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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so taken aback by this bizarre behaviour?

69 replies

haresandthemoon · 20/10/2017 13:57

DD(10) was at a friend's house and they were playing with her friend's little brother (2)

They went into the garden and DD said something like "Oh, you're so lucky to have such a nice garden!"

The friend's grandmother was also there and started shouting at DD Hmm telling her "well what do you think you are, eh? You have a lovely garden too!"

DD was upset about it - aibu to Have A Word or is this Best Left? (No dementia: Grandma is about 3 years older than me! Blush)

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 20/10/2017 14:30

You don't know. You weren't there. Was your friend? Can you ask them what happened?

brasty · 20/10/2017 14:30

OP what do you want to achieve by escalating it?

Original poster
haresandthemoon · 20/10/2017 14:32

Yes but brasty, what I am trying to explain is that we DO know the difference between someone shouting because they are loud and someone shouting because they are angry.

DD is eleven, she is not stupid, not prone to theatrics and she was shouted at for doing ... nothing. It was very peculiar and I don't know how I would feel about her playing at this girl's house again given that.

I also really don't want to go down the road of the fact that I have a child who is not yet entitled to drink alcohol and therefore she obviously is wrong Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
haresandthemoon · 20/10/2017 14:32

What do I want to achieve?

I want to know what happened, for starters, and I want to stick up for my child.

OP posts:
brasty · 20/10/2017 14:32

And honestly some people post on MN after being upset for days, about a rude remark said to them by a stranger. It is a gift for your DC to learn to let this go and move on. These things happen to us all as children and adults. We can not stop them happening. What we can learn is to get briefly upset, and then let it go. It is I think an important lesson to learn.

SierraFerrara · 20/10/2017 14:33

Was she shouted AT or shouted TO? Could grandmother just always shout at/to children?

Either way, just tell your daughter not to worry about it. Tell her that even if grandmother did shout at her then she was just telling her that she should be grateful for what she has and that you know she is and was just being nice to her friend.

Original poster
haresandthemoon · 20/10/2017 14:35

Brasty with respect you're going on about it more than me.

She was shouted AT sierra

She really isn't a peculiar child, kept hidden for many years and only allowed out on occasion. She is in secondary school, she is bright, responsible, kind, calm and definitely NOT one for theatrics.

She knows when someone is yelling at her just as much as you do or I do Hmm

OP posts:
brasty · 20/10/2017 14:35

What does alcohol have to do with anything?

Okay you want to know what happened.If you ask them, do you think you will really find out? What if the family tell you something totally different happened?
What do you mean by stick up for your DC? Are you looking for an apology?
And really, you would stop your DC seeing a friend over this?That is punishing her and make her more likely not to tell you things that happen at friends houses in the future.

Birdsgottafly · 20/10/2017 14:36

"It wasn't really a "comment" though, was it - it was a shouted and pretty aggressive remark that made my daughter cry."

Have you had that confirmed?

"If she comes home early from a playdate in tears because she's been shouted at, I'm erring on her side."

Does she do that often? Why aren't you keeping an open mind?

You could be raising a child that doesn't think she should be told/pulled up.

Original poster
haresandthemoon · 20/10/2017 14:36

It is pointing out she's not an adult.

Brasty, you have clearly made your mind up here but there is a massive difference between not seeing a friend at all and not having them socialise at someone's house because of someone who makes young girls cry.

OP posts:
Original poster
haresandthemoon · 20/10/2017 14:37

Birds she has never ONCE done it before.

Which is why I am taking her word for it.

OP posts:
brasty · 20/10/2017 14:38

I know she is not an adult. And this is not her fault. But I do think you are making too much of this, and others on the thread clearly think that too.

Birdsgottafly · 20/10/2017 14:39

"DD is eleven"

She was 10 in your OP. If she has just turned 11 then surely she has just missed the Secondary intake?

Original poster
haresandthemoon · 20/10/2017 14:40

I haven't done anything yet, but I am surprised that so many of you would shrug off your young daughter returning from playing with her friend crying.

