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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think most people are in relationships out of fear?

77 replies

Backoff85 · 18/10/2017 15:58

Seems like i read a lot of threads and meet a lot of couples where one or both have cheated or arent happy or theres a big imbalance.

Sure there are other reasons to stay like sunken costs etc. But AIBU to think that lots of people stay because theyre scared of social stigma or having to downsize or just the quiet of an empty house?

I really respect single people.

OP posts:

LewisThere · 18/10/2017 16:42

It sibvious that part of the positive point of a relationship is that it gives you security.
In a financial pov (if you suddenly get ill and can't work), on an emotional pov etc...

I wouldnt say that people stay out of fear though.
More that they have done in their heads a balance sheet if all the pros and cons. In the pro column you have security and in total, there are more pros than cons.
Fwiw, esp when you have children, the security aspect is quite big. I dint find it crazy to think a mother would put that into consideration, to ensure that her dcs get the best life possible.

If course, if the relationship is abusive, then it won't compensate for the abuse.
But if the issue is cheating, not being happy or there is a big imbalance, the. Why not?

BeyondThePage · 18/10/2017 16:43

I'd rather be single that "settle", but DH rocks my world and hopefully I still rock his after 25 years together.

We are comfortable together - that does not mean we are together because we fear being single, we are together because we desire to be.

PurpleGrapePip · 18/10/2017 16:44

Sure some people are, I wouldnt say most though.

If I left my DH tomorrow I could very easily move back in with my parents with minimal effort and save up a fuckload of money and have enough for a mortgage deposit in maybe 2 or 3 years, or stay in our rental property and still afford to get by but not really save. I would still have my job and my friends and I'm fairly confident I could meet someone else and still live "happily ever after". Life without my DH is easily do-able and I could be happy without him. But I'd much rather be with him because I love him and he makes me happy.

beesandknees · 18/10/2017 16:45

Yanbu OP. Although no-one likes to hear this sort of thing. Hope you've got your hard hat on!

Folk tend to conveniently ignore that social structures exist in order to protect us from danger. Primates started to couple up and form families / communities millennia ago because it's safer that way.

People bond to (i.e. "fall in love with") their abusers as well as their lovers. Because on balance, as long as you've someone to protect you, even if it's someone who abuses you, you're more likely to stay alive long enough to reproduce.

Sad but true.

The idea of relationships as things that make us happy / fulfill us etc is an INCREDIBLY new idea. Like - less than a century old. Don't get me wrong, it's a wonderful idea and I hope it becomes the norm, but it really isn't the norm yet, except perhaps in a minority of very wealthy people in highly educated countries.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 18/10/2017 16:53

I think there's a significant number of people who go rapidly from one (not great) relationship to another out of fear of being single. They rush to become "partners" in half-hearted "committed" relationships and tend to repeat the patterns and flaws from previous relationships.

Having time as a single person to gain confidence in yourself can be positive and helpful before being available for another relationship in the future.

millifiori · 18/10/2017 16:53

I think that's a very distorted view OP. Most people I know are in functioning relationships. That doesn't mean they don't have bad times. But that long term, they are loving, supportive, a team, have hopes and dreams and plans together, have good times and affectioon and respect, and give and take.

DancesWithOtters · 18/10/2017 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HarrietKettleWasHere · 18/10/2017 17:04

Are you on the wind up OP?

demirose87 · 18/10/2017 17:07

I think there are people who are in relationships because they are scared of being alone, but I wouldn't say that it is most people. I'm with my partner because I love him and enjoy being in his company amongst other reasons. I've had enough bad relationships in the past to prefer being on my own rather than being with someone I don't want to be with, so if I wasn't with him I would be single.

WitchesHatRim · 18/10/2017 17:13

Well what a strange thread.

I'm with my DH because I love him to bits and him me. I miss him when he works away. He makes me laugh and let's me cry and I do him too.

We are a team.

YABU. I don't respect someone just because of their relationship status.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 18/10/2017 17:13

Very bizarre, most people are in relationships because they want to be with the other person for love, finances, wellbeing of kids, practicality, a whole heap of reasons which are the reasons people have been coupling up throughout history. When people say ltb it's ignoring the complex reasons behind any relationship, from memory single life was pretty easy but also very boring. For most people it's a transitional state not a state they aspire to

Original poster

Backoff85 · 18/10/2017 17:17

@beesandknees

Thanks bees. I think more interesting than my initial "crazy" post is actually the number of uber defensive "what on earth/how odd/how twisted/is this a wind up" replies I've read.

OP posts:

HarrietKettleWasHere · 18/10/2017 17:27

Well, why? It's a bit insulting to be honest that you think 'most' people are in a relationship because of fear.

