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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH behaviour and holiday

66 replies

Freddofrog1983 · 20/10/2017 19:38

I am going on holiday tomorrow to Yorkshire and I have packed everything for myself and 3 children and washed and dried my husband’s clothes ready for him to pack. I have also packed all of the extras such as food etc. My husband was in a mood last night and again this morning and come home like it.

I have had enough he has spent 3 hours cleaning his car but he has stormed out 3 times in a mood and I just don’t want to go. He is currently out now while I’m trying to sort the kids out and sort out any last minute bits. He stormed out this time because he cane in moaning that the kids were not in their pjs and said he was the only one who does anything. I saw red and said who do you think has sorted everything out? He only had to put it in the car.

I’m fed up of living with his mood swings and walking on egg shells around his moods. I keep questioning what I have done wrong but I haven’t done anything. I was so looking forward to going and not feel so despondent. When I went to pick the children up from school I asked him to put the clothes in the drier from the washing machine and when I got back he had put them into a washing basket but not into the drier so I sorted mine and the children’s clothes out and have left his in the basket as his reason was he forgot and he was looking after the toddler. He thinks he can talk to me how he likes. He told me to fuck off when he went out before as he closed the door, now I’m sat here not knowing what’s going on.Sad

OP posts:
whirlyswirly · 20/10/2017 20:18

I have a total zero tolerance policy on this shit. He's choosing to be an arsehole. You don't have to take it,

Tell him to lay off immediately or you're going without him - and do it. It will solve it one way or the other.

mishfish · 20/10/2017 20:22

He’s an absolute chicken shit with other people and will rent and rave about them until the end of time for the minutest grievances and how they have wronged him. He will never forgive and never forget. Half the people he’s fallen out with don’t even know he’s fallen out with them as he won’t confront them and ghosts them. Utterly pathetic.

I honestly sympathise and hope he seeks the counselling he needed x

PompholyxOfUnknownOrigin · 20/10/2017 20:23

He is choosing to behave like this towards you. Time to stand up for yourself. Yes, getting ready to go on holiday is stressful - but you're the one who has been doing all the preparation! If anyone should be in a mood it should be you. Frankly I think you should leave the children in a safe place in the house, and go outside and yell at him. He is a bully.

schoolgaterebel · 20/10/2017 20:26

DH and I always argue when we are about to leave on holiday.

The packing, sorting the house & car & kids and travel always brings the worst out in both of us and we bicker terribly. We always laugh about it afterwards and promise not to let it happen again, but it always does. Every. Single. Time.

scootinFun · 20/10/2017 20:26

Go on holiday yourself - or do you only have the car he’s shot off in

Original poster
Freddofrog1983 · 20/10/2017 20:30

Well he’s back and still moody. I can hear him making passive aggressive comments like are they staying up all night or are they going to bed etc as I haven’t put pjs on them yet as just been sorting some food out. I said why did you go out then. He then said I could have put pjs on them while doing dinner. I said it wouldn’t hurt him to put some pyjamas on his own children.

If I knew then what I know now about him I wouldn’t have got involved with him.

OP posts:
Astella22 · 20/10/2017 20:30

Sounds like he is picking fights because doesn't want to go....very immature imo.
Go yourself and leave him with the kids (unless u think they wouldn't be safe with him) show him what doing everything actually is. Sounds like you could do with some time to relax.

Original poster
Freddofrog1983 · 20/10/2017 20:30

Scootinfun, we only have the one car

OP posts:
senzaparole03 · 20/10/2017 20:31

Have you ever had a sit down, calm conversation about his Jekyll & Hyde act?

This is not ok. Telling you to fuck off? Fuck him! But don't retaliate like with like - you lose your high ground.

Tell him what you perceive, how it feels. And it doesn't matter if he agrees with you or not, this is your truth. Say it is just simply intolerable and he needs to consider why he treats you like that.

AnyFucker · 20/10/2017 20:32

Stop engaging with the twat

Decide if this is how you want to live and make plans accordingly

This holiday is the least of your issues

MsJudgemental · 20/10/2017 20:32

I think a lot of blokes are like this to a certain extent about organising and packing to go away. I always get the ‘it’s only a couple of days; we don’t need a load of stuff’ routine. Once he was in a mood and I snapped and said that said that he could sort all his stuff out himself when he got back in the evening. He evidently didn’t believe me as we went away to a gig in London for a weekend and he didn’t even have a change of pants. DS started going along the same route but as he’s now 17 I just leave the two of them to it and laugh when they’re too cold, too wet, too hot, feeling scruffy on a night out, without toothbrushes or phone chargers or otherwise inappropriately dressed or kitted out. I would tell him he’s got the evening to sort out his attitude and his own stuff or you’ll be going away without him.

