Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To be creeped out???

76 replies

Orangewater33 · 18/10/2017 21:56

Long story short - met a guy at the park a few weeks ago with his son 4(same age as mine) and his daughter(22) he is 56 I am 34.
He asked us to go for a playdate with him and another mom, I agreed but she didn't turn up and we spent the day at his alone with the kids playing.
Had a second visit where we went to the library and then I called to his house last night(we live close) and he asked us to stay for dinner.
Things were fine and the boys were playing when he came out of the kitchen and I was holding his electric wine bottle opener.
He walked in and said 'it looks like a big dld'..
I was like - 'does it?' already feeling uncomfortable..
He kind of scoffed as though I was being prudish and then proceeded to start talking about orgasms, sex and how he respects women who enjoy sex even though most guys think they're w**res'..
I don't know why, maybe just a culmination of multiple things but I just feel really disappointed..
Why do men seem incapable of behaving in a respectful manner? Am I just being prudish? I hate that feeling when guys do this and they think it's totally fine but we're sitting there alone with them starting to panic a bit and wondering what to say to get out of the situation..
If we go along with the convo we're up for it...if we don't we're prudish and frigid..
Hope it's ok to post this because I could really do with some thoughts on it :/

OP posts:

oldlaundbooth · 19/10/2017 00:51

FWIW it sounds like you were a bit quick off the mark to have his daughter babysit for you too.

You don't know these people!

Original poster

Orangewater33 · 19/10/2017 00:55

It's obvioisly diffocult to paint the picture with words but for start, my son has never been left alone with anyone as a babysitter apart from his Grandma...we're alone here in North America without family, they seemed like a simply genuine and friendly family, father, daughter and son. I didn't go to his house after one meeting, we all chatted for a few weeks before and the first time was originally to meet at the museum with another family so can you guys at least try and comprehend how innocent everything genuinely seemed without making me feel like I just dangled my child over a river of crocodiles...
How does anyone organisé babysitter she or make friends without chatting and getting to know people ne when things feel fine and feiwndly do you not make your choices accordingly?
The first time the other mother cancelled so the kids played in the yard which faced directly o to the street beside the park so it did not feel uncomfortable or suspicious in anyway..
I would never have left my son with anyone without l owing them for a longtime ..
I'm kind of confused altogether now, are we basically supposed to treat all men as potential sexual predators?

OP posts:

Original poster

Orangewater33 · 19/10/2017 00:56

God sorry for all the typos, I'm on my phone and the screen is cracked..

OP posts:

Original poster

Orangewater33 · 19/10/2017 00:57

What's wrong with people here? Why are you talking about planning to get drunk? No one was getting drunk..

OP posts:

MrsLupo · 19/10/2017 01:12

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP tbh. It's not at all outlandish to strike up a friendship with another parent that you regularly see in the park. The only difference here is that the other parent is a dad instead of a mum. If OP had said: I feel uncomfortable taking my DC on a playdate because the other parent is a single dad, she would have got a scornful pasting for gender stereotyping and seeing sexual predators behind every bush - even though a certain amount of wariness is probably sensible and certainly common.

I think the posters saying that they wouldn't go on a playdate at the house of a newish female friend either are full of shit tbh. What do you think you were doing the first time one of your kids made a friend at school or nursery? Those kids' mums are still basically strangers - that's why you go with your child instead of leaving them and going shopping. Which is why actually the only thing in this scenario that's really making me raise my eyebrows is the notion of hiring a very new friend - male or female - as a babysitter. In that respect, OP, I think you did lack judgement.

As for being creeped out, well, yes, he was a creep. It's going to be a shame for his DS if he behaves like this with all the mums he meets in the park or at the school gate, as no one's going to be coming back for a second playdate, are they? I don't think you did anything wrong though. Chalk it up to experience.

christinarossetti · 19/10/2017 01:16

OP, it sounds like you handled the situation well from the outset.

There's a middle ground between automatically trusting people and approaching life thinking that all men are sexual predators.

It sounds like you took it ie meeting up in public places, removing yourself from an offensive situation. You couldn't possibly know how this man would behave and you responded well.

christinarossetti · 19/10/2017 01:21

OP said that she and the daughter chatted about the possibility of her babysitting her child.

Something along the lines of 'I:d be very happy to babysit if you want to go out one evening, 'oh thanks, that's kind of you...' I would imagine rather than a firm arrangement

Telstar99 · 19/10/2017 01:22

Yeah people shouldn't be having a go at the OP. She made an error of judgement, and she got away quickly - thankfully!

We have all done daft things, including a few that have put us in potential danger. No point denying it!!!!!!

TheRollingCrone · 19/10/2017 01:23

You met another parent. You thought they were genuine and nice, they appeared to be. HE is the huge fucking tool. Not you. I hope you never have the misfortune to see him again. But if you do tell him to fuck himself with his adult toy looking wine opener.
for you OP. Opened with a non sexual kitchen implement

Original poster

Orangewater33 · 19/10/2017 01:23

Yes exactly, we discussed the possibility of her maybe babysitting sometime(obviously under the proviso that we got better acquainted) I felt it could have been a possibility as she was mature and had her little brother the same age.
That was all, like I said I basically go nowhere ever because I stay home to care for my son rather than leave him with anyone other than myself or his grandparents(who don't live here).