DP is lovely. We're a team. We both bring stuff to the table. We also both have our own money and seierate interests. I could be single and be happy; right now I'm with DP and happy.

HarrietKettleWasHere · 18/10/2017 17:27

SEPERATE interests.

ShirleyValentineTwo · 18/10/2017 17:29

I feel it's a distorted view to think it's romantic, freeing or noble to leave as soon as a relationship is found to be wanting.

You cannot opt out in a society where there are already so many constraints put upon us. Rules and laws we must obey. We are never free, in or out of a relationship.

corythatwas · 18/10/2017 17:32

"Many" may well be true: it's vague enough to potentially encompass thousands or millions or billions. "Most" suggest definite proportions (more than 50%), which rather begs the question how you can possibly know.

Speaking for myself, I went to quite a few sacrifices and took a big chance to be in a relationship with one particular man: certainly not because there weren't any other options, or weren't any easier, less risky ones. I could have married someone from my own culture, or I could have stayed single: I am actually the kind of person who could have enjoyed a single, career-focused life. In my career, single women are actually very common and often more successful. But I've wanted to be with dh, ever since we met 35 years ago.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 18/10/2017 17:36

I think people stay in relationships for many reasons.

Finances being one, "needing" a man another, to avoid working etc. I don't think is really the social stigma that keeps people together.

loobybear · 18/10/2017 17:52

I kind of get where you're coming from OP and I do think there are lots of people in relationships like this although I'm not sure I'd agree that it's most.

I definitely preferred being single to being in a relationship as I loved the freedom and not having to think about another person when making life choices or decisions. When I met my husband he was the first guy that I was prepared to stick around for and it was definitely much more effort for me than being single (and sometimes still is) but it's been worth it.

I do know plenty of people who feel the need to always be with someone and will flit from partner to partner without ever being single. I think for those people being in a relationship must obviously be easier than being single.

It's just different strokes for different folks but I do think that people who feel like they HAVE to be in a relationship are more likely to end up with someone who is 'good enough' (or sometimes not even that) just so as not to be on their own.

lubeybooby · 18/10/2017 17:55

I think maybe a lot of people who post for advice on the relationships board have been finding themselves staying in an unhappy relationship out of fear

but that is just the people who need advice - the rest of us are chugging along very happy with no issues we need advice about and are likely the vast majority!

Sallystyle · 18/10/2017 18:00

Well, why? It's a bit insulting to be honest that you think 'most' people are in a relationship because of fear.

Why on earth be insulted? I am not insulted and I'm in a very happy marriage.

I don't get what the OP has done wrong by asking this. Can't people just disagree with her without accusing her of being on the wind up and calling her posts crazy etc?

TheDowagerCuntess · 18/10/2017 20:04

I agree - why be insulted? The OP isn't speaking to anyone directly, and she hasn't said 'everyone' is stuck in a relationship because of fear.

If it doesn't apply to you, then no need to react as if it goes.

FlandersRocks · 18/10/2017 20:16

Seems like i read a lot of threads and meet a lot of couples where one or both have cheated or arent happy or theres a big imbalance

Well when reading threads there will obviously be a huge imbalance - like a pp said, people don't generally post to say they're happy and settled and 'no news here'.

I'd be interested who the 'lots of couples' you meet are who are more than happy to tell you about their problems and infidelities though! Seems rather unlikely tbh.

I think yabu - undoubtedly there are 'lots' of relationships like you suggest but I doubt that it's the majority of relationships.

corythatwas · 18/10/2017 23:37

If I had judged from my early years on MN I would have concluded that most people have a child with SN. The reason of course being that I had a child with SN so I sought out those threads, read everything to do with SN with special attention and remembered it afterwards.

justilou1 · 19/10/2017 10:13

Nope - I'm definitely not. I can honestly say that I love, like and admire my husband. The sex is great, he's a grownup and he's completely trustworthy.
Just after we were married, (15 years ago) he got drunk at a friend's wedding and was verbally abusive. (Nothing major - like some of the things I've read here, but nothing I was willing to tolerate.). I told him that I would rather be single and happy than married and miserable. I had chosen to marry him without knowing that he was capable of that behaviour and I would chose to leave if it happened again. I had been perfectly happy being single before I met him and knew I would be again. I informed him that he had two choices - a counsellor or a solicitor. He chose the former and it has been invaluable to us both.
We've never taken each other for granted and we are kind and respectful in how we speak to and abut each other.

TraceyBond · 19/10/2017 10:53

Yes you are being unreasonable.

I'm stay in my relationship because I'm in love with a brilliant person. We share our lives, we're best friends, we work at the relationship.

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