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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be too enthusiastic that dp wants to go to Japan for the third time in a year.

60 replies

Carmenere · 11/04/2007 20:21

Dp does martial arts and is very, very highly graded. He goes to Japan regularly to train with the soke(master teacher) and he also studies Japanese traditional medicine. He went to Japan just before Christmas and just after. I understand that it is important to him and, although I was a bit peeved at being left on my own twice in a short space of time, I dealt with it.

I travel alot for work and often it is to nice places but it is still work. He doesn't want me to go to Japan with him even though dd would be fine with my dm, he says I never take him on my trips. FFS, there is no question of me taking him on my trips as others are paying for me to be there.

He, when under pressure, grudgingly says that we will have a family holiday this year(we have only had one in the four years we have been together) But when pressed he is evasive.

Now he has a history of being incredibly selfish and self absorbed and tbh I am pretty fed up with it

If he can't see that A: we need a family holiday together and B: it would be nice if I went with him to Japan, I think it is a sad indictment on our relationship and that I am not going to spend the rest of my life taking second place to his ambition.

OP posts:

Eleusis · 12/04/2007 16:09

Is anyone else thinking about "lost in Translation"?

Sorry if this is out of line. But, I think his desire to go without you is strange. And you do sound like you've given up. Sadly, I think I know exactly how you feel.

sunchowder · 12/04/2007 16:47

Sorry Carmenere....I would feel the same. The thought in your own mind that he doesn't want to spend time with you or the family together would hurt me a lot. It is just his self-absorbed personality though, probably nothing to do with his feelings for you--but still it would bother me. Then having to force a vacation talk when in your heart you want him to want this and to bring it up first instead of thinking only of himself.

God, it is all so much give and take and what you can tolerate and what is not acceptable. All of our relationships have this, you are not alone. The hard part is figuring out what you can live with and come to a peaceful place about instead of feeling hurt.

Judy1234 · 12/04/2007 17:13

But I understand it. I got to a point when I didn't want to spend any time with my husband, we got on so badly. I truly would just about have enjoyed an afternoon with anyone on the planet except him. Very very sad for him of course.

Original poster

Carmenere · 12/04/2007 17:19

I don't think he has a girlfriend in Japan as I think he is planning to go at the same time as my brother who also does this martial art.

He does love me but he is a selfish git who can't see beyond his own ambition/ego and he will end up on his own if he doesn't have some kind of growth as a human being.

His answer to everything is that he looks after dd when I go away. Oh I don't know how it will pan out. He is perfectly capable of evolving into a considerate human being, I just am worried that I won't be around to see it

OP posts:

hunkermunker · 12/04/2007 17:22

Have you told him that, Carmenere?

I would say "I'm worried you don't seem to want to spend holiday time with us. I'm not interested in nagging you to spend time with us, because it is beneath me to have to beg you to want to do that, but if you don't want to do it, I would like to know why, and whether you see a future for us as a family?"

Original poster

Carmenere · 12/04/2007 17:26

I have Hunker but he doesn't get it(as it would be inconvenient imo) he just gets angry and says 'we will go on a holiday' but will never talk about actually doing it and tbh I am resigned to leaving him tbh. Not immediately as I totally love dss and he has another year in school and he would be heartbroken as his mum is horrible to him but I will probably move back to Ireland with dd then and he can come if he wants.
But you are right, I am not going to beg a man to want to spend time with me

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hatwoman · 12/04/2007 17:39

carmemere - in answer to your op, no you're not unreasonable. he does sound selfish and he is putting his ambition before his family. you are also quite right in saying that you're not going to beg him to spend time with you. but you have said you love him and that he loves you and that he's capable of evolving into an unselfish partner. Yet you;re making independent plans to go to Ireland - Mrs A is right - this sounds like you've given up. fwiw my advice would be - forget the small picture (japan another time or not, "beg" him to spend time with us or not, family holiday or not) and shake your whole relationship up - your "he can come if he wants" - and his selfishness over japan - indicates you're not in a partnership, where you take decisions jointly, accounting for everyones wishes and needs. telling him this to his face and that you need to address it together isn;t the same as begging him to spend time with you - it's pointing out a problem, that if you do love each other - you need to address.

Original poster

Carmenere · 12/04/2007 18:13

Well What I am trying at the moment is to concentrate on myself and not wallowing in being miserableness anymore. My circumstances are certainly bearable and many would be very happy with my life, so I am going to make the best of them for the time being and do what I can to keep going.
I have to say my biggest fear is that he doesn't ever see what he may be doing to contribute to the breakdown of the relationship. He has a pathological fear of being 'told what to do', he regularly calls me a bully and say's that I should just decide to be happy.

I am not a bully and I haven't just decided to be unhappy. We have been through unknown horrors together and he doesn't even vaguely appreciate how lucky he is. I have moved heaven and earth to be with him and he has just stepped back and said great now give me more. It is a fundamental flaw in his personality. I suspect(and I am not alone) that he would register on the lower end of the autistic radar.

