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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find this annoying and weird?

78 replies

LostInTheTunnelOfGoats · 19/10/2017 19:26

I've noticed that a few of my friends/colleagues have partners who call them all the fucking time.

Went out with a colleague for lunch a few weeks ago- her DH rang her, she missed the call, she rang him back immediately, spent the next ten minutes talking to him. He rang twice more during our lunch. In the end she just went outside to talk to him. He works from home and she was going to see him again in less than an hour.

My friend is the same. Her husband is constantly ringing her. And it's usually absolute nonsense - not "please pick up milk", but "where are you, who is there, are you having fun, when are you home". He's honestly done this up to a dozen times when we've been on days out, and has started facetiming her too.

Then there are the women in the group I volunteer with. Every so often we have a group meeting and their phones are constantly buzzing and they are constantly nipping outside, and it's always their husbands, who apparently have been left at home on their own and can't seem to cope. All their children are secondary age so we aren't talking about leaving a baby to be EBF for the first time.

Once I went to training with one of them and her DH was just blowing up her phone "is there pizza in the fridge" type of thing. He also expected a blow by blow account of her travels - where are you now, are you on the motorway yet etc. She couldn't get over that I wasn't phoning my DH "to tell him where I was". I said I'd already told him that morning, and he knew I'd be back at X time.

I love my DH very much, and he is my favourite person to spend time with, but I just don't get this constant phoning. We may occasionally text each other if a school pick up plan has changed or we need loo roll, but we are adults and we don't need to be answerable to each other continually when we are apart.

I actually find it stressful at times, being around my friends whose partners do this - I can't have a conversation with them because it's constantly interrupted, I'm staying later at group meetings because we have to start all over again because someone has to nip out and explain to her DH for the sixth time that Jessica's gym tshirt is red not blue - it's no fun.

Aibu to find it deeply irritating? Honestly if DH was like this with me I'd feel claustrophobic.

OP posts:

Brittbugs80 · 19/10/2017 20:43

DH and I text each other when we've arrived at work, DH texts when he's leaving them will text when he has collected DS from after school club so I don't drive to get him.

We do the whole text when he arrives and leaves work as he works all over the country and I like to know he's arrived safe, he was in Scotland Monday, Manchester Tuesday, Cardiff Wednesday and London today. I text when I leave work if he's at home so he can get dinner ready!

If I go out, I always text to say I've arrived ok, but then I used to have to give my Dad "three rings" when I went out when I was younger!

But we don't generally phone through the day unless it's necessary.

Greatbigspud · 19/10/2017 20:44

I don’t understand it either, a woman who works in the same building as me is always lingering outside the lifts on our floor every lunchtime, chatting to her SO on the phone. Totally baffles me, especially because I see her being dropped off by him each morning when I arrive! How can you possibly need to speak so much?! It would drive me mad, the best part of my working day is getting to go sit somewhere alone and read and stuff my face, not chat endlessly to DP/Mum/friends!

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 19/10/2017 21:14

Brit that sounds like a lot of texting to me. I'd bloody refuse to do it. You must live in a constant state of worry.

I assume all is well in my life until someone arrives on the doorstep to tell me otherwise. Positivity. Less stress. Less fucking texts.

CountDuckulaTheSqueaky · 19/10/2017 21:25

My XH was like this, he nearly lost me my job. It's EA.

Brittbugs80 · 19/10/2017 22:18

Brit that sounds like a lot of texting to me. I'd bloody refuse to do it. You must live in a constant state of worry

A lot of texting? Really? He sends me two texts I day, I send him two.

Why would I be living in a constant state of worry?!

Brittbugs80 · 19/10/2017 22:23

Brit that sounds like a lot of texting to me. I'd bloody refuse to do it. You must live in a constant state of worry

Today's texts

"Arrived ok, waiting for machine have a good day love you"

I replied "hope it's not a long wait love you too"

4 hours later "leaving now, will get DS"

I replied "fab, thank you. Leaving now, stick the oven on please"

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 19/10/2017 22:31

Agree with you OP, I find it odd and a bit annoying when I'm spending time with friends who do this

I have one very good friend who's DH just seems to hate being on his own and always phones up when ever I go anywhere with her. Her DH is lovely but his neediness would drive me mad! If we go somewhere (i.e. evening trip to nearby City to see a show or band) he will virtually always phone while we are driving there so ends up on speaker phone talking to us both. They are both very good friends so I would never say anything but I do find it very odd

Apocalyptichorsewoman · 19/10/2017 22:36

I remember once working in research with 3 other women - all of us mums. We had a day conference about 100 miles away. We had to get the train from London. We all worked part time.

We met up at the station, had a coffee and got on the train. This is when mobile phones were in their infancy and you could just call and text.

The train pulled out of the station, and we got clear. Suddenly all four phones went off. It was the husbands. Convos went like this...

D -"No - they are in the tumble drier - if his school trousers aren't quite dry, give them another five minutes"

C - " No - world book day is tomorrow - he can't go in today dressed as a squirrel - I know thats what he says, but it's tomorrow! "

L - " Look - this is a yes or no question - are you up yet? "

Me "Well am on the train now - when you say he is wheezy, how wheezy are we talking about?"

