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Original poster

Was I in the wrong?

63 replies

GiveUsACig · 20/10/2017 15:57

I think my daughter (25) has fallen out with me. We haven't spoke for a few weeks now, the last time I seen her I said that she looks like she's putting on weight around her sides. She walked out not happy and said how I've said things like that to her for years.

I haven't at all, and I know it's not the nicest thing to have said but I am her mum and I never actually called her fat. She hasn't contacted me for a few weeks which I'm sure is from what I said!

What can I do?

OP posts:
NotAgainYoda · 20/10/2017 16:16

"I am her mum" isn't an excuse to be hurtful. You were hurtful. Do you think she doesn't know she's put weight on. Are you feeling a bit competitive?

amusedbush · 20/10/2017 16:16

It might not be often, but it's often enough to know that every time I see her she is judging me based on his much weight I may have lost or gained, even though she isn't saying anything.

This is why my DH didn't visit his grandparents for ten years. His granny would invariably comment on his weight gain/loss and he felt so anxious and judged that he just stopped having any contact.

He has an eating disorder and anxiety and knowing that she was surveying him like that made it so much worse.

Original poster
GiveUsACig · 20/10/2017 16:17

Sorry it is a reverse, I was thinking about her while I name changed an what she says hence the username HmmGrin.

My siblings are asking me what's going on and if we have fallen out, and how she's asking them if I've fallen out with her and how I "haven't fucking rang her". I feel like texting her but not sure what to say if I'm honest I don't know why but I feel bad!

She has said it for YEARS, always infront of friends or boyfriends. I'm a size 10-12.

I wrote it out as it was her as I wasn't sure if I was being stupid not wanting to contact her.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 20/10/2017 16:19

"haven't fucking rang her"

'Well obviously I can't get my fat fingers to dial the right number.'

whiskyowl · 20/10/2017 16:20

Apologise profusely and promise her you'll never raise weight again as an issue unless she wants to talk about it.

You're over the line with that comment and I suspect you of being a bit of a troll on her anyway.

NotAgainYoda · 20/10/2017 16:20

Ah. Prepare for a few more pages berating your mum.

She probably feels competitive with you, with is why she puts you down. Tell her that it was a rude thing to say and you were hurt. If she doesn't understand that then there is not much you can do except protect yourself by seeing less of her.

amusedbush · 20/10/2017 16:21

I don't think you're being stupid. I have no time for rude, thoughtless people and if your mum genuinely doesn't see what she's doing then she'll never change.

Icouldbeknitting · 20/10/2017 16:26

She can ring you can't she? The phone works both ways. She could maybe open with an apology and take it from there.

HateHomework · 20/10/2017 16:26

Ah ok.... depends how you feel about her if it's worth giving her a chance or not

Original poster
GiveUsACig · 20/10/2017 16:27

@Icouldbeknitting well that's what I thought, she is glued to her phone too!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 20/10/2017 16:28

Seriously? You don't know better than to comment on someone's weight or appearance? My own mum taught me that as a child!

My aunt used to do this to my cousin (her DD). In her mind they were just 'comments' meant to 'be helpful' and 'encouraging'. About her hips/body, the food on her plate, how other girls looked, the fit of her clothes. She especially liked to make comparisons between my cousin and I (she and I are of an age and like sisters) to my mum and to her DD. Who weighed the most (she'd actually ask my mum what I weighed!!!), who had lost/gained weight, and if I were thinner at some point (she and I 'yo-yoed' with each other for years) she'd hold me up to my cousin, ofttimes in my hearing. At a family dinner she actually pointed to Cousin's plate and said to me (loudly) "Look at what Cousin has piled on her plate!! She'll never look like you if she keeps that up!!". It was cruel to her and it was embarrassing to my mum and me.

Her comments did irreparable damage, not only to her relationship with her daughter, but her relationship with my mum (her sister) and me. It has been 30 years and Cousin still thinks and remembers about the things her mother said to her. Thank God it didn't affect my cousin's relationship with me, we're still like sisters.

So next time, keep your mouth shut. Remember "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!!!" and that goes triple for comments about weight!

AcrossthePond55 · 20/10/2017 16:30

Oh. A reverse. Well, my advice still stands. And I think you should do what we never had the courage to do. Tell your mother to STFU about anything to do with your appearance unless she's going to say "You look nice".

GerrytheBerry · 20/10/2017 16:31

Yes you were in the wrong and I think you know it too!
I have never understood people that comment negatively on a person's appearance, just why would you say that?
When we put weight on, we know we have, and generally feel crap about it, someone pointing it out is just never going to be gratefully received.

