I'm so ungrateful I know I'm being U but what should I do?

[sickofmyself1]

One of my expensive kitchen appliances has broken. Money is tight at the minute and it's a blow.

DP and I are engaged but not living together. DP has an income much larger than mine and has been saying for ages oh I want to buy you a new X but I've said no it's alright. I would have preferred to save up and buy it myself and had thought it would be alright for another while! I was quite shocked it suddenly is useless.

DP then had a few drinks and said I'm going to buy you the top of the range one, because you get what you pay for and you're worth it I want you to have the best. I said I'd think about it, not sure if I was ok with it, but privately thought yes there's a grain of truth in it that buying better quality is good if you can afford it. There was lot of oh I got this excellent one for my (adult) daughter and she loves it, it's a beautiful product, well worth it, I want you to have the best.

Next day DP has had total change of heart, is assuming I want it bought for me but wants to buy the cheapest one. I feel really awkward about this but it's really not that helpful to get the absolutely cheapest of the bunch.

So I've said not to go ahead and order it and now things feel awkward between us.

I'm shit with this kind of thing and know I'm b u because it's generous and I basically am looking a gift horse in the mouth! But at the same time, I can't help feeling a bit like - would this be the same when we're married, Because of our different incomes will I always be the poor relation in my own home when we live together?

Money has never made me uncomfortable in my relationship before now but now I'm wondering.

I guess this is why having different incomes can create problems?

Two things.

1. He offered you something nice and then retracted the offer sharpish as soon as he realised you were going to take him up on it/he sobered up a bit. Why do you think this is OK? It really isn't.
2. It's not good to over stress about this sort of thing. It seems as if you are agonising over it while he is probably merrily continuing on his way with barely a second thought. If your respective attitudes continue I get a nasty feeling that you are going to be at a disadvantage throughout the whole relationship.

I know I am agonising it but DP definitely knows something is wrong and is texting asking if I'm ok, probably because I was a bit subdued and quiet all day. So that will provide a way in to discuss it.

Yes if the idea of the top class item hadn't been offered I would have had to go out and buy what I can afford and possible taken out interest free credit to pay for the one I need. So that's the thing, I'm worried I sounded like I was waiting to be offered and now am coming across as ungrateful. Except it is difficult because even before it broke DP was commenting saying I needed a new one and it could be a Christmas present, and I think honestly I'd have been very grateful for that and able to accept it happily. But never expected the expensive one and talk of it then it being off the table, that all threw me.

STOP WORRYING!!!!! Honestly, you are putting yourself at a major disadvantage in this relationship, and yes he may well know that something is wrong, but I bet he doesn't really give a shit. If he did, he would never have treated you like this in the first place.

YOU ARE NOT BEING UNGRATEFUL!

It NOT being entitled to say that the cheapest item doesn't fit your needs!
Entitled would be to EXPECT him to,lay for a new one, top of the range. Which yoU don't.
He proposed it, then retracted the offer. His issue. You don't have to accept something you don't want.

Cambione irs really not helping to hear you say my partner doesn't give a shit about me. This is a snapshot of my relationship and I generally feel very cared about indeed.

I get that I'm worrying excessively but this is not the pattern for our relationship normally. Yes I am worried about this situation but it's a bit of a jump for you to say my partner doesn't give a shit about me.

Yeah I am starting to see its not me being ungrateful, thank you all.

Sorry, it probably wasn't very kind to say that he doesn't give a shit. I do strongly feel, though, that you are allowing yourself to be treated in a not very kind way here.

Hi op i totally get about you not wanting to look like a cocklodger. I think if you are able to access interest free credit then do that, buy the model you want and have it out with him that you're confused about where you stand. No way that could look like a cocklodger as you have purchased it yourself.

Money is hard to discuss in my opinion when finances are separate and you earn less than your DP. I've been there and was proud of my independence, asking for a more appropriate split of costs felt like grovelling and my DP could never really understand why as my outgoings were less. He never truly appreciated that it was all relative as my income was considerably less, so it reared its head time and time again.

Maybe he retracted his offer of the most expensive one as he didn't want to come across as the 'big I am' swooping in and paying for a flash cooker.

Maybe he didn't want you to feel inadequate salary wise if he can buy an expensive one and you can't.

Maybe he thought you would accept him buying it if it was a cheaper model?

Did you speak to him last night?