He is a wonderful man in many ways but compromise is alien to him and I believe he will let me leave rather than 'give in' so to speak. And if he does, that is fine I will be better off without him.

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hatwoman · 12/04/2007 18:26

that sounds so sad. does he really not realise what he's doing? would he agree to go to Relate? they're pretty good at helping people see each others pov

BigGitDad · 12/04/2007 18:35

Have you got him that song I think I'm turning Japanese by The Vapours? Great song in the 80's.
Think I'll get me coat...

vitomum · 12/04/2007 18:48

i'd be peeved if his holidays alone meant he didn;t have the time / finanaces left for family holidays. less peeved if he still had enough time off work and money for the things i wantes us to do together. although tbh it maybe sounds as though you'd be struggling to get him enthused about a family holiday with or without the japan trips.

MrsApron · 12/04/2007 21:26

awww carmenere you sound so sad and resigned. How old is DD? And how lovely of you to be thinking so hard of your ss's welfare.

Original poster

Carmenere · 12/04/2007 23:10

DD is just 3 and dss is 18. In truth my self esteem is pretty ow and I need to build it up again. Perhaps if I do I would be more attractive and he would want to spend more time with me. Although he should anyway

OP posts:

MrsApron · 12/04/2007 23:52

Self esteem still hanging by a thread there

my dd1 is 3 too. They are alternately fabulous and hell beasts I think.

Am I getting this right, because he looks after your dd(as in he is her dad right?) when you go away for work he is entitled to a holiday/jaunt/self fulfilling trip on his own?

Bang out of order. You mentioned autisitc behaviour, i know I have posted this before on threads but try googling narcissist or narcisstic personality disorder, just a hunch.

He doesn't work does he iirc? I think building yourself up sounds like an essential plan. Make you feel/look/behave like a wanted woman and you will feel fabulous. If he ups his interest it is a bonus but not the goal. He should want to spend time with you regardless.

Eleusis · 13/04/2007 07:56

What? He doesn't work? So, you support yourself, him, your daughter, and his son... and he can't arsed to act like a civilised considerate human being towards you? I would be most and .

This man is not making a good name for himself in my book.

On the subjec of you taking care of your own happiness, do you have activities which you enjoy without him? Church? Health club membership? Meet-up with friends? etc.?

MrsApron · 13/04/2007 08:40

Elu i don't think Carmenere has to support him.

Original poster

Carmenere · 13/04/2007 09:25

No he does work, very hard to be fair, but he has five children, so money doesn't go too far. Off to google narccisistic disorder.

OP posts:

Eleusis · 13/04/2007 09:29

Carmenere,
Are you in London? We could arrange a mumsnet booze up for when your DH is in Japan and have loads of fun without him. He is taking the kids isn't he?

Original poster

Carmenere · 13/04/2007 09:47

Yes I am in London and am on for a booze-up, no he is not taking the kids. Funnily enough he has not persued the Japan trip idea, possibly because he has just gone away for the weekend (he is doing a masters) and has left me here with 3 of his five kids, only one of which is mine, one of which is French(aged 7 visiting for holidays) and doesn't speak english and one of which is 18 and spends half the day in bed[grr]
I don't think he is a fully blown narcisist, but he defintely has quite a few traits.

OP posts:

MrsApron · 13/04/2007 10:10

i think i thought he was self supporting leaving him loads of time for glorius hols caremenere. Sorry for wrong end of stick.

Eleusis · 13/04/2007 11:09

I find the best way to get men to pull their weight in housework and childcare is to leave the house.

Seriously, if I'm there I have to tend to the kids. If I am physically removed then DH will do it. DH is homw today with two kids (aged 4 and almost 2) because the nanny is on hols. I'm at work. Okay, I'm on Mumsnet, but I'm sitting at work.

Where in London are you? Accessible to the southern or western portion of the District Line?

Judy1234 · 13/04/2007 12:14

But C you have allowed that, kind of made him like that, let him leave you with the children and I bet the 7 year old's French mother wouldn't be too happy that instead of good quality time with the father he's gone off for 3 days.

Original poster

Carmenere · 13/04/2007 13:29

Elusis - when I said London I actually meant the crap end of Surrey. So nowhere near the tube unfortunately. But I have been known to travel so....
Xenia - I admit responsibility for my situation, I'm generally just having a moan because I'm fed up with it and I do have plans on how to change it. I know I need to work on my self esteem and that involves physically and mentally. I love my work and I am good at it. I have a sneaking suspicion that dp would prefer it if I didn't work, he shows zero interest, even when I achieve. It is pretty sad really.

OP posts:

Eleusis · 13/04/2007 13:33

Oh, well tell us Carmenere. What do you do?

And er... which end of Surrey is the crap end? I've been know to travel too. I live on the Northern Surrey border.

Original poster

Carmenere · 13/04/2007 13:37

The Croydon end Elusis, nowhere nearly as nice as you
I'm a journalist.

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