Fruitcorner123 · 20/10/2017 16:34

You need to tell her why you are upset and f she does it a lot give multiple examples. Explain that you cant be close to her if she continues to do this.

I take it from your second post that you dont want to go compeletely non contact so you need to be straight with her and see how she responds. If she doesnt apologise or if she does it again limit contact to an occasional phone call to check how she is and meeting up as a larger family for family events but dont worry about going a few weeks without seeing her.

You need to at least give her a chance to be sorry though.

Crinkle77 · 20/10/2017 16:37

Yes, my mother keeps making sly digs about my weight. I have told her to stop but she keeps doing it. I am 5 ft 9 ins and and a 16/18 so not massively overweight. She says that it's better that she tells me rather than someone else. I know I need to lose a bit of weight but I don't need her to keep telling me.

TheMerryWidow1 · 20/10/2017 16:39

my dad does this, he has no filter. At a family party once when a friend of my parents said to me "you are looking very well" my dad heard and said "are you calling my daughter fat" ha ha!!! I was embarrassed and so was the friend. No wonder I have always had body issues!!!!

FooFighter99 · 20/10/2017 16:44

My mum, over the years, has constantly felt the need to comment on my weight, using her own state of overweightness to give her an excuse to point out that I need to do something about mine, because she doesn't want me to end up like her.... too fucking late, and I'm twice her fucking size!!!

Err thanks mum but I know I'm a fat bastard, I don't need you to keep reminding me, and nothing she says will help me undo 20+ years of over eating!

The only thing stopping me from blowing up at her is that she genuinely means well and really does see it as a "family" problem (as in me and her both need to lose weight)

Ah well, I like my food too much!

senzaparole03 · 20/10/2017 16:54

You need to get over it.

Yes, it's annoying, and yes, I've had it for 30+ years, but it's not meant maliciously. Mothers have this ridiculous sense of ownership and justification that they can comment on whatever they want about your body or your life. I think its universal. Just make a comment back and she'll wind her neck in.

In the big scheme of things, it's really not something that ought to get in the way of your relationship with your mother.

You only have one.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 20/10/2017 17:09

Tell your sisters why you are 'on a break' - enjoy the break.

It's normal to get upset when someone constantly finds fault with your appearance. It's not acceptable even if she is your mum.

Store up a few critical comments yourself then retaliate.

I wouldn't fall out long term though if it can be avoided.

PoppyPopcorn · 20/10/2017 17:12

God, reverses are so bloody annoying.

Oldraver · 20/10/2017 17:24

Well this is one of (the many) reasons I keep a low profile with my Mum...She can never say anything nice to me and has been constant in her barbs for years. She too would probably think she didnt really say anything.

It's really draining isn't it ?

Mittens1969 · 20/10/2017 17:41

My mum has always said things like that, since I was a child, justifying it with, ‘I’m your mum, who apart from me is going to tell you the truth?’ She has so often wanted to help me choose clothes that she thinks ‘flatter’ me, constantly making reference to my not so flattering features. She’s always liked to come into the changing rooms with me to help me try them on. Basically, she has no boundaries. Hmm

I’m so sorry you’ve had this from your mum. Size 10/12 is no way at all overweight. The question now is can you move past this with her? She’s not likely to change. I can cope with my mum in small doses.

NightTimeIhadaBrainChange · 20/10/2017 17:54

Mine' used to be the same, though she is better than she was. The funny thing is I remember her getting upset when her mother mentioned her big tummy, yet she would still say similar things to me. I think it was me reminding her of this that finally put a stop to it (though she did try to justify how it was ok for her to say it to me...).

I still do worry, when I go and visit, that she will make comments about my shape, especially when I know I've put weight on. The annoying thing is she wouldn't dare say anything to my size 24 sister, but will say lots to size 10-12 me.

Amusingly, whenever I mention what a nice figure a friend's teenage daughter has (very slim, though has curves, ie the perfect body) but mother dismisses it as she's "too thin" and "doesn't have a figure".

PandorasXbox · 20/10/2017 18:02

Why do people thinks it’s appropriate to tell someone they’ve put weight on? It really baffles me.

They know they have so you aren’t being helpful Wink

A few years ago a distant relative who I hadn’t seen in a few years pipes up from nowhere “ you’ve put weight on haven’t you Pandora “ I was 9 pissing stone! Daft cow.

PandorasXbox · 20/10/2017 18:04

I fucking hate reverses.

What’s the point?

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