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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so taken aback by this bizarre behaviour?

69 replies

haresandthemoon · 20/10/2017 13:57

DD(10) was at a friend's house and they were playing with her friend's little brother (2)

They went into the garden and DD said something like "Oh, you're so lucky to have such a nice garden!"

The friend's grandmother was also there and started shouting at DD telling her "well what do you think you are, eh? You have a lovely garden too!"

DD was upset about it - aibu to Have A Word or is this Best Left? (No dementia: Grandma is about 3 years older than me! )

OP posts:

AnnetteCurtains · 20/10/2017 14:51

Just go and ask them what happened , then you can sort it
No drama

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2017 15:03

Yeah I dislike this side of mn as well. On what planet is it reasonable to respond to a child who says “oh you’re so lucky to have such a nice garden” with “who do you think you are”. Irrelevant of the volume of your voice.

On one. Thread we have people saying it’s theft and a criminal offence if a kid is in your house and helps themselves to one of your sweets without asking, and on this one it’s perfectly acceptable to be rude to a visiting child who pays a compliment.

Mind boggling.

FindoGask · 20/10/2017 15:04

"Just go and ask them what happened , then you can sort it
No drama"

I think it's highly unlikely you could go round to someone's house and explain that your daughter was in tears because of an incident where she was shouted at, and ask what happened, without there being drama. That's just how people are. There will be defensiveness and awkwardness at the very least.

(I'm not saying the OP shouldn't do that, necessarily, but I def think she should be prepared for drama if she did)

KurriKurri · 20/10/2017 15:08

Not sure why you are getting a hard time from some posters OP (apart from the fact that some people would argue with themselves if they were locked in a room on their own )

the expected response to your DD's nice remark would have been 'thank you ' or ' Thank you yours is lovely too' (assuming strange GM has even seen your garden.)

I think sometime adults get hold of the wrong end of the stick (I remember as a child being reprimanded for things I had intended to be a nice thing to say or do and being both puzzled and upset about it)

Doesn't sound as if GM has any health/age related reasons for misunderstanding or mishearing. Maybe she's just a contrary type.

I wouldn't make a thing out of it (might damage your DD's relationship with her friend) but I would reassure her, as I'm sure you have, that some folk are a bit crabby for no particular reason and she hasn;t done anything wrong. And like you I'd probably incline towards ahving the other little girl over to my house to play rather than your DD going round there, unless GM is only an occasional visitor.

DingleBerries · 20/10/2017 15:13

I’d like to hear the grandmothers version of events.

I strongly suspect she heard something totally different from what your DD is saying that she said....

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2017 15:15

I strongly suspect she heard something totally different from what your DD is saying that she said....

What , like your garden is shit? WTAF,

AnnetteCurtains · 20/10/2017 15:18

why FindoGask ? not everything has to be a drama

monkeywithacowface · 20/10/2017 15:19

It sounds very odd to the point it doesn't make sense. I would probably ask in a general "was everything ok whilst dd was here she seems to think she upset you with a comment about how nice your garden is but what she telling me doesn't make any sense?"

It will be a case of either
A) woman misheard your dd
B) Your dd misheard or misinterpreted the woman
C) woman is batshit

Garlicansapphire · 20/10/2017 15:26

I think you might be over-reacting a bit. I wouldn't make a fuss.
The statement from the Granny isn't that horrid or bizarre. I can picture myself saying to someone you complimented my house or garden ' what do you mean? You've got a lovely garden!" If she shouted it might be a bit over the top - but......well everyone's offered a number of suggested reasons - most probably is she's deaf. My Granny bellowed all the time because she was so deaf. Drunk is well, a bit of an extreme suggestion.

There are worse dramas and we do have to enable our children to build their resilience. Some people are a bit odd/deaf, you name it.

Just say to your DD - 'oh thats shame, I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it.'

Jux · 20/10/2017 15:27

It is a bit bizarre. Your dd gives a compliment and is shouted at as if she has just been rude. My aunt did a similar thing to me some years ago, as I was an adult and had known my aunt all my life and she was normally lovely, I was a little hurt but mainly puzzled - thought on it for years and am still puzzled by it, though I have come up with an explanation which kind of satisfies me.

I wouldn't make a big big deal out of it, but I would casually mention it to the friend's mum and see what her response is.

DJBaggySmallpox · 20/10/2017 15:38

Some people get really defensive if they are told they are lucky. Maybe you could tell your DD to give a straight compliment without adding 'you're lucky', as it angers some people.
'What a lovely garden' offers a conversation about gardens and gardening.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 20/10/2017 15:56

'Yeah I dislike this side of mn as well. On what planet is it reasonable to respond to a child who says “oh you’re so lucky to have such a nice garden” with “who do you think you are”. Irrelevant of the volume of your voice.

