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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feeling so let down by DH

61 replies

emsmum79 · 19/10/2017 20:23

My dh is a good man (works hard, never wastes money, loves dd and i) but I feel so let down by how he is at home. He's always been like this but I feel it more acutely now that we have a daughter. I hate the thought of her growing up thinking that men don't need to take responsibility for anything.
He does housework, but only with prompting. He never does anything over and above. I have to notice if anything needs repaired or replaced. He never organises or suggests anything special for us. By 'special' i mean any treat for us as a family or for just us as a couple (a takeaway, trip to the swimming, dinner out type things). He doesn't take any real responsibility for our daughter - I decide and organise anything important (appointments, what groups we go to etc).
I do all the finances, all the cooking, plan every little thing.
When I talk to him about this he just says "yeah, you're right" but does nothing to change.
I feel so hacked off. I know that what I'm writing isn't anything major really, but it's just all mounting up.
How can I get him to understand that I'd really like him to take responsibility for something? Or at least appreciate what I do?

OP posts:
EllaHen · 20/10/2017 07:35

Enceladus - you want a description of a better man? Well, I'll give you a brief description of mine. Well, things I don't have to think about because dh takes care of it:

Washing and ironing kids' uniforms.
Night time routine for both dc.
Getting them up, breakfasted and cajoled into being ready for school.
School drop off.
Weekly shopping.
Main laundry.
All house and garden maintenance.
All insurances, including my car.
All aspects of the relationship with his family, including presents.
Signing stuff for school.
Taking DC to their sports, including competitions.
Present buying.
Suggesting days out/holidays.

Now, I know there's not much cleaning above but we have a cleaner.

Doing the above frees up space in my head. I know it's done.

EllaHen · 20/10/2017 08:57

Oh, I forgot - he empties the dishwasher every morning and brings me a coffee.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 20/10/2017 09:06

What the hell do you do then Ellahen? Your DH will be on here moaning that he does it all 😂😂

EllaHen · 20/10/2017 09:10

Ha ha, indeed. I cook. Packed lunches. Em ... I book holidays.

Yes, you may be right. We are a team though and I wouldn't let dh be overworked or stressed. Or unhappy.

Louiselouie0890 · 20/10/2017 09:31

He doesn't do it because he knows ultimately you will.

Teddy7878 · 20/10/2017 09:39

My ex was like this and it drove me potty.
The only way it got better was sitting him down and being extremely assertive about not putting up with it a moment longer.
When he could see that I was seriously considering leaving him over it he soon bucked his ideas up but it didn't last long.

I'm now with someone who always makes as much effort as I do and I'm a lot happier

Motoko · 20/10/2017 11:04

Motoko - a singleton without a clue and a singleton for a reason ;) Comment on a thread with realities not dreams babygirl

enceladus I'm sorry I didn't reply to your post immediately, but considering you posted the first reply to me at 2.30am, I didn't see it due to being in bed, with my husband of 13 years (together for 18 years).
I am neither a singleton, nor a 'babygirl' at 54, so quit the name calling just because I didn't immediately jump to answer your question.

My husband doesn't have any children of his own, but he did raise my youngest son, since son was 7. He treated DS as if he was his own.

I'm now disabled (terminal cancer) and DH works full time, does all the housework, cooking, shopping, takes me to all my many hospital appointments and at the moment he's also decorating a room and doing diy.
When my bowels are bad and cramping so much that I'm in danger of passing out with the pain while having a shit, he sits in the bathroom with me in case I faint and topple off the toilet.
He cleans up my shit when my bowels have had an explosion. He cleans up my vomit.
He tells me I'm still beautiful to him when my hair is falling out and I look more like a cadaver.

I could go on, but that's enough. I didn't think there were really good men out there before I met him, but I always had hope because my dad was a good role model.
I had been married (domestic violence and abuse), and also had a LTR (controlling and financially tight-his money was his, and my money was ours). Neither of them did any housework, and very little childcare.

So, yeah, there are better men out there, they're not a fairytale or dream. Women don't have to set the bar low and put up with men who don't treat them as equals.

xxMsZxx · 20/10/2017 14:20

Sounds like you're his mum not his wife and that's what he views as a normal marriage because his view has never been challenged in a serious way. Husband brings home the bacon and wife is pretty much a single mum but with money and a grown man to look after. Are you wanting more of an equal relationship? It will be difficult for both of you to adjust to a new form of relationship but if it's what you BOTH want then it can be done. Get off mumsnet and have a serious talk with him.

EllaHen · 20/10/2017 14:21

Motoko - Flowers

emsmum79 · 25/10/2017 15:28

Just wanted to say thanks for the advice- i stopped doing a couple of the things that I do just for him, he noticed and went in a bit of a huff; and I wrote out a list of all my responsibilities and we had a good chat.
It's obviously only been a few days but he's offering to do more things and he's noticing more without prompting.
Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/10/2017 15:48

Hey that's good news! Hope it continues!

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