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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband spends all his time with his mother

27 replies

user1498912461 · 20/10/2017 09:49

DH's mother is around all the time, she is at our house almost every day. When I am in work she is over from early in the morning and still there when get home. It's my day off today and he's meeting her for a coffee then they are both taking our DD out for dinner later. (I haven't been included). He will also spend the whole weekend with her as I'm away with our other child. AIBU to think this is too much? DH and I have fallen out as I remarked that I'm surprised he has anything left to say to his mother as he sees her so much!

OP posts:

SomethingNewToday · 20/10/2017 09:52

Yeah that's odd.

I would stamp out the situation with them making plans with your dc and leaving you out right now, that would be the main thing that bothered me.

CoraPirbright · 20/10/2017 09:54

I guess its good that they are close but it is absolutely not on to exclude you! Was it suggested that you join them and you couldnt make it? Or was it just presented as a fait accompli? What are you going to do whilst they are out?

Hulder · 20/10/2017 09:55

It's odd. Is she always around in your couple time as well?

Even our forefathers thought this a bit odd - a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.

You don't need to cut off your parents at the roots but for a healthy marriage there should be some leaving and cleaving.

HouseworkIsAPain · 20/10/2017 09:57

Is your DH a SAHD? Is he offloading the childcare and/or housework to his mum?

I’d be concerned that he’s not spending quality time with the DC on their own and using his mum as childcare. Which could be fair enough if he struggles and needs support though.

lurkingnotlurking · 20/10/2017 10:20

Oh yes. Yanbu

RedHelenB · 20/10/2017 10:23

I know plenty of women like this with their mothers, particularly when the children are young.

StormTreader · 20/10/2017 10:24

Why havent you been included in taking your DD out for dinner?

Anecdoche · 20/10/2017 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LongWavyHair · 20/10/2017 10:29

It's only like women spending all their time with their mums. That's seen as acceptable though.

AndrewJames · 20/10/2017 10:32

It's only like women spending all their time with their mums. That's seen as acceptable though

That would be equally as odd.

BertrandRussell · 20/10/2017 10:32

Why aren't you included in the dinner?

And meeting her for coffee on your day off is odd- what happened when you asked him about it?

But I can't see why them keeping each other company while you're at work is a problem.

Pickleypickles · 20/10/2017 10:47

Has it always been like this?
If it has then i dont understand the issue because you marries him knowing this.
If it hasnt then i would be asking why the sudden change?
My mum struggled with this with her mum for a little bit after her dad died. Has a big wvent happened or anything that could of truggered the change? Maybe she just needs some more support atm.

Pickleypickles · 20/10/2017 10:47

Pickleypickles · 20/10/2017 10:48

Sorry dont know why that posted twice.

CountDuckulaTheSqueaky · 20/10/2017 10:48

Tell him to move back in with her.

BertrandRussell · 20/10/2017 10:52

Or maybe he's lonely at home and he needs her support?

AndrewJames · 20/10/2017 10:54

Or maybe he's lonely at home and he needs her support?

All day near;y every day? That's a lot of support. Is she doing everything instead of him?

CardinalCat · 20/10/2017 11:05

Is there a cultural reason for this level of closeness?

One side of my family is Italian and it is culturally quite normal for people to spend a lot of time with their parents, even after they have married. I see my parents every day. I wish my DP would see more of his (although tbf they live on the other side of the country).

I think it's lovely that he and your DD are so close to her, however find it somewhat odd that you have been excluded from dinner. Does that not upset you (or are you just relieved to get some downtime?)

just5morepeas · 20/10/2017 11:06

It's only like women spending all their time with their mums. That's seen as acceptable though.

I spend a lot of time with my Mum as with leave near each other and she sees her Grandchildren often.

But I don't see her everyday/all day or multiple times on the same day. That is weird. I don't see my DP that much and I live with him!

Does your dh work op? Has it always been like this or is this a sudden change? Has there been a change for either of them recently - feeling lonely, needing support for something?

just5morepeas · 20/10/2017 11:07

*we live not with leave

Didiusfalco · 20/10/2017 11:18

Sounds odd. Why are you away with your other child rather than him being with the other child or all of you together?

AussieGrrl · 20/10/2017 11:34

Is his name Norman?

SmileSunshine · 20/10/2017 11:52

Presuming your DH is an adult so he can decide who he spends his time with whilst you are apart. As long as you MIL isn't meddling in your relationship why do they need to limit how much time they spend together when you are not there? It is nice to hear of a son who doesn't automatically cut off his mother as soon as he enters a romantic relationship/gets married. It's no wonder so many mothers of boys/men despair reading threads like this and there is so much friction between so many MIL/DIL. Who said you can't go to the meal or are you expecting them to explicitly ask you to go?

CountDuckulaTheSqueaky · 20/10/2017 12:59

My mum and I were NC for 9 years. Since she got back in touch she's been very clingy. The DC and I have things to do. We can't be at her beck and call constantly.

Mittens1969 · 20/10/2017 13:30

I do think it’s unhealthy for them to spend that much time together. Is it possible that he’s relying on his DM to parent your DD for him? If so, it’s more understandable though he does need to create his own bond with his DD.

Do they regularly exclude you from going with them? It’s rather odd that you don’t just go anyway if you want to, they are taking your DD with them.

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