We had the conference and came home. As soon as we pulled clear of the station coming home, the phones went again.

D just went "sorry - going through a tunnel!" made a staticky noise and switched it off.

We regarded her in awe, and went for a drink on the south bank! 😊

Gileswithachainsaw · 19/10/2017 22:49

This drives me nuts too. By all means text u arrived/got home safe or whatever but the constant calling and texting is ridiculous.you live with and see your partner daily and the friend you hardly get to see gets left sat there while you soend the entire time calling and texting the partner you just left.

It's up there with spending the entire evening taking selfies and photos and uploading to face book. Why can't you do that when you get home and be sociable now.

KoolKoala07 · 19/10/2017 22:55

Yanbu!!!! I'm so with you on this.
Me and a friend went out for dinner recently (her first night away from her ds in over 4 months). Food arrives 'ah I'm gonna send partner a picture'
Really? Why ffs? Has he never seen fajitas before.
She was really shocked that my Dh had been on a stag do (Friday to Sunday) and I'd only had 2 texts from him just to say he's still alive. I find it so pathetic.

icelolly99 · 19/10/2017 23:02

Oh no, i don't get this at all. I can go for a weekend away with friends and apart from me sending a 'we have arrived safely' text we won't contact each other until on the way home.

seven201 · 19/10/2017 23:02

Yanbu at all! Luckily I don't have many friends who do this. I saw a missed call from my dh today and he was a bit miffed that I hadn't called him back. I just said you'd have rung again or texted if it was important.

TitaniasCloset · 19/10/2017 23:12

I can't stand this either yanbu. I was born before all this mobile phone nonsense and am well known for hardly ever answering my phone or just turning it off and leaving it at home. I have a nice smart phone now and use it for Mumsnet and Spotify but will still avoid calls sometimes if I don't feel like talking.

My sister says I'm hard to get hold of, she calls me the Scarlet Pimpernel 'we seek him here we seek him there...'

Pinkvoid · 19/10/2017 23:39

The downside to mobile phones is being contactable at all times- it isn’t always necessary and we survived for thousands of years without the ability.

I find it irritating too. My DP has a friend that’s girlfriend FaceTimes him every time he goes out which is clearly to make sure he is where he said he would be. It’s all very controlling and weird.

Catinthecorner · 20/10/2017 00:08

We aren’t normally the multiple contacts a day type but at the moment we’re tryig to sort out a complex health issue (mine) via insurance (provided by his work so only he is allowed to talk to the money side). It’s taking a lot more coordination then I thought it would and therefore we call/text a lot.

Telstar99 · 20/10/2017 00:12

Sounds awful. I don't even have my phone ON when I am out with a friend.

Sounds really controlling and suffocating.

Why do they need to ring unless it's an emergency?

Mittens1969 · 20/10/2017 00:56

My DH and I have a catch up once during the day, he normally calls me as he’s the one at work and he’s often got meetings that I don’t want to risk disturbing. It’s nice, but if it doesn’t happen it’s not an issue. Sometimes he leaves a message for me if I’m not able to get to the phone.

No, I don’t get this calling several times a day either, that would be far too needy and claustrophobic IMO. And if my phone rings while I’m with a friend, I check to see if it’s the school; if not I wait for the message, even if it’s DH.

PeachMelbaPud · 20/10/2017 01:10

Yanbu, it's fucking annoying, not to mention controlling.

blanklook · 20/10/2017 01:44

OP, that's so controlling of your friend's DH.
I'd have been saying loudly as close as I could get to her phone
Does he not trust you to have lunch with a woman?
Is he so controlling he has to keep tabs on you?
Is he one of those men who wants to isolate their partner from all their friends.
Does he do this to you all the time, that's a sign he has problems.

Maybe the men don't realise what they are doing in which case they need to be told to back off, or maybe it's more sinister.

lilly0 · 20/10/2017 01:49

I ring dp every lunchtime most days or he rings me. Have done this for years I don't like texting so if I want to ask him or remind him of something I ring.

oldlaundbooth · 20/10/2017 02:09

I'd hate this.

DH and I never speak during the day unless it's an emergency. I'll hear his news that evening.

I occasionally text him to say hello if he's lucky

Oxcheeks · 20/10/2017 02:17

My ex-he was like this, would phone me multiple times a day for no reason and continued to do it after I remarried, how my hubby coped I really don't know, thankfully we don't speak any more - he doesn't even reply to my texts (which are only to do with money, I don't receive any maintenance, my choice but I feel that he needs to contribute to some things, uniform etc)

KoalaD · 20/10/2017 03:14

It's annoying as shit.

It's also pretty rude to the person you're actually with.

IceBearRocks · 20/10/2017 03:28

DH calls me possibly if he's going to be late from work... Usually a text !
I'll call if it's an emergency... DS with epilepsy !
He's only just got Whatsapp too... Just secure enough in our relationship to not need to be in contact every minute! He also has a busy and stressful job so I try to not add to that stress!

Whatsername17 · 20/10/2017 03:48

My best friend and I play the 'are you having fun?' text game. During the 3 hours we have together every other month, one of our dh s will text at least once. We ignore them.

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