will have had a drink. And DPs hairy arsed builder mates will be there and wankstain will be less likely to cause a fuss. And if he does he will be rapidly evicted by hairy arsed builders.

OP posts:

SeaCabbage · 21/10/2017 15:19

Yes, maybe the evening invitation is a compromise.

however, if you don't want him there at all, and you don't invite him, it means you will have a relaxing day on your wedding day.

Your downsides were, he would be annoyed. Who cares?

Your sister would be upset - sorry but maybe she needs to realise that just because she wants to try again with an arsehole, not everyone wants to put up with him. on their wedding day.
Yours nephew I am sure will cope without his dad on the day. Can you make sure there are other kids, or some other adults that he really likes who are there?
I really think you need to put yourself and your husband to be, first, on this occasion. I wouldn't promise the evening invitation yet either.

Winebottle · 21/10/2017 15:46

You have to think of her sister as well, PyongyangKipperbang . If you want to punish an adults poor behaviour, you can't do that and be friendly with their spouse. They are a unit. If you distance yourself from one, you distance yourself from the other.

If OP wants a relationship with her sister, she will have to tolerate her husband. If his behaviour is that bad that she cannot do that, don't invite either.

Not inviting her sister's husband is a personal insult to her sister.

Nanny0gg · 21/10/2017 16:01

Not inviting her sister's husband is a personal insult to her sister.

Not as much of an insult as not inviting the sister at all!

And at some point, you make decisions for your own life that others don't like and don't have to tolerate. So if she wants to go back to someone that treats her so badly her family are not obliged to keep standing around watching or picking up the pieces.

Hissy · 21/10/2017 16:05

Brilliant idea op! Don’t be pushed into anything more.

Santawontbelong · 21/10/2017 16:07

Maybe the sis will get the opportunity to meet a dp who has evolved while she is there?

sonjadog · 21/10/2017 16:07

Sounds like a good plan.

GinIsIn · 21/10/2017 16:09

I think that's a sensible option. There was a thread on here like this a while ago, and the bride caved and invited the arsehole BIL to keep the peace. The sister ended up leaving the wankstain cocklodger for good a weeks before the wedding, at which point the aforementioned wankstain contacted the bride to confirm he still planned to come and demanding a plus one for his new girlfriend!

Haveyoutriedturningitoffandon · 21/10/2017 16:13

No one seems to tells him no, do they?

I think that's the problem. And going forward he needs to be told no a lot more!
Anyway op. I think you're doing the right thing by only inviting him to the evening do, and with any luck he'll be so 'offended' he won't even come to that!
Hope your day goes well. And enjoy not having to worry about an arsehole on your special day

ForalltheSaints · 21/10/2017 16:39

I think that he should not even be invited to the evening do. The only unreasonable thing would be to withdraw an invitation.

Not only are you doing what you want to do, it may send a message about unacceptable behaviour so someone else does not suffer.

Original poster

Frouby · 21/10/2017 17:00

I minimise my interaction with him to the odd family event. And even then I only say hello and goodbye. Dsis knows my opinion on him. I can't keep telling her what I think tho. It's her life and her choice who she is in a relationship with and for what reasons. All I can do is offer my support if she decides to end it.

I have thought of another reason to not invite him too. My youngest sister (I have 4) absolutely despises him. And when she has had a drink she is likely to let rip if he starts. And he will likely deliberately wind her up. Last time they were together in a drinking environment they had a huge row.

He is vile. He makes my skin crawl to even look at him. I am old enough and wise enough not to bite (much) when he starts but youngest dsis is a bit more reactionary than me. And sisters take priority over wankerbastard bils.

Thats a pretty good reason to not invite him ans no one can argue that they are a good combination at the best of times. Never mind a wedding that starts at 1.30 and finishes at midnight.

OP posts:

Inertia · 22/10/2017 09:34

The argument about sister and BIL being a family unit doesn't stand up. They separated, the relationship is very on/off.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/10/2017 10:13

Well there you go. You actually have a very solid reason not to invite him for the sake of other guests who are far more important to the event than he is!

'Sorry Sis but I will not be able (important choice of words) to invite BIL. There will be drinking, I'm afraid I can't trust him not to deliberately upset (sister) and I am just not prepared to risk a row at my own wedding reception. (Sister) comes before BIL at this event. I know that will make things awkward for you but I would choose that over the massive fall out if he ruins the wedding.

No I won't accept promises to behave, he's always indicated before that he actually enjoys causing discord so I don't trust him. Blame him not me, if he were a nicer person then this wouldn't be happening.'

SarahH12 · 22/10/2017 10:18

No way would I invite him. Fwiw my sister didn't invite my now ex to her wedding. And you know what, I'm so glad she didn't. Turns out he was a complete knob. Sometimes you don't realise it at the time but honestly I'm so glad he's not in any of the photos!

Even if she doesn't realise it, it's your wedding. You should absolutely invite whoever you want!

bettytaghetti · 22/10/2017 10:28

I think you're plan is very sensible. My only concern is that is he enough of a cockwomble to try & gate crash the whole thing? If so you really need your DSis on board with with your idea so that she tells him it will be off once & for all if he ruins your day.

CuppaSarah · 22/10/2017 10:28

Can you talk to your dsis and allow her someone else as a plus one, a friend or someone.

TidyDancer · 22/10/2017 10:31

Agree with the not inviting him camp. He has proved himself to be incapable of behaving decently so has caused this all himself. I would definitely have a chat with your dsis prior to sending out the invitations though, it is best if she is aware and not shocked by it - and do this sooner rather than later.

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