To ask for your moving in with DP tips

[Backoff85]

Me and DP will soon be moving in together, currently at house viewing stage.

He spends most of his time at mine anyway so it isnt going to be a massive shock.

I was wondering if you had any random tips or advice - if you could go back to your past self on the day before you moved in with your partner, what word of advice would you give?

Oh and btw, we live in a cheap part of the country so its possible we may get the opportunity to have more bedrooms than we need - I was toying with the idea of having "our own" bedrooms

Let the little things go.
I know DH isn't trying to wind me up by not putting his mug in the dishwasher anymore than I'm trying to wind him up by leaving my hair in the bath. Never assume the worst - always assume the best of you're other half.
Never expect everything to always be 50/50 - sometimes you'll be more in the mood to clean and sometimes he will.
Remember to do little things to surprise each other.
Go out and have a date night once a week if you can.

I love living with my husband - it's like living with my best mate. All it took was for both of us to chill out a bit! And we very rarely fall out.

Don't start doing his washing or cleaning up after him. It's MUCH harder to stop once you have started.

Have a chat about division of household labour and agree on who will do what. Stick to it!

Talk about finances and decide how you will pay bills between you in a fair way. Also disclose any debts you each have.

Clear, defined roles are a must. Make money stuff fair. Expect to see a lot of his shit (literally).

Great reply by ethel

separate bedrooms -- if you can, do it. It's SO much better.

Definetly have somewhere to retreat.

Get a cleaner.

Be clear, upfront and fair about money for rent/bills before moving in.

Be clear about tidiness / cleanliness expectations - do not be one of these MN martyrs who wipes her DPs shit off the toilet or wee off the floor/seat.

Actually, that is a point - toilet seat up or down? Or lid always closed so you both have to lift?

Get the biggest bed you can afford - super king makes for much better nights sleep. You cuddle in the middle then roll apart to have lovely sleep.

Don't start doing his washing or cleaning up after him. It's MUCH harder to stop once you have started. .. and what's wrong with doing someones washing? If you want to stick a load on, stick a load on. I'm not sorting through a joint washing basket to be that bloody petty.

Pretty much what ethelfleda said. Don't take everything to heart, let the little things go and don't get hung up on things too much.
Make sure you keep your communication going, don't start bottling things up.
Have you time. It's hard for me as I moved to my current city for university, met my OH when I was in 2nd year (he didn't go to uni) and I've stayed here. All my uni friends have moved away and I don't really make friends easily so getting that me time is hard, but I always feel better for it even if its taking a saturday afternoon to myself to get my nails done or go and get a coffee and read a book.
Split the chores but it's not always going to be 50/50. My DP has been working 645am - late (he's still not home now at 9.45pm) so I've been doing his jobs like cleaning guinea pigs, taking bins out etc. It's give and take, but he's probably going to be going in late tomorrow or not at all so he'll hoover and hang the washing on the airers etc.
Remember to spend quality time together. Vegging watching TV is nice but if you start doing every night it can get a little stale. Even if you don't go out, sit and talk or do an activity like a jigsaw puzzle, as lame as it sounds, it'll be a laugh and talking will keep you close and connected.

Read Wife Work. Both of you. And then nurture a life that does not resemble it.

How sad people are even thinking about separate bedrooms in the early days of romance

I'd say to know upfront and accept there will be things you (or your families) have done differently that you won't even have thought of discussing, as it just never occurs to either of you that anyone would do / wouldn't do what you have grown up doing. Don't leap to the conclusion one way is 'better' or that the other person is 'being ridiculous' - understand that you both had different expectations and you need to find a way that works for you as a couple. This can be about how you spend Christmas, whether you paint toenails in the living room, whether you always eat at the table, or if you leave the toilet seat up or down. He isn't trying to be difficult anymore than you are - you just need to find your own way, as a couple.

