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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to ask if not infidelity...

39 replies

karmacoma1 · 17/10/2017 20:04

... what was the grounds for your divorce/breakup of long term relationship?

Was there a straw that broke the camels back kind of moment? Or an accumulation of smaller things?

OP posts:
ferriswheel · 17/10/2017 20:05

Domestic abuse. This thread interests me greatly. I can't understand how a relationship can't be rescued if a couple can communicate.

Floellabumbags · 17/10/2017 20:09

I was driving and got lost - terrible sense of direction - and he said "I knew you'd taken the wrong turn but I couldn't be bothered to say anything" It was 1995 and I'm still fucking angry!

LifeofClimb · 17/10/2017 20:14

Floella Grin

Well, originally it was a large number of incompatibilities. I was trapped in a sexless relationship. He was depressed and borderline alcoholic and wouldn’t admit it. He was constantly in debt and I was stressed constantly about making sure we had money (I paid for a lot of things and helped with his debt). Honestly, the relationship should have been finished far sooner but we were good friends despite his flaws. It ended mutually.

And then, I found out there was someone else.

LifeofClimb · 17/10/2017 20:16

We went round in circles for 7 years regarding the debt, lack of sex, high alcohol consumption, his unhappiness - I’d bloody had enough of living on a promise. Communication means fuck all if the actions don’t follow suit. We could talk - a lot. He had no follow through, that was the fucking problem.

Original poster
karmacoma1 · 17/10/2017 20:37

Thank you for your replies - all very honest :)

OP posts:
morvoren · 17/10/2017 20:38

Daily drinking. His.

Lack of feeling we were working together financially.

Really feeling taken for granted and unappreciated.

All things that crept up and accumulated during the time we were together.

No big final straw except ok, maybe this is one. It was the first Mother's Day after our daughter was born and he got drunk Saturday night and slept in till 9am the next morning while I was up in the night and up at 5am with the baby. And did nothing nice for me.

So much happier on my own!

Ethylred · 17/10/2017 20:39

My observation is that the last straw doesn't break the camel's back but rather reveals that the camel has been dead for years.

Santawontbelong · 17/10/2017 20:41

When I discovered my dh had lied about his wage for a year, keeping us skint and me borrowing from family to pay bills, while he spent it like a single man. . And blamed me for spending it all on my f-ing dc. Filed for divorce a few days later.

SlickBubbles · 17/10/2017 20:42

He walked out saying he didn't want to do it anymore and never came back.

SlickBubbles · 17/10/2017 20:42

I divorced him on grounds of desertion

WhatwouldAryado · 17/10/2017 20:43

I actually decided when loading a washing machine our 2nd dad's name would be [hername] (I was 7 months pregnant) and if he started another argument and left again I wouldn't "play the game" any more.
Abusive/ controlling relationship. I had started to notice and break free. But it really was a moment of clarity.

WhatwouldAryado · 17/10/2017 20:44

2nd DD. It was a productivelad of laundry.

morvoren · 17/10/2017 20:44

Indeed. It's a moment that you suddenly get mad enough to allow yourself to really SEE your own relationship. Is so easy to hope things will get better, talk about it, try and help, forever being nice and committed and wanting to work things out... and that can distract you a long time from seeing how little you get back from your partner for a really long time!

DJBaggySmalls · 17/10/2017 20:45

He decided he's made a terrible mistake having kids and wanted to be free and single again.

BankWadger · 17/10/2017 20:49

Just lots of things really. Better communication would never have fixed it, just seen us end the relationship a year or so earlier.

Lots of straws were broken, but the admission (to myself) was when I realised I had lost all respect for him, didn't even like him and that I couldn't be in love with a man I don't respect or like.

sixbeesandalemur · 17/10/2017 20:52

I remember reading somewhere that most people can look back and trace the red flag that it wasn't going to work to within a month of meeting their partner. And they/we/I brush it aside. It is only with hindsight we see that we see the signs were there from early on.

For me that red flag was when I told him I was going to do an M.A. and he said that it was a shame since it would mean we would have less time together. At the time I thought it was rather romantic that he wanted me all to himself... Turns out he was a manipulative narcissist. That and the fact he liked to wank in the pantry (!!!)

Velvetbee · 17/10/2017 20:54

2 things. When he was doing his MA and I was working (local government, living at home) I saved like mad and took him to India for 9 weeks.
When I was a student nurse and he was working (private sector, earning more, living at home) he took me camping in Scotland. Resentment began and I started looking for other inequalities.
Then he mentioned that when we had children I would give up work - no discussion, he just assumed. I was stunned and dumped him there and then. We'd been together 6 years and were engaged.

Justanothernameonthepage · 17/10/2017 20:57

Looking back, he was abusive. We moved apart and tried long distance due to me getting a job down south and he used to berate me over the phone, telling me my emotions were wrong. One day I realised I hadn't looked forward to talking or seeing him in a long time. It was so freeing to be rid of him and am so glad I escaped before marriage/kids.

TwitterQueen1 · 17/10/2017 20:59

excellent point Ethylred you are very right. For me it was death by a thousand scratches and the last one was the least painful of all because it simply cemented what I already knew.

Floellabumbags · 17/10/2017 21:14

That and the fact he liked to wank in the pantry

Oh my life! Grin

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 17/10/2017 21:19

He liked to wank in the pantry GrinGrin Wtf did you keep in there?!

Original poster
karmacoma1 · 17/10/2017 21:27

Wank in the pantry GrinGrin

OP posts:
FrogsSpawnofSanta · 17/10/2017 21:30

The final straw was I cooked dinner and he had a go at me because he wasn't hungry. He said this isn't working and my reply was I'll go then. The reality was we had a sexless marriage, I wanted kids and he didn't, and generally no common goals or interests. Of course the fact that he had met someone else and been a complete bastard to me for the past few months also didn't help.

Sixbees - what you said is interesting. I had definite red flags at the start and unfortunately ignored them!

Brittbugs80 · 17/10/2017 21:35

Domestic violence.

I get so fucking angry at myself that I didn't leave sooner but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

The mildest was him breaking my finger in the door, the worst was the mental abuse that I still struggle with now.

sixbeesandalemur · 17/10/2017 21:45

There was nothing interesting in the pantry....I think he liked getting 'caught'. Fair enough if it was just his 'thing', but actually it was a bit of a mind-game.