Mind boggling.'

I'm with Bluntness.

Between this and the thread with the woman whose reaction to an innocuous comment sent her 6yo scuttling off to bed scared, there are a lot of posters on here atm who seem determined to excuse adults any bad behaviour towards children and find a way to blame the child if at all possible.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/10/2017 16:04

I think it's a good chance to explain to your DD that sometimes people say foolish things. And when that happens it's best to 'consider the source' and just rise above it. DD knows that she meant it as a compliment and her friend took it as such, I'm sure. What the GM thought doesn't matter.

I wouldn't confront anyone, especially if the child is a good friend of DD's. Think of the bigger picture. You could end up in a situation where the child's parents feel bound to defend the GM and as a result the friendship is lost.

We don't always have to 'defend' our child when someone says something we don't like. Sometimes it's best to just let it be a 'teaching moment' and let it go. (Obvs I'm not talking about bullying, racism, or threats of violence)

keeponworking · 20/10/2017 16:15

I agree with you OP - it's bizarre but I would definitely not cotton wool your DD (although I myself would be heartily enraged if someone made my daughter cry - I imagine she was just a bit in shock and sometimes we cry when we're faced with something that surprises us; Christ, we've all cried at an inopportune moment or at a perfectly innocuous comment if it catches us at the right time). But maybe just as a conversation with DD along the lines of:

people can be batshit (replace with appropriate word!) so don't take it personally, don't stress about it, don't let it put you off talking to people
however, on the face of it what you said was a lovely comment, but the 'you're so lucky' on the end whilst not intended to offend, possibly that person has money worries or knows they're getting into debt and might have to sell their house with its beloved garden, so who knows what and it for some reason hit a nerve
saying 'you're so lucky' pissed them off because it wasn't luck but years of hard work and slog to buy a house with a nice garden and all the work that goes into maintaining a nice garden - it could be that.

Then leave it and move on. If she wants to go there again, fine, if not, no worries.

whiskyowl · 20/10/2017 16:18

Some people ARE really irrational and react in weird ways to ordinary things. It sounds like your DD has encountered one of these adults. I'd say her reaction is normal, because it's unpleasant to have someone with no knowledge of social grace or politeness having a go at you like that.

I can remember it happening to me when I was little - I had a couple of friends whose parents would just SCREAM in front of the whole street. I now live in a part of the country where it's rife as behaviour - people here are not reserved and polite but loud and boisterous with one another - and I still find it really disconcerting. I was just in the vet and one woman said "Have you fixed the printer?" and the other just yelled back at her in frustration "I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE, I ONLY JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE!" Then stomped over and fixed it and said "Look what you've done, now I'm covered in printer toner!" And the other girl said "It's no more than you deserve, you're awful". It was banter, but it was also quite real underneath the banter and I felt really... uncomfortable, because I'm still not used to it at all even though I've lived here for 15 years.

Just explain to her that not all adults are nice, reasonable people, and that she has encountered a horrible one.

Takeoutyourhen · 20/10/2017 16:22

Could it be that the grandmother didn't quite like hearing the word 'lucky'?
Sounds like she read into a perfectly honest and polite remark. Well done to your DD.
At least that is how I am imagining it. For example, having a friend round who has just had an amazing kitchen extension and said friend compliments your itty bitty but perfectly functional kitchen. Tangent I know, but it crossed my mind with regards to gardens. I don't know how either of your gardens differ, but 'lucky' could have been interpreted differently. In any case, it was a big over reaction!

Summerswallow · 20/10/2017 16:47

This is bizarre, I can't think of a time anyone has shouted or even raised their voice at my dds on playdates, there's obviously something off, just don't send here there again, invite the child to you.

FindoGask · 20/10/2017 17:33

"why FindoGask ? not everything has to be a drama"

I've explained why. It wouldn't be an emotionally neutral situation. You really can't see how a conversation that started "why did you make my 10 year old daughter cry" is likely to go wrong even if the OP tried to be as objective as possible?

Best just to reassure the daughter, explain that sometimes things are misconstrued and although that's uncomfortable, it's not her fault, and encourage her to put it behind her.

CoughLaughFart · 20/10/2017 17:43

How well do you know the family OP? Fairly well I'm guessing if you know how old the grandmother is and she's seen your garden. Based on your knowledge of them, how much is your daughter likely to see if the grandmother if she keeps going around there? Is this out of character behaviour, or is she generally a bit huffy?

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