Before living with now DH we would spend up to a week at a time at each other’s place, so underestimated the adjustment moving in together would be. Turns out we had always just done things his way at his place, and my way at mine - and (as corny as this sounds) had to start finding ‘our way’ of doing things rather than hanging onto previous habits.

Took a little bit of patience but we got there!

and what's wrong with doing someones washing? If you want to stick a load on, stick a load on. I'm not sorting through a joint washing basket to be that bloody petty.

Have separate washing baskets. Seriously. There is no need to women to be doing their man's washing for them.

I would say make sure that you both take equal responsibility for housework, shopping, cooking etc. So many women fall into taking on the lions share of housework aka “woman’s work” when they first move in together. I know plenty who didn’t mind and were happy to do it in the early stages but over time it became the established norm and was difficult if not impossible to change.

Finances. It’s important to have an open discussion about this as people tend to assume their own approach is the norm. Decide if you want a joint account for rent, bills, household shopping etc. If not, agree how you intend to work things so that neither one feels put upon. It sounds so petty but over time always being the one to notice coffee/bread/toilet paper is needed (and always paying for it) can lead to frustration and resentment. Likewise always being “owed” and having to ask because one paid a joint bill. I honestly think these are probably the main issues that couples row over.

Have the discussion before you move in together about equal division of housework. Even if he works long hours, has hobbies, etc.

Men can vacuum, dust, do yours and his laundry, go for the weekly shop alone, iron, buy their own socks, etc without expecting a substitute mum to do it for them all the time. They can also get involved in choosing furnishings etc. Don’t fall into wife work, you’ll regret it in the long term.

Clear up how finances will work at different stages of your lives/careers (if one of you earns significantly more, part time, maternity leave etc).

Do you have the same feelings about the big stuff - timescales for marriage and babies if that’s what you want. If not think carefully about moving in.

Have separate washing baskets. Seriously. There is no need to women to be doing their man's washing for them

Why have a washing machine running 6 half loads a week when it could run 3 full loads?!

Ridiculous.

Totally agree Brittbugs.

Some people seem to not understand there is a difference between being flatmates / house-sharers, and being a couple that is more than about having sex with a person.

I think it will just work itself out. Don't get into a rut. Have one night a week where you cook a fancier meal / candles etc.

Dh hasnt cooked in the eight years together. Not one night. I was happy at the start. Now it annoys me when he asks what should he eat (I even leave a meal when I am going out with friends myself)

don't do that!!!

Have your nail/hair time. Gym/keep your friends.

Why have a washing machine running 6 half loads a week when it could run 3 full loads?!

As long as you and your DP share all domestic tasks and it’s not only you who is washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing, shopping, etc.

I’d say over half the woman who post on MN donmore than half the shit-work.

I find it no drama to do my own full load once a week. If I have a couple of white things DP will put them in with his shirts or I’ll asknif he’s got any shirts. But I’m sure as hell not getting into worrying about if another adukt in the house has enough clean pants left.

Explain to his cat early on that he/she is not entitled to 1/3rd of the bed.

< This is on my pillow most nights and it's absurd.

Also question whether you need movies on DVD and Blu-Ray. I'm not sure it's as necessary as it's made out to be.

Don't make or rely upon assumptions about each other - talk about finances and expectations of life and including what will happen in the bad times and what ifs (including illness and money, and inheritance)

Even when you think you will have already done this and already got to know each other, make sure it wasn't just whimisical musing on someone's part.

Agree with the getting biggest bed you can have! Sleeping well helps with everything.

And to being vigilant about wife work etc. Nothing is precisely equal and there is give and take but there has to be fairness and equal respect for the importance of striving for fairness and balance.

It doesn't matter if you do things for him, so long as he also does things for you (that are equally onerous/ boring/ diffcult etc and adjusting for paid employement if necessary and some playing to your relative strengths etc). And so long as neither of you become 'helpless' (or hopeless!) if you have to swap your regular tasks.