Brasty I think 60% of the posts are yours and mine Grin I appreciate your input but having made your point now, it might be good to draw a line there.

OP posts:
Original poster
haresandthemoon · 20/10/2017 14:40

I posted 10 and meant 11, apologies.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 20/10/2017 14:42

That is an utterly weird response and as the child's parent I would be annoyed too. However, I can't think of a good way to raise it with the other person/family at all. Does she have to go there again, and does she go often?

Liiinoo · 20/10/2017 14:42

I can see why you are upset on your DDs behalf but I think saying something would escalate things and might make it worse. Perhaps your DD was oversensitive on this one occasion or possibly the Granny is a completely unreasonable bitch. Either way, I think it best to comfort your DD, explain that sometimes adults are unkind and irrational (a sad but necessary life lesson) and reassure her that what she said sounds completely ok to you.

GreatFuckability · 20/10/2017 14:42

I would want to know what was said. I would bring it up the girls mum. was she there at the time? All this splitting hairs about shouting at and to. by age 10/11 most kids are aware of the difference.

Original poster
haresandthemoon · 20/10/2017 14:43

Not too often: fairly recent friendship.

Thanks for agreeing that it was weird - I was wondering if I was the weird one for finding it weird!

OP posts:
Original poster
haresandthemoon · 20/10/2017 14:44

I do know what people mean, that children can accuse people - usually teachers - of shouting at them when in fact they were just telling them off, but that doesn't work in the context of a friendly conversation. You do know when somebody suddenly starts yelling at you then!

OP posts:
didyoureally · 20/10/2017 14:47

Has your DD met the GM before? If so your she might realise that she is quite abrupt generally. Some people I know manage to talk to children using a "telling off" tone of voice for things that aren't a telling off IYSWIM

steff13 · 20/10/2017 14:50

It sounds like a misunderstanding. Comfort your daughter, and then let it go.

happygirly1 · 20/10/2017 14:50

I don't think anyone disagrees that the GM was unreasonable in her response to your daughter's compliment.

I think the gist of the responses is more that "shit happens" at times (sorry to be blunt), people aren't always nice, there isn't always a reason for it and you don't always have to "get to the bottom" of everything.

Your daughter was polite, GM was a knob. Dismiss the behaviour of GM as inconsequential as there's not really much more to it than that. My dad always taught me - you can't (nor should you try to) control the actions of others, even the mean ones. What you can control is how you let it affect you. Yes it wasn't a nice situation, but it's over now, it wasn't a huge deal, no-one got hurt and there's no real need for your daughter (or you) to dwell on it any further.

SierraFerrara · 20/10/2017 14:51

I sometimes shout by accident as I don't always realise the volumn of my voice and some things come out harsh at any volumn even though I don't mean them to. So this can easily come accross as me shouting at someone when I really don't mean to.

If grandmother has hearing issues (as many people do even though you always don't realise) then she possibly does shout generally. At any volumn, what she said could be interpreted as being mean, even if it's just due to the phrasing. It might not have been said to be mean. Or it could be grandmother was grumpy, is generally a bit gruff or is just stern with everyone. It could also be that your daughter did over-react. It happens to even the nost sensible of us.

If your daughter was surprised by her comment then I can understand why she might feel she was shouted at.

From what you're saying, your daughter didn't do anything so even if there was a "problem", it wasn't your daughter.

Either way, honestly, it doesn't matter and I don't know what you expect to happen by having a word or not letting your daughter play there anymore.

Your daughter needs to learn that somethings things aren't what they seem (if she wasn't actually shouted at) and sometimes people are just mean (if she was shouted at).

This isn't a case where you need to (or even can) jump to her defence. Nothing really happened.

NSEA · 20/10/2017 14:51

I really dislike mn for this.

OP I don't think anyone here would be OK with an adult, 3 years older than themselves, shouting at their child to the point of making them cry.

I would ask the adult who you left your child with why they were shouted at. Perhaps they can explain it. Grandma may have been having a bad day and probably feels bad for it.

I wouldn't stop her going round, but I would tell my DD to ignore grandmas ridiculous anger in future.