I want my 20 year old son to grow up and leave home

[Ilovecrisps22]

My oldest DS is 20, but acts like he’s 14. My 12 year old acts older than him.

He has always been lazy, he never bothered with school (he went, but only did what he needed to do), he doesn’t care about how he looks, spends all his money on shite (thankfully not alcohol or drugs, but computer games, crisps, sweets, fizzy pop, biscuits etc) and generally just acts extremely immature.

He is at college, his dad and I personally think he is kidding himself on with college, it’s to be a personal trainer, but he doesn’t eat properly or train, doesn’t study, so we can’t see this going anyway. Of course we don’t tell him this, and we try to encourage him as much as possible, and try to get him to show us his college work and tell us what he’s doing but he doesn’t tell/show us, and just tells us he is passing his test!

His room is disgusting and I mean disgusting. Whenever he opens his bedroom door, the smell that comes from it is terrible and even my younger children complain about it. He leaves clean clothes which I’ve washed and ironed on the floor in a pile, mixed with dirty clothes. He takes food upstairs and it gets left uneaten for days, so the plates are encrusted with food, he never uses a bin so the rubbish is scattered all over the floor.
He shares a bathroom with his younger brother but he never takes his turn to clean it, smelly towels left all over the floor, his empty shampoo/soap bottles cluttering up the shower.

He has eczema and has to get special cleaning products from the doctor, but he hasn’t been back to see the doctor in months, and the products have run out.

He constantly argues with us.

Now this is something he has always done, and it doesn’t matter what we do/say to him it doesn’t make any difference. I have tried helping him clean the room, to show how lovely it can be when it’s nice, it doesn’t matter, I have tried not cleaning his clothes, he just wears dirty clothes and will take his dads socks/underwear and wear that. We have tried speaking to him in a calm manner (I have been in tears in front of him), it doesn’t work, I have screamed and shouted at him, it doesn’t matter, nothing works.

He has a girlfriend (which we are really pleased about) we thought this would make him buck up his ideas, it it didn’t. Again we spoke to him about this, and all he said was “girlfriends room is like that too”.
He has started to stay at his girlfriends parents house and whenever he is away, the calm that descends on the house is fabulous, and TBH I actually dread when he returns home.

He works with an agency so it works round about his college hours, but he wants to do minimum hours as possible so he can spend it with his girlfriend. I’ve tried to tell him he can’t do this as his student loan won’t cover everything and that he needs to work to help boost his funds. He never has any money as he spends it all, so therefore he needs to ask me, and if I say I’m not giving you any money he just says, well I just won’t bother going to college or work. He also threatens not to babysit his younger siblings if I don’t give him money (we don’t have any other family that we could ask to babysit).

AIBU I’m feeling like this, can anyone give me any ideas as to how I can make his see what he is like. My other 2 children are not like this, they are the complete opposite.

Sounds like most 20 yr old males

You need to kick him out.

Forget babysitting. Get babysitters - use some of the money put by for them!

Forget college. He defaults, fine. The experience of being kicked out and having to actually stop this train wreck is, in the long run, going to do him the WORLD more good than some half-failed course to be a personal trainer. Bugger the college. He's quite possibly lying to you about his progress anyway.

So that's his two threats gone in a puff of smoke.

Talk to your two younger children. Explain that you are going to make him leave because he NEEDS to grow up a bit and take repsonsibility and this is the only way to do it, and when they're older they'll get it. They probably do get it anyway! That you taking a harder line is for everyone's good, and the whole family including him will be happier.

And then be strong and don't be swayed by your younger ones. You need to be the parent seeing the bigger picture here.

I agree with Lundy - there are a lot of positives on which to build. Kicking someone out the house for being a bit messy seems pretty harsh to me.

You say you don't need his rent money, but you're also unwilling to pay for a babysitter.

Start using his rent to pay for babysitters when you need them. It sound like withdrawing babysitting duties is his main playing card here. Take it away from him.