I would say that whoever does most of the cooking gets at least one day of per week where the other cooks - and not just getting take away. Sometimes we all just need a break from stuff even if we don't mind it 90% of the time.

Thank and appreciate each other (because you are both so awesome at doing what needs doing)

Yes to loving the small things and celebrating each other and your great team work :)

As long as you and your DP share all domestic tasks and it’s not only you who is washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing, shopping, etc

The poster I was replying to said separate laundry baskets and you only do your own washing. It's ridiculous! I would never get a full load from just my clothes. So my reply makes sense, why run 6 half loads when you could run 3 full ones?! I'm not that ridiculous to sit and separate washing into piles of mine, his and DS's and only do my own and half of DS's.

I find it no drama to do my own full load once a week. If I have a couple of white things DP will put them in with his shirts or I’ll asknif he’s got any shirts. But I’m sure as hell not getting into worrying about if another adukt in the house has enough clean pants left

And it's less of a drama to see the laundry basket is full and stick a full load on in the relevant colour than go through it and pull out my own items.

From the half who you claim do too much, the other half seem to want everyone in the house doing their own washing, their own cooking, their own food shopping, their own cleaning, dealing with their own families, seperate beds/bedrooms, keeping their own names after marriage and only want marriage to ensure they get half of their partners worth after insisting on each other doing everything for themselves and anything outside of these realms is wrong.

I put a load of washing on yesterday. Before that it's been about two weeks as DH had done it. Before that, I put three on. I'm the one that always puts the washing away but that doesn't mean I'm in an abusive and unequal relationship!

Sometimes you can go too far and get too petty, all in the name of proving a point.

Granted there are some lazy arses out there but again, why are the woman who are so anti doing these jobs, doing them in the first place?

This thread turned fairly sexist pretty fast. Of course, each into their own but I completely disagree with the comments about never doing his washing etc etc
For the past 6 months DH has worked his backside off doing our house up with barely a rest. No way I'd expect him to also do half of the chores as well! It's about the bigger picture to me - if I get in from work half hour before he does then I'll do household chores because it means when he is home, we get to spend more time together just being together!

Also - one little sort of unspoken rule we have is - if it bothers you, you sort it out.... so I will out his mug in the dishwasher and he will clean my hair out of the bath. Simple but actually really works as we never ever nit pick at each other!

I personally think that have a happy relationship/marriage is far more important than bring so militant about who is doing what around the house! You'll each naturally take your own roles anyway...

Have a chat about division of household labour and agree on who will do what. Stick to it!

Do this long before you move in together.

Also, work out what money you need jointly for the house/food/holidays/treats etc. Split that by the same percentage as you both take home, and put that into a joint account and keep your own bank account with your own money in it for the rest of your earnings.

For us, it works out that we both put 65% of our take home pay into the pot and that covers everything from mortgage to holidays to house repairs and treats.

I don’t think many people are insisting on doing nothing for their partner, the point many posters are making is that it’s actually very common for the woman of the couple to end up doing far more of the household tasks despite both working full time.

Yes if you happen to be doing a wash it’s as easy to throw some of his in. As long as he also happens to do laundry regularly too! Otherwise it becomes the woman’s job and before she knows it it’s her fault when he discovers on Wednesday that he’s got no clean shirts for work. It’s fine to agree “if it bothers you, do it” provided OH isn’t an arse who insists his dirty socks piling up on the floor don’t bother him at all!

Of course moving in together involves a setting in period, some compromise and it’s entirely possible that OPs partner will automatically take on a fair share of responsibility. But please, let’s not pretend there aren’t lots of men who have been brought up in a household where a woman takes care of all this stuff and the men apparently don’t notice what needs doing or figure out that if they leave it long enough, the woman will just sort it. There must have been thousands of threads on MN over the years from women unhappy about the unfair division of housework!

I’m certainly not trying to piss on OPs chips, it’s lovely that they are moving in together and hopefully they’ll be very happy but it’s no harm to be aware of some very common issues that can arise.