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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be too enthusiastic that dp wants to go to Japan for the third time in a year.

60 replies

Carmenere · 11/04/2007 20:21

Dp does martial arts and is very, very highly graded. He goes to Japan regularly to train with the soke(master teacher) and he also studies Japanese traditional medicine. He went to Japan just before Christmas and just after. I understand that it is important to him and, although I was a bit peeved at being left on my own twice in a short space of time, I dealt with it.

I travel alot for work and often it is to nice places but it is still work. He doesn't want me to go to Japan with him even though dd would be fine with my dm, he says I never take him on my trips. FFS, there is no question of me taking him on my trips as others are paying for me to be there.

He, when under pressure, grudgingly says that we will have a family holiday this year(we have only had one in the four years we have been together) But when pressed he is evasive.

Now he has a history of being incredibly selfish and self absorbed and tbh I am pretty fed up with it

If he can't see that A: we need a family holiday together and B: it would be nice if I went with him to Japan, I think it is a sad indictment on our relationship and that I am not going to spend the rest of my life taking second place to his ambition.

OP posts:
jenk1 · 11/04/2007 20:23

no i dont think you are being unreasonable at all.

Do you think he could be envious that you get to go to nice places and that you dont have to pay?

I would be mightly peeved if DH didnt want to take me abroad with him so you are right to feel annoyed.

Have you talked to him about how you feel?

jen
xx

hunkermunker · 11/04/2007 20:26

Why else would he not want you to go to Japan? Does he usually spend a lot of time with other martial artists there? DH used to do martial arts (black belt karate and aikido) and there was a fair culture of lads going out for a drink after training.

If that's the case, I can see he's thinking of his trips like your work trips - not that they're work, more that there won't be anything for you to do and he doesn't want to alter what he does on these trips to make it more fun for you.

As to not taking a family holiday, that would grate with me too if DH was going to Japan fairly regularly.

Can you book a weekend away somewhere nice and talk to him away from home about it?

MuminBrum · 11/04/2007 20:32

I know this isn't what you asked, but why can't you take him on your trips? My DP sometimes comes with me on my work trips - I reimburse my employer the difference between a single and a double hotel room (we use corporate credit cards) and his share of meals etc.
In answer to your question, no, I don't think you're being entirely unreasonable. However, I would imagine that on his trips to Japan, he is concentrating pretty hard on what he is doing. It might be very difficult for him to give you much attention when you are together. I'm not making excuses for him but you might not find a trip to Japan with him very enjoyable.
As to a family holiday, why don't you go ahead and book something for a time you know he is free?

Original poster
Carmenere · 11/04/2007 20:32

The sensible Carmenere says yes you are right, he is very busy when in Japan, say 'off you go dear' enjoy. The petulant Carmenere says wanker doesn't enjoy my company any more. I met him in Japan, I know what it is like, I would enjoy it even though I don't train any more(I can't train now as dss trains and he was our babysitter).

OP posts:
Original poster
Carmenere · 11/04/2007 20:36

My work trips are press trips paid for by property developers(Jesus this is the thread that anyone in rl who knows me will twig my identity from). Very occasionally partners are invited but I have only been on one of those and he did come with me.

OP posts:
kama · 11/04/2007 20:36

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MuminBrum · 11/04/2007 20:39

OMG, Kama, that is an appalling idea! Much as I love my DP, if he turned up unannounced during one of my work trips I would be beside myself with rage.

kama · 11/04/2007 20:46

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Original poster
Carmenere · 11/04/2007 20:47

TBH I'll probably roll over on this as long as we can firm up a proper holiday.

OP posts:
MuminBrum · 11/04/2007 20:47

Romantic? This is a work trip we're talking about!

kama · 11/04/2007 20:50

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MuminBrum · 11/04/2007 20:51

Having my wishes considered? I've never been a fan of surprises, TBH.

kama · 11/04/2007 20:53

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Original poster
Carmenere · 11/04/2007 20:54

It is not really a work trip, he has to pay for it himself.

OP posts:
tribpot · 11/04/2007 20:56

But if you did something in which you were very highly graded, let's imagine you were a world class marathon runner a la Paula. Would you still want to make time for a family holiday? You bet you would. On which basis, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. He's getting plenty of 'me' time (as in him time) and it must cost a bob or two. You deserve you time, and also family time.

MuminBrum · 11/04/2007 21:07

Don't be too jealous about work trips, Kama, they get old real fast! Actually I thought your suggestion was quite sweet but it would freak me out (am something of a control freak ).

Original poster
Carmenere · 11/04/2007 21:21

Thanks trib, I will insist that he makes time in his schedule and books a holiday before he even contemplates booking a another Japan trip.

OP posts:
tribpot · 11/04/2007 21:26

Er - hurrah! I do think that I - and by extension you - are quite reasonable, though. Japan is Far Away. A trip to some lovely part of Europe with his family does not seem OTT to me.

Original poster
Carmenere · 11/04/2007 21:30

Don't worry trib, you will not be cited in the divorce

OP posts:
tribpot · 11/04/2007 21:32

domo arigato Carmenere-chan

MrsApron · 11/04/2007 21:34

Did you not have this dilemma already not that long ago? iirc there was loads of other stuff as well and the trip was a catalyst.

He really really needs to make you feel like you count and are a priority I think.

Original poster
Carmenere · 11/04/2007 21:42

Yes Mrs Apron, you are right he does, and he isn't really. He has not been too bad but basically he is very very selfish and in truth even though I love him I am not sure if I want to spend the rest of my life playing second fiddle to his ambition.

My tactics so far have been to just ease off and please myself, I've stopped nagging him and am just trying to concentrate on being happy. I'm sick of being miserable.

I am planning to move back to Ireland in the next year or two and he can come with me if he wants.

OP posts:
MrsApron · 11/04/2007 23:57

The whole "he can come if he wants" thing.

Have you kind of given up on him already? Does he know?

It does sound a bit as if you are very slowly breaking up with him.

DivaSkyChick · 12/04/2007 14:52

Is it possible that he has a girlfriend in Japan? Just a thought.

Judy1234 · 12/04/2007 15:48

Is he paying for it?
It's certainly strange. Even if he goes there for siome kind of spiritual not sexual fulfilment presumably having your partner with you shouldn't stop that. What about you suggest you on pleasure trips costing the same without him or your child which cost the same and for teh same amount of time. I do think achieving equality without nagging is often a solution in these things.