Original poster
Freddofrog1983 · 20/10/2017 20:34

When he is calm he tells me that he knows he has a streak and that he doesn’t mean it how he treats me but to be honest I feel he has killed something in the marriage that cannot be rebuilt. I don’t not love him but I don’t feel that affection towards him.

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 20/10/2017 20:34

Take the car and go - without him.
Make sure you have a whale of a time, and leave him to wallow in his own misery.
He needs to sort this out.

wannabestressfree · 20/10/2017 20:37

Just go by yourself.
Why would inflict this shit on your children? They will also be walking on eggshells whilst he diva like swans in and out.
Take the car and go. Then no one will be there to give a shit about his histrionics.

Iflyaway · 20/10/2017 20:37

Fuck that. Do you want to spend the rest of your life in this shit?

Think about the energy you are passing on to your children living like this in a relationship.

LTB. I did. Life is so much better - maybe harder too - as a LP with your kids and you chilling without some drama queen around - Male/Female.

He will never stop fucking with your head. You owe your kids and yourself a better life.

What made you decide you have to put up with this? You really
DON'T!!

NapQueen · 20/10/2017 20:40

Take the car and go without him.

The cynical part of me is wondering if he is formulating this so that you go with the kids and he stays behind. Either so he doesnt have to get involved with them or he has the company of someone else in mind whilst you are away.

Msqueen33 · 20/10/2017 20:41

What a twat! Your marriage sounds miserable. I think when things have calmed down a frank and honest conversation needs to be had about how he has killed off part of your marriage. He knows he has a streak but what has he done to change it? Maybe therapy is an option for him but if he can't see it you either need to leave or sadly put up with him killing your marriage.

I'd be raging if my husband who'd stormed out asked me why the kids weren't ready for bed when you're doing all the doing.

strongasmeringue · 20/10/2017 20:42

Your kids deserve better. I'd go without him. He can manage without a car for however long. You can't easily get to Yorkshire without one.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 20/10/2017 20:43

Hold on he didn't put the clothes in the tumble dryer earlier on today because he was looking after the toddler but you're expected to look after plural dc, change them into pyjamas and cook dinner simultaneously and he thinks that you're unreasonable for not doing that but you should cut him some slack? This is inbetween flouncing off in a huff leaving you to look after the dc etc... I'm failing to see the 'everything' he supposedly does... Hmm

43percentburnt · 20/10/2017 20:45

This sounds like hard work.

We went away last month. Whilst I was at work Dh packed the clothes, the car, got 3 under 5 ready and in the car. I had packed my things the night before - I as the worst - am very capable of packing my own pants thank you very much!

There is no excuse for him not to partake in family life. Storming off is his way of getting out of helping. Orchestrate argument, get to storm out, phew wife gets to do the shit work whilst he rests in his car. I’d love to sit for an hour in my car listening to radio 4 rather than pack, but I’m not a shit head and my husband isn’t a maid.

Take the car, enjoy your holiday. Presumably he has a week off so does not need the car this week. Let him ponder life alone.

43percentburnt · 20/10/2017 20:46

Not the worst but WOHP!

Slimthistime · 20/10/2017 20:49

OP "If I knew then what I know now about him I wouldn’t have got involved with him."

you're the second poster I'm saying this to within an hour.

you're married to a man like my dad.

it doesn't get better. Truly awful people.

there's going to be a lot of these posts now because of half term I expect. Really - it can get a lot worse, run away, far away!

hidengosqueak · 20/10/2017 20:51

My dh was like this. It got to the point I did separate from our marriage but tbh what actually works is pulling him up every single time. Reminding him I am his wife not a work colleague and also repeatedly saying “ if you want to say something say it, but make sure I’m the person you want to say THAT to !” I’ve been doing it for 5 years and now I only have to say it 2-3 times a years. I do love him and he is a wonderful person otherwise

BewareOfDragons · 20/10/2017 20:53

He sounds miserable to be around. And I agree that his 'storming off' in a huff was a way to get out of doing anything. Note he came back and immediately complained you hadn't done everything (while you were cooking everyone dinner). What a prince.

I would consider how much happier and calmer your and your children's lives might be if he wasn't around fulltime.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 20/10/2017 20:56

When he is calm he tells me that he knows he has a streak and that he doesn’t mean it how he treats me but to be honest I feel he has killed something in the marriage that cannot be rebuilt.

Love and respect from what you've described. Yes you can be your true self warts n all with your nearest and dearest but he's way beyond that and using you as emotional punch bag.