The rest of his rent money can go towards a cleaner every 2 weeks. I know it's not a magic solution and he will need to tidy up beforehand, but if he doesn't get on board with that, get the cleaner for an extra hour to do bag everything up beforehand for him. He's paying, so it doesn't matter how long it takes.

I agree there are positives here. We have seen a lot of stories on here of similar age adult children who don't even work or go to college.

However, op says he argues with them (he's 20!) and his room isn't just messy - it's filthy to the point of stinking. That is not healthy for body and mind for the WHOLE family, not just him, plus the filth can filth can attract flies, vermin etc. I wouldn't want anyone coming around to my house if one of the rooms smelt bad.

It is the op's house. If she wants a basic level of cleanliness then she gets it. Just because he pays rent it doesn't mean he can come and go and not respect his family home. The fact that he chucks carefully washed and ironed clothes on the floor mixed with the dirty ones speaks volumes. He lacks respect.

Op, I think you can turn this around with a lot of grit and determination. It will be good for your other dcs to witness. If it turns out to be fruitless and you end up with no option but to ask him to leave at least you'll know you tried everything you could.

I don't understand the finances here. You say he has a student loan. Is that to do a degree? Why is he paying it back already?

I think it's quite harsh to charge him rent while he's studying and working and paying back a loan. Unless you are very poor, (in which case he would get a big loan), surely you are supposed to be helping him out, not the other way around?

I also think when you take away the “ mess” thing there is a few other issues.

You charge him rent whilst he’s at college. This is something I would not do.
He works, but as a pp said, you feel he doesn’t work enough.
You feel he should work and not see his girlfriend as much,
You want free baby sitting.
You feel he is kidding himself at college, showing s total lack of support and ask to check his work.

Sure he should be tidier and cleaner, many teens the same as him, but I do think there is many elements of his life where you’re not treating him very well at all. Respect goes two ways and you don’t seem to be paying him any either. You sound terribly judgemental, give him a terrible lack of support, and even charge him rent when he’s on a student loan which forces him to work even more.

If the room smells bad open the window. If it looks bad, just close the door so you don’t have to look at it. So long as the rest of the house is fine then my wife and I havre tried not to get too worked up about the state of the kids’ rooms.

And charging rent to your kids when they’re not earning much - and you don’t need it - is a bit of a piss-take. If/when they’re old enough and working full time, then fair enough, but other than that I’d just let it go.

I am very successful and went to Cambridge university. My parents read with me, sat with me doing homework, bought me chemistry sets, took me to the theatre, complimented me every day, and gave me lots of confidence that I should be aiming high. they helped me do work experience and part time job applications.

They took me to the doctor as a teenager when I had bad dandruff. They taught me how to look after myself. They never moaned or criticised me, and never made me feel negative about myself.

Have you done all this? If not, look in the fvcking mirror.

Kimmy That is unhelpful. Are you a parent to a lazy and disrespectful teen or older? It can be completely soul destroying. It takes over everything. It's especially hard when younger siblings are getting upset. Op is reaching out for HELP. She has told us very little of her personal circumstances. I'm sure she sat with her son and read, and bought him toys, took him places and took him to the doctor when he was ill. Your whole reply is ridiculous

kimmy -> right?

Francis I have two kids at uni and one just graduated. They all had small @ 7 hour a week, part time jobs while they studied and a bit more in the holidays. Through their friends and flat mates I am familiar with a lot of students. It is vanishingly rare for one to work 20 hours a week in term time. I'd say at least 60% don't even have a job.

He is an adult. Send him out into the world - it will be the making of him.

Instead of giving him money, buy him a bus pass for the month. He can't threaten that he won't go to work or college and he won't have money for anything else. Ban plates/cups upstairs. He can't take it into his room at all and has to eat/drink downstairs. His clothes are his problem. Once he starts smelling like a hobo he will want to do something about the washing. Especially if he wants to keep his girlfriend.

