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AIBU?

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Original poster

Feeling so let down by DH

61 replies

emsmum79 · 19/10/2017 20:23

My dh is a good man (works hard, never wastes money, loves dd and i) but I feel so let down by how he is at home. He's always been like this but I feel it more acutely now that we have a daughter. I hate the thought of her growing up thinking that men don't need to take responsibility for anything.
He does housework, but only with prompting. He never does anything over and above. I have to notice if anything needs repaired or replaced. He never organises or suggests anything special for us. By 'special' i mean any treat for us as a family or for just us as a couple (a takeaway, trip to the swimming, dinner out type things). He doesn't take any real responsibility for our daughter - I decide and organise anything important (appointments, what groups we go to etc).
I do all the finances, all the cooking, plan every little thing.
When I talk to him about this he just says "yeah, you're right" but does nothing to change.
I feel so hacked off. I know that what I'm writing isn't anything major really, but it's just all mounting up.
How can I get him to understand that I'd really like him to take responsibility for something? Or at least appreciate what I do?

OP posts:
WishingOnABar · 19/10/2017 22:46

I dont know how you can do it op it depends on your set up, maybe feed dd early and eat something yourself in stealth. I just think he is relying on you panicking that it wont get done if you dont do it, and knowing he just has to wait it out

user1471449805 · 19/10/2017 22:46

Check out 'I've become a wifeworker' in aibu. There's a link to a brilliant cartoon that will explain your situation.

bluejelly · 19/10/2017 22:46

I’ve recently stopped doing my partner’s washing as he never does mine (or his). Ok so there’s a big pile in the laundry basket but at least I don’t have to hang out his pants. I’m hoping he’ll crack eventually.

bluejelly · 19/10/2017 22:46

(And if he doesn’t well that’s his loss)

Parker231 · 19/10/2017 22:51

You have enabled him to behave this way so need to take some responsibility. You can either carry on doing everything or he changes. Write a list of everything which needs doing to make your home function properly including parenting activities. Split the list 50:50 between you.

If he doesn’t do the weekly shop, he won’t be able to cook the evening meal. You won’t be there to take over as you’ll be out at a weekly class at the local gym whilst your DH spends time with your DD. See what happens!

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 19/10/2017 22:52

Can you make a big lunch for you and DD so that you're both fed? Then give her a snack/some tea before he comes home and wait for him to take the initiative for your dinner. If he doesn't, have a bowl of cereal or some porridge and leave him to fend for himself.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/10/2017 22:54

Do you both work ooh an equal(ish) number of hours?

CrackedEgg · 19/10/2017 22:58

I'd sit him down....ask him what sort of life he wants his daughter to have as a grown woman.....what sort of husband he wants her to have. He needs to understand that his daughter will more than likely go for a version of her dad. If he wants his daughter growing up thinking the best she can get is a man who has to be cajoled into doing housework, who is not involved in making her and their family feel loved or worthy of attention; if he wants his daughter to expect so little of the man she will settle with and have kids, then he's going about it the right way.

He needs to show her what sort of man she should be aiming for. A man who will do those special things, a man who isn't taking his wife for granted. He needs to be a man who is 50% responsible for the decisions, the chores and the running of a household. Tell him saying 'I know, I know' is frankly what pouty teenage boys say when berated by mum. He needs to be a man, and pull his finger out and be the best example of what a loving husband and father is for his daughters sake.

Audreyhelp · 19/10/2017 23:01

I have a husband like yours . But to be fair does sound like you love planning things yourself. At least he works.

Original poster
emsmum79 · 19/10/2017 23:02

My dh works shifts so he's sometimes here for dinner and sometimes not. I work pt but job is very full on and I bring work home. Our hours and wages are similar.
Dd is looked after by us and my parents.
I have no time for hobbies (I was very fit) so maybe being tougher will help me free up some time for myself.
@FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty, cereal/toast/tinned soup just wouldn't bother him. I don't know what 'ammunition' I have as he's not bothered by anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
emsmum79 · 19/10/2017 23:05

@CrackedEgg, you've nailed it. I also don't want my dd to grow up thinking "There's mum moaning again".
I just want a bit less burden and to feel appreciated.

