I'm so ungrateful I know I'm being U but what should I do?

[sickofmyself1]

One of my expensive kitchen appliances has broken. Money is tight at the minute and it's a blow.

DP and I are engaged but not living together. DP has an income much larger than mine and has been saying for ages oh I want to buy you a new X but I've said no it's alright. I would have preferred to save up and buy it myself and had thought it would be alright for another while! I was quite shocked it suddenly is useless.

DP then had a few drinks and said I'm going to buy you the top of the range one, because you get what you pay for and you're worth it I want you to have the best. I said I'd think about it, not sure if I was ok with it, but privately thought yes there's a grain of truth in it that buying better quality is good if you can afford it. There was lot of oh I got this excellent one for my (adult) daughter and she loves it, it's a beautiful product, well worth it, I want you to have the best.

Next day DP has had total change of heart, is assuming I want it bought for me but wants to buy the cheapest one. I feel really awkward about this but it's really not that helpful to get the absolutely cheapest of the bunch.

So I've said not to go ahead and order it and now things feel awkward between us.

I'm shit with this kind of thing and know I'm b u because it's generous and I basically am looking a gift horse in the mouth! But at the same time, I can't help feeling a bit like - would this be the same when we're married, Because of our different incomes will I always be the poor relation in my own home when we live together?

Money has never made me uncomfortable in my relationship before now but now I'm wondering.

I guess this is why having different incomes can create problems?

[Eliza9917]

Maybe he retracted his offer of the most expensive one as he didn't want to come across as the 'big I am' swooping in and paying for a flash cooker.

Maybe he didn't want you to feel inadequate salary wise if he can buy an expensive one and you can't.

Maybe he thought you would accept him buying it if it was a cheaper model?

Did you speak to him last night?

[Imstickingwiththisone]

Hi op i totally get about you not wanting to look like a cocklodger. I think if you are able to access interest free credit then do that, buy the model you want and have it out with him that you're confused about where you stand. No way that could look like a cocklodger as you have purchased it yourself.

Money is hard to discuss in my opinion when finances are separate and you earn less than your DP. I've been there and was proud of my independence, asking for a more appropriate split of costs felt like grovelling and my DP could never really understand why as my outgoings were less. He never truly appreciated that it was all relative as my income was considerably less, so it reared its head time and time again.

[Cambionome]

Sorry, it probably wasn't very kind to say that he doesn't give a shit. I do strongly feel, though, that you are allowing yourself to be treated in a not very kind way here.

[sickofmyself1]

Yeah I am starting to see its not me being ungrateful, thank you all.

[sickofmyself1]

Cambione irs really not helping to hear you say my partner doesn't give a shit about me. This is a snapshot of my relationship and I generally feel very cared about indeed.

I get that I'm worrying excessively but this is not the pattern for our relationship normally. Yes I am worried about this situation but it's a bit of a jump for you to say my partner doesn't give a shit about me.

[LewisThere]

It NOT being entitled to say that the cheapest item doesn't fit your needs!
Entitled would be to EXPECT him to,lay for a new one, top of the range. Which yoU don't.
He proposed it, then retracted the offer. His issue. You don't have to accept something you don't want.

[Motoko]

YOU ARE NOT BEING UNGRATEFUL!

[Cambionome]

STOP WORRYING!!!!! Honestly, you are putting yourself at a major disadvantage in this relationship, and yes he may well know that something is wrong, but I bet he doesn't really give a shit. If he did, he would never have treated you like this in the first place.

[sickofmyself1]

I know I am agonising it but DP definitely knows something is wrong and is texting asking if I'm ok, probably because I was a bit subdued and quiet all day. So that will provide a way in to discuss it.

Yes if the idea of the top class item hadn't been offered I would have had to go out and buy what I can afford and possible taken out interest free credit to pay for the one I need. So that's the thing, I'm worried I sounded like I was waiting to be offered and now am coming across as ungrateful. Except it is difficult because even before it broke DP was commenting saying I needed a new one and it could be a Christmas present, and I think honestly I'd have been very grateful for that and able to accept it happily. But never expected the expensive one and talk of it then it being off the table, that all threw me.

[Cambionome]

Two things.

1. He offered you something nice and then retracted the offer sharpish as soon as he realised you were going to take him up on it/he sobered up a bit. Why do you think this is OK? It really isn't.
   
2. It's not good to over stress about this sort of thing. It seems as if you are agonising over it while he is probably merrily continuing on his way with barely a second thought. If your respective attitudes continue I get a nasty feeling that you are going to be at a disadvantage throughout the whole relationship.

[Motherbear26]

You just need to tell him exactly what you’ve said here. That’s how you feel and there’s honestly nothing to feel embarrassed or awkward about. You don’t sound grabby or accusatory at all, you’re just after some sort of explanation as to what made him change his mind so suddenly. Fwiw, I would want to know why he offered the top of the range and then backtracked too. It just seems so strange!

[TheDevilMadeMeDoIt]

It's not that I'm anxious about saying I'm upset. I'm anxious because I don't want to come across as entitled to a higher quality standard of living because my partner earns more than me, like a sort of female cocklodger.

But none of this would have happened if he hadn't made such a big deal of getting the best and then downgrading to the cheapest. If he'd just left you to do as you wanted and buy your own, you'd have been fine.

By all means tell him that you're not looking for him to pay and that you'd rather pay for it yourself and get the one you want. But what he said the night before, and then what he said in the morning, have left you very confused.

You don't sound like a (female) cocklodger. There's nothing wrong with wanting to resolve the situation so that you both know where you stand in future.