I'm afraid the only way for him to realise that he needs to be more careful with money etc is for him to have his own place.

If he leaves it in a state his landlord will not tolerate it! That should push him in the right direction.

Stop giving him money too. He has his student loan and work so if he runs out he can sort himself out.

I'm his age and I manage to keep on top of things by myself.

and Kimmy we have two grown up children very close in age. We treated both exactly the same (doctors, theatre, reading, toys, encouragement etc). One was the easiest teen ever, hardly a cross word. The other... oh my god... it was a painful experience every single day for years.

Both are now well rounded adults with jobs, homes, cars, partners and stuff.

Neither made it to Cambridge though.

He works,attends college,pays you rent,babysits for free,has a relationship(so must have some likeability),doesn't drink or do drugs and you want to throw him out because he's messy? Yabu.

I think it might be worth telling him that you are saving his rent for him to help him when he moves out. I agree with trying to connect with him. Spend a week complimenting him, showing an interest in whatever he likes to talk about. Take him out for a coffee etc. Then when you've reconnected and are on good terms sit him down somewhere quiet and neutral, explain about the money and give him a short list of what you expect-politeness, no food and plates in room, Hoover room once a week etc. Maybe he will then be more willing to listen. Criticism, whilst valid in this case, can breed stubbornness and oppositional behaviour.

If he is 20 that means he will be 21 soon - an age commonly accepted as being an adult, and also conveniently the age that a majority of university students are when they graduate.

I suggest that you explain to all your children that your support for living at home extends until age 21 for these reasons, and that as a result of this, your eldest son will need to leave the nest soon - but that he isn't being 'kicked out', you all love him and will give him the benefit of your advice and support in his shared house/flat hunting (and maybe pay the deposit/first months rent out of the money you have saved from his current rent). Obviously do not make him leave right in the middle of any exams (etc), but that should hopefully give enough time that it can be a deadline but without it coming across as "I've snapped and am casting you out onto the street for no particular reason". That also seems fair for your younger children - they will get the expectation that they can't stay with you forever but still have a place at home throughout university or college should they require one.

Don't take rent off him while he's studying, don't expect babysitting from him and certainly never give him money. And why on earth would you iron clothes he's just going to dump in a pile?

I think the list of positives above is very valid. Start accepting he's an adult who has a right to his own views. It does sound like he needs to be encouraged to grow up and move on but you're sending him some really mixed messages.

Average age for leaving home in the UK is 25.

Your responsibilities to your child don't stop when they hit 18 - as SMs are frequently told on the step parenting board. Such it up...

Boyfriend's 20 yr old son is exactly the same. He prefers to live in his crappy caravan in the corner of boyfriend's field, than in his (once) lovely bedroom. Bedroom is now trashed and full of dirty, stinking bed, clean and dirty oily clothes mixed together on the floor.

I stopped doing his washing/tidying/meal giving/loan giving when he turned 18. I just stopped giving, as nothing was coming back to me. Take, take, take is the order of the day, as is scorn and disrespect.
Has no intention of finding a job/doing driving tests/being social towards us/eating with us/going out with us/speaking to us unless he wants something. Gives me the cold shoulder and looks down his nose at me all the time, because I won't do or say what he wants me to anymore. After 4 breakdowns, I have shut down.
However, boyfriend won't kick his son out, as he doesn't have any money and what little money people give him, he spends on himself and contributes nothing towards rent or living expenses. He sneaks about silently and expects everyone to do his willing. He has nowhere to go, no money, no job, so boyfriend lets him stay on his property and turn it into a mass destruction/scrap yard. Of course, he doesn't pay rent........................ and boyfriend feels powerless to do anything about things, not for want of trying everything.
If your son is the same, I don't see how you could kick him out (as suggested by another writer).
The only way I can personally see our situation lessening, is for me to move out, thus destroying boyfriend and my brilliant relationship.