OP posts:

Original poster

Orangewater33 · 19/10/2017 01:28

The bottle opener wasn't even remotely phallic, no one was getting drunk, it just came so out of the blue. My original post was to try and gauge if I'm being prudish to not think it appropriate to bring up dildos and sex at the table because I have been confused in the past having men tell me I'm prudish or frigid.
I don't have a problem with sex I just find the whole thing was really uncalled for but it is interesting to me that almost everyone has more of a problem with the fact that I was friendly and amiable to his initial friendliness.
In work today I was talking with my colleagues and we basically agreed that if you're a woman just even accepting an invite to a mans house basically leaves you at fault for anything even rape, so essentially our lesson is suspect Everyman you meet bs even if everything seems innocent and friendly if he turns out to be sleazy or offensive it's your fault for being there?

OP posts:

Ionarocks · 19/10/2017 01:29

Sorry you were in that situation op, it sounds very scary and you were right to leave straight away.

No I don't think we should treat all men as sexual predators but we should use caution. I think it's unwise to go to anyone's house alone after just a couple of meetings if you don't know much about the person (e.g., they can't be easily traced such as have a child at the same school as you). I would use the same caution as if it were an internet date or something, so meet in public places for playdates until you really trusted them.

For what it's worth my dh is amazing, a feminist and I know lots of other great men so not all predators.

lollipop7 · 19/10/2017 01:29

I think with something like this you've to accept that some people will think you were naive. It doesn't mean you were, but the sad reality is these days are not so carefree as they used to be and we must be more on our guard. As you are now I expect, and it's a shame as for every nut job there are at least ten decent, functioning fellow adults who you can forge friendships with in the ways you describe. I think that is a really hard balance to strike in modern life, all, the issues of being safe, making new friends, having experiences and then with young children added into the mix even more so.

You can't legislate for the behaviour of others and clearly he projected an image of himself in one setting that was not the same as the person he revealed himself to be once you were in his house. People who are practised in these behaviours are often very skilled at concealing the red flags that you might otherwise have picked up on.

You don't need to justify your actions. He does but cannot. You kept your cool and got out of there so really that's what matters.

Maddiemademe · 19/10/2017 05:56

Bloody hell good old victim blaming our in force . Funnily enough most women wouldn't have thought twice about going back to another woman's house for a play date that they had only met a few times.

OP you are not to blame for this mans actions and hope you are ok.

Slimthistime · 19/10/2017 07:21

Bloody site ate my post

OP"because I have been confused in the past having men tell me I'm prudish or frigid."

Age old remark designed to make you doubt yourself when you say no to a guy. See also "are you a lesbian". Ignore it. Or tell them "suck my dick".

So what if someone is prudish or frigid? That's their right anyway.

hesterton · 19/10/2017 07:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 19/10/2017 07:44

Christ, can’t believe some of the remarks on here. Basically accusing her of meeting some random guy and going to his house with her kid to get drunk.

Op. You don’t need to explain yourself to the “always blame the woman drama lamas”, you’ve done nothing wrong.

Clearly the guy has thought the relationship would become physical but his comments are crude and concerning. I suspect he’s the one who thinks women who like sex are whores. At least you know who he is now, what kind of man, and can steer clear.

You’re not prudish it was an inappropriate conversation.

strugglingtodomybest · 19/10/2017 07:46

I don't think you've done anything wrong, or even naive. As you've noticed, a lot of posters on here can't read properly, so ignore the frothier posts.

As for creeping you out, well it did, so that's that isn't it? It wouldn't have creeped me out but that's me (although saying that, it would very much depend on tone). There's no right or wrong here.

KarmaNoMore · 19/10/2017 08:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zizismummy · 19/10/2017 08:07

I wouldn't even feel comfortable if a woman I just met tried to talk to me about them kind of things.

AVOID

Zogthebiggestdragon · 19/10/2017 08:26

Bloody hell, Op, you've had a lot of victim blaming responses on here. You did nothing wrong, you met someone who seemed to be in the same circumstances as you. I met another mum recently in the park and because our kids got on we exchanged phone numbers and are planning to meet up. Guess that makes me unresponsible according to some of the frothing people on here.
He was doing that thing that creeps do where they test out how far they can go. You did the right thing. Please don't question yourself.

crimsonlake · 19/10/2017 08:37

I do not think there was ever another mum due at the same playdate at his who then cancelled at last minute, he made this up to get you to his house

tehmina23 · 19/10/2017 08:48

I've been in a similar situation but with no child involved where a man I known for several months at work locked me in his house & basically turned out to be a complete psycho - now I don't trust men at all!!

I was lucky to escape that one!

I know how you feel OP, it's sad but yes, I don't think you should trust even men you know.

Tapandgo · 19/10/2017 16:28

No OP - the majority of men are not predators. Most of us have partners who are not, and sons who are not, and friends who are not. You just met a creep whose line in patter was inappropriate on every level and in every society.
You are not responsible for HIS behaviour - you made one error of judgement when it came to meeting with him in a private space.

Leave it in the past - most of us have done something ill-judged at some point in our life or will do. You are safe - let it go and learn from it.

Thinkingofausername1 · 19/10/2017 16:34

I would be wary in future.
Stick with your female friends and don’t be alone with him again

Flip

1 2 3 4