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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most people are in relationships out of fear?

77 replies

Backoff85 · 18/10/2017 15:58

Seems like i read a lot of threads and meet a lot of couples where one or both have cheated or arent happy or theres a big imbalance.

Sure there are other reasons to stay like sunken costs etc. But AIBU to think that lots of people stay because theyre scared of social stigma or having to downsize or just the quiet of an empty house?

I really respect single people.

OP posts:
FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 18/10/2017 16:21

@FakePlasticTeaLeaves Where did I say I was assuming it about everyone? Stop projecting.

Your title says 'To think most people are in relationships out of fear? '. That is where I got the idea from that you are assuming it about most people.

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 18/10/2017 16:22

To add to that, you also said 'I respect single people', not some single people. So it is your own communication that is making it seem like you are talking about most people.

RedForFilth · 18/10/2017 16:22

I'm single through fear of relationships! I have friends with benefits but put a stop to anything if the other person decides they want more or I start having feelings for them.

toffee1000 · 18/10/2017 16:22

I think your title is a bit misleading OP. You said that most people are in relationships out of fear, but then the actual post implies that women who are in shit/abusive relationships stay in them out of fear. Which is true. But it's probably not fear of being single, it's fear of what the partner will do to them if they leave. They may also "fear" being single if they've been in the relationship a long time, but it may not really be "fear", more uncomfortable/confused/unused to it.

TheDowagerCuntess · 18/10/2017 16:22

I get what you're saying. But do you really think most people are in relationships out of fear? A lot of people, for sure.

But most? The unhappy ones all post on here and it's depressing reading.

But everyone else just gets on with life.

I can't see how you'd assume most people fall into the 'unhappy' category.

Original poster
Backoff85 · 18/10/2017 16:23

@FakePlasticTeaLeaves

You know most doesn't mean everyone right?

OP posts:
Dreams16 · 18/10/2017 16:23

I’ve been single and happily single and I know I married my DH for the right reasons certainly not out of fear of being single for ever

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 18/10/2017 16:24

Backoff85 You are very aggressive, just because I disagree with you I am 'projecting', which is a standard lazy reply. I disagree with your thinking - you asked, I do.

x2boys · 18/10/2017 16:25

Well that's very presumptuous of you Op im with dh because i love him and him me neither of us is perfect ( far from it ) but we have been through hell and back and still love each other.Hmm

PantPlot · 18/10/2017 16:25

'Most'?

God no.

Original poster
Backoff85 · 18/10/2017 16:25

@TheDowagerCuntess

I don't think I'm talking about unhappy people or people in abusive relationships.

I mean people who basically just have their partner as a kind of housemate they occasionally have sex with. You know? Or people whose partner is like an extra child.

Basically they would be freer and more fulfilled if they just struck out on their own and had a FWB or two. But then that comes with occasional loneliness and a little social stigma (not so much these days but its still there). Know what I mean?

OP posts:
CherryChasingDotMuncher · 18/10/2017 16:26

I’m fortunate enough to be able to leave tomorrow if I had to, luckily I’m in a pretty well balanced marriage. But YANBU as I think I’m probably in the minoritySad

Theresamayscough · 18/10/2017 16:26

Most people are in relationships through fear? No of course not.

Respect single people for just being single? Of course not

Original poster
Backoff85 · 18/10/2017 16:27

@FakePlasticTeaLeaves

Yeah thats fine. I just asked you not to quote me as having said "everyone" when I just said "most". I dont think thats aggressive.

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 18/10/2017 16:28

Yes, I know what you mean, and what you're tying to describe.

I still struggle with the idea that it's most people....?

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 18/10/2017 16:28

Cool. I was also talking about the 'respect singles people' being sweeping too, but we can agree to disagree.
In your further post where you've explained more, I do agree some people probably do do that. They say they 'love' someone, but are not 'in love' but stay with them anyway, I see that load.

BertieBotts · 18/10/2017 16:29

I get what you're saying but I think you've worded it strangely and even though I know what you mean it did make me feel a bit defensive.

I think you're talking about the whole social idea or norm that be in coupled up is the thing to do, that it's often thought there is 'something wrong' if a person is single, that people don't like it and always go on about how you'll meet someone nice soon, like they pity you, or try to set you up with someone.

And yes it can be a reason someone stays in a bad relationship if they don't want to be on their own, but I don't think it's that people are scared of being single, it's more that society presents it as this awful thing must all avoid.

Floellabumbags · 18/10/2017 16:30

Ooh, this random assumptions game is FUN!

Think you've just outed yourself as a GF.

Sallystyle · 18/10/2017 16:30

I can think of a few people who are in bad relationships due to not wanting to be on their own, financial difficulties etc. Admittedly my upbringing did make me think for a very long time that most people were not in great marriages or were just settling. It was just my experience with the people I knew. No long term happy marriages in my family etc.

I am now in a very happy marriage and have been with him for 10 years. I am with him simply because I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him.

So no, I don't think it is most people now. Lots of people but not most.

I don't think it is odd for you to question it either. Some people have seen more bad examples of bad marriages for whatever reason and their views become a little skewed because of that.

HarrietKettleWasHere · 18/10/2017 16:30

Are you on the wind up OP?

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 18/10/2017 16:34

I wouldn't stay in a relationship unless I was happy and fulfilled. I'd rather be single than making do. Life's too short for that bullshit. I know what you mean though. Some people maybe find it easier to stick with the status quo than leave.

Jaxhog · 18/10/2017 16:35

Why on earth would you think that? I don't know anyone who is in a relationship only through fear. Including me. Relationships aren't always sweetness and light, but that's life.

Nothing wrong with choosing to be single, but there's nothing wrong with choosing to be a relationship either!

Sallystyle · 18/10/2017 16:36

OP is getting a hard time here I think.

I don't think she is on the wind up. She has a skewed perspective, that is all.

Surely it's better to discuss how she might be wrong instead of accusing her of having deep psychological problems and being on the wind up?

Sallystyle · 18/10/2017 16:40

Why on earth would you think that? I don't know anyone who is in a relationship only through fear. Including me. Relationships aren't always sweetness and light, but that's life.

As I said, I thought that because growing up it was what I was shown. It wasn't until I met my husband 10 years ago that I got to witness people being in happy long term marriages.

Summerswallow · 18/10/2017 16:41

Everyone is different. I don't find relationships 'easier' than being single. I was single for over a decade (ok, a few brief relationships in that time) before I got married and found living with someone and sharing my personal space very hard indeed, I was used to living alone.

Everything isn't easier with a partner, even if you love them and they are a reasonable person. I did it as I was in love and wanted a family, not because it was easy.