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 19/10/2017 23:07

He behaves the way he does because he knows he can. You're his enabler. Freeze some easy stuff for your DD so you're not worrying about her meals and let him have a few nights of "oh darling you can pop tea on, i'm just popping out for a walk or having a bath". And walk away from the kitchen. It may take a few nights but he'll learn. It may be a few nights of takeaway while he scratches his head in bewilderment but you will get there with persistence.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/10/2017 23:09

For one little bit of ammunition, id drop anything you do for him, which by not doing will have no affect on your life. Don't do his laundry is a good place to start.

user1479335914 · 19/10/2017 23:36

Maybe you could cultivate an incompetent side that does not do organising and planning. It will give him a big surprise and maybe jolt him out of his comfortable apathy if he realises that you are not going to be doing that stuff. Take time out for yourself, go out, do something else leaving him at home to do the house, childcare etc. Be irresponsible for a bit. Just a suggestion. Good luck.

DJBaggySmallpox · 19/10/2017 23:39

Someone else had a brilliant suggestion for this, along the lines of 'every time you cant be bothered say out loud ''Fuck You, Wife; I'm too important for this, you can do it for me''.
You can rephrase it to suit yourself, how do you think he might react?

ShirleyValentineTwo · 19/10/2017 23:49

" he's not bothered by anything. "

ShirleyValentineTwo · 19/10/2017 23:49

Be more like him.

KarmaNoMore · 19/10/2017 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blanklook · 20/10/2017 00:22

Definitely second all the good ideas so far, especially cracked egg, i'd throw this into the mix too
english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

enceladus · 20/10/2017 01:03

I have a similar man emsmum 79. I laughed at blanklooks post, it is so apt! It is so frustrating, however if I do ask he does do. I think it would be a lot worse if you had a man who refused to do stuff when you asked.

I have been training him, unbeknowst to himself, for the last few years, so he has a pattern and he gets rewarded by good moods and sweet words :) He now has about 10 household tasks he is ultimately responsible for and does like an automaton. He is just so laid back (even though he has a serious job) he doesn't see what needs to be done. We have 3 kids, so it has gotten more frustrating with each, but by the time the third came, I was done in with a few health problems. He would sleep for a year, but I sat him down and said i couldn't do it, could he do all the night feeds for a couple of weeks and he did, no complaints, diligently put it into the laid back calendar in his mind. If I ASKED him to drive me 4 hours somewhere and collect me the following day, he would. If I ASKED him to scrub the house from top to toe if I am away, he would do it. In fact if I ASKED him to do anything I am pretty sure he would do it, but yes he has to be asked. He is a lovely person, so laid back he is horizontal, but needs cues. It's not a dealbreaker for me.

There are worse men out there.

Motoko · 20/10/2017 02:11

There are worse men out there

And there are better men too.

enceladus · 20/10/2017 02:30

LOL Motoko - instead of making a statement - describe a better man?

enceladus · 20/10/2017 02:32

What makes your significant other a better man and what stands out about how he handles his children, I really want to know, so I don't shortchange myself.

Haveyoutriedturningitoffandon · 20/10/2017 03:04

No time for hobbies? Your fitness has slipped? I've got a 2 birds, 1 stone suggestion for you.
Go and schedule a class/run/time to do an exercise DVD and that is your time. It's non negotiable. He works shifts, so it may be a different time every week/a couple of times a week, but that's ok.
In your time you're not available. He's responsible for everything in the house, and you won't be sorting stuff when you get home/finish because it's not your day/evening to do house things.
I get the feeling you'd prefer to do things as a family quite a bit, which is fine, but I've found what makes me a MUCH better mum and wife is being able to say, 'I'm off for a run/to the gym/out to Tesco for a mooch round the clothes' (why yes my hobbies are varied and diverse!) Wink
When you bring it up, and he says 'yeah I know' don't leave it there. Reply with 'well what are you going to do about it?' And then sit there silent until he comes up with a solution. Don't give him one, make him come up with ideas. Then hold him to them - dd may hear some reminding (think of it as reminding, nagging is a word made up by men to make women shut up and not call them out on their shit) but better that than growing up thinking girls, and then women, do everything round the house.
Go get fit and healthy, and model a healthy relationship to dd, you'll feel much better for it Flowers

enceladus · 20/10/2017 03:14

Motoko - a singleton without a clue and a singleton for a reason ;) Comment on a thread with realities not dreams babygirl.