[sickofmyself1]

Ok, I could do that I think. I'm aware I'm very sensitive about this, probably making it more difficult than it should be really.

[Whinesalot]

Just take the bull by the horns and say you want a slightly better model. Is it best you pay the difference as he is being so generous don't mention his retraction or would he be ok paying for a slightly better version as it's probably a false economy to get the cheap one and anyway it doesn't come with xyz features that you want.

Just treat it as one of the other sensitive talks that you have successfully negotiated so far.

[sickofmyself1]

It's not that I'm anxious about saying I'm upset. I'm anxious because I don't want to come across as entitled to a higher quality standard of living because my partner earns more than me, like a sort of female cocklodger.

I just feel... Slightly embarrassed I think, like it was all about how I deserved the best, then next day - obviously that feeling had gone. That makes me feel a bit inferior somehow, like I'm not worth as much upon sobering up and careful consideration. Ugh I don't know it's hard to describe.

[TheDevilMadeMeDoIt]

I think you need to raise this by using his own terms back at him.

Tell him that he said he'd buy you the most expensive one because you deserve it, and now he will only buy you the cheapest one, and how that makes you feel.

Ask him not to make promises he can't or won't keep.

Tell him that you're confused, because this isn't how things have been before.

You seem quite concerned not to upset him. But whether he meant to or not, he's upset you and it's OK to talk to him about it.

[Bluntness100]

Has he given a reason for his change of mind op? Could there be an element of if you’re getting married in 18 months and won’t be living in your house, why buy an expensive cooker?

I think if you literally have no cooker and can’t afford one you really have to accept. Unless you can do interest free credit?

[AcrossthePond55]

Well, BFF's DH treated her pretty well before they were married, too. AND he still occasionally throws her a 'bone' in the form of an expensive gift to keep her sweet. She drives a cheap car whilst he has a top of the range Land Rover. But he bought her a Vuitton bag as a 'surprise', so that makes it all OK.

[sonjadog]

I think a good way to discuss it is to sit down, say you want to talk about something that happened that has being playing on your mind, tell him how you see it as you explained in your OP and then see what he says in response. It might be a misunderstanding and he thought you really didn´t want him to buy you the expensive one. Or it might be that he is showing a less pleasant side of him that you would be well to find out more about before you get more serious.

[sickofmyself1]

AcrossThePond that sounds completely awful for your friend

I don't think I'm worried about a similar situation for myself... My DP treats me so well and with so much respect and I've never had a feeling like this before, it's not a pattern. However I am concerned.

[sickofmyself1]

Sorry I need to read rest of thread, but why can't we be engaged? We plan to be married in about eighteen months time, but are unsure as to where we will live once married.

Marrying requires careful planning due to both our circumstances, a longish engagement is needed to plan things.

I'm not just saying I'm engaged for some nonsensical reason.

[AcrossthePond55]

So let me see if I understand. He offers to buy you a 'top of the line' item, later decides that said item would be 'yours' (as in you would be the one to use it most or all of the time?) so decides to get you the cheapest one.

I think you are correct to be concerned about how he sees money being handled once you are married and that you need to have a frank discussion about it. Joint account? Separate accounts? House hold expenses 50/50 or 'pro rata' based on income? How will purchase of household items be handled? He'll buy himself a top of the range lawnmower because he mows the lawn but you should only get a bottom of the range cooker because you do the cooking? (I know, I gender stereotyped there, but whatever).

I'd also want to clarify how he sees domestic chores being handled? 50/50? Based on 'time at home'? Or 'the one who earns the most, does the least'?

BFF's DH is just like this. He earns double what she does, they have separate finances but do joint purchases for household goods and maintenance. Whenever it's something that's primarily 'his' they get the top of the range. When it's something that's primarily 'hers' it's the cheapest he can find. He does pay the lion's share for both, but it's just indicative of the fact that he puts very little value on her as a person. He doesn't think she deserves the same 'nice things' that he does because she earns less. They have a shit ton of other problems (he's an abusive alcoholic) but his tightness and disrespect of her value are a couple of bricks in their marital wall.

[Eliza9917]

My h2b knows I want a lovely big range cooker with whatever great features they have (I haven't looked yet as I don't want to know what we're missing out on ), and I also want a big american fridge freezer, plus a dishwasher and a tumble drier (we don't have either at the moment) when we move and plan a new kitchen. And I also want a utility room I've told him what we need from now so there are no nasty surprises in the future

The difference is, we live together and pool our money, money is just household money, not his & mine so the matter is much simpler than for OP where they don't live together yet. Our issue will just be can we afford it, rather than who pays for it and in what ratios.

I personally feel its a bit odd to feel awkward about accepting an appliance from your future husband, let alone discussing it, as it will be a household item and therefore benefit you both.

[Motoko]

Tell him you appreciate the offer, that you thought a top of the range one was a bit over the top, but that the cheapest one is unsuitable, so either he buys you one that YOU deem suitable, or if he doesn't want to spend that much, you'll pay the difference in cost.

Also, point out that it's rather hurtful to offer the most expensive one, then backtrack to not only a cheaper one, but the cheapest. It makes you feel that he doesn't value you.

[InvisibleKittenAttack]

For this case, go with the suggestion earlier of something like "actually, I would rather have a different make and model, so thank you but I'll save up until I can get the one I want."

Then really, there's no point having "shared money and shared purchases" conversations, until you can have the "living together" conversation. If living together isn't on the cards, is there any point in calling yourselves engaged when being married isn't something you could reasonably expect to happen?